Advice needed on possible commitment phobia & baby fear!

[NatReturns]

Hi All,

Apologies for the long post, but i really need some advice.

In past relationships I can honestly say i have always been terrified of thinking about committing to my exes. They have turned out not to be the right people for me and so my gut instinct has been right.

i am now with a guy (only for 6 mths) and I am utterly in love with him. We've talked about moving in, marriage, everything and I haven't been scared at all. Until the other day that is...i am 27 and he is 34 and I think he wants to do things sooner rather than later - I want marriage and a house with him but want to wait another year before moving in I think as I don't want to miss out on the dating stage. I guess my first question is, do people think that is sensible?? And if so how do I explain that without hurting his feelings?

My second problem could be massive. He really wants children and when I think about that it terrifies me. I have never imagined having them, although I used to be a nursery nurse and love kids. I have spoken to him before and said I can't promise him children, but he thinks I will change my mind. He's also said he would marry me even if I was unsure about kids because he loves me, but I really think this is on the basis that he thinks I will change my mind.

Having kids scares me as I am not ready to lose my independance, social life, or anything and I fear this will happen. And I don't feel as though I'd ever be ready to lose those things. I really want to be able to promise him that i will change my mind in a few yrs time, but I can't do that and I feel guilty. I do want to change my mind and want children but when I think about it I just don't. I feel confused about what to do about it.

As a rule I always struggle with change, whether it be job, moving house etc. I just wonder if I am afraid of the change that would be involved or whether I genuinly don't want children. And will I ever want them?? I really hope that I do as I want to give the man of my dreams a family.

Sorry for the rant, but I'm so confused about what to do as I don't want to lose him?

[vashti]

I think you are wise to avoid living with him. You are right to not want to give up the dating so soon.

About the kids - all i can say is that not everyone SHOULD have kids, and I don't think there is anything wrong with not wanting them, but I don't think he should marry you if he wants them and you aren't pretty much on the same page. Giving up children for a lover is too high a price to pay for marriage.

[Gigabitch]

I agree with everything Vashti said.

I think this guy is in too much of a rush. It's only been 6 months. You're still in the Honeymoon Phase of the relationship.

[QueenofCorona]

I use to never be really thrilled with the idea of being a parent. I guess that was because I was always with guys who were like my children, I had to do everything for them and the thought of having to take care of someone else just tired me out. But now that I'm 30 and have been with my bf for a year now I find myself really wanting a child with him. If you don't want kids that is ok, I'm just saying at 27 I was in your shoes too. Maybe its just natures way of telling you this just isn't the right partner for you, now or ever.

I think just try to be as open with him as possible on where you stand so there's no suprises later for him. The more you hold it in too, the worse you'll feel.