Do I fix it or throw in the towel?

[HighFidelity]

Sorry for the length of this guys, but it just seems to me that I should give as much information on the situation as possible.

EDIT: So I cut this in half. Sorry about the length. I'm really wordy, and I guess I had a lot to get out. Also sorry about switching between tenses. I'm a bit tired and it's five in the morning.

I’m twenty-one and she’s nineteen. I’m from a middle class background and a close knit family. We were never bad off, but we were always in debt. I'm going to college to be a history teacher, and I'd like to settle down in the New England area, maybe near a big city. Before this relationship I grew up dating a girl, and we were together for most of our adolescence, about 8 1/2 years. She definitely comes from an upper middle class family, and she rarely enjoys being home. She just has to go out to lunch with her father to find a nice gift in her bank account. She's studying business so that she can open up an environmentally friendly salon near Gatlinburg, Tennessee. I am her first serious relationship. Though I'm an army brat, we're both pretty much from the same little midwestern/southern town.

The story so far:

So the girl and I, let's call her Sunshine, we've been dating for almost 2 years at this point. When we first met I was a freshman in college and she was a junior at my old high school. We met one Saturday afternoon and we kissed, but all of our other scheduled dates seemed to fall through. She had this big ugly cave troll of a boyfriend, and I wasn’t cool with that. She chose not to leave him, so I moved on. I start talking to another girl, we'll call her G.

G and I had been friends for a few years. I was introduced to her when I was in a band, by our drummer, and we talked occasionally. After Sunshine and I had our initial encounter where I was scorned, I spent the summer venting to G, and subsequently falling heel over head for her. But there were reasons that kept us apart. We were four hours away from each other, and more importantly, I was nineteen and she was sixteen, and I absolutely can't risk getting stuck with some kind of statutory charge if I'm going to be a teacher. So when Sunshine came back G understood, but we stopped talking over time.

After that summer, Sunshine left her boyfriend, and long story short we enter into a long distance relationship that my friends don’t quite approve of, because of what happened before. I devoted afternoons and evenings to her, we chat via webcam, and I make the hour drive home to see her on weekends.

Our relationship is fairly good while we start out. Initially I'm a bit upset about how close she is to her male best friend, as she tells me she originally had feelings for him, and at the last moment she chooses to bring him to Thanksgiving dinner, rather than me. But I shrug it off, because she says she feels nothing for him anymore. In February she tells me that she needs a break, not because I've done something, but because her Grandmother's been diagnosed with stomach cancer. Her grandmother was more of a mother to her than her mom ever was, and she just needs time to focus on that. I am understanding and I do what I can to be there for her. We quickly reunite. The semester draws to a close and I spend what little money I have to take her to her senior prom, even though it falls the weekend before my finals.

That Summer my mother and younger sister move to live with my father in Europe, and I fly over to spend a month with them. Sunshine decides that she absolutely has to go, and her parents fork over a ludicrous amount of money at the last moment so that she can get on our flights. She lives with me and my parents for a month. Most days were smooth sailing. Sometimes we got into arguments, but it was all little petty stuff and I chalk it up to the honeymoon period ending.

We get back to the states and I move into an apartment for the upcoming semester. She moves into the dorm rooms. She sleeps over most nights though, and for a while things are fine. We even buy a PS3 together.

Then she gets upset that I'm talking to G again. I decided over the summer that I wanted that friendship back and we began talking again as nothing more than friends, knowing full well our boundaries, with each of us in a committed relationship. Sunshine was offended and decided that she did not trust this girl I had once been close to, calling her some very unflattering things and telling me to cut her out or I was single. Unhappily, I did. She however continued talking to a male friend of hers, who had slept with my previous girlfriend while we were dating. Though I absolutely loathed him for it, I never asked her to quit talking to him.

After Halloween, our differences began cropping up everywhere. I like to pride myself on being a fan of music. I listen to everything from Public Enemy to Bob Dylan. She for the most part does not like what I listen to, preferring for the most part, the worst songs that the radio tends to play. How does one not like Don't Stop Believin'? I love movies, and she doesn’t really care for the ones I seem to like; We've yet to make it all the way through Almost Famous, after trying to watch it numerous times, and she didn't care for Ferris Bueller's Day Off. She begins to pick on my wardrobe and appearance. She tells me I'm too skinny and that she doesn’t like my wardrobe. My jeans are always too tight, or too loose, or the wrong wash. She pesters me for even contemplating facial hair during No Shave November.

In the beginning I began speaking up about things that bothered me, but soon I found that I wasn't being listened to. Eventually I just stopped speaking up, because I felt like I wasn't being heard. I was either ignored, or everything was somehow turned around and became my fault. Most days were good, but the fighting caused our sex life to dwindle. I wasn’t willing to or in the mood to sleep with her if we were fighting.

She decides that she's not comfortable with my getting drunk, although I have never actually been drunk around her. She tells me that she doesn't like how I act when I'm buzzed, that I'm too goofy and silly, and that I embarass her. We only ever drink at my apartment, with my friends, all of whom are amused and inebriated as well. She also tells me that I don't need to be drinking when she's not there, and even when she is, no more than two mixed drinks. I'm upset of course, because I have never once been drunk in front of her, and I don't feel trusted to handle alcohol.

As this year began, my best friend offered to pay for my tattoo for my birthday. Sunshine however decided that I had no right to get a tattoo, that I’m perfect the way I am, why would I want to ruin it with something unnatural? She has two facial piercings, which I fully supported, and wants at least two more piercings, both of which I would never stop her from getting.This argument continues for a month. I decide that I'm going to get the tattoo. This leads to two hour yelling match in my apartment, where she shoves me, I punch a wall, and eventually she tells me that she's leaving me. And then two days later she calls me to talk and I come to campus and we talk for an hour. She cries, and asks me to rethink it, and I finally say that I will, but that I need her to be okay with whatever I decide. She agrees. Her grandmother is then rushed to the hospital with cancer. Sunshine becomes a nervous wreck for a month and I try to be there for her, neglecting to defend myself when she complains about things I do and agreeing to put off my tattoo for the time being. Her grandmother passes away and again I do what I can for her.

The semester continues, and it's very rough. She expresses unhappiness with my apartment and the fact that I live with two females. I tell her that it's 2010, not 1973 and that it's no big deal if she trusts me, especially since I am very good friends with both of my roommate's boyfriends.

I find it hard to leave the apartment many days. Sunshine begins seeing a counselor on campus to deal with her grandmother, and I decide to do the same, to try and figure out what's going on in my head. Turns out, manic depression runs in my family and I'm depressed... and she’s a big part of it.

During this time our arguments get worse. I still feel like I'm not being heard, and after a few minutes in most arguments, I begin to yell. I don't call her names, although I do swear. She cries, and I apologize, but I still yell, because I at least know what I'm saying is being heard.

She picks on my financial decisions, like the groceries I buy. She tells me she wishes I'd buy more fresh produce and organic products. I tell her that I buy what I can afford, but if she'd like to pitch in for groceries, we can expand our pantry a bit. She does not. Then my car begins having troubles. Multiple troubles. I have to replace both the radiator and a head gasket, and end up reluctantly borrowing about $800 from my parents to get it fixed. She tells me that I should just junk the car and buy a new used car. She does not understand when I tell her that that's fiscally impossible for me.

I decide that it would be best for me if I spend half the summer with my family in Europe, and she promptly decides that she won't talk to me if I do. I talk her out of this decision and tell her we can write to each other and webcam every day. She throws a fit because I don’t want to buy stationary to write letters on.

At the same time, I get an offer from a friend to go to Bonnarroo. I think on it for a few days, since it means deserting her for another week of my summer. A few days pass and I finally decide "f u c k it, I'm depressed and I want my tattoo, I'm going to get it." My friend now can’t afford to help me with the tattoo since she’s in the middle of a move to Germany with her husband who's in the air force. So I decide to go to Bonnarroo, only to find out my other friend has decided to take the girl he likes, which I cannot fault him for.I feel as if I've been denied two things that would make me very happy simply because I was more concerned with her happiness than my own, and now she berates me for not wanting to buy stationary. I yell louder than I ever have before. She cries. I tell her that that's it. She's either going to change or I'm going to leave. She seems to understand this time. I leave for Europe.

While I'm here she tells me that she thinks I've been verbally abusive, and that the tattoo is a no go, a deal breaker. She tells me that she wants her opinions listened to, and that I can no longer yell in arguments. Basically, she reverts back to normal. I'm hurt by the verbal abuse claim. Though I have yelled and cursed, I've never once called her a name, nor would I. I grew up with a military father who had no qualms about calling his seven year old son a "f u c k i n g d u m b a s s" for dropping a carton of eggs in the parking lot of a grocery store.

Again there are good days, but there are many bad ones too. I'm currently preparing myself to leave my family again and deal with college again, and I find myself at wits end with my relationship. I do love the girl, as crazy as that sounds but I don't know if this is fixable. Am I a glutton for punishment? Is there a way to make this work, or am I Sisyphus, continually pushing the boulder up the hill? I'm great at giving all of my friends relationship advice, but I'm an utter failure fixing my own issues.

[cmacattack1]

Whew, do you feel good getting all that out of your system?

I'm sure it feels nice to get that off of your chest. You might even think that what you have gone through is very unique. And in the little ways it is, but it's nothing alot of us haven't gone through. Your girlfriend is extremely insecure, ego-centric, self motivated, selfish, and immature. Something that isn't too surprising when you are a couple years older in the late teenage years. So much growth happens around this time and you guys are leaps and bounds apart. The problem is that most of the time, while you are dating somebody, you tend to stall that growth. You have somebody you can always lean on no matter what you do or how you live your life. That boyfriend or girlfriend is supposed to be the one that loves you unconditionally and put up with your shortcomings. It's a trap.

So her grandmother is not well. That sucks and I certainly feel sorry for her. What I found particularly interesting is that she wanted a break to "focus" on that. Having a relationship with somebody is supposed to be because you want to build something important together, grow together, move forward together. She chose to block you out. Could she focus on her grandmother and have a relationship with you? Absolutely. The fact that she chose not to really speaks volumes about how she feels about you. She doesn't want to open up to you. Which is fine, if that's how she feels, but that's not ideal for a relationship. And as you noticed, you guys aren't growing together, you are stagnating and things are getting worse.

You weren't vocal enough, you met her every want and need, and when it isn't enough, it builds resentment on your end. That's why now you are yelling, using curse words, basically acting like a dick. You put up with too much, you were a doormat, and now you feel you have to stand your ground. Love isn't really toleration man, love is more about challenging that one person and making them a better person for it. I'm not saying you should need to argue with everything she says, but if you want to grow together, you can't be a doormat to her every whim.

You are both responsible in this. Unfortunately, it's been like this for such a long time, alot of damage is done. But you aren't happy anymore, and although you love and have attachment for this girl, you just aren't happy. You don't even enjoy being with her anymore, you are just going through the motions, or what boyfriends are "supposed to do". What's the very first thing, the very first reason why you started dating her? You enjoyed being with her. It was fun. That's one thing that we start to lose sight of as it gets more serious. It should always be about that first, and then the next steps will come naturally.

She is telling you what to wear, what to do, what to like, who to talk to and who not to talk to. She got angry when you wanted to see your family for christ's sake. She is not good for you, she is controlling, and she really only cares about herself. Something you probably heard and already know.

Maybe it's time to sit down and have a serious talk. Be heard, be vocal. Tell her how you feel, that you are losing your love for her and that things need to start happening now. If she argues, step your foot down, walk away and tell her you need some time. If she plays along but goes back to the same old shit, walk away and tell her you need some time. No arguing on your part, no swearing, calm as can be. Even if she raises her voice, and tries to pull your emotional strings, hold your cool. This is all you can do.

Now is the time to make something happen. Don't be afraid of being on your own.

[nerdy_guy]

She however continued talking to a male friend of hers, who had slept with my previous girlfriend while we were dating. Though I absolutely loathed him for it, I never asked her to quit talking to him.

You should have asked her why is it okay for her and not okay for you. Aside from having boobs, and the other having a penis, ask her what's the difference between your female friend and her male friend.

I tell her that it's 2010, not 1973 and that it's no big deal if she trusts me, especially since I am very good friends with both of my roommate's boyfriends.

It is a big deal if she trusts you or not. And she should in this case. IF you were screwing around with one of them, she's got all the right to hire a horse just to kick you right between the legs.

Though I have yelled and cursed, I've never once called her a name, nor would I. I grew up with a military father who had no qualms about calling his seven year old son a "f u c k i n g d u m b a s s" for dropping a carton of eggs in the parking lot of a grocery store.

Just because your dad does it to you, doesn't give you the right to do this to others as well. Haven't you heard of the dad who waterboarded his 4yr old daughter for having a hard time learning her ABCs? ABSOLUTELY WRONG MINDSET dude.

She comes from a well off background, and she's not used to living below 'princess' levels. Most probably, her mentality is that she's trying to manipulate you to her will since she's 'above' you. You're okay with her bringing her male friend to thanksgiving dinner because you trust her? wrong point. You were not brought to thanksgiving dinner because you're not royalty, she's afraid that you won't be able to measure up to rich snobs which might ask you questions. Her male friend on the other hand is most probably groomed for royalty just like she is so he's a better choice for a date.

To her, you're a second class citizen, and she's having problems with how to deal with the question as to how a princess fell in love with a pauper. Yes, you may not be poor, but she's living a life of excess, you, on the other hand, still have debts. you're in the negative, you're not even on the zero.

I suggest you go for your friend G, she's about the same level as you, and would probably understand your life a lot better.

[Gigabitch]

Just because your dad does it to you, doesn't give you the right to do this to others as well. Haven't you heard of the dad who waterboarded his 4yr old daughter for having a hard time learning her ABCs? ABSOLUTELY WRONG MINDSET dude.

You misread that, nerdy. He said he NEVER would.

And for the record, anyone who entrusts a dozen eggs into the hands of a seven year old boy is a f u c k i n g d u m b a s s. Just sayin'.


Anyway, High Fidelity, why would you keep trying to make this work? You aren't actually cursed by the gods to roll a big boulder up a hill, so why the hell are you doing it? I'm sure it's not news to you that your girlfriend is a great big pain in the ass. Are you aware that you have every right to just walk away and find someone who makes you happy?

Some people don't really believe in happiness. It actually took me until my mid-30's to fully grasp the concept, myself. It changed my life. It could change yours. Break up with her. She sucks.

[VincenzoG91]

This relationship isn't good for either one of you. Different people with different interests, plus she is trying to change you to become more like her. And in general, she seems too controlling and critical, to the point where only a very weak guy could put up with her demands. And then she would probably dislike that guy for being so weak. You are going to be a lot happier if you break up with her and focus on other stuff for a while. Eventually, start dating women that might actually like you for who you are.

[Raze]

I like the name Sunshine.

[Gigabitch]

Can you imagine what she would be like after ten years of marriage? Nightmare!

[Raze]

Can you imagine what she would be like after ten years of marriage? Nightmare!

She would change her name to Cloudy?

[VincenzoG91]

Local weathermen sometimes use the expression "cold sunshine" to describe one of those winter days when the skies are clear blue but it's really cold out.

[HighFidelity]

Unfortunately, I also seem to be leaning heavily toward leaving. I say unfortunately because we do still have good days. She can be incredibly sweet and caring, but even the smallest disagreement can change that immediately. I've gotten her to admit to being selfish, spoiled, and unfair three times. Once she was drunk, the other two times she had been incredibly mean during arguments. She admitted that she has a tendency to sort of demonize me whenever we have a disagreement, because she feels she's being personally attacked. Coincidentally, her counselor, and she herself, seems to believe that she may have Borderline Personality Disorder. Which makes me incredibly sympathetic, and is probably the main reason I seem to be hellbent on trying to work things out. Maybe if that gets solved, we can work on some kind of compromise.

But then I'm reminded of all of our differences that seem to divide us, but don't necessarily cause fights. Our disagreements on music and movies and television. Sure, her unwillingness to try watching Lost with me shouldn't be a big deal, but she doesn't have to say it's stupid when she hasn't given it a chance. I just want to try and share something, give us a common interest. When we do have common interests, like reading, we somehow manage to mess that up too. She likes fantasy books, and I tend to go for things at least partially grounded in reality. I've even tried to read some of her books, but she can't fathom how I can read through something like The Shining. The only book I believe we've both read at the same time was House of Leaves, which is G's favorite book. I think that may have had something to do with Sunshine's dislike of it. Hell, we even have disagreements about our sex life, things that though probably petty and shallow, bother or even offend me a little bit. I'll spare you those details I suppose.

I'm certainly not bound to her, I suppose I'm just incredibly stubborn. I'm also pretty bad at breaking up with people. I was never any good at the whole heartbreaker thing. But I know I have to act soon. My former drummer is getting married in October and I'm the best man, and G, who I've recently started speaking to again after fighting to get that right back, is going to be there.

[Gigabitch]

her counselor, and she herself, seems to believe that she may have Borderline Personality Disorder. Which makes me incredibly sympathetic, and is probably the main reason I seem to be hellbent on trying to work things out.

You should take a long look at that. Consciously choosing to stay and commit to someone with a disorder like this isn't a very healthy thing to do.

Dating is a tryout for marriage, for most people. Some people are just in it for the fun, but most of us are looking for life partners. BPD should be a dealbreaker if you ever want kids. You can't fix this person. You don't owe her anything, either.

[nerdy_guy]

You misread that, nerdy. He said he NEVER would.

I was leaning more on the cursing Giga. Some people who aren't used to hearing it, much less saying it themselves can take it pretty badly. I think that's a big part as to why little miss sunshine's head goes into maximum overdrive. I don't believe that yelling and cursing solved anyone's problems either

Anyway, you need to stop looking at this part of your relationship:

I say unfortunately because we do still have good days.

Normally, Its not a bad thing. But it would be to your disadvantage should you decide to hang on to such a minuscule detail right now. It's like putting a pinch of salt into a large tub of water and keep telling yourself that it's just as good as the sea. You need to take your head off the clouds. Though it feels good in the immediate term, it's going to suck you dry the the longer term.

Go for miss G dude. You need to start out fresh.

[cmacattack1]

Unfortunately, I also seem to be leaning heavily toward leaving. I say unfortunately because we do still have good days. She can be incredibly sweet and caring, but even the smallest disagreement can change that immediately. I've gotten her to admit to being selfish, spoiled, and unfair three times. Once she was drunk, the other two times she had been incredibly mean during arguments. She admitted that she has a tendency to sort of demonize me whenever we have a disagreement, because she feels she's being personally attacked. Coincidentally, her counselor, and she herself, seems to believe that she may have Borderline Personality Disorder. Which makes me incredibly sympathetic, and is probably the main reason I seem to be hellbent on trying to work things out. Maybe if that gets solved, we can work on some kind of compromise.

But then I'm reminded of all of our differences that seem to divide us, but don't necessarily cause fights. Our disagreements on music and movies and television. Sure, her unwillingness to try watching Lost with me shouldn't be a big deal, but she doesn't have to say it's stupid when she hasn't given it a chance. I just want to try and share something, give us a common interest. When we do have common interests, like reading, we somehow manage to mess that up too. She likes fantasy books, and I tend to go for things at least partially grounded in reality. I've even tried to read some of her books, but she can't fathom how I can read through something like The Shining. The only book I believe we've both read at the same time was House of Leaves, which is G's favorite book. I think that may have had something to do with Sunshine's dislike of it. Hell, we even have disagreements about our sex life, things that though probably petty and shallow, bother or even offend me a little bit. I'll spare you those details I suppose.

I'm certainly not bound to her, I suppose I'm just incredibly stubborn. I'm also pretty bad at breaking up with people. I was never any good at the whole heartbreaker thing. But I know I have to act soon. My former drummer is getting married in October and I'm the best man, and G, who I've recently started speaking to again after fighting to get that right back, is going to be there.

I've admitted plenty of times that I was selfish and spoiled in my relationship, but it didn't change one bit. Just because we admit something doesn't really mean anything if no action backs it up to correct it. I was totally convinced I was this horrible person and that I couldn't change it. Sure I could, I just had to stop thinking I was such a pathetic victim and stop taking the easy way out. She would have to have the same mentality. While you guys may have your good days, both of your patiences are stretched to the max.

Breaking up should be held as the last resort. Have you tried everything else you could possibly think of?

So you aren't good at breaking up and you don't want to hurt her. It's going to hurt no matter what you do, whether you stay with her or not. You have to really do what's best for you. Sure it sucks and you are going to feel horrible for doing it as well. It's no picnic for either of you. But not much is going to change until you do something about it. It's good for the both of you.

[lahnnabell]

Something like BPD will be a lifelong battle for her. There is no way she's just going to get fixed. Even if she's on meds that help her function on an every day basis, she will still have mood swings and she'll still have to deal with the different way in which her brain functions. Until she is ready to take responsibility for this, she won't be any easier to deal with. It sucks that she probably has a very complicated mental and emotional condition, but the last thing that will help her is feeling sorry for herself. And you needn't feel sorry for her either. It'll only enable her behavior.

Breaking up with someone is one of the best ways to give them a wake up call. We are forced to grow a lot faster when all we have is the opportunity to focus on ourselves. She won't be able to use you as a crutch anymore, and you'll be able to heal and find out what a more loving, fulfilling relationship can be like.

Bottom line: This girl will not change because she sees no reason to. You've stuck it out with her through some very bad times, and she believes you'll always be there to clean up her BS. You'll be doing the both of you a favor if you call it quits.