Is this reasonable??

[-D-]

I've been thinking.
I am the type of person who loves hearing compliments, hearing that I am appreciated, hearing the words "I love you", etc.
My boyfriend is not really into doing stuff like that. In the beginning he would say things like that to me, but we've been together 1.5 years now so I think he feels as though he doesn't have to anymore when it is really an important thing to me.

The thing is, he is gone a lot. He works one week off and then one week on. But lately he will work a week, take a week of overtime, and then work another week meaning we don't see eachother sometimes for 3 weeks to a month. It's hard, but I've gotten used to it. He is very good about calling me every day to talk, but there's nothing romantic about the calls.. nothing that makes up for the intimacy we would have if he were actually here with me.

I know he is not really like that. I have make remarks and comments regarding how I wish he would be more romantic, say sweet things to me but it doesn't really seem to click.

Is it fair for me to want this from him while he's away? Sometimes I just feel disconnected and like we are just two friends talking on the phone because there's no intimate aspect to it. No I miss you or I love you or I wish I was with you. Nothing like that. That's all I long for and it would make me happy if he MEANT it. But at the same time, what's the point in asking him to say these things? Would he really mean them then or would he just be doing it to make me happy?

Thoughts?

[silva]

I feel like this too. My bf and I aren't apart for weeks really, but we basically only see each other on weekends. We've also been together 1.5 years. I wish he would say I love you or something, but the best I get is a heart on MSN or Facebook. I need some kind of validation, and it seems like you do too. I don't know what to tell you since I feel like I have the same problem and I don't know what to do, but I know for me, it's getting to be very trying. And distance, I imagine, would make everything harder. Harder to stay close, harder to feel good about the relationship.

You are being reasonable in your desire to hear your bf loves you. Absolutely. And I understand totally about the not wanting to ask him to say these things, because you're right, you can't really know if he's just going to say it because he knows you want him to, and not necessarily because he wants to.

I feel like eventually, I'll crack, and things will either have to change, or we'll split. No point being with someone if you're constantly questioning their feelings for you. At the same time, my own fear or confronting him or saying anything may be making things worse?

[kitkitkitty]

how often do you say these things and expect an 'i love you too' back? he loves you but it can get annoying if someone's hinting at something over and over. you've been together long enough to know that you love each other. if it bothers you that much, talk to him and see what he says.

[-D-]

I feel like this too. My bf and I aren't apart for weeks really, but we basically only see each other on weekends. We've also been together 1.5 years. I wish he would say I love you or something, but the best I get is a heart on MSN or Facebook. I need some kind of validation, and it seems like you do too. I don't know what to tell you since I feel like I have the same problem and I don't know what to do, but I know for me, it's getting to be very trying. And distance, I imagine, would make everything harder. Harder to stay close, harder to feel good about the relationship.

You are being reasonable in your desire to hear your bf loves you. Absolutely. And I understand totally about the not wanting to ask him to say these things, because you're right, you can't really know if he's just going to say it because he knows you want him to, and not necessarily because he wants to.

I feel like eventually, I'll crack, and things will either have to change, or we'll split. No point being with someone if you're constantly questioning their feelings for you. At the same time, my own fear or confronting him or saying anything may be making things worse?

I feel like eventually I will crack, too. I mean, I don't think I actually have to question how he feels about me. He has told me he loves me before (just not often or lately) and he did send me flowers the other week just because and he said "pretty flowers for a pretty girl" so I know he cares about me. But I hate that I want to hear it. I am scared that confronting him will only push him away. I can't imagine it would make things better.

[-D-]

how often do you say these things and expect an 'i love you too' back? he loves you but it can get annoying if someone's hinting at something over and over. you've been together long enough to know that you love each other. if it bothers you that much, talk to him and see what he says.

I would say I love you to him every day, but I don't think he would want that. He's not really that type. It doesn't even have to be I love you, although I would really like that.. even something telling me he's missing me or thinking of me, you know? Cause I'm thinking of him. I used to be very sweet and tell him how lucky I am or send him a <3 text... but he will either joke and ask me if I have been drinking or won't really say anything like that back. So I've given up on initiating it because although I mean what I'm saying to him, it hurts that he doesn't reply in the same way. And I know we just have different ways to show our love, neither right or wrong. But I feel like I've been adapting to his way to please him and would appreciate the same from him, you know.. cooperation.

Also, I can see how it could get annoying to have someone hint something over and over. But I honestly don't think he even notices that I do it. Eventually I will have to talk to him about it or I'll explode.

[rain.man]

I would say I love you to him every day, but I don't think he would want that. He's not really that type. It doesn't even have to be I love you, although I would really like that.. even something telling me he's missing me or thinking of me, you know? Cause I'm thinking of him. I used to be very sweet and tell him how lucky I am or send him a <3 text... but he will either joke and ask me if I have been drinking or won't really say anything like that back. So I've given up on initiating it because although I mean what I'm saying to him, it hurts that he doesn't reply in the same way. And I know we just have different ways to show our love, neither right or wrong. But I feel like I've been adapting to his way to please him and would appreciate the same from him, you know.. cooperation.

Also, I can see how it could get annoying to have someone hint something over and over. But I honestly don't think he even notices that I do it. Eventually I will have to talk to him about it or I'll explode.

Why does it have to involve adapting at all? Show him you care the way you are comfortable, and let him do the same. You guys don't have to both follow the same method for the messages to get across. You just have to be able to recognize the method your SO is using.

[kitkitkitty]

please try not to explode. or talk to him when you're on your period.

[-D-]

please try not to explode. or talk to him when you're on your period.

Haha, okay I won't.

I guess the hardest part is even if I wanted to talk to him about this, he's away all the time and I'd rather not talk about it on the phone or through text. Ah, I know you're right that we're each just using our own methods. But I still have this longing for him to be romantic with me at least a bit while he's away. Otherwise it feels like two friends just talking on the phone. When we're togther things feel better, though.

[kitkitkitty]

it may simply be because he's busy when he's away- it's the reaon he's gone right? i agree he should find time to reply but he must be so stressed at times y'know? i'm not sticking up for him, it's just a different angle on this.

[-D-]

it may simply be because he's busy when he's away- it's the reaon he's gone right? i agree he should find time to reply but he must be so stressed at times y'know? i'm not sticking up for him, it's just a different angle on this.

You're right, he is busy. I mean he's working 12 hours a day, 7 days a week. It's not that he doesn't reply though, I know for a fact that he has time at work. It's just that he doesn't reply in the way I'd like him to, you know?

I don't know, maybe I'm being too picky and selfish.
What I wouldn't give to have him randomly text me, tell me I'm amazing and that he loves me. I want to do the same to him but he just doesn't want that like I do. I scored "words of affirmation" on the love languages test. The other ones were like.. gifts, physical touch, etc. - just different ways people need and give affection.

[-D-]

I probably just need to become more confident and then I wouldn't need validation from him.