All trust gone forever

[Endlessagony]

I guess this is it...
Now I know I can't trust anything my girlfriend says anymore. After I found out about her secret affairs I've been keeping an eye on her doings, I wasn't just going to take her word for it. Of course she thinks I'm completely stupid and only check the browsing history so she boldly lies without any hesitation. Today I asked her if she's tried to contact him and she said no, that she hasn't even thought about him. Well after she went to bed I wanted to see for myself and wouldn't you have there was an email saying she had tried to call him and that they had texted.

Right now I'm just so furious, why does she think she has the right to do this?
I'm just really pondering how I should go about this now, trying to not do things in anger. Should I wait just a little longer before taking any further action and see where these discussions go or just take immediate action? The thing is I still really think she wants to fix things with me, problem is she also wants to keep the cake and it eat it. However I don't think I can ever trust her again no matter what happens.

I just have 2 problems...
First is the thing that we have shared so much these years. We work at the same place, have the same social circles, have a mortgage together, an apartment together and a cat together. Secondly I still have immensely strong feelings for her and the thought of no contact right now doesn't feel doable. I'm so strung out emotionally right now that it's a struggle to even get to work and back. Doing anything bigger than that is really hard, let alone this whole thing.

[bluesummer]

Just call her out on it.

Maybe she's just talking to this person and doesn't want you to know. Doesn't mean it's right, but it also doesn't mean she's cheating or has feelings for them. Don't jump the gun, you need to hear it from her first. If she admits to something that you didn't want to hear, it's really your call how you want to handle it.

Having a mortgage and a cat together doesn't mean you're stuck for life. It makes it harder to leave, but trust me it can be done.

[carl1222]

When you say that you "found out about her secret affairs," what exactly do you mean? Did you discover that she was involved in a romantic relationship with another guy behind your back while you were together? Are you certain that she was cheating on you sexually and/or emotionally?

My problem with your post, Endlessly, is that I can't determine from your story whether (1) you are in a relationship with a cheater, or (2) you are a jealous control freak who doesn't want her to have male friends.

Help me out here ... what is your proof that she did anything wrong?

Carl.

[Endlessagony]

I have lots of proof in the form of screenshots of the emails, it leaves little doubt that it's much more than a friend. I actually confronted her several times when my suspicion arose, only to have her completely deny everything.
After I asked her if she could show me her messages she became really aggressive and defensive, then she tried to show me only 1 message and quickly grabbed the phone away and claimed there wasn't any more.
Well there was and it said stuff like "you're constantly in my thoughts" and "missing you already". Even after this she just tried to downplay everything and kept writing in secret with him. After all this I started spying on her (I know it's wrong but didn't really know what else to do), that's when I found out she had another affair last year.

I've always trusted her and never in my wildest dreams did I think she could be capable of this kind of deceit. And she's had guy friends in the past and it never bothered me as I trusted her, with this her change in behavior was so obvious I knew things weren't right. In retrospect when I think about it she acted like this the last time too, only I believed her when she said it was because she was stressed and stuff.

This is just really eating me, it's bad enough that I'm gonna lose her. Her cheating and lying and living a double life makes it humiliating and degrading. I'm really depressed right now and all this just feels way overwhelming. It feels like I can never love or trust anyone again, or let anyone this close.

[oneandonly]

Oh don't I hate a liar with passion!

Sorry, OP you are in a painful situation. Cat, mortgage and stuff aren't really too big an issue to hold onto a relationship. Yeah, they make things more difficult but not impossible. As to your emotional attachment to her, don't you think it's time to cut it out through your conscious effort? It's not something that can be done overnight. But I'd rather choose a few good months pains deep into my soul, come out stronger eventually and look forward to future. It's far better than carry on your pain endlessly cos your gf isn't respectful to your feelings whatsoever!

[carl1222]

Oneandonly said it perfectly. She's a serial cheater, and that will never change. You need to break things off quickly so you can get on with your life. As to the complications over the apartment, I suggest you meet with a lawyer immediately for legal advice. I know nothing about Finnish law, but before you take any action (such as moving out, or throwing her out) you need to know the legal consequences.

Good luck.

Carl.

[searchng4luv]

problem is she also wants to keep the cake and it eat it.

Why do you think this?

[Endlessagony]

Right now things feel a bit better, today we've talked about things a lot. It's very clear to me I don't want to spend the rest of my life with her, how could I? She also seemed more open and told me that her feelings for me are dead and she can't see them ever coming back. It's hard but I must accept it, next year I'll be moving to another town to study and I intend to leave this life behind me. We agreed that we'd spend the time up 'til that to focus on working out the problems that made this relationship fall apart. We also agreed that we'll live here over the winter and then sell the place and divide the money equally, she'll also let me have any stuff I want.

The thing that makes me really believe in this is that she actually emailed the guy today and told him she can't lead a double life and that she has to see this through, I know this because I double checked what she wrote and she was actually honest about everything this time. In the meantime I intend to invest my free time doing new things and becoming more independent. I'm sort of off to a good start already and I feel this is the easiest way for me to find new things in my life. Knowing how things are I'm not expecting anything, instead I can focus my efforts on things that I previously couldn't. I also said that if I meet someone who I like and have chemistry with I will pursue it, this was also fine with her.

Maybe this is stupid I don't know, I think it's much better this way. I'm not really expecting anything from her, if she was to leave then I'll be in the same place as if I'd just break it off right now. But if we can get this to work it'll be beneficial for both.
I know I haven't been a perfect boyfriend and I also want to eliminate my bad ways, perhaps this is a chance for me to really analyze myself and become a better person.

[carl1222]

Although it is not what you were hoping for, the result is probably the best possible under the circumstances. At least now you know for sure where the relationship stands, and she doesn't have to sneak around behind your back any more. By all means, look back over your time together to look for avoidable mistakes ... but don't dwell on it. Sometimes relationships fade and there doesn't always have to be someone to blame for it. In a way, not trying to keep a dying relationship on life support should take a weight off both your shoulders. Sorry that things didn't work out. She's telling you that there is no hope ... listen to her! Your focus now (and hers as well) is to build your lives apart.

One word of caution ... if you and she will be pursuing other relationships, keep it out of the house while you are still together.

Good luck.

Carl.

ps - who gets the cat?

[NBT]

Right now things feel a bit better, today we've talked about things a lot. It's very clear to me I don't want to spend the rest of my life with her, how could I? She told me that her feelings for me are dead and she can't see them ever coming back. It's hard but I must accept it, next year I'll be moving to another town to study and I intend to leave this life behind me. We agreed that we'd spend the time up 'til that to focus on working out the problems that made this relationship fall apart. We also agreed that we'll live here over the winter and then sell the place and divide the money equally, she'll also let me have any stuff I want.

The thing that makes me really believe in this is that she actually emailed the guy today and told him she can't lead a double life and that she has to see this through, I know this because I double checked what she wrote and she was actually honest about everything this time. In the meantime I intend to invest my free time doing new things and becoming more independent. I'm sort of off to a good start already and I feel this is the easiest way for me to find new things in my life. Knowing how things are I'm not expecting anything, instead I can focus my efforts on things that I previously couldn't. I also said that if I meet someone who I like and have chemistry with I will pursue it, this was also fine with her.

Maybe this is stupid I don't know, I think it's much better this way. I'm not really expecting anything from her, if she was to leave then I'll be in the same place as if I'd just break it off right now. But if we can get this to work it'll be beneficial for both.
I know I haven't been a perfect boyfriend and I also want to eliminate my bad ways, perhaps this is a chance for me to really analyze myself and become a better person.

Ok. I'm confused here.

All these things in bold seem like contradictions (not LIES, but actual contradictions)

You plan to leave this life (including her) behind you next year, so why are you trying to work things out?

That's like saying "Hey, we may get everything back (all the feelings, etc.) but after all that hard work, let's end it still."

That doesn't really make any sense to me.

And on the flip side, if you're NOT trying to work things out, how is she leading a double life?

Now that she's finally been HONEST about everything, and she ADMITS she doesn't have FEELINGS for you anymore, why not just OPENLY pursue the ex BOYFRIEND?

Unless of course, she DOES still have feelings for you (otherwise she wouldn't still be trying to "see this through")

But if you ARE trying to see this through, how can you pursue another girl you end up meeting/liking?

Wouldn't that be like what SHE did?

Please explain this to me, cuz I'm not gettin' it.

[Endlessagony]

Ok. I'm confused here.

All these things in bold seem like contradictions (not LIES, but actual contradictions)

You plan to leave this life (including her) behind you next year, so why are you trying to work things out?

That's like saying "Hey, we may get everything back (all the feelings, etc.) but after all that hard work, let's end it still."

That doesn't really make any sense to me.

And on the flip side, if you're NOT trying to work things out, how is she leading a double life?

Now that she's finally been HONEST about everything, and she ADMITS she doesn't have FEELINGS for you anymore, why not just OPENLY pursue the ex BOYFRIEND?

Unless of course, she DOES still have feelings for you (otherwise she wouldn't still be trying to "see this through")

But if you ARE trying to see this through, how can you pursue another girl you end up meeting/liking?

Wouldn't that be like what SHE did?

Please explain this to me, cuz I'm not gettin' it.

I understand why this sounds so confusing, it's really hard to explain this jumbled 8 year relationship in a few posts.
We're not working on getting the relationship back together, it's more like therapy for both of us to understand and deal with the destructive things we've done to each other. In this context "work it out" means we are trying not to leave any nasty ghosts behind us. The real problem is we've both had issues, her anger and emotional abuse have taken a big toll on me. Likewise I've had problems with neediness and insecurity (great combination huh). I'm not lying when I say she has never backed down from a fight or admitted to being wrong in all these years, she's got a REALLY bad temper I can tell you (and it can take weeks before it blows over).

She knows she's destroyed many things with this and it seems she's finally realized that she needs to sort out herself too (not just blame everything on me). So the plan is I keep myself busy doing productive and healthy things while we go through these things at home. A great deal of the mental blocks in me right now come from the abusive behavior, getting to finally talk about them openly really helps me in so many ways.

Despite everything we do care for each other and ultimately want both of us to be happy.

[NBT]

I understand why this sounds so confusing, it's really hard to explain this jumbled 8 year relationship in a few posts.
We're not working on getting the relationship back together, it's more like therapy for both of us to understand and deal with the destructive things we've done to each other. In this context "work it out" means we are trying not to leave any nasty ghosts behind us. The real problem is we've both had issues, her anger and emotional abuse have taken a big toll on me. Likewise I've had problems with neediness and insecurity (great combination huh). I'm not lying when I say she has never backed down from a fight or admitted to being wrong in all these years, she's got a REALLY bad temper I can tell you (and it can take weeks before it blows over).

She knows she's destroyed many things with this and it seems she's finally realized that she needs to sort out herself too (not just blame everything on me). So the plan is I keep myself busy doing productive and healthy things while we go through these things at home. A great deal of the mental blocks in me right now come from the abusive behavior, getting to finally talk about them openly really helps me in so many ways.

Despite everything we do care for each other and ultimately want both of us to be happy.

I think you need to read a little bit of my book. It may help you in certain areas.

I don't think ALL of it applies to you. But there ARE THINGS IN THERE that would hit home. (Specifically the "Women Can Be Very Irrational" part you'll find in the BONUS section.)

Do you wanna take a look? I'm offering, so I won't charge you the normal $5. It's a free ebook.

(I mean if you WANNA donate after reading, you CAN lol but it's not necessary.) Let me know.

It might help.

[pringlej]

Hey Endlessagony,

Really sorry to hear about your situation. But trust me it's not endless. The agony will stop.

When my first serious g/f cheated on me and dumped, I actually wanted to die. But you know what? Why bother f*cking wasting your time on such a b!tch that has no respect for you and no morals.

I can appreciate the fact that you say she is trying to work things out with you by sticking with you. But get real, if she's still texting and emailing the other guy...her trying 100% is highly unlikely. If she really does still love you, she wouldn't do anything to continue to hurt you.

Go and have a break and learn to love yourself.

[Endlessagony]

Hey Endlessagony,

Really sorry to hear about your situation. But trust me it's not endless. The agony will stop.

When my first serious g/f cheated on me and dumped, I actually wanted to die. But you know what? Why bother f*cking wasting your time on such a b!tch that has no respect for you and no morals.

I can appreciate the fact that you say she is trying to work things out with you by sticking with you. But get real, if she's still texting and emailing the other guy...her trying 100% is highly unlikely. If she really does still love you, she wouldn't do anything to continue to hurt you.

Go and have a break and learn to love yourself.

God I wish I had the strength right now to just do that. I really have no idea what to do, I confess I'm a complete emotional mess right now. The reality is still that we have to sell our apartment if we're to split as neither can afford paying for it alone, problem is I can barely find enough energy to get to work and back let alone anything else. It's starting to dawn on me how much power she's had over me. I've thrown away most of my friendships because of her control issues, I mean she literally didn't allow me to see my friends. I've been so incredibly stupid all these years, I've really dug myself deep...