you think my boyfriend is controlling?

[RdHrshyKss]

lol

(1) the idea that the man should pay for everything disgusts me...this is why women are still treated like #2, because they continue to have this kind of stupid mentality. if you wanted to be treated equally, then you better damn well be equal in every aspect of the relationship, including money!

(2) i was raised with manners. so if i did something out of the goodness of my heart for someone, i expect some form of gratitude in return. a simple thank you does wonders. so if my bf paid for my cover charge, i'd thank him, and if i bought him a beer, i'd expect him to say thank you as well. living in the tri-state area, where people are known to be rude, i can't count the number of times i've held a door open for someone and the person didn't bother saying thank you. it drives me nuts. i'm the crazy lady who yells out after them "your welcome!" haha.

(3) you need to talk to your bf. in order for your relationship to have any future, you need to talk to him about these things. tell him you feel under-appreciated, that you'd like for both of you guys to work at being more courteous to the other (you paying for things more often, and him showing more graciousness when you do pay for things or do nice things for him). that is the give and take aspect of the relationship. discuss this with him and see where it gets you. if it doesn't go anywhere than i'm leaning towards the idea that you two are just not compatible, either that or he just doesn't take your relationship that seriously and isn't bending over backwards because he anticipates that it's going to end eventually.

[lilxcutie53]

I read your posts, you sound like an Asian who grew up in Asia. As an Asian guy, yes, we feel that we should be paying for all dates. But that is because it is in our culture, and that is what we've been taught. Because it shows that men are capable providers (Again, culture). But of course, Asian girls are also taught to reciprocate that by being a homemaker and always gives respect to the guy's final decision. That is our 'Traditional give and take' concept. I believe yo don't follow this tradition, and instead just pick out whatever is convenient for you as an excuse.

Base on the quoted post, I believe it is quite basic to bring enough money when travel. I'm saying cash, not card. Were you hoping that your boyfriend pays for your cover fee so as to deliberately not bring enough cash? Of course your guy would be willing to pay for your cover fee. $5 is not enough reason to waste time running around for an ATM. If you buy him a beer, it should be because he is your boyfriend and not because he paid for your cover fee. And I think you wanted to be thanked because the beer you bought costs more than the cover fee, and not because of common courtesy reasons.

Based on this thread, it seems that you tend to put some sort of a price tag over for every goods and services being rendered, and that is not very healthy. You do things out of love. Otherwise, hire an accountant for a chaperon so that he can do cost analysis and gives you a report whether you or your boyfriend has overspent for each other.

Thats not true at all...My mom told me back when I was still in college that since the 2 of u dont have jobs that you should split the bill, which is what we did..sometimes he would pay for me and sometimes I would pay for him, but most time we'd split the bill. also a lot times when we would get the check he'd always ask me "how do you want to do this?" which always put me in an uncomfortable position, but I always said "lets split the bill" bc I knew thats what he wanted me to say. anyways, so continuing on with what my mom said..she told me that once chris finds a real job once he graduates then yes he should offer to pay for most of your dinner dates. So maybe thats where I get the expectation from, and plus when I dated my first bf in HS and had no idea what I was doing..I dont think there was one time I paid for us to go eat..I would offer and he would say that "he got it" So I kinda got it from that too.

anyways with the whole bar thing....down where I used to go to school there are a bunch of bars and its a known thing to bring cash bc all the bars have cover fees, but up here where I live all the bars that him and I have been to except for when we go into DC..I live in Northern Va we havent had to pay any sort of cover fee...your wrong with me deliberately forgeting cash, bc I honestly had no idea. And when we all had no idea, bc when we got there lke 4 people in the group had to go to the ATM. and I even asked where the closest one was, and thats when chris offered to pay for me. and a lot of times we like things equal so thats why I said "do u want me to get you a beer" to reimburse him for the cover fee even though the beer was more money. Thats how we do it a lot. like if we go to the movies, he will buy the tickets, ad Ill buy the popcorn. He did offer to buy me a shot, but I didnt want one. And even with shots he always seems to say that I only want shots if someone buys it..like if someone offers to buy a round of shots, ill take one. but the only reason I do that is because I hardly ever take shots and I really dont like them so its not worth me spending the money on them if I dont like it. So when someone offers to buy a round of shots and i'd be the only one who doesnt want to take it, ill get up taking it just bc everyone else is...so I dunno if thats bad or not....

and another thing is that...one time him and I were driving down to our school together..I had a wedding to go to in a near by town and him and his roommates needed to go look for a new place to stay for the school year then we were heading to the beach for a few days. Everytime my friends and I go on trips, we switch around who pays for cash, so if its just the 2 of us, I'll pay, then she pays, then ill pay again vice versa. it just makes thigns fair that way..and we dont even think about whos using gas someone else paid for after the trip is over...
so anyways, I put the first tank of gas in and it got us half way down to school...so then he put in the next one, and that made us down to school and it got me to my wedding the next day..so then after the wedding I was on E and had put another tank it. Made that back to school and to the beach and back. ( we just drove my car to the beach, but didnt use it there) the beach is only an hr away from our school. anyways, I still had some gas left to make it half way home when our trip was over..so now it was his turn to fill it up, but he didnt want to fill it all the ways because he thought it was fair to pay for gas to get us down to school, but that it wasnt fair that I used the gas he paid for to get to the wedding, bc that was my own thing I was going to. So he only wanted to fill up the tank just enough to make it back to home bc he didnt think it was fair that if he filled it all the way up that I would be using the gas he paid for after I dropped him off at his house and did my own things.. I kinda saw that as being a little cheap, bc if that were me in the situation..I would of just filled it up all the way and wouldnt have even thought about him using the gas afterwards...

oh and even when we were at the beach we went to an expensive dinner that cost us $50..so i asked him if there was anything he wanted me to pay for and so he told me that he wanted me to pay for my drink...
and then one morning we went out for breakfast and I offered to pay for that...so I did..and I never got a thank you...

[lilxcutie53]

lol
(2) i was raised with manners. so if i did something out of the goodness of my heart for someone, i expect some form of gratitude in return. a simple thank you does wonders. so if my bf paid for my cover charge, i'd thank him, and if i bought him a beer, i'd expect him to say thank you as well. living in the tri-state area, where people are known to be rude, i can't count the number of times i've held a door open for someone and the person didn't bother saying thank you. it drives me nuts. i'm the crazy lady who yells out after them "your welcome!" haha.

(3) you need to talk to your bf. in order for your relationship to have any future, you need to talk to him about these things. tell him you feel under-appreciated, that you'd like for both of you guys to work at being more courteous to the other (you paying for things more often, and him showing more graciousness when you do pay for things or do nice things for him). that is the give and take aspect of the relationship. discuss this with him and see where it gets you. if it doesn't go anywhere than i'm leaning towards the idea that you two are just not compatible, either that or he just doesn't take your relationship that seriously and isn't bending over backwards because he anticipates that it's going to end eventually.

I'm kinda the same way...sometimes I say "your welcome" cuz it annoys me. and with what you said at the bottom...thats sorta how I feel...he told one time when we had a "talk" that he was feeling insecure with how i felt..and blah balha and then told me that he considered our relationship serious, but he doesnt really bend backwards the often for me..and the thing is that he is going back to school for a semester, so Im contemplating whether things are gonna work out or not...I wouldnt want to break, but that I dont want to deal with BS either..u know since I now need to think of my future...I dont have time to deal with immaturity or bull shit. but sometimes I think that he doesnt bend backwards for fear that I would take advantage of him or that if he bends backwards and does all sweet things (we he does..he does sweet things to me, etc) that I would break up with him...

[girl68]

If your problem lies in he doesn't say "thank you" that's a pretty darn easy fix. Babe, I'm not sure if you realize but, sometimes when I buy you something or treat you out- you don't say thank you. Just wanted to mention that becasue it's started to really bug me. A small thank you would go a long way for me.

Guess what though? I don't think that's your problem I really do think you *deserve* to be be spoiled with materialistic things (dinners, and gifts).

[lilxcutie53]

If your problem lies in he doesn't say "thank you" that's a pretty darn easy fix. Babe, I'm not sure if you realize but, sometimes when I buy you something or treat you out- you don't say thank you. Just wanted to mention that becasue it's started to really bug me. A small thank you would go a long way for me.

Guess what though? I don't think that's your problem I really do think you *deserve* to be be spoiled with materialistic things (dinners, and gifts).

I guess I could do that, but at the same time every time I tell him something that he does that bugs me..he does the thing that bugs me deliberately. like for an example...if he doesnt call me one day like he tells me he would, and I say something to him about it...he will do it again on purpose bc he knows it bugs me...hes just that kind of person. and we dont really give eachother gifts...just like during birthdays. christmas and Vday..our anniversary is coming up and i'm not really expecting anything

[IndiReloaded]

our anniversary is coming up and i'm not really expecting anything

Sure you are. Okay, I think Girl has got the read on you. Learn how to ask for what you want. Nicely. Your BF (and no man) is a mind-reader.

Good luck.

[lilxcutie53]

I just dont really know what people do for their anniversaries because my past bf and I dated for 3 months..so i really dont know how to talk about it.

[RdHrshyKss]

i never really understood the big deal about anniversaries. i've never gotten my bf a gift and never expected my bf to get me a gift for something like this. we would just buy a bottle of wine and go out to dinner or just do something that we enjoy together. we've been together for 4 years and i don't even remember us doing anything this past year. haha, i think we both forgot.

[girl68]

If your guy can't say THANK YOU- don't you think that's screams ALARM BELLL- hello that's just straight up rude. He will be an asshole so long as you let him. And you're spoiled because he gives in so many times. I think you need to welcome yourself to the real world. One where you do not just have men paying for you 'cause it's their JOB- it's not. And he needs to grow and learn some damn manners.

[lilxcutie53]

If your guy can't say THANK YOU- don't you think that's screams ALARM BELLL- hello that's just straight up rude. He will be an asshole so long as you let him. And you're spoiled because he gives in so many times. I think you need to welcome yourself to the real world. One where you do not just have men paying for you 'cause it's their JOB- it's not. And he needs to grow and learn some damn manners.

I'm not really spoiled, but ok...If u read the above posts about the whole gas situation and other things..If I was spoiled he would pay for every dinner outing that we go on which is not the case..or would pay for all my drinks when we go to the bars... but you are right...he does need to grow and get some manners...god hes terrible with that..

[girl68]

you need to smell the same coffee he does. have you listened to the part where I say IT ISN'T A MANS JOB TO PAY. That's the very notion I'm basing my "spoiled princess" view on you.

[lilxcutie53]

you need to smell the same coffee he does. have you listened to the part where I say IT ISN'T A MANS JOB TO PAY. That's the very notion I'm basing my "spoiled princess" view on you.

yah, but by you saying that it seems that its the girls job to pay...sooo I dont know what you consider a princess..? bc my bf doesnt pay all the time..when we he wants to take me out to dinner he pays, bc thats a date, but at the beginning of the relationship when he would want to take me to dinner he wouldnt want to pay. We always split the bill, so I was always confused, bc my ex bf when he would ask me out to dinner he would always pay. When my bf and I go and just grab food its known that we split the bill...i've just never heard a girl asking her boyfriend on a date and paying..obviously for a birthday and stuff like that, but never out of the blue..

and its hard bc he puts me in a weird position, bc one time I texted him asking how work was and stuff like, and he said "its ok..blah blah..you need to get a job missy..and take me out to dinner" I dont have a job right now bc ive just graduated college and im still searching for full time jobs. hes doing an internship. anyways, I took that as he was trying to manipulate me into taking him to dinner, bc a lot of time he wants what he wants when he wants it (have his cake and eat it too)

[girl68]

WAKE UP WOMAN.

I ask my guy out guess what? I pay. Guess what? he effin' loves it. It's both your jobs to treat eachother out. And it shouldn't even be a JOB. It should just be a give, give situation because you want to. You better stop comparing to your ex. Well my EX always paid will surely get you- "go be with him then" line eventually. It really seems as though because your ex decided to spoil your ass that you think evey other bf will treat you the same- such is not the case.

You must be young you have a thick scull and can't seem to wrap your brain around this.

[RdHrshyKss]

i think what girl is trying to say is that your mentality of what goes on in a relationship needs to change. it doesn't help that your mom has tried instilling the idea that once your bf gets a job, he should be paying for everything. that is a "princess" mentality, "spoiled" mentality, whatever you want to call it. it's a double standard and it's not right. if you want to be treated equal to your partner, than you need to consider everything in that relationship as equal...including money. What your mom is trying to teach you comes from old-fashioned ideologies. It's old, it's sexist, and it's wrong.

The healthiest way to go about it is to always assume that you will be splitting everything with him to make things equal. If he offers to pay, you should offer to pay for half, and if he insists, then you graciously thank him and move on. That should be the end of it. Your boyfriend shouldn't EXPECT you to do anything in return...you offered to pay half and he rejected it, so it was purely a nice gesture from him and should be considered as such. When you start holding something over someone's head, then the gesture is no longer a nice gesture and is more of a trade. Talk to him about this and tell him that you guys need to communicate more and be more clear about what's going on. If he expects you to pay for something in return than he should say so, and vice versa. Expecting someone to do or say something without making it aware to that person that it is something you expect is just silly. Get the communication going and work from there, without it nothing will change.

[lilxcutie53]

i think what girl is trying to say is that your mentality of what goes on in a relationship needs to change. it doesn't help that your mom has tried instilling the idea that once your bf gets a job, he should be paying for everything. that is a "princess" mentality, "spoiled" mentality, whatever you want to call it. it's a double standard and it's not right. if you want to be treated equal to your partner, than you need to consider everything in that relationship as equal...including money. What your mom is trying to teach you comes from old-fashioned ideologies. It's old, it's sexist, and it's wrong.

The healthiest way to go about it is to always assume that you will be splitting everything with him to make things equal. If he offers to pay, you should offer to pay for half, and if he insists, then you graciously thank him and move on. That should be the end of it. Your boyfriend shouldn't EXPECT you to do anything in return...you offered to pay half and he rejected it, so it was purely a nice gesture from him and should be considered as such. When you start holding something over someone's head, then the gesture is no longer a nice gesture and is more of a trade. Talk to him about this and tell him that you guys need to communicate more and be more clear about what's going on. If he expects you to pay for something in return than he should say so, and vice versa. Expecting someone to do or say something without making it aware to that person that it is something you expect is just silly. Get the communication going and work from there, without it nothing will change.

Yah I get what your saying...I just dont know how to go about it...what my mom told me is that he should pay for dates...not everything..she said that if he has a job and is not offering..then there is something wrong with it. and it doesnt help that he says those comments about how I need to get a job so I can treat him...it makes me think he just wants to see if I actually will take him out to dinner bc he said that, not because he actually wants me to. kinda like trying to test me. and your right about asking to split the bill...the other day we went out to this resturant/ bar place for $3 pitcher night..and I got food and drank maybe 2 glasses out of the 3 pitchers he bought. anyways, when the waitress was trying to figure out the checks, I asked him if he wanted me to pay for some of the pitchers, even tho I had 2 glasses, and he said "no" soo thats that, but then a couple of hours later when we were going back to his house to drink we stopped to get some beer. I didnt want to drink, but he still had the nerve to ask me to pay for his 24 pack..that pissed me off. I would never expect him to pay for something of mine that he wasnt using...

When we were down at school...I would cook him dinner sometimes..but then there would a lot of times where he would just want me to eat at his house, so I would go over there instead of cook for him..

and I dont hold the gesture over his head...I used too like the 2 months into us dating, but I stopped. anyways, now he takes me out to dinner and pays and I ask if he wants me to pay for my drink, etc. I just dont know how to talk to him about it...he gets defensive easily...