Should I leave him?

[It's Automatic]

Hi, I'm hoping to find some outside perspective.

My DH and I are both in our early 30's and have been married for 5 years. We are from different countries, and we live in his country. I also have a pre-teen child who is a stepson to my DH. Our cultural differences are not too drastic, we are both "Westerners." We met on the internet, and he came to visit me in my country and we married here. Then we moved to his country. We had some important things in common like religious views, views on family life and committment, and so on. One thing we differed on was political views, but he gave no indication to me that this would be a problem and I felt no reason to make it one.

W were separated for about 8 months before.

When I first arrived after we got married, he would have yelling rants about politics. These rants were attacking my views, and my home country, with a lot of yelling and anger. At first I tried to defend my views and country, but it would only make him more angry. I found this really disturbing. One weekend, he was so angry about my home country that he sent my mom some emails saying he would fight against my country no matter what. I learned that I mostly had to endure this in silence because the escalation in his anger if I said the wrong thing was too much.

He had some reasons to be unhappy with me, but he handled it in ways that were abusive. Once I fugured out what he was unhappy about, I took steps to change it. It was mainly housework issues. I was home for a period, while he was working. I was new to the country and language. Before we married, he knew I was messy and said that was fine. Since he knew and said it was fine, I didn't do very much housework. I had no idea of his expectations. He never tried to talk to me about it, and instead started to yell at me about it. I did more and more housework, but never enough. I just was not used to his standards, and he has a fear of becoming allergic to dust and getting asthma.

Besides that, he constantly criticized the way I did things. Some things were due to small differences in the new country, some just his preference. At ne point, he told me I was not allowed to keep ice in trays in the freezer, because he felt it used extra energy. Another time, I was forbidden to have any chlorine bleach around. Also, I didn't put the lid on the pot when cooking, had the burner too high, etc etc.

On top of this, his job was not really high paying, but we comfortably lived and paid our bills. It caused some friction, but was not our main problem. At this time, we had a joint bank account.

All this conflict adversely affected my language studies and energy levels. He could not see his role in making my studies more difficult. There were so many days where I was sick from lack of sleep and crying and fighting in the night or morning. He was also unhappy that I am not big on a lot of physical outdoor activities. I went on antidepressants, which further sapped my energy.

My son was left out of all of this, but of course had to witness it. I knew this was also horrible for him.

The second summer, my mom came to visit and stayed with us. My DH did NOT improve his treatment of me in my mom's presence. Interstingly, he has never mistreated me in front of his own parents, though. She had a talk with me and made me see more clearly that I was being abused.

After she left, I went to the shelter. I felt such relief to be there, and have peace. We had at this time been married 2 years. While I was in the shelter, I decided it had to be over between us and got a new apartment for my child and I.

After I left him, he was on best behavior, and I kept seeing him. For 8 months, we were separated. He was great all that time, had admitted he was wrong, promised to not repeat it, etc.

After we moved back together, things were good for around a year or a year and a half. He did start blaming me for leaving him and all the pain I caused him after a while.

Now, the way he talks about it, it's like he had NO blame in my leaving him. We have tried 3 different counsellors, all of which we had to quit because he didn't like them.

Also after moving back with him, we kept our separate bank accounts. I have a very small income, while he has qhite a lot of savings. I pay for all our groceries during the week, and he usually pays for them on the weekends. I think this is pretty fair, but he gets irritated and asks me to pay on weekends too sometimes. He pays most of the bills, but almost every time he does, he gets angry. When I have a big expense coming up, he gets angry and tells me I have to pay it myself. Right now, I am struggling to come up with the money for my residence permit, which needs to be renewed. He is generous about some things too, though.

I am also about to start school and he gets angry about that and tells me I should get a job instead. If we had no other marital problems, I might do that but I think I need to go to school so I can be more self-sufficient. School here is free and I will get more income while in school too.

The housework has finally reached his standard, mostly.

We have had a couple or recent fights where he tore me apart as a person, making me looks like a horrible person. Then later he says he didn't mean it.

I am unhappy though and really cannot imagine spending the rest of my life like this. I am happiest when he is away at work, and do not look forward to the weekends. I relish any extra time he is away from home. I do not look forward to him coming home. I fantasize about being in the shelter again, about being alone, about other men, etc.

I think it's time for me to move on, but I'm scared. I know that this time, if I leave him, it has to be final. He already blames me for the first time. I won't take that a second time.

Please, I have very few people to talk to about my situation and I need it! I guess it sounds obvious that I should leave, but tell me if I'm wrong!

[Kagerou]

He has no respect for you, your family, your views, your child, I think you know what you need to do.

[It's Automatic]

Hi, thanks, Kagerou. I could see more clearly even typing all that out.

I still have a dread of hurting him, the irreversiblility of leaving, fear of being seen as a bad person, etc.

[lahnnabell]

He will not change. You should make the necessary steps to get out while you can. I wish you luck.

[Lifeis..]

You need to be strong for your son and yourself. This situation is NEVER going to get any better and each day will become worse, I know because I was you for 14 years. Only you will no when your ready to move, build up your strength both mentally and emotionally. Prepare yourself for the future so you stay busy and don't have the time to dwell on what you have done or how sad you may have made him, but if you do start to question yourself then drag up all the negatives or just re-read your post and give yourself a wakeup call. You need to show your son what a strong woman you can be and how a relationship should be. You are his teacher so teach him and help him to understand where you have gone wrong and then show him how your going to put it right. Good luck, I wish you much strength and positive thoughts.

[It's Automatic]

Thanks, I need to get my residency permit first, hopefully soon. I hope the wait isn't long...

I have some fear over being able to remain in this country.

[girl68]

I still have a dread of hurting him

Well I"m sorry but you shouldn't He doesn't give a flying rats ass he hurts you and your child so much why should you extend such a courtesy?

[It's Automatic]

Thanks, yeah, just writing this out helped me realize it's the right choice.

I think I do need to take it slowly and plan well, though. I fantasize of being on my own with my kid, doing things the way I want, free from criticism.

I am having a lot of anxiety, acting like everything is fine at home. I don't want and can't cope with any big fights. This seems to mess with my mind a little.

I get pangs of guilt, I am giving no warning to him, I don't think I can afford to. I know I'll have to stay in the shelter until living arrangements are arranged, I can't live with him while breaking up, I know this.

I also worry he will break and destroy a few things. He did this last time.

I will take all family albums that are mine, important papers, ugh... I wonder if I should try to take more than that, of things that are mine.

Is leaving without warning ok? Should I talk to him? I think going to the shelter while he's not around is the safest choice. Is it wrong of me not to let on what I'm thinking in the meantime?

[Lifeis..]

No, it's not wrong to keep it from him. I would suggest you take anything that is of personal value to you otherwise he may take out his anger on your personal belongings or use them as ransom to weedle his way back in. It would be too easy to say we learn from our mistakes and it is during the down times you start to fantasise about the good times and think what if.... I wouldn't lie to you and say once you move on things will be easy because they won't although having tourism space and allowing yourself time to grieve for the relationship will aid your healing. It is very easy for people who haven't lived your life to say " don't give a damn about hurting him" you loved this man and believed he loved you too, and in some warped way he probably does, but he will never be able to love and treat you the way you want or deserve. And, as your first priority must be your son then it is best for him that you move on. Go to the shelter when you are ready, you must take strength from knowing you have right on your side. Take all help that is offered from friends family or the support staff, if counselling is offered, then take it. I would say after you leave things mat get worse before they get better and you will count each day of your freedom as significant because they are. It will get better, I assure you but take baby steps. Whatever you do I would advise against entering into discussions with him even when he is behaving impeccably as you will inevitably let your guard down. You left once, you can do it again. Good luck.

[bebs]

Hi
I am so sorry to hear how your hubby treating you I am into that situation right now. I felt he doesn't care for me when he is with his friends. He treated me rudely if I make simple mistakes . I am also paying our house and he just paid few bills I guess I am spending like 1500USD every month and he'll spend only 200 USD or lesser than that. He tooks my money and if I keep my money as a savings he will get very angry with me. If I spend too much for myself he is angry as well, I am very generous and kind and loving because I F::: love him. I slowly trying to have a gap and don't talk too much with him. I just do my responsibility in our house like cooking, cleaning etc. , but my advise is leave him and don't look back. ( I have a different story though but ı hope this will make you stronger and we can get the hell out of here.) My prayers is always for you Good Luck!