Should I try to fix my relationship or leave it?

[Nea]

My boyfriend and I are both 21 and have been dating for a little over 4 years. Lately I have started to notice changes in our relationship and the way we act. Before we used to talk all day via text and always spend time together after work. Lately, we barely say anything to each other through out the day, but typically we still spend time together after work on most days. With this I know that we have been together for a long time and things are just becoming routine, but I feel like we take each other for granted. Their is no more of the initial romance of a relationship, and I just do not feel the excitement anymore. I tried to talk to him about this a few weeks ago and was pretty much completely shot down. He said that all relationships end up this way and there's nothing we can do about it. I suggested maybe just showing excitement to see each other at night or do something and he responded with "Im not gonna put on an act for you".

With that, I do not know if I should try wording this differently or something, because if I can fix this and be happy again I would love to marry him someday. I tried being blunt during our conversation and told him that I was not happy anymore, and he just said that if I'm not happy the decision seems pretty easy to him.



On top of this lack of excitement, I have also started to become more bothered by his flaws. For one, he is extremely judgmental of others and hates everyone when he first meets them. I can not stand this because it makes me feel uncomfortable to introduce him to my friends. Although by now he has met them all. He just has this sense of "I'm better than everyone" that has always bothered me but now is bothering me a lot worse. Also he has been spending a lot more time with his brother, who I find really annoying and my boyfriend is annoying when he is around him and they're drinking. Now I know this is family so he will always be around, but they are annoying in the way that they try to offend everyone they run into, they get kicked out of places often, and are just really immature together.

I have found myself comparing my boyfriend to others lately. For example, I do not like some of the members of his family and last week I was hanging out with one of my guy friends and we stopped by his house and I met his family at that time. My first thoughts were that I wish that was my boyfriends family. Little things like this keep me wondering about the health of our relationship. Also, I wonder if I'm thinking these things because I'm bored with the relationship and am subconsciously trying to find reasons to break up with him.


The problem is, I know it would be a really hard breakup. Ive met everyone in his family and vise versa, and everyone is expecting us to get married one day. I feel like I would be letting down everyone. Also, my only good girl friend is his sister and I know I would lose her if I ended this. I feel like I have put a LOT in this relationship and have gone too far to end it now.

It would also be really hard for me because I have never really been single for any significant amount of time. If I am single, I have a guy friend that I bring in really close almost as an attempt to not feel single. I am wondering if I should be single for some time and experience it, or if I would end up regretting my decision to leave him and be really upset and alone and probably end up rebounding really fast.

Also, I am about 95% confident that he would not accept a suggestion for a break and 100% confident that if I broke up with him he would never take me back, which is why I really need to know what I am doing is right before I do it.

[nerdy_guy]

There is a point when life becomes monotonous and the excitement dies down. But, there are always things that would keep the spark going. That is why long time couples get out of the daily grind and do something else together.

You've become more bother by his actions since you're already bothered by it in the first place, add that to the boring relationship that you already feel and that aggravates the situation. Also, I don't think its fair that you use your friends as a 'stand-in boyfriend'. They might feel used when you do that, and that would result in you losing friends. They should be there only as emotional support, they shouldn't be there as your boyfriend's stuntman. Imagine if you're already 70yrs old and you've never been single all your life. How would you handle it?

If you start comparing your boyfriend to someone else, that's a very big sign to move on. Because when this problem blows out of proportion, I'm sure, you'll experience world war 3 when you tell him who's better than him.

I think you should take a break from relationship, clear your thoughts. Then start life over again. Either be back with him when he's mature enough or find someone else. Bottom line, you need to have a break to sort things out.

And as a side note:

I feel like I have put a LOT in this relationship and have gone too far to end it now.

Regarding this one, I'm not big on divorce either so this is my advice. Investing in 4 years and leaving now, is still better than living with him in agony for the rest of your life.

[Raze]

And as a side note:


Regarding this one, I'm not big on divorce either so this is my advice. Investing in 4 years and leaving now, is still better than living with him in agony for the rest of your life.

I completely agree. Life is too short to live depressed.

[Bella82]

When I read your message, the main gist I got from it was that you feel the excitement is gone and that he is not putting in enough effort to makes things more lively. Is this right?

The fact of the matter is, relationships sometimes require a little maintenance. It's not easy to keep that initial excitement with the other person forever and always - you always need to make an effort to continually try new things, get together with friends, make sweet gestures, and be completely honest with each other if something is bothering you. Take a look at the things that are the most important to you: do you need frequently contact with the person you are with throughout the day to maintain that emotional connection? Why not make an effort to write him a few messages throughout the next week and see how he responds. Do you want to try something new together? Try planning a cooking class, or schedule to do something you both have always wanted to try. See where these lead you and how you feel.

If after this, you still feel like he is not putting forth enough effort, and you've really had a heart-to-heart with each other about what you both need to feel secure and happy in the relationship, then maybe it's time you moved on. I know it's really stressful to deal with break-ups and you always wonder if you are doing the right thing, but at the same time, hoping you don't make the wrong decision.

The worst part about breaking up, or choosing to stay together and work through your issues, is the in-between period, where you feel like you are floating. Take actions that will allow you to make a decision, because once you make a choice, you will be free to start working on a goal.

Chin up and keep on going!