I need so much help I don't know what help to ask for first. Guys, insight please!!

[alwaystryin]

Hi everyone, this is my first post. I did a lot of reading on these forums when I joined a couple of weeks ago. I'm in a terrible, messy situation. I'm four and a half months pregnant and I kicked my boyfriend out of the house in a fit of rage two days before I found out. He hasn't been back since and the way things have been going I don't know if he ever will. He's the only man I feel I've ever truly loved. I was never the type to believe in soul mates and love at first sight until he came into my life. Now I am devastated and completely lost without him. Not to mention terrified of going through this entire pregnancy and thereafter alone.

My birthday was May 10, the day after Mother's Day. He works a 4-12 shift and left for work on Mothers's Day Sunday. He called me at midnight to tell me he got off work. I asked him if he was coming home and he said yes, so I told him I would wait up for him. I had fallen asleep on the couch and when I woke up at 3:30 in the morning he wasn't home. I called and after no answer the first time, I reached him on the second and he was in a bar playing pool. He had never left the city to come home and didn't call to tell me he was staying. He got annoyed when I got upset and I fell asleep crying on the couch. Technically it was my birthday at this point and I was hurt that he didn't come home.

He wasn't home when I woke up in the morning either .When I called I got no answer. He was unreachable all day until finally at 3:30 in the afternoon he called and said he didn't know what happened and he was on his way to work again. I was totally destroyed and I told him it was my birthday and he responded basically by saying it was no big deal that it was my birthday. He got upset. So I spent most of the day crushed and crying. He called again at 9 PM and said he was getting off of work and asked if he could take me to dinner. I responded only under the condition that he wasn't drunk by the time I got to the city to meet him. I put myself together and went.

He took my for a nice dinner and by then I decided not to let my anger ruin the evening. At one point I turned to him and asked him why he didn't seem happy. That he had recently gotten certain things he said he needed in his life to be happy (one of them being a job) and now that he has them, he doesn't seem happy at all. He brushed me off and said he didn't know. But I knew he was holding back. Then he started giving me the cold shoulder. By the time we left the restaurant I was feeling hurt again. Here is the man I love, who says he loves me and he didn't come home the night before, trivialized my birthday and now he's being cold! What is going on?!

A friend picked us up from the restaurant and we were going to go for drinks. But the more things built up inside, the more hurt I got and I started talking sh*t in the car. In front of our friend. When we stopped at a red light, he got out of the car and left. By that time I was angry so I didn't even care that he left. I imagined he felt guilty. So the night went on and I spent time with friends and got pretty drunk as well. By the time I got home it was 4:30 in the morning. I was feeling very bold and justified and woke him up out of a dead sleep and totally flipped out on him. At one point I started hitting him on his arms and pushing him on the bed. And then - AND I KNOW THIS IS ABSOLUTELY INEXCUSABLE - I started to spit on him. I told him that was how I felt when he didn't bother to come home on my birthday then got mad at me for being hurt about it. That I obviously didn't mean more than the dirt under his shoe.

As if that isn't bad enough, here's where it gets even worse. I was making so much noise knocking things over and yelling and slamming doors that my neighbors downstairs called the police. They probably thought someone was being murdered. (I have no carpet either). When the police came and asked me if I wanted him to leave I was so angry I said yes. MY BIGGEST MISTAKE. Because he did. He packed everything into a giant duffle bag and left. When I realized what I had done, I left my apartment and stayed at a friends house. I was a mess.

Later the next day, I was lying on the couch staring at the ceiling just thinking about the past week. I hadn't been feeling right, extra edgy about things and feeling scattered all over the place. Eventually I had come to the decision to buy a pregnancy test the next morning. I have a nine year old daughter and the feeling of being "off" is what made get a test when I found out I was pregnant with her. My boyfriend and I had been trying to conceive a child for most of the 2 years we were together to no avail. I am extremely fertile and after a while, we figured that he wasn't functioning correctly and just couldn't get me pregnant. Well, I got the test the next day and imagine my shock and surprise. I didn't believe the first test, so later that day I took the second one. Positive. I couldn't believe it. What kind of timing was this?! Why now?! Why couldn't I have found out 2 days before?! We would have been celebrating!

I started calling hi like crazy. He didn't answer my calls for 2 days and I finally I let it burst in a voice mail. Not the way I wanted to tell him but I couldn't hold it in any longer. I thought it was a miracle. It took him 2 days to call me back and when he did he was angry and said that just because I'm pregnant doesn't mean he's moving back in with me. He said a few more things and hung up on me.

There is so much more to this and this is already terribly long. I've seen him only twice since then. My daughter is feeling the pain of his absence as well as they both love each other and he was a wonderful father figure to her. I am completely heartbroken. My pregnancy has been sad. Just on and on. I want so badly to reconcile. As I said I've done some reading and I definitely do not know the meaning of no contact. I've been very emotional and am a naturally sensitive person. Thank you to whomever reads this for taking the time.

I could really use some insight. I know there's probably a lot of questions and I'll be happy to answer any that are posed to fill in 0t he gaps as there is a lot missing from the grand scheme of things here. I would appreciate the opinions especially of any men who can offer insight as to what is going on in his head. He was the one who wanted a child. I was already happy in life with my daughter, but love him madly as was more that wiling and happy to have his child and share that gift with him. He's very distant from me and has been keeping it so. Please help me. Thank you.

[Teddy057]

Well, if this guy went out to the bars and got drunk and never came home... I'm guessing there's another woman involved, that you just don't know about yet. Also, he was acting distant at dinner, right? Something is definitely going on here.

As for your pregnancy... That sure does complicate things. If you don't mind me asking, why would you two be trying to conceive a child together while you were just dating? Were there plans of making your relationship permanent? A child is a pretty big step, isn't it?

Your future together doesn't seem too promising... It's best to let this stuff blow over before trying to talk to him. You need to find out what was beyond his mysterious "Unhappiness" on your birthday.

[rain.man]

Honestly, I'm not sure how this could end in reconciliation if he's cut you off for over four months. Usually something would have happened by now.

From a guy's perspective, blowing off your birthday was just plain awful. But violence against an SO is pretty much unforgivable in my eyes (I've been on the receiving end of this and have several scars to show for it, so I have zero tolerance for this kind of behavior).

The only real hope I can see is that the birth of his kid triggers something in him to make him want to be around. The effect isn't as strong for guys, but the birth of a kid softens guys up. At the least, he needs to man up and help support the kid (including helping you through the pregnancy) even if he won't reconcile with you.

I truly hope the daughter didn't have to witness any of this.

Was there anything leading up to this? Had he blown off other events in the recent past?

[alwaystryin]

Hi Teddy, thanks for reading. We were permanent, or at least I thought we were. We weren't just dating, we were living together and we were a family. As I said he was a father to my daughter. And while I would have married him in a second because I was so sure of him, it wasn't something either of us required in our lives. He was married once and his wife left him within a year of their marriage and got pregnant with another man. I suppose the idea of marriage again in his life was a no-no. I never saw myself married in life to begin with. And I went through quite an ordeal separating from my daughters father and though we were together for twelve years, we never married.

And I don't know of a man that talks seriously about having children if he doesn't want them. Do you? He helped me through rough times with my daughter and I knew he didn't take children lightly. I never doubted his love for me, but I knew he wan't happy those last few weeks and I was trying to give him time without pressuring him to tell me what was bothering him, but letting him know I was here for him when he was ready to address it. It's why I am so confused. How does one go from loving someone to not even caring about their birthday? I don't believe he cheated on me. He's a terrible liar and I believe him when he says he didn't. But I don't believe he doesn't remember what happened that night. I don't even know if where he was is as important as WHY he didn't come home. There were times in the past where he would drink too much and fall asleep on the train coming home, but I always got a phone call when he woke up. And he usually remembers somewhat where he'd been and what he was doing.

We've spoken enough times for him to tell me that he doesn't love me and he doesn't want to come home. But now there is also the issue of the baby. My friends say he is conflicted and freaking out about actually becoming a father and to give him time, but it's been months. So to me, there are two issues, the baby and WHAT HAPPENED!! He recently said that he has a lot of love fo rme and he would never say never. He said that he's the type that meeds to see it to believe it and when he holds the baby he'll probably never want to let it go. But I'm afraid that if he doesn't come around untilt he baby is born that I will resent him for abandoning me throughout the pregnancy. I can't get him to talk to me. Our conversations are short and cold on his part. I think I have spent more time crying than not. Being pregnant is certainly not helping my emotions. I don't feel as though I'm seeing things clearly.

[Teddy057]

So, he's told you he no longer loves you and doesn't want to come home? Then said he has a lot of love for you and he would never say never? Hmmm... He is definitely living the single life without any consequences right now. If you haven't seen this guy in months, I wouldn't plan on him magically coming home to help you get through this pregnancy. I can't even comprehend how hard it must be raising a 9 yr old daughter and being pregnant at the same time. I am very sorry, and I hope you have family and friends around you that can help you out.

If he wants to not show up until the baby is born, I say fuc* him. His mindset right now is, 'Out of sight, out of mind'. That's just pathetic. He should be nursing you through this and being a loving partner... But, that's in a perfect world. I can definitely understand you feeling as though he abandoned you throughout this pregnancy, because, he did.

As for this, "How does one go from loving someone to not even caring about their birthday?" I guess it's just part of relationships. Some last, some don't. If he couldn't of even talked to you about why he was feeling so distant, I'm guessing he wasn't very good at expressing his feelings. Which is never a good thing. Maybe routine scared him? Maybe it just got old and boring. Who knows.

[alwaystryin]

Hi rainman - what led up to my terrible behavior (which I saw clearly after the fact..) was that I was hurt, really drunk and most importantly pregnant without knowing I was pregnant. My emotions were absolutely all over the place and not in control. I suffer from PMS, but early pregnancy trumps that by a thousand as far as emotional instability. Add a night of drinking and pain and... It isn't like me, I've never behaved so terribly to someone. The combination of the above things turned me into a bomb. I readily admitted to that and apologized profusely for it. I truly feel terrible for what I did. Certainly it wasn't worth the consequences. I feel so bad for the way he must have felt and I felt like a total idiot and loser when the reality of what happened that night hit me. My actions were just horrible. It's part of why the timing is so horrible. If I'd known I was pregnant just a little sooner, I never would have went out drinking and I know he would have come home on Mother's Day. Even if things were going to end, they shouldn't have ended the way they did. My daughter was not home when this occurred. And he'd never done anything like that before, he made my birthday the year before the best I ever had.

@ Teddy - a part of me is afraid you are right, and that's where my fear of resentment comes in. But honest to God I feel like he's a different person. I don't understand the not being around at all at this time. He came to one Dr's appointment at the end of May and I saw him once after that when he stopped by to bring food. He doesn't call to ask how I am doing. Sometime in July he said that he met a girl and later said that he moved in with her. Then last week he said "What if I told you I don't have a girlfriend and I just want you to know I'm a single guy". This was the same conversation during which he said he has a lot of love for me.

I haven't been very good at leaving him alone for a significant amount of time. I'm so afraid to let go. But I'm confused because, if he really was done with our relationship and he knows he doesn't want to be with me, shouldn't that make it easier for him to at least be around to support the pregnancy? I know he wants to take responsibility for his son, but how can he do that while COMPLETELY ignoring me? Wouldn't it just make it easier to handle the "business" part of our relationship? The baby? Why all the hurtful words and confusing mind games? He's very sensitive as well, sometimes I think even more than me - and you're right Teddy, he never was good at expressing his feelings - of happiness, yes, but hurt? No way. Sometimes I feel like we're battling defenses. But I'm so tired of all of this and I just want my family back together. All of the stress has made me sick this past week which is not good for the baby. So I've decided to stop contacting him because 98% of the time I end up in tears. It's really hard, but now I believe it's the best thing I can do. I just hope it doesn't make it easier for him to remain passive.

[Teddy057]

"I haven't been very good at leaving him alone for a significant amount of time. I'm so afraid to let go. But I'm confused because, if he really was done with our relationship and he knows he doesn't want to be with me, shouldn't that make it easier for him to at least be around to support the pregnancy?" I would think not. If he were to be around supporting you through this, wouldn't it just make the two of you more attached to one another? I mean, I can imagine pregnancy being very emotional and a very bonding experience for two people. Not to mention the labor part, witnessing birth as a couple seems like an unforgettable experience. Maybe he's afraid. I don't think that's the case at all, though. I think he's just a bitch.

As for the hurtful words and mind games, well he's obviously with another woman. When things are going well with her, he's probably saying the hurtful stuff. When they're fighting, it's probably the "oh, I'm single crap".

As impossible as it might seem, I think you should forget about this guy coming around, ever. Try and find happiness with another person, because this guy seems like a deadbeat dad.

[alwaystryin]

Impossible is right Teddy. I also work full time. The stress of how I'm going to raise a newborn and support us at the same time is overwhelming along with the devastation I've been feeling. Unfortunately, I do not have family to help me through this. And I'm always praying that I will make it through the pregnancy healthy and nothing happens so that I can pretty much continue working until my water breaks. I really am afraid and still kind of in shock even though it's been this long. I've been having a lot of trouble accepting this situation for what it seems to be. That he is not coming back. I feel so used and betrayed. I really feel like a fool. And it makes me angry at myself as well. I feel like someone bombed my life and it's all over the place in a zillion pieces. And I'm a doer, you know? If there is a problem then I want to know what is is, think it through and then fix it. Get rid of the problem and move on. But in this situation, I just don't get what happened. And him just talking nothing but bullshit (?) is killing me. I don't know why I feel like it would make a difference if I had a reason from him, but it would. Maybe so I could look at it and say "Oh, okay, now I can file that under _________" and then I can move on? It's making me unsure of how I feel about myself! It's just all felt like one long horrible day since it happened. I feel stuck. Like the rug was pulled out from under me and I fell into a hole there is no way out of. I'm constantly battling these feelings because I need to get up every day and take care of my daughter, and bring her to day camp, and go to work, then pick her up and make dinner and showers and time together... I feel run down, used up and worthless. Thrown away like a piece of trash.

I just want to understand! It's not like we hated each other. I swear in a situation like this I would have bet a life savings that he was the type of guy that would help out even if we weren't together. It isn't like him at all and I wish I knew whether there is something more to this or he really is just some jerk who was fooling me the whole time. I can't see it though, you'd have to be some kind of expert to fake a love like we had. Even his friends and family don't understand it. They all say they know he loved me and know he wanted a child badly. I wonder if he's just drowning himself in a life of total denial. I can live with it if he really doesn't want to be with me. My love for him is true, and if I didn't make him happy then I would want him to seek it out elsewhere. But he's treating me like a total enemy and it's throwing me off. I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND. This is insanity.. ARGH!!!

I'm trying really hard not to become that woman, you know? That bitch? That "See you on court when I petition for full custody asshole." bitch. Taking him into consideration was a big part of me not having an abortion. Not that i wanted one, but the situation definitely made me consider it. The fact that he finally got me pregnant was wonderful (I thought) and I was sure he would hate me and himself if I decided not to keep the baby. I couldn't do that to him knowing how much he wanted a child. A child's life hangs in the balance here. It breaks my heart that he should be born into a broken family. I love this baby immensely and my daughter is excited about him too (it's a boy). I didn't have a father growing up and don't know the first thing about raising a boy either. I have so many fears. How can I get him to open up to me? Right now I can't contact him because it's too stressful for me. But I would like him to be able to talk to me eventually.

Like I said Teddy, I fear you are right, but another part of me can't accept that. Not knowing him like I do (or thought I did?) I'm so confused...

[rain.man]

Well, considering how things ended, he's treating you like an enemy because, well, in his eyes you are. And prior to your birthday, everything was fine? He wasn't acting distant at all until that day?

In this case you *should* be taking sole custody. It is a travesty that it is so easy to **** over the relationship between a child and a good father through custody hearings, but this guy is being 100% negligent with his child. Joint custody shouldn't even be an option at this point. I wonder if this guy likes the *idea* of being a dad more than the *reality* of being one. I know he had a good relationship with your daughter, but dad and stepdad are two very different things.

I agree with Teddy, as it stands this guy is a lost cause. As hard as it seems, you might be better suited trying to find someone else.

[Teddy057]

I think you need to take in consideration of your daughter and yourself right now... Can you emotionally take having a baby right now? Can you honestly do this alone? If not, I would consider not having it... A newborn and a 9 yr old with a single mother working full time, with no family? I'm sorry, but that sounds absurd. You need help if you're going to do this.

Acceptance is very hard, I know. Breakups with all this stuff attached suck even more. Just take it a day at a time, and try and put yourself and your daughter first... Do what's best for the two of you, because that's all that matters right now.

[kitkitkitty]

^^ she wouldl regret this HUGELY. i've never been pregnant but if i were, knowing that life's growing inside you? and she's obviously thought about it and has clearly said that she could never do it. she's got another 4 1/2 months to go and hopefully her hormones and all that will have balanced out.
alwaystryin, you know 1st hand how quickly things can change so don't lose hope. maybe not on the guy coming back as such but the way that you approach this situation. i'm sure your family and friends will be there to help you and already have been. you have a lot to sort out regarding your job, daughter, yourself etc but you can do this and you'll come out the other side being a proud and strong woman.

[alwaystryin]

I really appreciate you guys taking the time to respond to me. I wish I had posted sooner. I'm slowly starting to build a new resolve. I have to be strong and prepared to do this all on my own. I have 1 friend who has really been there for me and I jokingly call her my baby's daddy. I swear if she had a d*ck I'd be f*cking her right now, lol. On the other hand I feel bad that I've taken so much of her time and her ear. It makes me angry because she is around doing things that he should be doing. It only adds to my building resentment.

@ Teddy - kitty is right. I knew I had to make a decision about the baby sooner rather than later and I did decide to keep it. I knew I would have regretted it otherwise. And at 4 1/2 months, it is definitely too late now.

Acceptance is hard. I'm angry that he hasn't given me a hug and said congratulations and that he doesn't call to see how I am. Pregnancy should be such a wonderful special thing, and so far I have been nothing but sad and hurt. But feelings like these always toughen my resolve in life. I just hate to have to be such a hard ass. I hate to be bitter.

@ rainman - no, everything wasn't fine during the few weeks prior. He had become distant, but like I said in my first post, I didn't push him to tell me what his problem was because he was never Mr. Let's Talk About It. I didn't want to pressure him or push him further away. And he was dealing with the stresses of a new job. I thought giving him some time to settle and think things through was the best decision.

He had found himself in quite the mess at one point. His license expired when he went to visit his country a few years prior so he had to start the whole process all over. Then when he started, he found there were unpaid tickets from 12 years prior to that so he had to go to court to straighten that out and then he lost his ID and his job. He was down and out. Aside from being depressed over it he also didn't like the idea of being dependent on me. I know it bothered him a lot. So when he finally got it all together and we made it through the struggle, I thought great! Time to celebrate!

But instead of being happy and turning his attention to recovering and improving our situation, I feel like he turned the other way and took care of himself. He would stay out after work and play pool and meet up with his friends. I didn't have a problem with it. I'd been there myself and I know the feeling of helplessness that comes along with being a dependent. I didn't see anything wrong with him wanting to be out and about and regaining his sense of self. But then he started distancing himself from me at home. On the weekends he would spend more time on the computer than paying attention to me. And during the week, well, I work 9-5 and he works 4-12. We just didn't see each other anymore. Things went on this way up until my birthday when he didn't come home. And I had a huge problem with that.

He also stopped making love to me. We made love twice in April and it was the first of those times that the baby was conceived. Oh my God, I'm an idiot aren't I? These things are hitting me as I'm sitting here typing this. He would get annoyed easily when I tried to talk to him. So we could never talk. You know, maybe he was planning on leaving anyway and I just saved him the trouble. I feel sick right now..

[lahnnabell]

A man that stays out till all hours getting drunk and not being able to recollect what he did is not ready for parenthood. Not at all.

I think he was freaking out and had no idea how to tell you, hence the sudden distance. Instead of maturely dealing with his mixed feelings, he chose to erase them by going out and getting drunk.

I don't think he really wants the life you two had planned. At least not right now. I'm sorry. Deciding to have a child out of wedlock incurs this type of risk. I get the feeling that while you would've married him in a heartbeat, you conceded to his wishes to remain unmarried because of whatever dramatic BS he dealt with in his last marriage. You need to develop some standards and hold to them. Don't flip-flop on your convictions just to keep a man in your life. It usually backfires anyway.

[Mish]

Sounds like the relationship was going down the drain so it's probably a good thing that he's not with you anymore.

What will you do after the baby is born? Adoption is one option on the cards.

[Teddy057]

Whenever your partner becomes distant and doesn't want to talk, that's a huge sign of immaturity. If they cannot express how they're feeling, what's the point of even trying to maintain a relationship with that person? Relationships take two people, both wanting to make it work. Unfortunately, one person usually stops wanting to work things out. They don't know how to make things keep going, so they run. Which your ex did. He couldn't face his fears and problems like a real man, so he booked it. You can take this as a whole learning experience, because that's all life is. You now know how important communication is, and how people can change overnight. Two things I've learned are to trust no one but yourself, and also to rely on no one but yourself, especially for happiness.