Ultimatum

[vashti]

She came back this morning. She promises to not let her family meddle in our relationship. Her daughter is out of town at the grandparents house for another month. I told her that we need to focus on having fun with one another and growing together without any outside pressures or influences.

Her daughter is a key factor in this relationship. If and when you ever want to get married, you will be marrying BOTH of them, not just the mom. I hope you will keep this in mind. I have two teenagers, and I have to be honest with you: there is NO WAY IN HELL I would ever consider marrying anyone my kids didn't both adore and want to make a part of their family. I really can't imagine how any woman could, so be careful. The dynamics of this family are so weird that I would be very concerned about it.

[4seasons]

I dunno, it doesn't sound like you care about this woman enough to marry her. The fact you refer to this as a soap opera, for example. Sad.

I do love her very much. If her mother would leave us alone, I would not refer to my relationship as a soap opera. Her mother lives 3,000 miles away and is constantly asking her daughter when we are getting married and the daughter feels the heat from all this.

[IndiReloaded]

You are on the verge of basically telling her: me or them. That's a shitty thing to do, 4seasons. You two should be working together to include everyone. I think I read elsewhere you don't have children of your own from your previous marriage? Was that by your choice? B/c you should know that the mindsets and priorities of those with children and those who choose to not have them are very different.

[IndiReloaded]

I do love her very much. If her mother would leave us alone, I would not refer to my relationship as a soap opera. Her mother lives 3,000 miles away and is constantly asking her daughter when we are getting married and the daughter feels the heat from all this.

So why aren't you on her side re: her pressuring mom then? You'd be amazed at how much better response you'd get with a bit of understanding instead of getting all defensive b/c you are the target of the mom's complaints. Do you get this? Be sympathetic about her mom's attitude. This doesn't mean you need to cave re: getting married, btw.

Feeling a bit of guilt about not popping the question, aren't you? You need to tease that issue apart from your SO's stress about what her family is saying.

[Raze]

You are on the verge of basically telling her: me or them. That's a shitty thing to do, 4seasons. You two should be working together to include everyone. I think I read elsewhere you don't have children of your own from your previous marriage? Was that by your choice? B/c you should know that the mindsets and priorities of those with children and those who choose to not have them are very different.

I agree. You're pushing everyone away. Asking her to choose is very selfish. I don't think you're ready for marriage anyway (at least not to her).

[RdHrshyKss]

sounds like there might possibly be a cultural difference going on here? what country do you live in, and where does her mother live?

[lotus petals]

4seasons, be careful here. she is placing the responsibility of her behavior on her family members. trust me, if she wasn't consumed with the notion of marriage she wouldn't be listening to them. if there is one common thread in the relationships that ended in heartbreak for me it was that the guy didn't take full responsibility for his behavior. and unfortunately time is the only way to find this out......and finding out you are. sorry but she's classic and you need to be very careful.

[vashti]

if it's not the daughter's fault, it's the mother's. (yawn)

Anyone but her.

Side note - has anyone ever tried a mustard plaster for bronchitis?

[IndiReloaded]

Side note - has anyone ever tried a mustard plaster for bronchitis?

Sorry. I'm a 'work until you drop and get put on designer antibiotics' kind of gal. Its not until then I just stay home in bed and drink lots of whiskey. Works for me, I think you're the same mindset, Vash. You could just skip to the stay in bed and whiskey part.

[4seasons]

You are on the verge of basically telling her: me or them. That's a shitty thing to do, 4seasons. You two should be working together to include everyone. I think I read elsewhere you don't have children of your own from your previous marriage? Was that by your choice? B/c you should know that the mindsets and priorities of those with children and those who choose to not have them are very different.

I don't even know her mother because she lives in California. Her mother called me on the phone after 6 months of dating and chewed me out for not giving her a ring yet. I don't know about you but I think her mother was way out of bounds there. Remember, I am not the one giving anyone an ultimatum here (me or them),but rather I have been the one getting an ultimatum. You may think I am shitty. I am sorry you feel that way. It was not by choice that I have no children. When I was married, having a child was in our plans. However, after the marriage started heading south, those plans came to an end. I would have loved to have had children of my own but it was not meant to be for me.

[IndiReloaded]

So? I agree the mother's behaviour is insane. But that doesn't change anything about what I said about your attitude about it. You need to flip your thinking, IMO. Stop being so defensive and maybe try to imagine how your SO might be feeling about things. IF you are truly interested in patching things up, that is. I'll be more clear, btw: I didn't say you are shitty. I don't know you from Adam. But making decisions that sound close to forcing your SO to choose b/t her family and you is definitely a shitty thing to do. Either you are doing this, or you aren't. You know your own mind, I hope. Shrug.

Regulars here understand I am making suggestions for you to solve your problem. If you try what I suggest you will start to see different behaviour from her. But that is a completely different issue from whether you want to or not. Which I have no idea about and only you can decide. Good luck.

[vashti]

Sorry. I'm a 'work until you drop and get put on designer antibiotics' kind of gal. Its not until then I just stay home in bed and drink lots of whiskey. Works for me, I think you're the same mindset, Vash. You could just skip to the stay in bed and whiskey part.

Bronchitis is overwhelmingly viral, though. Antibiotics won't help, so I am (desperately) trying out home remedies, because come Hell or high water, I am going out tonight for margaritas. And BTW - mustard plasters burn! lol

[IndiReloaded]

Try tea with Chinese star anise, then. Its the original source for tamiflu. i.e. masala chai. Just make sure its the chinese stuff, the japanese variant is toxic. I keep a bag in my freezer.

[4seasons]

So? I agree the mother's behaviour is insane. But that doesn't change anything about what I said about your attitude about it. You need to flip your thinking, IMO. Stop being so defensive and maybe try to imagine how your SO might be feeling about things. IF you are truly interested in patching things up, that is. I'll be more clear, btw: I didn't say you are shitty. I don't know you from Adam. But making decisions that sound close to forcing your SO to choose b/t her family and you is definitely a shitty thing to do. Either you are doing this, or you aren't. You know your own mind, I hope. Shrug.

Regulars here understand I am making suggestions for you to solve your problem. If you try what I suggest you will start to see different behaviour from her. But that is a completely different issue from whether you want to or not. Which I have no idea about and only you can decide. Good luck.

Thank you. I do appreciate constructive criticism.

[RdHrshyKss]

Bronchitis is overwhelmingly viral, though. Antibiotics won't help, so I am (desperately) trying out home remedies, because come Hell or high water, I am going out tonight for margaritas. And BTW - mustard plasters burn! lol

i've always found that taking oregano oil does wonders. whenever i've felt slightly sick, or something weird was going on with my throat, sinuses, whatnot, i'd take oregano oil for a few days and i'd get better rather quickly. taking it even when you aren't sick every now and then can help ward off stuff. you don't smoke, do you? my sister has an issue with getting bronchitis every now and then from her smoking.