I'm Really Confused -- Need Some Help (sorta long read but need someone to analyze)

[achokshi]

So this could be a really long story but I'll try to keep it as short as possible. A little background, I'm a 17 year old male, just graduated high school, has been in a relationship for 9 months with my first ever girlfriend. Right now I am extremely confused about my feelings.

So I never ever really got girls up until this one girl really liked me. It was exciting cause I never had someone really like me before, especially a pretty girl that I've always dreamt about. So after being in a relationship for about 4 months I broke up with her because I thought I could get other girls (confidence was soaring). A week later, at this dance, I failed miserably and my confidence was shot, until she showed up at the dance and we hooked up again. From then on I adored her and started to legitimately feel love for her. We had a great 5 months later, besides the fact that I lost about all my friends because I made this girl my life (although I never really enjoyed my life with those friends) so I was glad she took me away from them in a way. Everyday I'd see her, and she'd constantly be on my mind. Now during the summer she went away for the weekend and I ended up cheating on her (just making out) and thought I could keep it from her, but I broke down the next day at work and had to call her.

She was extremely upset and hurt, but forgave me immediately. Before this I NEVER EVER wanted to hurt her or lose her and always talked about the future with her. After a week of the cheating I felt like things were sort of awkward, that she didn't feel the same way about me. However, that was untrue, and I slipped into a depression for about 2 weeks and thought she didn't love me anymore even though she forgave me. Now (about a month after the cheating), my entire perception of her has changed. I feel as if our relationship is never going to be the same again, as I feel unattracted to her physically and emotionally. There is absolutely no reason for this and it is almost like a 360 I just turned. My memories I have with her seem tainted, as I am disgusted anytime I think about her and any great memories we ever had just seem like there's a black cloud over them. I haven't felt like myself for this past month and it frustrates me everytime I look at her because I feel nothing. This girl has almost every quality I would ever want in a future mate (beautiful, loyal, extremely honest, really easy to talk to, and most of all, can make me laugh instantly).

However, I can't see her as beautiful or funny right now and it makes me depressed because it isn't fair to her; she is legitmately beatufiul and always makes me laugh even when I don't want to. She's done nothing but good for me and I don't understand how my feelings immediately changed for the worse. I told her we needed a break and I missed her (or maybe even the thought of a girlfriend or someone close to talk to) and it only lasted a day - I had to see her. My days are fine when I'm without her but I still feel an emptiness. I'm seeing a therapist right now and he says I have anxiety, and that my girlfriend is my foundation so I don't want to lose her. Last night we went to the movies and I really did feel good about everything, but as soon as I leave her I start questioning everything. It feels as if I'm trying my hardest subconsciously to get rid of her and never look back because it is so frustrating to stay. But I KNOW that our relationship was great before (the only times we would fight is when I'd see her having a conversation with another guy or something cause I am insanely insecure; now, I could careless if she flirts with another guy or something).

She says she isn't going anywhere and wants to be with me forever, but sometimes I just want to push her away. I look at other girls now and feel as if they are so much prettier than my girlfriend (when I seriously know it's not true, I've always been physically into this relationship), and all I want to do is have sex with all these other girls, because I feel like I can't feel love for them or anyone really. I'm afraid because in 2 weeks we are going off to different colleges and I feel so unconnected from my girlfriend, the distance is just going to make things worse (or so I feel like). She deserves better and refuses to break up because she says she KNOWS that deep inside of me there is the real me; that we had an amazing relationship before the cheating occurred and my mind took a turn for the worse (I don't know what happened, but something clicked). I believe this also but I just lose hope some days. Is there anyone out there that has any advice for me? She's my first for a LOT of things (sex, love, girlfriend) and could it be that I just don't want to let that go? Has anyone felt repulsed by someone they knew they loved but didn't know why? It doesn't make sense, things are fine when I'm with her and when I talk to her, but being without her makes me feel so distant and as if our relationship won't get back to the level it was about a month ago. I'm fighting as hard as I can because she's been so amazing to me and I know that I've loved her unconditionally for about the past 5 months. I wake up every morning depressed and feel doomed, but it gets better as the day goes on. Thank you for ANY responses ahead of time, it was a long read I apologize.

[adam95]

well, i think its unfair to her. you did after all cheat on her, you cant expect her to be the same. i'm assuming she's also 17 or 18, makes her quite matured for her age.
no offense man but you should let her go. she's too good for you. you're still young and you want to experience new things, be with more girls. its not fair to her if you cant feel for her the way she feels for you. it's prbably just harder to let her go cause, as you said, she's your first in a lot of things. but just take this as a learning experience and let her go. she might be devastated at first but later in time you'l both realize that it was the right thing to do.
hope i can help you out more.

[achokshi]

Thanks for the answer adam. It is TOTALLY unfair to her. Which is why I've tried to let her go but she just won't go. She IS the same, the problem lies within the fact that I am NOT, and it's worse because I can't figure out why.You are right, that I should just take it as a learning experience and this is what I plan to do, because right now things seem hopeless. But for her I just want to try and fight it and see if I can feel better about everything. I'm not sure what clicked or what but I just feel like I lost her even though she's there. It sucks because I feel depressed everytime I think about her and the past nine months have been the greatest of my life. I feel like there is no reason for me to let that go. I have confusing feelings, and I really think the biggest reason I am not letting her go and giving up on us is because it literally makes absolutely no sense for me to feel this way and I'm just trying to figure it all out. It is so easy to just let her go and never turn my back but it feels so wrong that way considering she's such a sweetheart and my perception of her is making it seem like she's a repulsive animal of a girl. I hope that if I do let her go, however, that I can go off to college and be a happy man and just realize how big of a mistake I have made knowing I let this girl get away, she really is a keeper (or was pre-cheating).

[kitkitkitty]

you're not disgusted at her... you're disgusted with yourself for cheating and see it reflected in the person you supposedly love the most. if you say somethings clicked then i doubt you'll be able to change it. everything happens for a reason... you're gona be further apart than usual, you're not feeling the same with her, you see things as tainted... you've already hurt her enough you need to let her go.

[nerdy_guy]

She says she isn't going anywhere and wants to be with me forever

refuses to break up because she says she KNOWS that deep inside of me there is the real me

She's watching too much TV.

Sooner or later, those bad things that happened in your relationship will start to eat the both of you up inside and you'll feel far more regret than if you breakup now. Holding on to things won't make it any better, especially if you're going to separate college, and live a more distant life to each other. There is still time to just be friends and be there for each other. There are no bitterness between the both of you, just a loss of feelings, so there's no need to aggravate the situation. I'd rather salvage what's left of it, pick up the pieces and move on.

[lovefool87]

I was the girl in this predicament. I never understood why my ex-boyfriend treated me the way he did but it was the same as what you said. He always told me he felt smothered, then ONE day apart and hes calling and texting and sending me some mixed signals. Although this was 5 years ago, and we also met at 17, the emotional consequences I suffered were horrific because he never would let me go. If you love this girl, you will let her kind a man that can love her back instead of putting her through years of therapy.

[adam95]

its no reason to stay with her just cause she's a really good person. for example, gold is really beautiful and expensive but if you prefer silver then no matter what you do to the gold, design it, reduce the price, you still wont want it. i know its a lame metaphor but i hope you get what i mean. explain it to her the way you do here. tell her its not fair to her that you dont feel the same way and she deserves better.

[lanana.banana]

let her go. your hurting her by behaving this way, don't screw her up she sounds like shes a gem.
leave her, go to college. date other girls. get out of this deep hole you've dug yourself.
in future. dont cheat, cos obviously you have a huge conscience, and it wont let you get away with it.