Am I a sex addict??

[quiXilver]

I think not, but here's my issue. I have had this wonderful girlfriend for about a year and a half now. She is great in so many ways. She is beautiful, has a great body, never bitches at me, doesn't go crazy, is very faithful, she can be happy just chilling at the house watching a movie or TV, I cook, she cleans, the list goes on and on. There is just one problem...she's just not that in to sex...and I am.

She also isn't very...affectionate I guess you could say. PDA just doesn't exist in her vocab, let alone too much affection even behind closed doors. I know this is weird, but I just happen to be one of those guys that cares about that stuff. I want to be hugged, kissed for no reason, told that I'm loved out of the blue. Having little things done for me for no reason other than because you want to see a smile on my face...because I am the same way. I have always gone over and above, flowers, gifts, candlelit foot and back massages, and I cook for her about 5 nights a week. I feel like she just takes me for granted...even though I know it's not true. She does drive to my house 5 nights a week to see me, but her point of view is "she wouldn't be here if she didn't care". Well that's fine, but you just "showing up" isn't what I want out of a girlfriend. I want you to ACT like your my girlfriend when you are here. Anyway...I'm rambling.

Basically I always have to do ALL the initiation when it comes to sex. I could be happy having sex every time we are alone together. (4 nights out of the week.) She has plain out told me that sex to her isn't a big deal, and she thinks I make a big deal out of it. The only time she initiates is when she is drunk. I know that sounds bad, but she 180's when she is intoxicated. She's all over me, and always initiates sex. I have come to reason with her and I would be happy with minimum 2 times a week, but I feel I have to struggle for that. Ok, so I get one drunken sex night where she might not even remember it, and then I have to force her to another time (if I get lucky) and then I feel bad, and usually the mood isn't right for her so it's basically not that great for me either.

We've had talks about it, but I feel she NEVER sees it from my side. I just don't want to bang anything that moves. I want her and only her. She is awesome and I love her to death and I embrace our passionate times together...I just want a little more of them...and not feel like an ass every time I want to and she "isn't in the mood". I don't want to break up with her, I think she could easily be the one, because this is literally the ONLY issue I have, and yes, I know it's a big one..but if I can find a way that maybe she could just work with me a little bit and not take sex so seriously, that we could have something amazing.

Any help/advice greatly appreciated. Thanks for taking the time to read my post.

[Mish]

Sounds like you have a higher sex drive than her, if that's the case then your relationship will be difficult

[TXChris]

Just guessing but the fact you say she is completely different when she is intoxicated tells me that her sexual inhibition may reflect either some very bad sexually related trauma and/or an extremely strict and sexually repressed upbringing. What do you know about her background? Usually this is a subconscious and sometimes conscious way of enjoying sex without the guilt ie I'm not responsible..I was drunk. Overall she sounds like one Hell of a lady. Hold onto her, be patient and not demanding. But encourage her to talk about her upbringing if you don't know

[hurt_confuzd]

Chloroform.

[kitkitkitty]

you're not the sex addict, she's the one who wants it less.

[adam95]

considering shes all crazy about you when shes drunk, shes probably just holding back a little. a year and a half isnt a long time.
but some people are generally less affectionate. my gf isn't the type to just kiss me out of the blue or say i love you at random unexpected moments. i , however do it quite often and i expect the same in return. i also cook, do massages etc just like you and sometimes i feel quite under-appreciated. i talked to her about it and for a while she'll feel bad and be all lovey but after a day or so, it will just go back to normal. its just her character and i cant change it.
explain to your gf that sex is a part of a relationship, its a way of showing how much you love each other. it isn't all fun and games.

[quiXilver]

Just guessing but the fact you say she is completely different when she is intoxicated tells me that her sexual inhibition may reflect either some very bad sexually related trauma and/or an extremely strict and sexually repressed upbringing. What do you know about her background? Usually this is a subconscious and sometimes conscious way of enjoying sex without the guilt ie I'm not responsible..I was drunk. Overall she sounds like one Hell of a lady. Hold onto her, be patient and not demanding. But encourage her to talk about her upbringing if you don't know

Yea, she did grow up where sex was prohibited until marriage. Her mom drilled it in to her...basically she was going to hell if she didn't wait kinda thing. She also didn't have sex until she was almost 22. We are 27 now. Her mom wouldn't let her go anywhere where there was gonna be boys etc. etc. I'm sure that has a lot to do with it. She said she never experienced any sexual trauma growing up, but her dad did leave her mom literally for not being able to produce a boy. He popped out 3 girls, dipped out on the family and got an Asian mail order bride and popped out a boy. So I'm sure there is some repression on completely trusting a man. Trust me, I had to work on her big time in the beginning to even want to be (in a relationship) with me. Also, 4 months before we got together she got out of her horrible relationship with her first partner of 4 years and they were gonna get married etc, he was cheating on her and treating her like crap for the last 2 years of the relationship, but she stayed with him because she thought that was the best she's gonna get etc.. so when we got together she told me flat out that she didn't want to get attached. Well I wasn't having that, cause I could see how awesome of a girl she was. She's been getting a lot better about everything though. I just can't stand rejection. I feel so disappointed when she doesn't want to do it..and it frustrates me how nonchalant she is about it. She could really care less about sex and I think that's what bothers me the most. Did I also mention that when she is in the mood, she can get off in literally like 1 minute flat. So how great is that?

I donno...I don't want to lose her, I just want her to physically love me more...

[Gigabitch]

There's hope for her. She just has some issues.

Just how drunk does she have to be to initiate sex? It sounds like blackout drunk. That's not good. Perhaps you could try to show her how to drink more reasonably and cuddle with her on the couch, not initiating sex, a few nights a week, letting her warm up to the idea of feeling pleasantly buzzed and having nice, non-threatening physical contact without pressure.

Learning how to seek out affection from you might take her a long time. Her parents ****ed her up, but the fact that she gets all crazy and throws herself at you when she's drunk tells me that she still has needs.