Alright... although nobody answered my last post, I still decided to continue expanding this thread-- even if there's no further discussion growing here, maybe SOME guy in a similar situation will see himself in my shoes and then can learn from this. Furthermore, I'd like to keep this thread going as some sort of personal journal. That might sound pathetic for some of you, but over the years stuff like that helped me a lot in terms of handling my feelings.

So, another three weeks passed after her last bail out. Just to give you a quick recap: It was me who cancelled our last scheduled date after she seemed overly defensive again, I simply couldn't take this on-and-off bullshit any longer.

Well, it didn't even take her a week to try to get in touch with me again. She sent me an email (yeah, how wonderfully personal). I simply ignored it. Not to mess with her head, but to protect me. I had said everything that needed to be said, I left no room for ambiguities, so there was no need to react to something like "I miss you"-- because that was all she said in her email. Another two or three days later, she sent another email. I was about to ignore that one as well, but she was basically BEGGING me to call her. Something along the lines of "I feel absolutely miserable about what I'm constantly doing to you, I don't even know if you still want to talk to me, but please give me a ring, I miss you".

Yeah, you don't need to ask, of course I called her that same day. She was happy to hear my voice, but she didn't want to talk about our "issues" over the phone. That's fine with me, I said, but I made it clear that having contact over the phone is NOT what I want. Surprisingly, we were on the same page regarding that point. So we set up a date for the weekend. I picked her up and we went out for dinner. You know, the candle-light-stuff type of dinner. Anyway, it was a blast, we had a great time. I could tell from her eyes instantly that she missed me big time. So I didn't take long for us to start making out inbetween courses, and after dinner we we're strolling around hand in hand. It FELT like something changed. After a couple of hours we ended up at my place, making out heavily and then -- at some point -- she put the stop sign in front of my head. So, just to get this straight, the various theories about me being to indecisive about sex and stuff can be finally put to rest. I wasn't complaining, because I have no problem with taking it slow. I mean... I lover her. No need to rush anything or get my ego pushed.

Well... after that night I expected her to run away again. Usually that's what she does after such an emotional eruption. To my surprise, that's NOT what she did. Instead, we met up during the week (on her proposal!) to have dinner with her parents. Afterwards we we're walking the dog together, and suddenly she felt the need to talk about "us" again. She started kissing me heavily and repeatedly said how awesome that felt, the whole thing, me being with her parents and just being part of the family and stuff, and that she was so unbelievably stupid over the last years by not letting happen what just seemed to be destined. Yeah, big words, big actions... it all came together that night. ALMOST.

Not only did she verbalize again what she felt for me ("I doubt it can ever get better... I don't think I'll ever meet a man again that means as much to me as you do" and all that crap), she literally couldn't take her hands off of me, telling me how attracted she feels to me and that there was no doubt that she knows what she wants by now. And again, after all the talk we we're getting intimate, but before the actual intercourse she said "stop". She told me she needed more time, but that's alright with me, as long as it's just a matter of time...

Yeah, and now I'm sitting here, and my intuition is telling me that our date scheduled for tomorrow is not going to happen. Like I said previously, I know her, and I know how she responds to pressuring situations. I'm not saying I pressured her, but I feel SHE is pressuring herself into something like "I need to sleep with him already, or he'll run away eventually for he believes I'm out of my mind"-- believe me, it's stuff like that's going through her mind and making her behave like a 30-year-old 15-year-old from time to time.

With all that said, I don't feel bad. I know her feelings for me are unique and sincere, but that doesn't really help me RIGHT NOW. I just don't understand why some people have to overcomplicate things to an extend that's just unreal. What else is there to say? I love her, she claims to love me, we both know that we'll probably never ever run into somebody else again that makes such a perfect match (and we're both 30 years old), so what is her ****ing problem?! You know, I wouldn't ask that question if I knew the answer-- according to her, not even she knows it. It seems like she's scared of having sex (or getting "more serious") with someone she's fallen for anyway. To me, that doesn't make sense...


PS: Yeah, like a said, a "personal journal"-- I hope at least some of you can learn from this: If you like suffering... hang in there. Eventually, you'll see what it was all good for. If not... then you made a lifetime experience.