Hurt and confused :(

[amyt25]

Hey guys, thanks for your advice
Yeah im not clear what he is actually doing, he did say to me he was at his males friends house last night. We have a joint bank account and he's only spent 30 pounds which was spent yesterday morning on an x box game so I dont think hes out and about going for drinks etc. But ive had a decent night sleep last night and have woken up feeling a lil better about the situation and have been thinking about trust and even if he did come back would I be able to trust him etc? The answers more than likely no. Plus ive gotta prepare myself for him not returning because he told me he isnt in love with me anymore, that cant just change so even if he did wanna come back what is his reason? Probably because he missed his home comforts and the kids not me though. So its just accepting it and getting on with my life. I'm heartbroken and things remind me hes not here all the time, like our 14 month old hears the postman and he thinks its daddy But what can I do if he doesnt love me aymore? I cant force him to

[xxazurexx]

It isn't clear (yet) that this is what he is doing.

The OP said that this was so 'out of character' for him, he loves his kids and would do anything for his kids, it's not like him to up and leave.....

This is why I refused to buy the fact that my ex husband was just wanting a 'break', when he'd tried to make that his excuse for leaving me. I also got the 'I love you, but I'm not in love with you anymore' speech and he simply wanted to clear his head. I knew that there must be more to it, than his just wanting a break and because like the OP's guy, my ex H loved and doted on our daughter, she was and is his only child and I knew, just knew, that he wouldn't have walked out on our daughter in a MILLION years and just because he wanted 'space'. I was proven 'right'....he left and because there was indeed another woman involved and he went off to test the waters with her, immedialtey after leaving me.

It is because it is out of character and because the OP feels he would never leave his kids, why I'm inclined to think that there is more to this and he hasn't left and abandoned his kids, simply because he wants space. I'm thinking he has been chatting to this other woman, has confided in her and told her of his relationship, his problems, etc, etc and he has found himself caught up in an emotional affair, which can be highly addictive. She is his 'real' reason for walking out and because he has become addicted to her. He wants to test the waters with her and see how they get along.....

He will want to keep the OP as a 'safety net' and for if things fail with the other woman. He has chosen not to be honest about his real reason for leaving and because he doesn't want to jeopardise that 'safety net'. He wants to return to a woman he claims he doesn't love and if it doesn't work out with her.

He is likely very fearful that it won't work with the other woman, in the same way my ex Hubby was. And for that reason is why my ex decided at first, not to come clean with me. He tried to keep me as his 'safety net' also. However and in my situation I wasn't 'dumb', I knew he'd NEVER leave his daughter. So I'd questioned and questioned until he finally confessed the truth....he was in fact leaving to test the waters with her. So that spelled the 'end' of his 'safety net'..., for ever returning to me and I'd told him that there would be no way back once he walked out that door.

I would say to the OP....don't be so naive. Men don't just up and leave their family for NOTHING and especially if they dote on and love their kids.

[xxazurexx]

Hey guys, thanks for your advice
Yeah im not clear what he is actually doing, he did say to me he was at his males friends house last night. We have a joint bank account and he's only spent 30 pounds which was spent yesterday morning on an x box game so I dont think hes out and about going for drinks etc. But ive had a decent night sleep last night and have woken up feeling a lil better about the situation and have been thinking about trust and even if he did come back would I be able to trust him etc? The answers more than likely no. Plus ive gotta prepare myself for him not returning because he told me he isnt in love with me anymore, that cant just change so even if he did wanna come back what is his reason? Probably because he missed his home comforts and the kids not me though. So its just accepting it and getting on with my life. I'm heartbroken and things remind me hes not here all the time, like our 14 month old hears the postman and he thinks its daddy But what can I do if he doesnt love me aymore? I cant force him to

Any man who truly loves you, doesn't walk out on you and his kids.

When you take someone back who has walked out on you and your kids, you no more than give your seal of approval that it's ok to walk out on you and your kids,as and when they please.

People should have to face consequences for their despicable actions....very few men do face consequences, which is why they continue to take the piss out of women over and over again.

And no you wouldn't be able to trust him anymore. You could perhaps forgive and if you wanted too, but you would never forget what he did and the fear of 'Will he walk out again'? will keep coming back to haunt you. Take it from me who has forgiven, but I could never ever forget....

It's not a relationship I'd ever wish or want to be in again. ...no wayyyy!

There are way too many decent guys out there, you don't have to settle for a TURD!!

[amyt25]

You make perfect sense what you are saying, I suppose in the back of my mind I always think im not worthy of anyone else and whod take me with 2 children. Plus I just loved that man to pieces, even though hes done what he has the heartache is kinda unbearable, but I know in my heart that its probably a blessing in disguise. Its just accepting that. And I know that if I had him back I wouldnt be able to trust him again and id end up going crazy thinking bout what hes up to at work or when im at work. I think sometimes its better to spare yourself that kinda life. Thanks for your advice, its nice to know its not just me whos felt like that before

[xxazurexx]

There are plenty of other men who would take on a woman and two kids and if they loved you. Trust me on that one. My step dad married my mum and took four of us kids on and proved to be a better role model for us kids, than my real father ever did.

These days, a lot of single females do have children and before they marry and they seem to have no problem in attracting another partner/a husband, so why should you have difficulty? I am now single with a child. It sure hasn't stopped men from showing an interest in me, treating me like a lady, wanting to meet me, take me to different places and buy gifts for me...so quit putting yourself down You are just as good and as worthy as anyone else out there.

I can imagine how you are feeling and everything and because I've been there and it's not nice. My whole world was uprooted and destroyed in a matter of 2 minutes....ten long years of my life wasted and on a man I'd trusted would never ever turn his back on me or our daughter...but he did. It can take months to recover, it took me a year to get over it completely and you would get over it too and in time. I went on to meet better guys, than my ex H could ever hope to be. Now when I look back, I'm glad he went and that we are no longer together because for me it had been a blessing in disguise too. And my daughter never suffered either. Despite we were not together and the circumstances in which we split, I always, always allowed him access to see her and he still played the part of 'dad' as and when he could. She turned into a bright young lady, all set shortly to go to college and to study law.

Has he been in touch in regard to seeing the kids?

[amyt25]

Thank you again for your advice. I know what your saying is right Im sure there are people out there who dont mind if you have children so I hold out hope
The pain is still so raw to be honest. But im not the first to ever feel this way and im sure it will go away eventually, it will just take time. I feel a tiny bit better but I dont know if thats because I havent seen him for over 2 days, and im scared that if I see him i'll be upset all over again.
He texted me this morning to say good morning how are the children? and said he was going to get the eldest boy an xbox game today. I replied awhile later saying there fine and to save his money because he will need it. He bought it anyway. Then hes texted asking what we were doing? I dont answer questions like that because I dont want him to know were just at home and he asked it again so I lied and said id taken to baby out for awhile. He also keeps asking how im am or how im feeling, again I dont answer that. He mentioned in one of his texts that "I miss the kids very much, i miss it all really but im bound to until the pain stops aching hey?" and it was "very tough to deal with " Again I havent said anything back other than to tell him how the children are. I also told him the kids were in bed fast asleep when they werent to stop the contact. Am I doing right?

[xxazurexx]

If I was to be in this situation again, I'd insist he only called and in matters regarding the kids, to sort out access to them and I'd only give him info in regard to the kids, which you appear to be doing anyway. Let him know nothing else whatsoever and don't spend time talking to him and telling him you are fine, etc, etc and because when you do this, you are making it easy for him and to transistion between his old, familiar life and the new one. They also feel less guilt for what they have done and when we will make conversation with them and let them know we are ok and it's the guilt they struggle with and find it difficult to cope with. Don't make this easy for him...like I stupidly did

I think that sometimes they can leave, then the reality of what they have done starts to hit them. Especially and if things are not so hunky dory with the other woman, as they may have assumed they would be. I know that my ex H started to call me and after 3 weeks of leaving. He'd cry and say he still loved me, missed me and that he was torn between me and the other woman. That he didn't trust her, wished he never met her and he wanted to come home. Then he'd said that he thought she had used him and to get out of a bad marriage....so I'd clicked then, that things were not going so well for them and he was unsure of her. He was still trying to keep me as his 'safety net' and did so for 6 months. These calls went on for 6 months, in which he'd say he still loved me, wanted to come home, etc, etc... but he'd also say that if he came back, he knew I'd never be able to forgive him nor forget and he was right because I wouldn't have been able too. Then after six months, the calls suddenly stopped and so I figured that his transistion to the new life was complete and he was feeling more secure in his new life with her. Our divorce went through and the next thing I knew, he'd married her.

[John May]

Your relationship wasnt fine.

If he is even thinking about someone else he does not love you.

It sucks but sometimes people fall out of love with each other. The best way is to accept it and move on. there are better things in life for you.

Yes he is playing you. He wants to see if he can get this new girl, if he cant he will return to you.... until he finds someone else.

He only cares about him and you deserve someone who loves you.