He Wants a Modest Girl - Even in the bedroom?

[749815]

Hello all;

I'm extremely confused, and I was wondering if any of you could shed any light - similar experiences, similar attitudes, etc.

To give you a bit of background:
I've been seeing my boyfriend for somewhere in the neighborhood of 6 or 7 months (we'd been friends for over a year before we became romantic). I'm no stranger to relationships - my previous relationships were 5.5 years and 2 years. I also don't sleep around; I've only had sex with 3 people (including him), and each one of those was in the context of a serious relationship. So the sum up is, I really like this guy, and I'm no tramp.

The problem is with our sex life. I consider myself extremely modest outside of the bedroom. I dress modestly, I don't really flirt or need attention; I'm a one man kind of girl. Even inside of the bedroom I'm a slow starter - it can take a year for me to reach full comfort levels. However, once I'm comfortable, I'm not what I would call "modest" in the bedroom with my man. I love sexy lingerie, dirty talk, almost cocky confidence, am open-minded as far as roughness, positions, role play, even photographs etc. All these things make me feel sexy and confident that I can arouse my man, and that he is extremely attracted to me.

Up until now, we have been extremely and completely compatible. Our sex life has been solid. We have sex or equivalent at least everytime we see each other - if not a couple times. We sleep together naked. The cuddling is awesome. He calls me "cute" and "sexy" and raves about my bj technique.

As good as it is, our sex life is nothing remotely close to spicey or comfortable for me; however, I've reached the point where I am starting to get comfortable. That means bringing up things like my sexy lingerie drawer, photo shoots, talking in bed more, etc - but he has not been as receptive as my ex's were in the past. He flat out told me "some things are better in your head" when I mentioned photos. Though I was slightly hurt that my lover didn't want photos of me (maybe he just thinks I'm that unattractive was my first thought - irrational as it was), I said nothing more about it because it's not that important to me. Also I'd been hinting about my lingerie drawer, and finally today we had this conversation:

Him: "I don't really like lingerie"
Me: *surprised!* "Oh! Why not?"
Him: "I like modest girls."
Me: "...Even with you?"
Him: "Yes"

Remember, I am not a slut. I don't show skin in public; I am my man's alone. But with my man, I am still a sexual creature. Now I'm not attached to lingerie or photos or anything in particular, but I'm starting to feel a trend towards a stagnant sex-life where I neither feel attractive or comfortable or confident or sexy (because my man doesn't want any of the things I'm used to men who find me attractive wanting). Also, I'm starting to get a complex about communicating with him - afraid that he's going to think I'm some sort of freak. For example, I don't even want to tell him my festish, which is that I like a spanking here and there if/when sex gets intense.

What do you all think? Have you experience anything like this? Have you felt things like this? Other than this, we click so well. So I would like some advice on how to communicate with him, or how to find my own comfortable place within his realm. Keeping my confidence and my mind at ease.

[Gigabitch]

He's probably thinking about the fact that there are two other guys running around with nakey pics of you.

[girl68]

Yes, I have. It was boring as hell. Stuck it out for 4 years... I'm not going to supress my sluttly urges for some man. Sexual compatibility is either yes or no.

[749815]

He's probably thinking about the fact that there are two other guys running around with nakey pics of you.

You could be completely right - honestly there's nothing else to really say to that. Those other two relationships were serious, and even if naked pictures didn't come out of them (and I don't do naked pictures btw - just spicey pictures), the main point is love sure did.

So in that case, I suppose all that I can do is what any person who has loved before has to do. Reassure that man daily that he is wonderful, and I do not miss either of them.

But I'm not sure if that will solve the sexual communication issues - hopefully it's repairable. Something that is "get-overable" for lack of a better word.

[749815]

Yes, I have. It was boring as hell. Stuck it out for 4 years... I'm not going to supress my sluttly urges for some man. Sexual compatibility is either yes or no.

You ever figure out why he was so repressed in bed? Also, did you ever try to talk to him about it? What did he say?

And while I do have some "urges" that I think he would try to satisfy if I got the balls to talk to him about it (he's told me he likes rough sex for example), I don't particularly need any of this stuff specifically. I just need to feel attractive and wanted. And right now I don't.

[QueenofCorona]

I'd try to **** with him a little. Come to bed wearing some long johns, an old lady night gown, or those one piece toddler jammies that have the feet attached and be all, "I KNOW you want a piece of this."

[girl68]

You ever figure out why he was so repressed in bed? Also, did you ever try to talk to him about it? What did he say?

And while I do have some "urges" that I think he would try to satisfy if I got the balls to talk to him about it (he's told me he likes rough sex for example), I don't particularly need any of this stuff specifically. I just need to feel attractive and wanted. And right now I don't.

Yes, I did find out.. well I learned... that it was just personality. Missionary once a week was more than enough. He wasn't into kinky things, trying new things, (except anal and that's the one thing that doesn't fly with me), fun blowjobs, roleplaying- nothing.

We talked the subject into the ground. I asked him if he wanted to he said "not really, just not my thing." That was his response to everything. When I expressed my desires he said "he'd try them" but never did.

These things took a toll on my confidence. Eventaully I'd had enough a dumped him.

[Mish]

Even inside of the bedroom I'm a slow starter - it can take a year for me to reach full comfort levels. However, once I'm comfortable, I'm not what I would call "modest" in the bedroom with my man. I love sexy lingerie, dirty talk, almost cocky confidence, am open-minded as far as roughness, positions, role play, even photographs etc.

It sounds like he's not used to that side of you. He liked the "slow starter, modest you" and the other you has probably caught him by surprise. And can you really blame him? Could you yourself adjust to a person who starts acting very different to the way they were in the beginning of the relationship? I think it could be the case of him just not being interested in all of these other things that you are starting to open up to him, how big of a problem is it for you if he isn't?

[IndiReloaded]

Some people are plain vanilla. Others are Rocky Road and some are.... wasabi ice cream with anchovies. Its one thing to be a bit shy but something else if he's not even willing to try. You might find yourself bored in a few years, like Girl said.

Just don't let him get you thinking this is a problem with your sexuality. You sound fine. Most men would kill for the whole 'lady on the street, freak in the bed' thing you have going on.

[nerdy_guy]

Look for the most conservative, most old school clothing that you can find, something that looks like it came from the 16th century. Then just bore a small hole big enough to let his penis in. Hot, sweaty, monkey sex, here we come!