Boyfriend of 3 years, major betrayal. Need Advice:(

[Jenn]

Hello, I'm new on this forum but have been lurking for a while. I'm a 24 year old student. I've been dating a significantly older man for almost 3 years (38 years old) and it has been great... not entirely without problems but mostly drama free. There is one issue that has been contentious the whole relationship, and that is photo-taking. I know, it sounds silly, but I am strongly opposed to being photographed (not because I think I look silly in photos or anything, for cultural reasons) and he loves pulling out his cell camera and taking pictures.

He understands that I have a strong dislike of this but says he really likes having the photo memories. He also (I hope this isn't TMI) enjoys taking pictures at, ah, intimate times. We have compromised that he gets occasional pictures (if we're away somewhere or something) but I have made it clear that there can be ABSOLUTELY NO photos at intimate times. That rule was made when I once I caught him taking a picture. I made him delete it, and that was the end of it.

Sorry for the novel, but that background is necessary to understand this part. The other day, I was (sorry tmi) performing oral and looked up at him and he was videotaping it! I lept away from him... He started apologizing profusely and said he'd delete it. I was upset, obviously, but made him promise NEVER to do it again and let it go at that.

Now, I have reason to believe he not only didn't delete it but showed his brother... Who I see often at work so I'm really uncomfortable with the idea that he has seen such a compromising tape... Not to mention that he betrayed my trust and lied to my face. I just don't know what to do. I get that maybe it shouldn't be such a big deal, but I feel so sick about this. I don't want to break up - I love him more than I've ever loved anyone, but I don't understand what I've done that would make him betray my trust like that. Does anyone have any advice for me? been through something similar? Am I over reacting?

[TheTooya]

Well, its up to you if you want to break up with him or not. He sounds like a douche to me.

If I were you, I'd either break it off with him, OR... draw the line and tell him no pictures, at all.

If hes not willing to stop taking pictures then its his loss, right?

[Jenn]

True. . . but breaking up with someone over a video? It seems absurd. Otherwise, he's amazing. I think I love him too much to lose him . . . what I really want is to find a way to impress on him how important this is to me. I've tried, but obviously the message didn't get through. Maybe I need to be more forceful, but I also don't want to get all dramatic. Its a fine line. . . thanks for the perspective though

[TheTooya]

No should have meant "No" the first time you said it. The fact that he did it while you were giving him a blow job without asking, knowing you told him you did not want it, was COMPLETELY disrespectful, and shows he doesn't care about your feelings first.

Honestly he sounds like scum to me.

If he didn't know that you did not want him doing that, it would be one thing, but he already knew that you were not ok with that. So is breaking up over the video a legit? It sounds legit to me. The better question is are you willing to leave him because of this? If you want to tough it out with him, I wouldn't be surprised if he tries it again. He is significantly older than you, and probably feels more in control of the relationship.

[cmacattack1]

I'm kind of curious as to what cultural reasons you have to not have your picture taken. Not because I'm nosy, I'm just curious about different cultures.

As for him, he is really pushing the envelope to see how much you are going to put up with. He already took a picture on his phone, you freaked out and had it deleted. Then, after that ordeal, he had the balls to videotape it? It doesn't show any respect to your wishes or your feelings. And I feel as long as you stay with him, he is going to just feel like he can do whatever he wants.

I know you love him and are afraid to lose him. You glaze over his other imperfections in light of this glaring problem. I'm just saying, you SHOULD NOT be afraid of being on your own or with somebody else. He is not the ONLY person for you, even if it feels like it or you believe in soulmates. When you don't have respect for your partner, there isn't much left to base your relationship on. It also sounds like your trust in him is broken as well, and you aren't an incredibly paranoid person right? You have good reason to believe his brother would have seen it, right?

You've taken him back both times. It's up to you if you want to give him another chance, but if you decide to be with him you need to let him know you are serious. The next straw is it. If he crosses that line, you have to be good on your word. For most of it, it takes losing somebody to really learn our lesson, hopefully for him it's not the case.

[lahnnabell]

I am also curious about this cultural difference.

And I agree with everyone else. While I wouldn't say this guy is scum, he is certainly pushing the boundaries. Kids do this when they want to see how much they can get away with before mommy and/or daddy lay the smackdown (not literally of course). It's a very immature mindset. "Oh, I'll keep trying and eventually she'll give in!" No.

Not quite sure why he's so hellbent on pushing this issue when you've made it very clear that it is not okay. I think you should ask him why he keeps disrespecting you like this, and I think the first answer he gives should be your deciding factor.

[Mish]

Now, I have reason to believe he not only didn't delete it but showed his brother... Who I see often at work so I'm really uncomfortable with the idea that he has seen such a compromising tape...

I don't blame you if that's the case. Though, how do you know he did this? Do you have proof?

If he did do this against your wishes (even after told repeatedly not to) then that's not just a disagreement over a video tape, it's him disrespecting you and blatantly telling you that your opinions are unimportant. That will have very serious repercussions in your relationship.

[Jenn]

Thanks for the replies. . . first, the not being photographed thing is essentially because traditionally, it is believed that capturing living, dynamic creatures on static film does harm to the soul - restricts it and boxes it in, in a sense. Some even believe that it destroys a portion of one's spirit. I know that may not make a lot of sense to your average westerner (and that is a bit oversimplified), but I do believe that and I can feel the harm being done every time a photograph is taken. It literally makes me feel sick.
Secondly, as for whether I know that his brother has seen it; he made a direct reference to something that would have been on that tape a few days after it happened; something that there is pretty much no way he would have said without having seen the tape. I immediately made it clear that I understood the reference and, seeing his mistake, he backtracked like mad - which pretty much confirmed my suspicions.
I know you are all right when you say that what he's doing is disrespectful and there's a pretty good chance I'm being stupid here. But I know I'm going to hate myself if I start a big fight over this... because I don't want to lose him. I just want him to behave

[TheTooya]

Thanks for the replies. . . first, the not being photographed thing is essentially because traditionally, it is believed that capturing living, dynamic creatures on static film does harm to the soul - restricts it and boxes it in, in a sense. Some even believe that it destroys a portion of one's spirit. I know that may not make a lot of sense to your average westerner (and that is a bit oversimplified), but I do believe that and I can feel the harm being done every time a photograph is taken.

I have a friend who is native american who shares this belief. Not too out there IMO.

Listen, your boyfriend going against you wishes was a really, really dick move. It really shows that your boyfriend doesn't respect you as much as he should. ESPECIALLY, showing his brother the tape makes him a pretty sick **** in my book.

But, you want to give it a second chance... If I were you I would give him an ultimatum, if anything is to happen between you two, the cameras go away.... (man, I almost sounds like he would be hiding cameras while ****ing... *shiver*) But, give him an ultimatum, and live by it. If he breaks your trust despite the ultimatum, you need to stand up for yourself and leave.

[IndiReloaded]

Thanks for the replies. . . first, the not being photographed thing is essentially because traditionally, it is believed that capturing living, dynamic creatures on static film does harm to the soul - restricts it and boxes it in, in a sense. Some even believe that it destroys a portion of one's spirit. I know that may not make a lot of sense to your average westerner (and that is a bit oversimplified), but I do believe that and I can feel the harm being done every time a photograph is taken. It literally makes me feel sick.

Then I assume you never shop at a mall, or a convenience store, or visit an airport. All those places have cameras and your soul must be absolutely trashed by now.

Sorry, but logically your belief is a silly one. Its an argument you simply need not make as far as your issue with your BF goes.

I know you are all right when you say that what he's doing is disrespectful and there's a pretty good chance I'm being stupid here. But I know I'm going to hate myself if I start a big fight over this... because I don't want to lose him. I just want him to behave

Its beyond disrespectful. You already asked him not to film or photograph you. You don't need a reason except you don't like it. The fact he knew this and did it anyway on the sly means he can't be trusted. He sounds like a perv, frankly. Dump him.

[Charlie Boy II]

he sounds like a complete creep.

[vashti]

True. . . but breaking up with someone over a video? It seems absurd.

Are you kidding me? What he did was to violate you and your privacy in the worst possible way. I really can't understand why you would even THINK to forgive him. He's basically made you into a porn queen without your consent, and in fact KNOWING how you felt about it. What is WRONG with you, that you would even consider staying with him?

I wouldn't be surprised if you could find your pic on some homemade porn site.

[TheTooya]

he sounds like a complete creep.

The type of guy that would hide a camera in the ceiling while ****ing his girlfriend?

[Jenn]

TheTooya: I share your friend's background most people, however regard the belief as silly, as has been demonstrated. Which is fine; I'm aware that it's not exactly logically sound. Then again, neither is the Christian belief in God. Or the ____(insert religion) belief in ___ (insert deity).
Indi: First, I actually go to stores, airports, museums, etc. very infrequently. That said, your point is still taken, and I know that in a literal sense film isn't capable of destroying matter. . . my people's interpretation of this has more to do with what photos represent; a focus on preserving individual moments in time and attempting to perfect them instead of simply living with the flow of the natural world. Plus, photographs beg attention to one's physical apperance above spiritual well-being, and all of these things are harmful to one's spirit and show disregard for the dynamic quality of the natural world. This effect is much more pronounced where one is being photographed directly rather than simply showing up on a security cam.
That may still not make sense, but I guess we all have our flaws. Mine is my dislike of being caught on film - may seem odd but there you have it.

[IndiReloaded]

my people's interpretation of this has more to do with what photos represent; a focus on preserving individual moments in time and attempting to perfect them instead of simply living with the flow of the natural world. Plus, photographs beg attention to one's physical apperance above spiritual well-being, and all of these things are harmful to one's spirit and show disregard for the dynamic quality of the natural world.

Actually, the way you explained it here makes a lot more sense than your first explanation. I can actually relate to this, I happen to subscribe to the belief that our existence is transient and we should live each moment "ichi go, ichi e", as best we can.

That said, your BF still sounds like a perv and I don't know why you would waste a single moment more on him. Find someone who respects you.