Model Mayhem?

[318i]

Dear Peoples.
I have a question regarding a modeling website entitled "Model Mayhem." My partner of over a year has a profile up on this website. He has had several photo shoots in New York City and Washington DC as a result of his profile. This website is a social networking site for models and photographers alike to find jobs. However, you can find everything from legit gigs to porn opportunities. In his profile, he has some photos of himself in tiny underwear, nearly naked. The website is set up similar to Facebook, where you can "friend" other models and photographers. I saw comments on his wall where other models thanked him for his comments regarding their photos (although, I have no idea what the comments were).
Earlier this year, I found a chain (similar to a dog collar) in his bed room. When I asked him about it, he beat around the bush and eventually admitted that he had done a photo shoot for a calendar. I was rather upset that he hid it from me, finding out only by discovering said "dog collar". As a result of my reaction, he said in his profile that he is no longer actively pursuing "modeling", is only interested in keeping the contacts that he has made through his experiences. However, I recently noticed that he has added a new photo and continues to "friend" other photographers and models.
I realize that there is a certain artistic component to modeling. I also realize it has very sensual and sexual connotations. He claims that he looks at other model's pictures because of their "beautiful structured faces". In my world, that was always called "cruising".
Furthermore, my partner is in an English PhD program. This means that one day he may be a professor in front of a classroom. I question how appropriate/professional it would be to have nearly naked photos of yourself floating in cyber space?
At any rate, i was just wondering if anyone and any words of advice or had a similar experience.

Sincerely,
From Back Stage.

[Kayla]

first, I am not sure this post is for real or not. Something about it seems... idk- like its not real. But I am going to assume it is and here are my thoughts on it:

seems like there are several things going on here.

1. is he is lying to you about what he is doing?
2. are you upset that he is "looking" at other models on the website and commenting on the photos?
3. are you upset about the half naked photos of himself on the internet?
4. whats with the dog collar? What other things have been hidden from you?
4. and, yes, having half naked photos of yourself on the internet can get you in very big trouble when you become a professional- esp when you work in education. I am a teacher.

seems like there are a whole lot of issues here.. his future job being possibly threatened by half naked photos seems to be the least of the issues right now.. that being said, if all of the things listed above bother you then its time to move on.

are you also a model? If not, are you threatened by him being around other beautiful people as part of his work?

[318i]

Yes, the post is very much real. Thank you for your response.

See, I just didn't know if i was over reacting. Is modeling underwear something that could be detrimental to one's career in the future?

I guess I am insecure with him looking and forging other relationships with these models. What is the purpose? Obviously one is going to "friend" other models who they find attractive.

I also had a 2 hr. conversation about this with my partner last night. I told him that I was going to make a modeling page and do the same things that he is doing. "Friending" other modles... making comments on their photos. Well, that struck a sore chord. He was not too happy with that idea. He said that, given my internet past, that he didn't trust me! I find that to be a double standard and hypocritical. He also said that he didn't want to take his down, but he didn't want me to do what he is doing. I couldn't help but laugh. He is in Disney World with his family right now, so, I dont' know if he was half delirious from the sun or what.

The relationship has had rough hurdles in the past year. We had a sort of "open relationship" for awhile, which was very destructive. This is where the trust issues come from. Also, It is a long distance relationship (6 hours).

This is my first relationship that has lasted this long, so I am not really sure what I am doing. So, I never know when I am over reacting or not. At any rate, I thank you for your comment.

[xxazurexx]

IMO, you knew and before you decided to get involved with him, the career path he had chosen for himself. And it suited you then and to get involved with a guy who models...., so why is it a big deal now?

Try to change a man and you usually always end up the 'loser'.

[318i]

I am not trying to change him. I do not have a problem with the modeling. I have an issue with the secrets. Last time I checked, modeling did not entail crusing the internet, making comments about other people's photos, forging some sort of "friends" with other models? He claims to not be interested in modeling anymore. So why still have the website? Why the need to befriend other models and tell them how nice they look? To me, if one was interested in modeling, they would find a manager and seriously pursue it. It is not his profession/career, as you stated. He is a PhD student in English.

Thanks for your response.

[Mish]

I also had a 2 hr. conversation about this with my partner last night. I told him that I was going to make a modeling page and do the same things that he is doing. "Friending" other modles... making comments on their photos. Well, that struck a sore chord. He was not too happy with that idea. He said that, given my internet past, that he didn't trust me! I find that to be a double standard and hypocritical. He also said that he didn't want to take his down, but he didn't want me to do what he is doing. I couldn't help but laugh. He is in Disney World with his family right now, so, I dont' know if he was half delirious from the sun or what.

It's definetly a double standard. I would do it if I were you, and not stop until he quits his.

Do you find him to be hypocritical on other issues?

[318i]

He actually is not hypocritical on other issues. This is the first time that I am totally taken aback. I find it quite hurtful. In a relationship, i view it as a balance. Each is on equal footing. It is not fair to hold one person to certain standards while the other does not abide to those standards. It is funny how even more ridiculous this situation is when it is written out. However, I must say, it is SO MUCH harder when you are intertwined in emotions with another being.

Thank you for your input!

[xxazurexx]

I am not trying to change him. I do not have a problem with the modeling. I have an issue with the secrets. Last time I checked, modeling did not entail crusing the internet, making comments about other people's photos, forging some sort of "friends" with other models? He claims to not be interested in modeling anymore. So why still have the website? Why the need to befriend other models and tell them how nice they look? To me, if one was interested in modeling, they would find a manager and seriously pursue it. It is not his profession/career, as you stated. He is a PhD student in English.

Thanks for your response.

Not interested anymore and because his jealous gf doesn't like the fact that he had a modelling profile and he'd likely had it online for a long time before he met you if he was wanting work and looking for photo shoots. Course he is going to befriend other people who are in the same profession...it's how people get contacts for work!!! Naturally he would also have photos on this page, showing himself in differing settings and clothing and yes, underwear or even naked....he was trying to get work and a model needs to have a portfolio with many different looks.

And your idea to have a modelling profile wasn't mentioned by yourself and because you are looking to break into modelling, but because you are unhappy with his line of work and to spite him and to piss him off into taking his down. An ultimatum of kinds.....'Either you take yours down, or I will put one up'.....

And he's likely to be keeping it a secret, because he knows that you don't like what he does. He shouldn't have to be going behind your back and he wouldn't go behind your back and if you could be accepting of his line of work. And if you can't, then look for someone who isn't stripping off online.

[nerdy_guy]

Not interested anymore and because his jealous gf doesn't like the fact that he had a modelling profile and he'd likely had it online for a long time before he met you if he was wanting work and looking for photo shoots. Course he is going to befriend other people who are in the same profession...it's how people get contacts for work!!! Naturally he would also have photos on this page, showing himself in differing settings and clothing and yes, underwear or even naked....he was trying to get work and a model needs to have a portfolio with many different looks.

And your idea to have a modelling profile wasn't mentioned by yourself and because you are looking to break into modelling, but because you are unhappy with his line of work and to spite him and to piss him off into taking his down. An ultimatum of kinds.....'Either you take yours down, or I will put one up'.....

And he's likely to be keeping it a secret, because he knows that you don't like what he does. He shouldn't have to be going behind your back and he wouldn't go behind your back and if you could be accepting of his line of work. And if you can't, then look for someone who isn't stripping off online.

She's right you know. And besides, there is a weird kind of bright side into this. If you just let it be. You'll likely to find out sooner or later if he's cheating on you or not. Rather than try to breath down his neck for his every move. He'll be more secretive and you'll end up not really knowing what he's up to. If its just about commenting, then let it go. I comment on a lot of girls all the time, even my wife isn't so critical about it, she even starts to pick and comment who's beautiful and who's not. It's a simple rule: look, but don't touch

[318i]

Basically it comes down to this. I believe that people in a relationship are equals. He said that he does NOT want me doing the exact same thing he is doing. He is not comfortable with me doing the EXACT SAME THING he does, because he does not trust me. I view that as a double standard. I am supposed to just sit back and let him do stuff he does not want me doing? How can he expect me not to do stuff that he is doing himself? He is insecure about me having a modeling page and contacting people, but it is perfectly fine to for him to do it? Hogwash. I believe two people in a relationship should be on equal footing. One person should not be allowed to do something, while the other is not. He said "I want to keep my profile, but I do not want you to have one." I don't care what anyone says, it is shady, hypocritical, and a double standard.

[xxazurexx]

But he was doing all this BEFORE he met you!!!!!

I could understand where you were coming from and if you had BOTH been models with modelling pages when you met and he'd wanted to keep his up and wanted you to take yours down....but it didn't happen that way. He was doing and continue to does, what he did before he met you. And you were happy enough to get involved with him and knowing what he did for a living and in the knowledge he had a profile online before you met him....so why the big issue now?? You didn't model before you met him, you are NOT a model, but merely threatened you'd put a modelling page up and because all of a sudden you are unhappy about him having this profile up and you are using it as a means to 'blackmail' him...

I think you are feeling insecure over the fact he models and that he chats to other models. Your insecurity is the reason why you want him to take it down and why you threaten to put a profile online. If you were a model and genuinely wanting a profile online, I'd be a bit more understanding. But I think you are using it as a reason to blackmail...'Either take it down, or I will put one up'....

The problem is within you, not your bf. You are not willing to acknowledge your own flaws and insecurities in this relationship, but instead deflect all the blame onto him and turn it into a 'he's a hypocrit' argument.

At the end of the day and if you are not happy with what he's always done and does, if you can't accept it, you have a choice, you can leave him. If you didn't want a model for a partner and knowing what it entailed, you shouldn't have got involved in the first place.

[318i]

To an extent.
First, I have modeled. I have modeled before I met him. We even did a shoot together (FYI). I asked him why he needed to keep this profile up, especially when he claims not to be interested in modeling any more. His response: "Because I am vain and narcissistic, and I like strangers to tell me that I am pretty." To me, that tells me that he is insecure, immature, and needs to grow up. And thanks for your opinion, but that is a problem NOT within myself. He is friending 18 year olds that have no previous modeling experiences. 18 YEAR OLDS. How exactly is that helping his modeling career? How do you answer that one. When I asked him this question, his response is "yea, they're jacked." Now, If i had done this... and made the same comments, he said that he would not be comfortable with it. Give me a break. That is the definition of DOUBLE STANDARD. So, I am just supposed to sit back and say nothing? Not hardly.
I do not have a problem with him being a "model", but last time I checked, modeling did not entail befriending 18 year old teens with no modeling experience what so ever. He may have done this before he met me, as you proclaim. However, when one is in a relationship with someone, I would think that there would be more respect for the other person. Why does he NEED for others to tell him that he is hot, especially when in a relationship?

[xxazurexx]

OK, well it would have helped if you had mentioned that you were a model and had modelled together in the initial posting. People are not mind readers and we can only go off the information you decide to share.

If he isn't interested in modelling anymore but keeps it up and simply for girls to tell him he is 'hot', he has a problem. Why the f**k do you remain with him?

So my opinion changes. YES, I'd put one up and if he keeps his up and for no good enough reason. Don't just say you will do it.....actually DO IT!

[Mish]

Just for the record, I disagree with the people who say that because he had a modelling page up before and you didn't that means you don't have a right to have one. He has no right to prevent you from doing it, if you don't have a right to prevent him from doing it. If he doesn't like it then tough tities, I'd just do it if I were you.

But ultimately 318i, I think the two of you may not be the best match for each other if something this common sense is causing so much confusion in your relationship. You may need to let him go.