Is this how relationships should be?

[ShannonMI]

I posted a thread earlier about my ex boyfriend and how he still wants to be friends and wanting to understand his intentions. I also have a question about some of his beliefs about love and relationships. Are they realistic? I, personally don't think so, but I need some more opinions.

My ex seems to believe that a relationship shouldn't change over time. It should stay in the passionate, butterflies, giddy, super lovey dovey stage through out the entire relationship. The feelings you feel in the beginning, when you first meet are what I'm talking about. I tried to tell him that ALL relationships change with time. They evolve. You do feel those intense feelings in the beginning. Over time you grow to love each other, grow comfortable with each other and those intense "new relationship" feelings fade. It's not a bad thing by any means. After 8 years of being with my boyfriend, we moved on from those intense initial feelings to comfort and a deeper love and commitment. He wasn't happy with that. That is one of the reasons we broke up. He was missing those exciting, new feelings. I tried to tell him that his view on long term relationships was not realistic. Am I right? I even went as far as emailing him articles on the stages of love. Articles that proved what I was saying to him. He discounted them by saying not everyone's relationship changes. It's not like my ex and I weren't physically attracted to each other through out those 8 years we were together. We were. He's just looking for the super exciting feelings you feel with a new person. And he wants them to last forever. I say GOOD LUCK BUDDY! He'll always be searching. Every relationship waxes and wanes. It goes through stages. Please give me feedback on this topic! Have any of you experienced the type of relationship my ex is talking about? A never changing one? Thanks!

[girl68]

No, it always changes for the better. Half the excitement is getting to know eachother, and wondering about them. However I still get some butterflies, as well as a little giddy too. It's rare and usually on special occasions but it does happen.

I wish him goodluck. He won't find it.

[Teddy057]

Not at all. In the beginning, it's all crazy sex and those butterflies for awhile. Then, the relationship settles down and you truly start to love one another. Who knows, maybe he'll find someone who can make it last forever. Wish him luck, he'll for sure need it.

[nerdy_guy]

It's like buying something that you really like, you start out all giddy, wanting to use it/play with it then all of a sudden, you feel settled when you've learned how it works. That doesn't mean you'll throw it away after that. I wonder how many women he'll go through in his life if he never changes that attitude. I do have a feeling however, that one day, he'll be tired of adjusting to different women and start to think back as to how comfortable his relationship was with you. At that point, you'll be back here to ask if you should take him back or not.

[ShannonMI]

Hahahaha yes perhaps you're right. I want to move on from this relationship, but I still love him and if he wanted me back, I would probably take him back. I don't want to hold out hope, but I can't help myself. Maybe in a few months I won't feel like EVER taking him back. Who knows. Regardless of that, I'm sure he'll be in for some bitter disappointment when he comes to realize his ideal realtionship is a fantasy. Thanks for your feedback

[kitkitkitty]

again, it's a lot about habit forming. you get into a routine that you like so it's hard to see a light at the other end of the tunnel. things never stay the same forever, if he can't accept this you can't do much about it, sorry.

[nov13]

I'm glad you brought that up because this is what it all comes down to.

No, it's not a fantasy - it is possible. There have also been studies done where it was shown that people can still be crazy in love (honeymoon phase) after a long time I believe it was 40+ years and still retain and even intensify their feelings. And others that were over in 2-4 years and shorter. So it really depends on the relationship. Is it rare? Yes. Possible? Yes.

I strongly disagree with nerdy_guy about compairing a relationship to a new toy. A relationship is nothing like a toy. That's precisely why many people's relationships resemble a toy and do not last. A relationship is nothing to toy with (pardon the pun).

If you knew you had the most expensive painting in the world, would you ever stop appreciating it's value? This again is not a good example as it's materialistic in nature and can not compaire to what love can give you, but it's intention is to give you at least some idea of value.

If your relationship is the most important thing to you, it will only get better and more intense. Yes, more intense. I know most people do not believe that, and they will get what they believe.

If you value your realtionship immensly, you will automatically work your hardest for it and the product of that will be something you've never experienced before. You will not be able to comaire it to anyhthing else or ever marginalize it. You will feel like you have the most valuable commodity (for a lack of a better word) in this world.

As I've mentioned before, your relationship should not complement your life, it should be your life. It all comes down to how important something is to you. That's how you prioritize. And your life is a product of that.

[xxazurexx]

your relationship should not complement your life, it should be your life.

I disagree.

Your relationship should be your priority, but not your sole existence....there is a difference.

[therealjag]

hey there,

my gf and i went through a very similair thing. she would always say to me that she wants the love to be like that always and that we should always 100% be lovey dovey all the time. After the 4-5 month stage is actually where our problems began because I started to slow it down a bit and she took this as me being cold and couldnt trust me anymore...basically from then on our relationship has been a nightmare but no matter how many times i tell her, i do still love her...its just that initial stage never lasts forever! - have to get back to reality and remember your friends and family that you end up ignoring during that 4-month stage...

Jag

[nov13]

I disagree.

Your relationship should be your priority, but not your sole existence....there is a difference.

And that's precisely why you will have the relationship you have.

You obviously have a very limited view of what a relationship is. So, you and a lot of others that read your statement will see relationship as very limited, and already perceive it as such. So you could never understand how a relationship can be the center of your life.

If you don't know the value of something, you cannot comprehend the means to possess it.

[vashti]

nov13, i see you posting all kinds of nonsense (especially in the pedophile thread). How old are you, anyway?

[nov13]

Pedophile thread? You have serious mental issues if you think that a man talking to his 17 year old practically daughter is being a pedophile.

You throw words around like that at people very carelessly and you will be judged just as harshly, don't think you'll get away with it.

[vashti]

That wasn't HIS 17 year old.

You must be very young, and obviously, childless.

[ShannonMI]

"If you knew you had the most expensive painting in the world, would you ever stop appreciating it's value?"-nov13

Who says you stop appreciating the value of your relationship just because you move from the intense love and physical stage that happens in the beginning into the next phase? You come to value it even more, I think. You have intense feelings, but they aren't the intense physical feelings as much as the intense emotional feelings. You move from the infatuation, lovey dovey physical phase into the love and deep commitment phase. I don't agree with Nov13 at all.

"If your relationship is the most important thing to you, it will only get better and more intense. Yes, more intense. I know most people do not believe that, and they will get what they believe."- nov13

Yes it does get more intense, but in a deep love sort of way. You become more committed to each other. Its not all about sex and crazy butterflies like it is in the beginning. Its about a deeper love and respect for one another. The honeymoon phase just doesn't last forever. And anyone who wants it to will be disappointed.
Relationships evolve and that is just the way it is. And it certainly isn't a bad thing.

[cancankant]

I think you experience sparks of that giddy, "honeymoon" love from time to time. I know I have, and I've been married 12 yrs now and together with my husband for 14 yrs. To expect it to be like when we were first dating is a bit of a stretch. Honestly, why would I want that? My husband and I have grown as people, gotten over hurts caused both internally and externally and stuck together through it all. It's not the same because it isn't the same! I am a more grown up person than I was at 25, so I am different. He has changed as well, and in most ways, it's for the better.

I like how Dan Savage (Savage Love) talks about relationships being about "the price of admission". We learn what is and isn't acceptable to our partners, and we can make a choice to go with that flow or work against it. Of course, the more things we do with our partner that follow that flow, the better things are going to be. The more things we do that rub our partner the wrong way, the less happiness the couple will have. It's about achieving balance. Of course, some couples are just more naturally attune with one another, and others need to work at it a little more. I would expect those people who are very much "two peas in a pod" would have the greatest success in maintaining the puppy dog love.

So were you and your BF extremely compatible or did you fight about small things, have very different views on religion, politics, family life, etc.? I think that the joy of a relationship is that you learn how to please another person and yourself. You find compromise. Maybe that isn't sexy, but it's a good start.