Time to move on?

[porcelaindoll]

So I'm so confused, and I'm not sure what to feel or what to do or even how to take this all. Lately has been a roller coaster of confusion. We had been having problems, and I've been trying to be optimistic and hopeful but in the back of my mind was a resounded pessimistic view. One of our major problems was him being car-less, he had one when we first started dating but he had bought the thing broken and the people he bought it from had been screwing him around pretending to fix the problem but only making it worse. So he finally got them to take it back to fix the real issue, and the warranty company was giving him a new engine. It is now 5 months later, and he still hasn't gotten it back. Another problem i think adds to things, is I had gotten pregnant. We both decided to terminate, because we both agreed we were no ready emotionally and finically. But he was very anxious to get rid of it ASAP. So a few months ago I had approached him about his recent aloofness, and he had told me he was drifting away due to the distance. He said he was so used to seeing me alot, and with his car gone and his hours at work changing had taken a toll on him. He had has for a break, but never went ahead with it. I had figured it was the baby, because a week after it was gone he had done a 360. He was extremely affectionate, and all about me. But then things started getting distant again. Tonight, out of the blue he apologized to me for being distant saying the distance has taken it toll still, and that hes always in a bad mood because of his car. He purfusely kept apologizing, kept saying it's not you. He asked if we should do our own thing and see what happens once he gets his car back. Kept saying he didnt want to keep hurting me, and stringing me along. He still wants to hang out, and is pushing to hang out actually. But i said to him if he only wants to be my friend, i can't do it because it will give me false hopes and i won't heal. But he doesnt seem to get it, as if he doesn't know what he wants or maybe he just doesn't want to hurt my feelings or just feels bad.


example:
him: so you dont want to hang out with me still? :/
me: its going to be more confusing for me, because i dont know what the hell you want
him: im sorry
him: i dont not like you
him: thats why i still do want to explore and whatever with you
him: ya know?

him: are you gonna come friday still?
me: why?
him: well lets see
him: your friends are going!
him: silly
him: please go?
me: why do you want me to go so bad?
him: idk
him: chandra i dont hate you lol
him: so theres no reason i wouldnt want you to go
me: what do you want from me?
him: to be friends right now?
him: i just want to get everything straightened out too
him: with my damn ****ing car
him: and job shit
him: im not mad at you for anything
him: so yea
him: i'd still want to see you

So why does he keep pressing to see me? Am i reading too much into things? Is it just that he needs space to sort things out before we can be together? Or is it over, and i need to move on?

[pringlej]

him: im sorry
him: i dont not like you

????

Sounds like he's just stringing you along for sex maybe? or as a backup.

What's "I dont not like u" meant to mean? I dont not like a lot of people, doesnt meant that I constantly ask them to hang out. He's being quite selfish by the sounds of it as he doesnt want to "string you along" but that's exactly what he's doing.

He obviously is not liking you not wanting to hang out and misses the attention from you. Just keep your distance and have a bit of fun.

[porcelaindoll]

We Haven't had sex in weeks, so i doubt he's stringing me along for that.

[IncognitoSir]

Actually, he clearly is showing you that he's a bit confused about things, BUT he is communicating with you right now as he attempts to figure things out. I can see where you're coming from with the friends thing, but it doesn't seem like he's trying to string you along as a backup but he's trying to make it work with you. I can see how this is frustrating though. You have to make a choice. Stick it out with him and see if you guys can save the relationship or you can bail on the relationship and kick him outta your life since you would rather not be just friends.

[pinkinterlude]

I've been in this exact position. My long story short - we were together a year and everything was perfect- no arguments etc. His ex who finished with him 6 months prior to meeting me suddenly gets back in touch after refusing to speak to him since the split, and he becomes 'confused' about his feelings for us both. After a month trying to get through it, he finally admitted that he didn't think he was over her (which is understandable because they were together for 3 1/2 years), she never really said why she got in touch and I fell for that line of how he didn't want to lose me. We decided to split up, I told him I thought he should have space to realise what he wants (hoping it would be me). He agreed, saying he should have time to sort his head out, but still initated contact with me, turning up at my house or out where I was with my friends etc etc. I thought this was because he cared. Maybe he did, I'd like to think he did because I was with him for a year, but I think I was just his back up. We were both waiting on what he ex wanted. And I decided that I couldn't do that anymore. I really didn't want to lose him but it got to the point where when we did see each other, I wasn't happy. Mainly because we would avoid that whole subject and have fun, but that doubt in the back of my mind was making me think, 'Is it really me he wants here?'. He's not a bad guy, he was just confused and didn't handle things the best way he could. I can say that now after having time away from it all and room to think.

It seems that way with your guy. I don't think he is intentionally setting to hurt you. I think that is the last thing he wants to do. I can understand your perspective though. I've gone from girlfriend to just someone he wanted to take things slow with and it made me feel like shit. He should have suggested that when we first met. It seems he is a 'live for the moment' kind of guy, just like my ex. He was having some problems, you came along, he liked you and wanted to spend more time with you. You probably made him feel desired and happy. But then his problems caught up with him and he got to the point where he couldn't ignore them anymore. This sudden change caused problems for you two and this is where you have ended up.
Your termination should also come into consideration because that's a traumatic experience for anyone to go through, and I hope you are okay. That has probably added to the pressure.

To me, it sounds like he does care for you. A guy friend of mine told me when I was confused about my ex's wanting to still be in contact, that guys usually just dump a girl if they don't want to be with her, if they don't, they won't. They'll get as far away as possible from her and the situation, to avoid any aftermath if they want it to be the end. Your guy has not.

Maybe he does just crave attention and likes to feel wanted, and knows that you will give him both. Maybe he genuinely does have some problems that he feels he needs to fix at the minute, and just feels that he has to be on his own for a while to do so. Either way, being around him does not help. I know it's a big step, and it scared me so much, but you should put distance between him and you for the timebeing. You don't want him to use you as a crutch during his time of need, you want him to want to be with you because he wants to, not because you were there through a bad time. It might feel like you are abandoning him at a bad time, but he was the one who felt he should be on his own. Tell him he has things he has to sort out and should have the space to do that. Tell him you will give him that space and that this space would be good for you too. Give the reasons that you have already told him. There's not much else more frustrating and hurtful than being around someone who can't give you what you want, who can't feel the same as you do, for whatever reason. Leave things open and see how you feel about things in a few weeks. That way, you are being respectful and mature to his reasons for feeling he should be on his own for now. No one can say you are in the wrong.

The one thing that I made the mistake of thinking was that I didn't have time. But I did and you do. I rushed into things because I wasn't thinking straight, I was so confused about everything apart from the fact that I knew I didn't want to lose him. I know it's hard but it's amazing how much distance can do for gaining clarity on a situation. You're in the midst of everything and need a change of scene, just for a while. I'm not gonna say it isn't difficult because it is. I'm still getting over things but things now aren't as bad as I was imagining. You'll get there.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do..

[cmacattack1]

I think this thing got a whole lot more real with the pregnancy and the abortion (which has to be hurting you pretty badly too I can imagine). I think it got very serious very quickly, at least too quickly for him. It makes him feel like he is in too deep and it's scaring him. I'm sure you are scared too but I think it's pretty obvious what you want. And you know it's him that doesn't know what he wants. All you can do is give him the time and space so he can figure it out. He's got some issues undoubtedly, and he has to figure this out on his own. You being there for him is actually providing a cushion and letting him sink deeper into those issues and as you noticed, things are getting worse. It's stagnating and he probably feels like he can't do anything about it. He's wrong.

He hasn't asked for time apart because he's afraid of losing you. But what he hasn't realized is that he already is. If he isn't going to take some action, it's time for you to. You are only worth as much as you allow yourself to be treated as, and you are being treated as barely a friend. You want more, don't settle for less. Let him know how you feel and that this is it. And if he doesn't come around, stick to it. If it takes this to get him to realize something, he was too immature for this relationship in the first place.

[porcelaindoll]

Thanks, you guys have helped given me great advice and made me a feel a little better.

[IndiReloaded]

I don't mean to be cruel to you young ones, but in my experience guys who are truly interested would never waffle in this way. Any guy who ever told me 'I don't not like you", would be out the door faster than yesterday's used chamber pot. What Pringle said.

Don't you see how that's a backhanded comment? Of course he's just stringing you along. Intentionally or not is irrelevant. Don't you want a guy who isn't confused and will hustle for you? Find some self-respect and show this guy the curb.

[IndiReloaded]

He hasn't asked for time apart because he's afraid of losing you.

No he's not. Sorry, but I disagree. I think he's been looking for a way out for a while and is too much of an e-tard to just be honest about it.

[Raze]

^^ You just have to be politically correct, don't ya?

[IndiReloaded]

LOL, Raze. Thanks.

I'm no Polly Tonybee, thank God (ha). Those 'elf and safety' bubble brains use PC as a form of reverse psych to tolerate mediocre ideas. Its good for people to have it pointed out to them. Even rudely.

[porcelaindoll]

Strange how each's perspectives are different on this, if that's the case i wish he hadn't of sugarcoated things and just said "it's over" and i can move on. Saying it has he had, left room for false hope. I guess i'll pursue him to just tell me, so i can close the book and move on.

I don't get why he keeps pushing to be my friend, and keep hanging out. Backup?

*sigh* i hate feeling things for people

[lovesjoyajm]

I agree with Indi. I have heard confusing lines before, but "I don't not like you" is not one of them.

[leoben]

I also agree with Indi, you don't say things like “i dont not like you” and “chandra i dont hate you lol” if you are still interested in a girl.

I don't get why he keeps pushing to be my friend, and keep hanging out. Backup?

He feels guilty. It sounds like you were a good girlfriend to him, especially when it came to the unwanted pregnancy and he still lost interest and dumped you. It makes him feel less guilty by still being there for you in the friend capacity, even though all it really does is cause you more pain and confusion.

He's probably not going to stop trying to be your friend anytime soon. You will have to be the strong one and put an end to communication with him if you want to start moving on.

[porcelaindoll]

Well, i think he was just trying to get across that he still has positive feelings for me. I mean it's not the best things to say, and i see your perspectives but i can see why he said it too.

I try to take in as much as i can from other people, noting their experiences and what they have to say. Even in the darkest of all, i still have hope. Naive i suppose, but i think he does have alot on his mind and maybe things went too quickly. I'm not going to go out of my way to chase him down or whatever, I am going to do my own thing and try to be postive.

Thank you all for your imput, what everyone said will help me choose what i will do in the coming weeks.