"Romantic friends"--Where to from here?

[rtr255]

(I'll call her Jane).

Jane and I are in a difficult spot. I met her three years ago, but then she moved to a different city for two years, ultimately coming back to my city last fall. She gave me a gift basket last fall, a surprise, and said she had been thinking about me. We got back together in February and have been seeing each other for five months--first as friends and then as "romantic friends" (for lack of a better term), meaning we eventually added physical activity to our evenings, and our get-togethers began to feel like dates, although we didn't call it "dating" because she said she was not ready for a relationship (and, as I understand it, "dating" means you're leading toward a relationship). Then after three months we had oral sex occasionally. That was okay with her for a while, but after our third get-together last month she withdrew into a "silent phase" for two weeks. She said she needed space to "analyze" our situation.

She eventually came back in an email last week saying she is not okay having a physical relationship like that if it's not part of a "serious" relationship. She she said she's been trying to figure out how to change our situation and relationship pattern and still keep me in her life. (By "pattern" she means the cycle that carries us from friends to lovers and then separation, only to come back to friends again upon missing each other and then lovers, etc.). She writes, "You know I treasure our friendship. But I wonder if you'd ever be satisfied being 'just' friends." (Her hunch is right. I do not want to be 'just friends.) She said after her two week vacation with family, she looks forward to seeing me and telling me all about her trip and showing me pictures. She wrote, "Wishing you the best while I'm gone. Your friend who loves you, Jane."

In my response, I explained that she if she did not want to have oral sex, that was fine with me --that when I say "I love her", I mean I want her to feel good, and if that doesn't make her feel good, she doesn't have to do it and I won't ask. I said that her thinking that I was fine with the current situation was not entirely right. I said I have wanted a relationship but have not wanted to push that on her if she wasn't ready, as she had said before. I said I hoped she had a great trip...

So, since both of us want to be in each others' lives, it seems like their are two options: go back to friends or start a relationship. Although she had reservations in the past about it, could she be interested now? That would make our physical activity legitimate, keep us in each others' lives, and prevent an awkward friendship.Besides, a friendship would just postpone an eventual separation because I know I would not be happy hearing about her seeing other guys. So again, Is she ready for a relationship or, if not, what????

[lahnnabell]

You need to ask her.

[Nimrod44]

What confusion. I think once you added physical activity and oral sex to the mix you were no longer just friends. Sex changes the way most women view the situation. You have to ask her if she wants a relationship with you now. If not you have to distance yourselves from one another or you will only hurt one another and any chance for a relationship with another person.