How do you get past it?

[Kyouhen]

So I posted about my break up before. I'll sum it up for you.

Was loser for two years, homeless for half, mooched off girlfriend, moved to guam to make myself better, things got tough, gf wised up about me and dumped me.

Haven't seen her for 7 months, have talked to her in about 4.

I dont have any closure, she kinda blindsided me with the break up, I'm sure there were signs, but honestly if your focused on something else and far away they are very easy to miss.

But I have no closure, she doesnt' want to see me, and I understand she has no obligation to, and has every right to dump me.

But being abandoned isn't a great feeling, especially from your first love well pretty much first everything, plus blind side and long distance makes it hard to cope.

I would like to know some advice how to get past it, besides that not very helpful "it heals with time" or "keep yourself busy"

some actual advice.

I feel terrible, a lack of self esteem, lack of motivation, just hurt, depression, unworthiness....I thought people who loved you were supposed to atleast respect you in the end.

But in the real world apparently nothing really matter like that.

[vashti]

You expected her to respect a homeless freeloader? Seriously? You don't even respect yourself! Why should she?

You need to get yourself together, and make yourself into someone deserving respect. You will develop some self esteem and suffer less depression if you actually DO something to feel good about. Like get a job. And a place to live. Unfortunately, no one else can motivate you. That's just a matter of simple maturity....

[Kyouhen]

I understand that point, and the fact that it did irreparable damage.

But what I'm asking is how you get pas tall of this

Having a job, a place to live, and been doing activities for the past year haven't done much at all for me in the emotional department...

[Gigabitch]

You don't actually need her to get closure. Holding out for that is just another excuse to keep the door open, hoping you can get her back someday. That's not going to happen. She already said goodbye. Now you have to say goodbye to your fantasy of getting back with her.

Once you do that, you'll find yourself better able to move forward.

[alovehangoverr]

I hate the whole concept of "closure". The only person holding yourself back from moving on is YOU.

You admitted to "mooching" off of this girl -- in other words taking advantage of her -- and you expect her to show you some respect? Really?

It sounds like it wasn't a great relationship for her.. and instead of acting like the poor abandoned ex who doesn't get any respect-- how about you take some responsibility?

This girl doesn't owe you anything.

So, do yourself a favor & get your shit together. You can't build self esteem by sitting around depressed and worthless. As much as you don't want to hear it-- it will take time. And you DO need to keep busy.. seriously, find something else to focus on in your life & let this dead relationship rest.

[Kyouhen]

=_= I think I'm going to edit the post because I'm not asking for specifically closure from her, I'm not asking for your opinions on the relationship or you to judge me...

I'm asking on tips how to get over "abandonment" issues

I appreciate all the comments but your missing my poiint for what I'm asking...

[cmacattack1]

I remember my ex talking about all the horrible things I did to her and how she is "damage goods" now, how she'll have trust issues and all that shit in the future.

The truth of the matter is she wasn't taking responsibility for her actions in that situation, and to play the victim card is just a pathetic way to absolve yourself of responsibility. If being with me was a bad decision, why stay with me for as long as she did? She hoped I would magically change and we'd live happily ever after? She tolerated alot of my bullshit that she shouldn't have? Guess who's fault is that? It wasn't just me, although I was clearly a problem.

It sounds totally unrelated to your issue, but I guess my point is that you aren't a victim of this. She didn't abandon you, she did what was best for her regardless of how she felt. You can't help how you feel, but you are certainly entirely in control of what you do. If what she was doing was holding her back, no matter how much she loves you (or loved you, as I'm sure it changed), it was a choice she eventually had to make. You know you made some mistakes as well and as we both know this is your opportunity to fix this and become a better person. Not just for her (as that is kind of pointless now) but for yourself, for your family, for your friends, and most importantly for your future girlfriend.

It sucks feeling alone, it sucks feeling worthless, but your self worth isn't held by her and her opinion of you. If you feel worthless about yourself, find out what you really want to do with yourself in life and do it. Work towards it. Give it everything you got, don't half ass it. That's one of my biggest pet peeves in light of my break up: not giving something my 100 percent. I was like that my whole life, kind of just skating by on the bare minimum and living well below my potential. It didn't matter until I lost somebody that didn't receive my 100 percent and felt cheated. And I can't blame her for that. It was a huge disappointment for me and although I can't do much about it now, I can certainly do something with me and my future. All that aside, also finding things that make you happy is certainly important, when you need a little break from the serious stuff.

Putting yourself into a routine and getting up early and maximizing your day has been very important to my growth and establishing my self worth and confidence. It may sound dull: get up, work, go to gym, do online class homework or find some reading and some stuff to do, but it really does make me feel like I'm doing something and contributing. It will keep you busy and keep your mind off things. Hanging with your friends on the weekend, going out for a beer with coworkers, having a healthy social outlet is also good. So work on that. Not so much worrying about when you will find that other person, because the longer you wait and sulk, hope and pray, the more the time will drag by and the more desperate you will become, especially if you are basing your self worth on whether you have somebody else. Because if that was the case with every person, we'd be total shitwrecks after every break up. And if you do end up finding somebody, and you don't have the right mentality, the right mindset, and all your priorities in line, you may end up losing them too.

No better time then today. Get yourself out of bed, put your feet one in front of the other. Turn yourself into somebody you can be proud of. The rest will follow. I promise you.

[Kyouhen]

thanks cmac thats what i needed to hear