Love Is A Mother****er [GIGANTIC RANT]

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First off, don't feel offended by that thread title. I know most of you people believe in love, and there was a time when I felt the same way. But that's long gone, and all that's left is the following story. A monumental fail, something I can hardly describe, and that's not due to my native lack of the English language. All I'd like to do is share my experience and maybe help some of you to avoid similar situations. This is going to be a long read, so don't complain, you have been warned.

In case the thread title sounds familiar, then you've probably seen "Old School", a brilliant flick for people of my age. I've learned a lot about women in roughly 30 years on this planet, but in the end it can all be reduced to this simple, yet deep and thoughtful quote: "Love Is A Mother****er". I don't feel good writing this. Actually, as you can probably tell from the way I write, I'm in a more depressing phase of my life right now.

You know, back in the days, when making out with a random girl would make you feel good for weeks, I wouldn't have this kind of problem. I wouldn't ask myself these kind of "what is it all good for?" and "that's supposed to be it?" type of questions. I may sound pathetic right now, yeah, I'm aware of that. But that's the way I feel. It's real bitter irony that, finally, after a lot of unsatisfactory relationships in the past, I've come to the conclusion that the greater you love someone and the more sacrifices you make over time, the more you'll get kicked in the balls by that exact somebody. And, this tops it off just phantastically, this somebody doesn't even do it on purpose. It's a systematic failure. This whole construct of love means nothing. It's a word. Just a word. Nothing more, nothing less. And when you think you feel it, all you do is slowly think youself into something that, albeit non-existing, will easily make you suffer for the better parts of your life.

Guys, if you're idealists, stop reading. Go out, enjoy your life, and hope for the best. But reading on will probably destroy or at least tarnish some of your high hopes and dreams.

Now, for you to understand where I'm coming from exactly, you need some more background information. I'll fill you in as quick as possible, but like I said, this is going to be a long read.

So there was this one particular woman when I was about 18 years old or so. I met her at a party, and we clicked right away, you know, the whole nine yards. I was instantly fascinated by her, and it seemed (note: it SEEMED) to be mutual. Unfortunately, I had a girlfriend by that time, and since I'm not a cheat, I didn't push as hard as I could have. Anyway, I lost touch with that girl because I didn't ask for her number. Most notably because my girlfriend at that time was a huge control freak, so keeping in touch with attractive women was totally out of the question by that time. But a couple of months later, after I had split up with my girlfriend, I tried to give it a shot. After some detours to acquire her phone number, we started to meet up.

We had a few dates here and there, and you could literally sense there's something about to happen, but it never did. In retrospect I have to admit I was a total wuss at that time. I mean, come on, I was around 20 years old and I had sex with two women. So I'm not going to sugar-coat it, it got ugly. She was giving me obvious signs of interest, and I was dealing with it like a ****ing girl. I tell you, absolutely embarrassing. I think the closest I got to having sex with her was hugging her for a goodbye. With that said, I became her girlfriend. Today I'm seeing this from an ironic point of view: It was really awesome! I couldn't ask for more! I mean, look at it, you get the biggest insight into a girl's head that you can ever get: She tells you what she likes and dislikes, she tells you what's bothering her, and she tells you which type of man she likes (which, of course, doesn't apply to your projection of a man at all). Well, I don't think I need to elaborate on this, you get the point, it was just pathetic. Bottom line: I was her emotional tampon, but I liked it. Because, and that was a big mistake, I thought I'd lose her by not staying compliant to this whole friendship thing.

Disgusting, seriously. Disgusting. But hey, I was young, so stop judging. I learned from it.

So, like probably most men in their early twenties, I tried to have some fun with other girls. I mean: No need to invest that much energy in a woman that's not for real anyway, right? Yeah, well, I had my fair share of women over the next decade. But, like you probably expect, I never forgot this one girl. Let's give her a name already, let's call her Gigi.

I was constantly meeting with Gigi for over ten years. This is interesting: Whenever we were in serious relationships, we lost touch with each other. This happened almost automatically each and every time. Whenever we got back in touch again, we talked about it. Our conclusion was that no partner would ever put up with the way we interact. Like I said, you could literally sense there's something in the air, it was so obvious to both of us it's not even funny, all the more it's plain crazy that we couldn't ever get anything going. Whenever I tried to pull Gigi closer to me, she pushed me away for reasons like "I need some space" which can also be translated to "I don't want more than friendship". These signals led me to believe there's nothing there for me, and that she might be using me as an occasional ego boost, nothing more. Even the dumbest guy would say goodbye then, and that's what I did. Over and over again.

Anyway, this whole on-and-off thing would never stop, and it made me go crazy. I tried to resist her whenever she tried to get in touch with me, but I couldn't. Call it love, because back then that's what I felt. For some reason, Gigi seemed to feel similar. What I'm saying is that I had no real grasp of her motivations, but just like me she was never able to handle this intimacy (although we never had sex) for longer than a couple of months. Eventually, one of us would always leave, don't return emails or calls. This may sound totally silly, but at least for me that was the only option to not go nuts completely. Whenever we split up, I was going into a serious emotional drought, not willing or able to invest any kind of feelings into any woman I met. Sex, hell yeah, no problem, but apart from that? No deeper emotional connections. This is just pitiful, and again, I feel embarrassed by writing this down.

Now, that's some crazy shit, is it not? I guess some women sense these kind of emotions. Take for example one of my ex girlfriends. She never knew a lot about Gigi, but she knew that she was special to me. At some point, don't ask me how the topic came up, she asked me if I'd rather spend the rest of my life with her or with Gigi. The sad thing is (at least for her), I didn't answer that question morally sound. I said "I'm here with you, ain't I?", but what I was really thinking was more along the lines of "yeah, I'd rather date Gigi, but you already know that, otherwise you wouldn't ask that question".

Basically, what I'm saying is, this thing NEVER stopped. Like I said... 12 years and counting...

About 18 months ago I left my last girlfriend. After about a year we finally discovered we're not on the same page: Sex was good, but besides that we didn't have a lot to grow on. She wanted to move in together, she wanted to make plans like kids and stuff, but the thought alone was scaring the crap out of me. So I decided to end it sooner rather than later. Then it took me like six months (I repeat: six months!) to send Gigi an email. I knew exactly what was coming, therefore I was hesitant to get back in touch with her, but something deep inside of me created an urge to forget about my anxieties. Yeah, so I sent this email, and it took us like twenty seconds to forget about the past and just enjoy life together. We met up almost three to four times a week, and I certainly would never do this with a woman I'm not seriously interested in. After a couple of weeks of dancing around each other, we made out for the first time.

Can you even believe that? It took us eleven years, eleven ****ing years! We were both totally blown away. We talked about it, and we both never experienced anything like that. And it's not like we hadn't had experience in that department. For both of us it was like an eruption of a volcano, I'm not a good writer, so I spare you the specifics. Just let me say that it was absolutely awesome. I didn't go for the kill that night, not just out of respect for our friendship, but because I felt that she was so extremely aroused that she didn't know what she was doing (does that even make any sense?). Still, Gigi said she was scared. She said it was about time that we've finally crossed that imaginery line, but she was still scared. Scared of what was about to come. I tried to take away her anxiety, but that didn't help. It never did.

She wouldn't want to meet for a couple of weeks. Random excuses. I knew exactly what was going on. So I gave her space. Not long after that she called me, telling me that she missed me, that she was still scared, not only of getting hurt, but also of unintentionally - but ultimately - pushing me away with her behavior. She carried on, saying that she definitely feels way more for me than she admits, and that she has a hard time verbalizing her feelings, but that there was not a single man in her life that she felt a closer connection to. She said being with me feels right, kissing me feels right, but she just can't overcome her anxieties. I said I'd give her all the time she needs. Yeah, that might have been aother mistake right there. I should have insisted on a decision. Instead, I put up with her "we can meet again and see where this goes, I really miss you" crap. Ironically, we never met again after that conversation. If you haven't figured out by now, yes, she was scared-- again. She ran away: No explanations, no nothing, not picking up my calls. I was devastated.

About a year later, with a couple of more or less meaningless affairs under my belt, I was sitting there, and thinking about Gigi again.

But finally I seemed to be heading into the right direction: My friends told me to let it go already, and usually I can trust what they're saying, so I tried to get out of this emotionally. See, Gigi was texting me, emailing me, trying to call me numerous times over the last couple of months. A couple of years back I would have jumped on these little signs of interest like a starving tiger, but I didn't. For good reasons I was hesitant. It was bothering me big time, yeah, all my close friends could tell without me saying a single word, but I didn't want to go through all this anymore. The rationale was: "I wholeheartedly love that girl, no doubt, but what is this good for if it's never going anywhere? All it's going to cause is agony..."

Unfortunately (I repeat: UNFORTUNATELY), one night I was in a real good mood, and I was waiting for a friend that was a couple of minutes late. I saw the latest missed call by Gigi, and I said to myself: "Hey, why do you want to make her feel as bad as you felt when she never called back? Are you so freaking childish?" - Consequently, I called her. You know, just to check in, just to hear what she has to say. Needless to say, after more than a year it was like we never lost touch. I could tell over the phone line that she was extremely excited, and so was I. It took us three days to arrange a date, and that's where this whole story will come to a cruel but somehow entertaining end.

If you've read that far, then I think you'll be looking for a dramatic end. Well, it's not really dramatic, or maybe it is, I don't know, you be the judge. Either way, you don't mind me throwing in some more random details just to establish some sort of tension, do you? So, here is some more general background information:

You know, regardless of this whole on-and-off stuff, our relationship (or whatever you want to call it) grew stronger as time passed by. She was opening up more and more during each cycle, at least that's what I read between the lines. I never wanted to push her, I tried to be attentive. So, the years went by, and whenever I was in a little depression phase and talking about that whole story to my friends, they were telling me "you're ****ing crazy, she doesn't give a shit about you" and all that. But then I remembered how meeting Gigi was like: Whenever we were together, I sensed this special aura, and she always thought the same way. I don't know, maybe there is this special connection between the two of us, I don't know if anything like this exists. But even if it does, and now listen up, even if it does, that doesn't mean shit! Seriously, you'll see when I'm through with describing our laste date.

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So, we decided to go out for dinner. I picked Gigi up at home. She was giving me a few compliments right away, I could instantly tell she was very happy to see me. So we got to that restaurant, had dinner with mostly superficial talk. We were sitting right next to each other. Then, at some point, she turned her body more into mine, opened up her body language noticably, and said: "I missed you. I missed you so much." - Nice. Thank you for pulling me back in completely! It didn't take a nanosecond, I was flattered. She said "Listen, I know you've ignored me for a good reason, but look at what I did: I was chasing you! Did you ever see me do that for a man?" - I didn't have to answer that, that in and of itself was big indicator, I can't argue with that. She went on: "I've been dating other guys, yes, but you know what? Sooner or later they were fed up with me talking about you in that sort of way." - Of course I wanted to know what she meant exactly, so she carried on: "Listen, nothing has changed. Absolutely nothing. You're so special to me, nobody ever came close to what I feel for you. I've suppressed these feelings over all those years, I really did, because I was so scared, and I still am."

You know, at this point I had mixed feelings. I was happy she would finally be honest to herself about all this, but then I was pissed because there was this anxienty element once again. Why the **** do you even want to see me if you don't want this to go anywhere. That's not what I answered exactly, but she got the point. She took my hand. I was hesitant. I was like "What is this? You know that's no good for me." - "Yes it is." - She leaned in and kissed me. It was a very intense kiss, it lasted for quite a while. That was great, yes, but now what? She elaborated: "Like I said, nothing has changed. I could never stop thinking about you. And when we kissed for the first time, that just felt so right, you know? And it still does. I just can't make a decision." - I was confused. Now it's not general anxiety but unwilligness to make a decision? I said "there is no decision to make, you do want you want to do". Again, we kissed each other.

These are the moments I will never forget in my life. Then again, likewise I won't ever forget the pain afterwards. Because we're not through completely.

After making out in front of like 50 people (and I repeat: it's not like we're teenagers, we're both 30 years old) for a couple of minutes, she looked at me with her sparkling eyes: "I know what I want now. I really do. I want you. [PAUSE] I love you." - I was stunned. What did she just say? I didn't answer anything back. She said: "I love you. I always have. I've been suppressing that for years, and I never had the guts to tell you." - Sounds like a grand slam, doesn't it?

We got back to her place, but I spare you further romantic details. The whole evening was, well, the best time we ever had. I lack the words to describe that, so I'll leave it at that. Again, I didn't sleep with her that night. We had some wine, and I didn't want to take advantage of her. Also, my gut gently told me what was about to come. I don't know if that was a mistake, but I thought we were going in the right direction anyway. So I kissed her good night and went home.

Next morning she texts me that she feels sorry, but it would be the same procedure as always: She is scared to death, and she can't talk right now, we could talk tomorrow.

In case you didn't notice: That was the biggest blow I had ever received. Seriously. I mean, somehow I knew about all the risks, but this evening just led me to believe we're finally done with this chicken shit. Guess what, we're not. She didn't call, and she didn't answer my email. I was just telling her that I was kind of worried after a couple of days of a complete no-show, but no response. I KNOW what that means, or at least my brain tells my body what that means, but I'm going crazy.

Now that's it. No happy ending. Nothing. Just pain.

I admit I used this post to rant quite a bit, but I also want to draw some conclusions, and maybe some of you can learn from them:


1st: Don't ever, I repeat, DON'T EVER get emotionally involved too much with a girl that tells you she is scared of something serious although you're doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING wrong. It's either there or it's not, long-lasting build ups of trust don't mean shit, stick to that and you'll save yourself A LOT of pain. Furthermore, too much comfort is a bad thing, you shouldn't ever forget that. It sounds insane, but there seem to be some people that are TOO scared of being with the ones they love because they are the ones that can hurt them the most. IDIOTIC! But you should keep it in mind.

2nd: Actions speak louder than words. This is absolutely mandatory. You can have the deepest friendship or emotional connection that's ever imagineable, and words still don't mean shit. They might, for a split-second, for one very moment, but as soon as our self-inflicted security alarms start screaming, all those words are what they were in the first place: Nothing but words.

3rd: Love does more harm than good, therefore, DON'T FALL IN LOVE. I mean, love is a great thing, no question, for example I love my mother, I love my friends, and I love myself. But this construct of romantic love is a very dangerous thing. Be careful. Don't invest too much. Do yourself a favor and get out of similar situations, because in the end, you'll be looking back at many years of... well... of what actually? I don't know.

4th: Don't be too attentive and careful! If you have the feeling your girl wants sex, give it to her. NEVER EVER wait for a more suitable moment. BANG HER! See, that's not what I think actually, but it is what might prevent a disaster I'm going through right now. After all I've told you, don't you think sex would have been some sort of bond beyond what we had already? Yeah, no further questions.



PS: I'll bet not even a single person makes it up to this line without getting bored, but you know, I needed that. Thanks for listening.

[Gigabitch]

I read the whole thing.

I feel sorry for her. She kept putting herself out there and never got any dick. Poor girl.

[Raze]

This is how I get when I'm single. xD

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I read the whole thing.

I feel sorry for her. She kept putting herself out there and never got any dick. Poor girl.

Funny, but I have to respect a woman's perspective here.

You know, if you want to reduce something like that to "getting dick", then yes, I failed miserably.

But, and this a man's perspective, did it ever occur to you that men can be scared, too?

Like I said, my gut feeling told me this would happen eversince she popped the three magic words. This was just too good to be true, and who else should be able to predict her behavior if not me? After all, it seems like my gut was right.

By the way, when she got up in the morning after that last night, she texted me right away how wonderful it all was. I guess she started "rationalizing" after getting up, well, an then it happened. I COULD be wrong, but I still don't think you can blame this whole outcome on the no sex part. So, this is an honest question, to a woman that read the whole text: Do you really think that's it? Seriously?

Anyway, I needed to summarize it all to somehow get over it. As of now, I'm afraid it's not working. As for her disappearing indefinitely again... believe me, that's brutal, and in that regard even you should concede that having a pair of balls doesn't help.

But who cares... a lot of other people suffering way worse than I am.

That said, thanks for reading that crap at all.

[lovefool87]

I didn't read it. I just wanted to say thanks for the autobiography, and you need a hobby!

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I didn't read it. I just wanted to say thanks for the autobiography, and you need a hobby!

Usually I like people making sharp-tongued remarks.

Still, I never feel the need to piss on somebody's experience. But hey, that's just me.

All the best to you.

[lovefool87]

Ever consider blogging?

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Ever consider blogging?

Give it a rest already.

I tried to point out that this was really bothering me.

I don't want to argue, you made your point, I'm not dumb.

[Gigabitch]

I think from her perspective, it looks like you're not really into it. Sure you have this connection, but if I were in her shoes, I'd still feel rejected, regardless of how much logical sense it makes.

You two keep trying to protect yourselves so much. It's retarded. Don't you know you can't really hide from heartbreak? Jump in with both feet, for God's sake. You've been circling the pool for years.

[IndiReloaded]

I skimmed it. I feel bad for both of you. You would think that with two people involved, one of them would find the courage (or intellect) to figure out how to break the barrier you two have created. Double your chances, and all that.

You must both be rather emotionally damaged. Neither of you know the path. Oh well, better luck in another 10 years.

I think from her perspective, it looks like you're not really into it.

Yes, this^. Definitely. A bit too much detachment that is working against you, either to finally 'get the girl' or get closure. Really, either would be fine for you at this point, I think.

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I think from her perspective, it looks like you're not really into it. Sure you have this connection, but if I were in her shoes, I'd still feel rejected, regardless of how much logical sense it makes.

You two keep trying to protect yourselves so much. It's retarded. Don't you know you can't really hide from heartbreak? Jump in with both feet, for God's sake. You've been circling the pool for years.

Now that seems to be something I can work with. I understand where you're coming from, and I never expected guy logic to work with chicks. Anyway, I thought we already passed that logical part.

Granted, it IS retarded. But that's what I said right away, although I used the word "pathetic". I know I'm no better than she is in terms of acting completely stupid when it counts, but I'm trying to improve.

In the end, I still don't know what I can do. Wait for her to call me? Great. Like back in the days... wonderful.

But I don't want to complain, don't get me wrong. I'm just sad, that's all.

[IndiReloaded]

Since you are reasonably sure she returns your strong feelings, I think you should call her. Book an entire evening (or weekend, even better) and tell her upfront that you want to spend the time sorting out your situation once and for good. Make the only rule be complete honesty with each other. At the end of the time, decide to carry forward as a couple, friends or to say goodbye and never see each other again. But you need to get her completely onboard about the purpose of your meeting. Make sure you both agree there are no pre-conditions to your time together except this.

I'm a woman, btw. So if this seems too mannish a solution, you can believe that at least some women would appreciate it.

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Since you are reasonably sure she returns your strong feelings, I think you should call her. Book an entire evening (or weekend, even better) and tell her upfront that you want to spend the time sorting out your situation once and for good. Make the only rule be complete honesty with each other. At the end of the time, decide to carry forward as a couple, friends or to say goodbye and never see each other again. But you need to get her completely onboard about the purpose of your meeting. Make sure you both agree there are no pre-conditions to your time together except this.

I'm a woman, btw. So if this seems too mannish a solution, you can believe that at least some women would appreciate it.

That sounds like a good idea. I never thought of pressuring her in any sort of way, but given the circumstances, why not sort it out for good.

And you're right, for that to work I need her to be on board 100%. That might be tricky, but I never said it would be easy.

Thanks for your advice!

[IndiReloaded]

Good luck, man. It takes balls to do what you're about to.

But, given your post, I'd say you're well past the point of pussy-footing around anymore. Its really what Giga said: time to dive in the pool. If she can't swim, then you need to find a new fish.

Here, LOL, I had forgotten all about this song until this thread: