Should I break up with a guy who finds me fat? :-(

[apaosaka]

So - my dilemma (sorry if it's a little long!!). I'm a slightly overweight, but I think overall an attractive person. I'm 5'3, about 160 lbs, and buy normal sized clothes and stuff. Like most girls, I have a lot of insecurities about my weight and appearance, but I'd like to think I'm a pretty confident person.

I'm also quite a veteran of meeting people from the internet. I've dated quite a few people I originally met online (of course people offline too!), and haven't had any terribly hurtful experiences.

Recently, I met a guy who I talked to on Skype for six months. It got to the point that we talked for three hours a day, and he was constantly confessing his love. He was really excited about meeting me - and we decided to book a trip together to China for ten days without having ever met. We had exchanged photos and done videochat so I thought it would be okay. But deep down inside I was worried about my weight. I have a pretty active lifestyle and eat like a normal person. The month before we were about to meet, I had a very busy schedule and so was eating very little and working out constantly, but no weight loss. Actually my size hasn't really changed since I hit puberty so maybe I'm doomed to this.

Usually when I meet people from the internet, I'm very confident, but this time I was very worried. He kept bringing up the fact that appearance doesn't matter much to him - but the thing is that he's Japanese (I know, random). Everyone there is incredibly thin, and he's even lighter than me. I'm fine by American standards, but I could never live up to the Japanese girls... As some background, I'd lived in Japan for a year and was moving back after graduating college. He can't speak English and he's never been to America so doesn't have any point of comparison for American girls.

So, we met a week ago and had a fun time. We even ended up having sex. He was nice and all but I sensed some coldness. I talked to him in length about it over the phone yesterday and turns out he lost some interest because of my fatness. But he says he doesn't care about stuff like that, is looking forward to our trip, and is hoping for something more to happen afterwards. He's built up this trip a lot and right now it's the only thing in his life to look forward to. I'm guessing he's having an internal struggle of really wanting to like me, but dealing with a weakening of the feelings he had before.

I don't know how to take it though, I've never dated someone who found me unattractive or ever talked to a guy about stuff like that. I'm not sure whether to be sad, angry, or happy that he wants to work things out despite it? I mean, I'd rather that he not find me fat in the first place...

So basically, help?? How do I regain my self-confidence? Is someone to blame here - me for being fat, or him for being affected by that, or is there nothing I can do? Also I don't know if I can continue having sex with him, knowing that he finds my body ugly... but I know it'll worsen things if we don't. What to dooooo!!

[rain.man]

Did he actually say he finds you ugly? I think you're letting your insecurities run wild with this. He did sleep with you, so there had to be some physical attraction there. Fat doesn't necessarily mean unattractive. I have an uncle who has never dated a woman under 250 pounds, he loves them big.

I think the coldness just stems from the fact that you turned out to be different than he had pictured. That's pretty common with online dating. He may still be attracted, just not *as much* (this doesn't mean he thinks you are *ugly*), so it seemed like he was a bit colder than his usual demeanor.

As for whether you can continue on with someone who isn't 100% into you, that's a choice only you can make.

[Bella82]

This is tough, because we want our partner to find us sexy and attractive. And when we don't feel this way, well... it doesn't help the relationship, or our confidence. You said you had talked in length with him over the phone about this, but have you tried to tell him how it's making you feels now towards your relationship? I'm talking about this bit here..

I don't know how to take it though, I've never dated someone who found me unattractive or ever talked to a guy about stuff like that. I'm not sure whether to be sad, angry, or happy that he wants to work things out despite it? I mean, I'd rather that he not find me fat in the first place...

Emotions and confidence play such a large role in whether or not we feel comfortable having sex, or whether we feel sexy enough to want to sashay around in lingerie and high heels. It's really important that the two of you speak as openly and honestly as possible and try to work through this. He sounds open to discussing things, take that opportunity to speak with him now.

At the same time, it's good to remember that there are alot of men out there who would LOVE your body and would love the thought of throwing you around in the bedroom:-)

[IndiReloaded]

Did he actually call you fat? If not, don't worry about it.

You are getting on the heavy side for your height and weight, just being honest. You already know this and are clearly self-conscious about it. It gets harder to keep the weight off the older you get so you should consider changing your lifestyle and dropping at least 20 lbs over the next couple years. Hire a personal trainer with nutrition background if you can afford it.

[Boisdevie]

According to a website I've just been on your profile makes you overwight and almost obese. Not sexy.Sorry.

[kitkitkitty]

you need to ask him outright how he sees your body. Indi's right, you're on the heavier side of 'overweight' and i'd drop a few pounds to avoid even more problems in the future.

[boopei]

Sexy comes from the inside not what shape you are. If your not happy with your outsides, then work on fixing it, so that the confidence will show through. Insecurities will kill a relationship. I've just been through it, and now that I'm single, I'm working hard to fix the things I know I can. I'm pretty confident, but I want to be healthy and confident.

Just remember, sexy is different for every man (and woman). Some people think women who smoke cigarettes and are darn near anorexic are sexy, personally, not my thing, and I've been with women. Be healthy, be confident, and be yourself

[doppelgaenger]

If someone calls you fat you're supposed to try and lose some weight.

[boopei]

If someone calls you fat you're supposed to try and lose some weight.

If someone calls you fat you promptly tell them to go @%#^! themselves and don't let jerks tell you how YOU are supposed to look and feel.

[hurt_confuzd]

If someone calls you fat you're supposed to try and lose some weight.

You fat fuçk.

[Bella82]

Sexy comes from the inside not what shape you are. If your not happy with your outsides, then work on fixing it, so that the confidence will show through. Insecurities will kill a relationship. I've just been through it, and now that I'm single, I'm working hard to fix the things I know I can. I'm pretty confident, but I want to be healthy and confident.

Just remember, sexy is different for every man (and woman). Some people think women who smoke cigarettes and are darn near anorexic are sexy, personally, not my thing, and I've been with women. Be healthy, be confident, and be yourself

Fully agree! If you happy with your weight, then don't worry. If not, you can always work on getting in better shape.

[EnjoyingLife]

If he actually called you 'fat' then you should tell him he's a shallow person and never talk to him again! If someone really likes you they won't be bothered by your size.

[IndiReloaded]

It is very insensitive for someone to call you fat outright. But being overweight comes with significant health risks. So to all those who say "don't worry about it", I call BS. You are right to worry about it and I hope you do things to change your lifestyle and feel better about your weight. Whoever you are with should support your efforts.

[ecojeanne]

he slept with you and wants to again. i think it's fairly simple; he likes you.

he's getting to know you. you are likely being paranoid because if he had a problem with your weight he wouldn't have wanted to see you again ad he would never have slept with you in the first place.

if you are overweight you should consider your health. your health is your wealth as the saying goes. start making changes...even if it's with your diet first if you can't bear exercise, eventually when eating proper vegetables and the right vitamins and minerals feed you you will automatically loose weight and feel less hungry because you are feeding your body properly.

the more bad nutritionally deficient food you eat the more you crave it because the body is crying out for the vitamins and minerals to survive. stop the addiction to bad food now and you will feel a lot better

[Boisdevie]

If he actually called you 'fat' then you should tell him he's a shallow person and never talk to him again! If someone really likes you they won't be bothered by your size.

Fat is not sexy. No way.