My ex is finding new ways to tear me apart... what am I supposed to do?

[ecojeanne]

wow i can't believe this saga is still ongoing. you have got to cut contact. seriously. you'll suffice until something better comes along, seriously. LET HER GO. SERIOUSLY. give yourself a smack everytime you think about being with her. she'll really fck you up this time if you go back with her. you have a chance to be with someone else, don't blow it.

[soulsurvivor23]

^^ You're absolutely right.. I mean I can't lie, it was really a physical attraction that kept me around as long as I was. My current gf is certainly attractive but this girl was by far the most attractive girl i've ever dated. But you're right that having someone who treats you right, appreciates you, is there for you, and has a real connection is certainly more important and i've come to realize that.. Therefore I don't want to let what I have slip away.

[Teddy057]

Yeah, physical attraction's a bitch. My ex had me whipped pretty good, sex was ridiculously good. But, at the end of the day, are you gonna want to be with a girl that treats you great and appreciates you? Or just is smoking hot and is a huge b*tch? Lol, a lot of guys pick option 2, but it's really not worth it. Deep down, I'm sure your gut is screaming to not ever talk to that old chick again. Follow it, it won't ever steer you wrong.

[soulsurvivor23]

Yeah, physical attraction's a bitch. My ex had me whipped pretty good, sex was ridiculously good. But, at the end of the day, are you gonna want to be with a girl that treats you great and appreciates you? Or just is smoking hot and is a huge b*tch? Lol, a lot of guys pick option 2, but it's really not worth it. Deep down, I'm sure your gut is screaming to not ever talk to that old chick again. Follow it, it won't ever steer you wrong.

That is exactly it! Every part of my being tells me that this girl is trouble, but the physical connection is the only part that makes me ignore the rest of it. Because if I had to sit down and come up with a list of legit reasons that I would ever want to get back with her, there would clearly only be onee. And it would be a stupid one that the wrong brain would be directing.

[IndiReloaded]

The problem is that I got into an exchange with her and now she feels like the floodgates are opened. Now she sends me text messages day and night saying how she loves me, how i'm the one for her, and how if I truly look in my heart it will tell me that we are meant for one another. Even though i've stopped responding, she continues to send, relentlessly, and they are really getting to me.

Of course its getting to you. She's picking at a wound that is best left alone. How dare she tell you she loves you when she knows you are with someone else?? Friends don't do this kind of thing. Emotionally retarded, selfish people do this kind of thing. Even if she suspected you might still harbour feelings she shouldn't be going there, its completely inappropriate. Yuck for you and your lady. Way to stir shit up.

If she had any class she'd simply deliver a true apology for past events, wish you happiness and leave you the hell alone. The fact she can't means its still all about her. What QofC said.

[soulsurvivor23]

The problem is that while i've said all the right things, told her to go away, ignore and erased all further messages it really just stirred up all those old thoughts and feelings of what if... All these thoughts of what could've happened and what it had been like if she hadn't been so confused and hadn't ****ed with me because of that.. I feel like I was past her. I didn't think about her very often and even when it did it was in a negative manor. And then she's gonna come and apologize + to say she's all wrong (which she never said before, she previously said it was all my fault) and that she realizes how much of a special guy I am, one that she's serious about (which she actually use to say to me about him). When she sends me these messages regardless of how I act on the outside, it stirs up my emotions on the inside and I don't know how to get rid of that feeling.

[60mm]

There's a reason you can block people's numbers. Seriously. She was too cruel to you to deserve forgiveness. I can understand someone not knowing what they want sometimes and messing something up but I can't understand how she could say what she said. Block her number. Block her facebook. Erase her, you'll be happier.

[IndiReloaded]

The problem is that while i've said all the right things, told her to go away, ignore and erased all further messages it really just stirred up all those old thoughts and feelings of what if... All these thoughts of what could've happened and what it had been like if she hadn't been so confused and hadn't ****ed with me because of that.. I feel like I was past her. I didn't think about her very often and even when it did it was in a negative manor. And then she's gonna come and apologize + to say she's all wrong (which she never said before, she previously said it was all my fault) and that she realizes how much of a special guy I am, one that she's serious about (which she actually use to say to me about him). When she sends me these messages regardless of how I act on the outside, it stirs up my emotions on the inside and I don't know how to get rid of that feeling.

Well, what's the urgency to all this? Just b/c SHE has finally decided to come around (maybe) doesn't mean you immediately need to pick up where you left off.

So, maybe you still have feelings for her. Or maybe its just residual shit left over from the mind-Fcuk you gave each other. Either way, right now you are seeing someone and she is being disrespectful of you and your partner to disclose her feelings to you. If she had an epiphany, its only a partial one and she has a way to go, IMO. Ask yourself this: is she wanting to apologize out of concern for you, or b/c she is trying to deal with her guilt for what happened? Very different motives, with the latter still being fundamentally driven by selfishness.

Like I said, I think if she was really sincere she might offer to discuss and apologize but not to interfere with your present relationship. That 'love' disclosure is actually a betrayal in a way, given your current situation. Don't you think? You sure sound betrayed/angry to me.

[IndiReloaded]

Yeah she is really great to me. And in fact I told her about this situation (of course not quite in the same way i've put it on here), and surprisingly she didn't get all upset with me like other girls i've dated would have. She just calmly told me that she recommends for me to just tell her I forgive but that i've moved on and want no further interaction with her. And then just delete and ignore any further messages I receive from her.

BTW, this^ advice sounds very sensible to me. Your new GF sounds great.

[soulsurvivor23]

Yeah, I did feel betrayed by what happened and in some ways I still do. I actually asked her (back when I responded) if she was looking for forgiveness as a way to deal with her guilt. She responded that no she's not looking for that, she's just looking to regain a big part of her life that she didn't realize how important it was to her until it was gone.

[Gigabitch]

It's time for the dialog with the ex to stop. You keep going back and forth with her and indulging her. She's an emotional vampire. Cut off her supply.

[IndiReloaded]

Sometimes people who really do care about each other end up damaging each other. Its the risk that goes along with making oneself emotionally vulnerable. Its also an important lesson, learning how much to give of oneself and under what circumstances.

Now that I reread your story, it sounds like you both betrayed each other, if in different ways. You knew (or found out) that you were emotionally invested in a girl who was seeing someone else. I'm not saying the way she went about things was okay but I think you also need to hear a bit of "well, what did you expect?" about the situation.

Was she cheating on him with you? Or vice-versa? Sorry, I just can't remember the details. What was the order of events for how this gal became your ex. Did she breakup with you for that next guy?

EDIT: Okay, I see she was cheating and burning both ends of the candle. So, I agree with Giga. Just NC this gal. Its unlikely she's going to change her behaviour. In fact, you kicking her to the curb might be the very lesson this girl needs. Its very unlikely this gals disclosure to you is anything other than emotional manipulation. Don't let her suck you in.

[soulsurvivor23]

Well, I guess to answer your question and to provide more detail, the 8 prior months i'm referring to we weren't dating the entire time. The first few were just us talking and getting to know each other. She had the same boyfriend at that time too but never mentioned him to me, even when we started getting really close. Then one day we exchanged I love you's with her saying it to me first, and it just took off from there. The way I found out about her boyfriend is that one day when I called her she happened to be speaking with him on webcam. I actually heard the guy say "who are you talking to" and she was like "my friend ......., I already told you about him" and he said "you have 10 seconds to get off the phone.." So then she was like, are you serious? And came back on the phone thinking I hadn't heard any of that and told me she'd call me back later. I confronted her about it the following day and she finally admitted it to me.. She said that he was her bf on and off and that they were "off" when she first told me she loves me. So that was it, I told her i'm done with her and that I never want to speak with her again... The problem is that our lives were connected in so many ways, she worked in the same place as me, we took several of the same classes, we had some of the same friends, so she found a way to keep in contact with me. She eventually convinced me that although she was with her bf, i'm the one she wanted and that if I wait it out, the next time he breaks up with her (it had happened more than 5 times already) would be the last and then she'd be with me. And I stupidly believed it and waited around all that time for my opportunity. It was rough, very very difficult to deal with on a day to day basis. We got in a lot of arguments about the way things were and how they had gone down, but at the end of it all we always ended up kissing and making up, literally and figuratively. But the straw that broke the camels back for me was, as I described in my first post, when the guy finally did break up with her for good and get with someone else on top of that, and then she goes and tells me that i'm the cause for the rift in their relationship and for the breakup and that for that she will never want to be with a guy like me... That was it. Those words cut me deeply but they also told me I NEED to sever ties, immediately. And so I did.

[cmacattack1]

Everybody here has given you great, sensible advice and as we all know you can't help how you feel, you have to do your best and keep your composure and be logical about this. When you lashed out at her, she sensed emotional weakness and pounced on it, hence the pouring in of texts and calls you are getting. Even now, taking your girlfriend's advice wouldn't really do much because you already appear confused to lash out one day and then tell her you moved on the next? This ridiculous girl isn't going to buy it. And she knows how you feel and is going to continue to punish you and you know that if you ever went back to her, she'd drop you like a bad habit as soon as she had you to herself again.

She's good looking sure, but she's gotten by on JUST that for far too long. You want something serious, you want the whole package. Even if the girl you have right now isn't as good looking, she can provide so much more than the other girl can offer. I don't know you, your current girlfriend, or your crazy girl, but I know this for a fact.

Use this as another lesson for keeping your NC. If she calls out of the blue again, don't answer. If it's important, she'll leave a message. Then you can listen and make your own decision on your own time after truly thinking it over. Not catching you on the spot and having your react because you feel you have no other choice.

You can sit there and wonder about the "what ifs" all you want to all damn day. But it won't get you anywhere, and it's not realistic. We all do it when we get dumped or a relationship ends but it's nothing more than a fantasy and is always entirely and completely unrealistic. For this crazy girl to turn into a fantastic woman, a great mother and somebody you could start a family with? Nah. She's not even fun to be around.

You know what to do, you know what's right, you aren't stupid or unintelligent at all. Don't let your emotions make you a retard.

[FrailWings]

Kind of relate to you here buddy, but not in the sense of me actually moving on and making it official but when i was "better" my ex contacted me, etc, and we got back together. I fell for that twice. Same has happened again, but i don't expect her to come running. Thing is, she wants to keep you around until she moves on, or as it seems. When she realises you're moving on, you don't need her, she comes crawling back. It's because it's making her feel worthless, that you're so strong now, notice the change of power, the tables have turned, she has no power over you. Keep doing what you're doing, what have you got to benefit from getting back with her? For her to turn around and boot you to the side again, which is most likely, just try and block it out, you may still have feelings, but you'll more than likely end up back here if you pursue something with her.