need thoughts or ideas please

[banser123]

Hello Ladies,

I was hoping to get some advice on my situation. If you read my past thread about a year ago you might have an idea what happened.
To make a long story short for the past year or so me and my ex, who is also my coworker, have been friends, and the past few months we have been really close.
Just to mention, back in feburary after getting close she told me she wanted to stop spending time together because she wanted us to move on. One day later she called me and acted as if nothing happened. Then again in May she told me the same thing, but once again after a day she told me she missed my company and asked me to come over and ever since we have been talking every single day and night and spending so much time together. We hung out memorial day weekedn, fourth of july weekend, numerous bbq's, she cooks sometimes and invites me to eat after work, her kids love me and aske me to come over everyday. I recently got a puppy and we go for walks with her and the kids and they all love the dog.
The thing is we are only friends and she wants that to be understood. She is not a big dater, never has been one, but now she says she is looking to date if she meets someone. That hurts me a little. She tells me she cares about my feelings and doesnt want to hurt me. She has been really nice to me lately, cooking for me, going on road trips together, surprising me with little things she knows I like, talking and texting everyday, you would think we are married, lol. It seems like the more she wants to date someone the closer she gets with me. Its confusing.
It was my birthday about a week ago and she told me to come over, when I got there she and her kids had a cake for me with candles and music, they sang for me and she cooked me dinner, it was really nice. Now she wants to take me out for a show and drinks afterwards. She is working on getting a babysitter for tomorrrow night.
Now here is my question: should I try to make a move. I know it sounds crazy because she tells me she only wants to be friends and talks about dating other guys, but what do I have to lose. She was the one to ask me to date a few years ago when we first dated.
I know what most people will say, to forget her and move on. Its not easy because I work with her and live a few blocks away. I also wonder why she gets close to me like this. She doesnt use me and she does alot for me. I know she likes confidence in guys and there was a time when I wasnt overly confident but I feel alot more confident as a person nowadays. So I feel like even tho the chances arent great, it may be possible.
How should I go about this.
Thanks for advice

[banser123]

im sorry if this is long, I just need advice pretty quick because tomorrow night is when we are supposed to go out.
Thanks again for any help

[girl68]

Well you're wrong in the fact you think she isn't using you, just because she also does things for you doesn't mean she isn't using you. You're her tampon. She does these things for you because when she does them you stick around, if she didn't you wouldn't be confused and you'd ditch her. She knows this. Basically until something better comes along you will do. I think you need to make either a move get shot down accept that as closure and then set some boundries.

[banser123]

thanks for the reply.
I know it seems like that but she doesnt ask me for anything or to do anything. She just basically asks me to hang out. In the past I did so much for her, and I volunteered most of the time. Now she does things for me. its honestly a pretty good friendship. I dont see it as me being her tampon. And she doesnt keep me around until a better guy comes around because we are not dating, we are friends. And she makes sure not to lead me on. She really has been conscience of my feelings.
I just dont know if deep down she is scared of commitment, she is very emotional and doesnt have many people in her life. When we first dated she told me she was very scared that I would break her heart. She also doesnt let people into her life. But she did with me. I can be wrong, and you can be right but for some reason it seems like it can work. I dont know what to do or how to go about it.

[girl68]

It's not up to you to get her to realize she has feelings for you. If she says she doesn't and only wants to be friends respect that. Don't make a move instead if you find yourself stuck in this rut do yourself a favor and set some ground rules these will help you in the long run not be confused and get the wrong impression. And in response to those rules/ boundaries SHE needs to respect that.

[TXChris]

Banser
The fact that she has worked to involve you in her children's lives tends to tell me that she has a strong attraction to you but may be erecting some self protective barriers. What does concern me is that the kids may become very attached to you and vice versa. This is great if your relationship with the lady remains as it currently is or advances to a higher level of commitment. I hope she does not hurt them and you by suddenly backing away. What have you got to lose if you just tell her I need to know what this is all about and explain the apparent contradictions you see. Don't pressure her to advance the relationship but remember friends need to be honest with each-other. You say she is a friend. Do not grovel !!!!
Chris

[banser123]

Thank you Chris.
I agree with you about the protective barriers. I dont feel like I will get anywhere if I talk to her about the contradictions I see. We have spoken briefly about it and our suituation ends up in the same place. A friend of mine tol me that I shouldnt pay attention to what she says rather than what she does. She says she wants to date but she still is not dating and spending time with me. She is an extremely beautiful girl so I dont know why its hard for her to find a guy. I think she is struggling with the fact that she has been hurt in the past and she feels comfortable around me so that makes me think she has some kind of thought about us being together. But yes I do not pressure her at all. I let her know how I feel about her but I havent mentioned us dating in over a year. I just want to go out with her tonight and want both of us to have fun and be relaxed. Although we have spent so much time together its normally with the kids or just the two of us having lunch or going for a walk. This is the first time we will be out alone at night having dinner and drinks so I just dont know if I should be agressive and try to hold her or kiss her, or should I just be myself and just flirt with her and compliment her.
Thanks again for any ideas or advice

[doesntcompute]

Move on with this one, is the best and most honest advice I can tell you.

[kitkitkitty]

when you say that she's not using you cos she doesn't ask for anything in return, she is... just on an emotional level which is normally worse. she's involving you in every aspect of your life. she knows you have feelings for her yet she still carries on and doesn't seem to respect the fact that SHE should be giving YOU space to clear your thoughts. you're so involved so you're not gona be thinking straight so you need to take our advice. i think you need to calm down on the seeing her all the time. how many times when she's asked you over have you said 'actually i'm already busy with mates, another time though'? you're making this woman, who hasn't reciprocated these feelings for you, the centre of your life and it's unhealthy for all of you.

[banser123]

Im sure your right. But me being the "fool" in love seems to think that something good can happen. Like I said, I have to see her everyday at work, and we live so close. Its very very difficult to walk away, althought I know thats what everyone says to do.
I just dont understand. she has tried to give me my space a few times, but we end up getting close again. I know she is not looking to hurt me, and she cares about my feelings.
If we end up going out tonight I just want us want us to have a good time. I dont have any expecations, but I do hope a positive comes out of it

[kitkitkitty]

hope you have a great time but don't expect anything else, you'll only be more let down. if you work together and live close you're bound to see each other quite a lot anyway. id say cut down on the additional time together, its not like you'll never see her again. if she wants whats best for you, she'll understand and help you to stick to this.

[banser123]

Well we went out. We went to a show then for dinner and drinks. She dressed casual but very nice, and the restraint was kind of romantic. We sat along the water with a beautiful view of the city.
I didn't bring up anything about us dating and I didn't make a move. Things ran later than expected so we didn't have a chance to go to a bar afterwards.
My brother was watching her kids at my place while we were out. We got home late so I told her that they could sleep over and I would bring them home in the morning. She appreciated that and the kids loved it. She told me she had a nice time and gave me a big hug goodbye.
I'm in love with her but I know the situation that I'm in. I realize that I can't force her to love me. That's why I don't talk about it with her. I just wish she realized that we could have something special together
I know the odds are not in my favor but I would give or do anything for us to be together. The kids love and look up to me and I care about them too.
Sorry to vent. I just am in a tough situation

[Sudohnim]

Hi Banser
You are indeed in a tough situation. But as I see it, you have two choices and trust me, both are choices. You can either accept how it is and be the man in this girl's life without actually being HER man ... or... you can accept it is never going to happen and move on. You have already stated you can't really do either - but your head and heart are pushing you to make a decision within yourself and to accept it. I don't think down the line, things will change and she will suddenly realise she loves you. I don't think this will happen. But please be mindful, you do already have a very valuable place in her life and in the life of her children. You need to ensure that you protect yourself though. At the moment, I can only see one person getting hurt in this... and that's you.

[banser123]

you may be right, like I said i feel the odds are not very good. But I just dont understand why situations like this almost never end up on a positive note. Is there anyone out there that has a story of a similar situation where the girl ends up seeing what a great guy they can have and actually goes for it. I know this sounds like I am reaching but it would be nice to see it happen once in a while.
I know what I have to do its just a matter of doing it. Its just sad because her kids see me as a dad, they say that to me. We bonded and we all have such a ggod relationship togrther I just cant help to think that she sees this and has to know its a good thing

[lovefool87]

You are her 'emotional' friend with benefits. Instead of using your body, she is using your mind. This is the reversal of a man using a woman for sexual needs. So she is using you for emotional needs. Sorry