Moved into a 1 bdrm with GF...her sister comes to stay for 1-3 months on day ONE!

[N8oftheart]

Actually, my gf told her to come before we even had a place, and she didn't bring it up with me first.

I moved to SF a year ago and completely fell in love...with the city and with my gf, who I met there. She already had plans to move to NYC for her career, so we just took it one day at a time. Eventually I decided I would just tag along and see how it went. After all, things were going great, I can work from anywhere, and I always wanted to experience living in NYC. As everybody reminded me, nothing is set in stone.

Her family is Vietnamese (I'm white). Her mom was a little standoffish about me at first, but for some reason seemed to warm up a bit when she heard I was going with her daughter to NYC. She even invited me to stay in the house for the last month we were in CA so I could save on rent. I was surprised, but I took that as a good sign. Well a week or 2 into it, my gf's ex (and her mother's favorite...he happens to be Vietnamese as well) showed up at the door to give her some of her stuff back. They broke up a year ago. Without a mention of me being in the house at all, and knowing how much her mom and him liked each other, my gf told him to go visit her mom at work. At that point I knew he would be coming to dinner. I just assumed that I would be there as well.

Her mom calls me and tells me that my gf should stay and I should LEAVE so that he can come for dinner and be with the family again. SERIOUSLY. My gf (thankfully) was furious, and dragged me out of the house so the rest of them could eat without her having to feel awkward. After dinner her mom yelled at her for not being there. Her sister told her she should have been there as well.

Speaking of her sister, she left her job and place in LA and moved back home 3 days after I got there...from out of nowhere. A week before we left, her sister and her had an emotional blowout (much of which was in Vietnamese) and she laid a huge guilt trip on my gf about being a bad daughter and sister and friend....brought her to tears. They were both in tears. It seemed very unhealthy and I was glad to get out of there.

So here we are, finally out of their house and bouncing around NYC while we look for a place in the summer heat. What I didn't know was that even though we didn't have a place yet, my gf had told her sister it was OK to come for 1-3 months. We finally found a place, and it turned out her sister was coming on our move in day.

Now, we don't have any stuff. ANYTHING. No furniture, no food, no supplies. On top of this of course was the stress of moving across the country and locating a job and a place, not to mention also moving into together for the first time. And the heat and humidity, which to somebody from SF is certainly worth mentioning. Now we have a place in NYC. Guess what that means? It's small (one bdrm). AND TO MAKE MATTERS WORSE, I WORK FROM HOME.

Well when I mentioned that this was a horrible time (and duration) for her sister to come, I was met with anger. Now I was being ridiculous. I asked what the emergency was....we had just been with her sister for weeks. She didn't bring it up with her sister and I was just forced to be OK with it. I wasn't, and I worried (knew, actually) that this added stress would probably break us. After being made to feel like I was totally overreacting for a week or two, I just decided to leave my brand new place (which we hadn't moved into yet) and go stay with my parents in DC for the majority of the month. That way I could try to get some work done and hopefully they could just put the place together themselves. I knew that 3 people there for that process (all the time) was just a bad idea. I'm quite good at making the most of situations, and I knew I needed to sell my car in DC anyway. This seemed to work, though I was frustrated that I would be leaving the brand new place I had worked so hard to get us into. I came to terms with it.

However, her sister finally started to realize that I wasn't too happy about it, and called my gf crying about how she was going to pay $200 and push the date back. I didn't mention or insist on this, but I have to tell you I thought it was a great idea, and wondered what they were waiting for. I asked when she was pushing the date back to, and she said "the 11th". The 11th? We could even move in until the 3rd or 4th!! Sometimes the logic these 2 employ just baffles me. I said if she was going to pay the money she could at least choose a sensible date...as in after we've SETTLED. Isn't this what adults do?

Nope. Her mom, her, even a few of her friends. They think I'm some ridiculous asshole who hates the family and isn't good for her. They don't have much respect for me, that's pretty obvious. Despite that, I was very polite and cordial with them always.

My gf and I have a mutual friend who she also told to come stay with us, though thankfully after we've settled. I guess she was supposed to stay for at least a month as well, while she looks for a place. It seems my gf wants to run a free hostel in our little place/my office...in the most expensive city in the country. When our friend heard that it's not a good idea to stay for too long she threw a fit and started bad mouthing me to her sister, creating this big family shitstorm. Now her mom knows that I think she's crazy, me being so upset about what she did to me and venting to my friend.

I just can't believe these people.

Am I wrong to think you should ask your significant other before bringing ANYBODY to come visit for a huge chunk of time?

Am I wrong to think it's a bad idea to have emotionally explosive family stay for a month starting DAY 1 of you moving into a tiny new place - where your significant other also happens to work??

Even though her sister was furious about me saying things about her mom, she herself couldn't wait to get out of the house so she could escape her. While living at home, their mom makes both of them cry quite often. In fact, part of me worried that her sister didn't have much motivation to leave here when it was time to return home!

So even though I came to terms with it and was heading to DC, her sister changed the ticket for "just" 2 weeks, and she didn't arrive until the 19th. She hated me even more for it, and I knew it would happen. I didn't tell her to do anything, and I had already found the only solution that seemed to work for everybody and came to terms with it. That was all on her, and it really sent me over the top.

So I ask you, is it OK to feel the way I have? Is it a cultural thing? Their family has no boundaries, and she admitted that she can't say no to her sister. I feel like it was good that I put my foot down and voiced my opinion; it's just hard to be made to feel like an asshole for being upset about something that I feel was just plain wrong and was forced into.


I know the importance of family, and was fully supportive of her family coming to visit at and for a reasonable period of time. My family operates sooo differently. With or without in laws, we have a 5 day max that is always self imposed by the guest. Emergencies are a different story. We love our space, and don't think there's anything wrong with that. The fact that nobody seemed to be thinking about ME in this situation made me really worry for the future, and it's made the here and now that much more ugly.



Please let me know your take on this!

- End Of My Rope, NYC

[lahnnabell]

How long were you and your girlfriend together before you decided to make this giant move?

I'm guessing not long enough. During this whole time you've gotten a solid look at how her family operates, and none of it is appealing to you thus far. I can also assure you that it won't change anytime soon.

[IncognitoSir]

Oh HELL NO! Man, don't let any of them manipulate you like this. First red flag was the ex bf situation. Bottom line, her mom is AGAINST you.....and yes it's mostly because you're white. As far as I know, the Vietnamese people prefer to date and marry within their own race. Your gf is too weak to stand up to her family and culturally speaking she will always put her family before you or herself for that matter. Personally, I wouldnt be able to deal with it. You going to be constantly forced to do things against your own will. Her sister came to leave with you guys JUST to get away from her MOM. They're playing REALLY dirty. My advice.....abandon ship ASAP. It's not worth it and to be honest you'll probably never be happy in this relationship as long as her family is involved......and they will always be involved.

[rain.man]

Man, that's one f***ed up family.

To answer your question, my rule has always been: anyone staying more than a weekend requires the okay from *everyone* living there (mostly applied back when I had roommates in college) or they don't stay at all.

[erik]

lol man, you should write a movie script based on this, you poor bastard!

seriously, **** these stupid people, they bring a mentality from a country that failed them to a country that works and they expect you too change for being nothing but a typical responsible American. **** THEM

[vashti]

I think this is a cultural matter.

I know a lot of people who have visitors from other countries that stay too long. I think the space and privacy expectations are different for non-Americans.

My own rule is longer than a week requires rent paying.

[N8oftheart]

Thanks guys. I should clarify a few things. Her family is not very "typical" Vietnamese...not too traditional. Lots of in-laws from different races. Still though, her mom loved her ex because he understood all the cultural things that I don't. He put up with all her crap and was really sweet to her. I have too much of a backbone for that. If she can't be respectful to me I won't go out of my way to be respectful to her. Being able to communicate fully with her ex must be a big plus as well. Her English is not great. I'm sure her mom liked that fact that if the two of them ever had kids their culture would be preserved. I can't imagine what it must feel like to have such a strong culture and watch your kids marry it away.

As for making the "giant move"...I really didn't look at it that way. I have traveled around the country quite a bit the last few years. I have few possessions and love new experiences. The move didn't require much preparation - mentally or physically. I thought I'd give it a shot.

I just don't know what to do about her family. Her and I do really well aside from the issues with them. I do see behaviors that are worrying from time to time, a big one being that whenever she wrongs somebody and starts to feel bad about it, she twists it around and puts it on whoever has been wronged. Like how I was the jerk for not being OK with her family staying with us right away. I know deep down she totally knew it was wrong, but couldn't just humble herself and admit it. So she fights it. Anything, always. And right away. The only way things change is me telling her I'm done with the relationship. Then she says everything she should have said right away. I told her I can't break up with her every time I need her to do the right thing. Her sister does the same thing...she started feeling bad about her timing (eventually) and spent the extra $200 to fix the situation. She hated me for "making her" do it. Another perfect example of exercising poor judgment and then twisting it to put it on me. They will not let themselves feel bad about anything. I just want them to do the right thing.

[lahnnabell]

As for making the "giant move"...I really didn't look at it that way. I have traveled around the country quite a bit the last few years. I have few possessions and love new experiences. The move didn't require much preparation - mentally or physically. I thought I'd give it a shot.

I just don't know what to do about her family. Her and I do really well aside from the issues with them. I do see behaviors that are worrying from time to time, a big one being that whenever she wrongs somebody and starts to feel bad about it, she twists it around and puts it on whoever has been wronged. Like how I was the jerk for not being OK with her family staying with us right away. I know deep down she totally knew it was wrong, but couldn't just humble herself and admit it. So she fights it. Anything, always. And right away. The only way things change is me telling her I'm done with the relationship. Then she says everything she should have said right away. I told her I can't break up with her every time I need her to do the right thing. Her sister does the same thing...she started feeling bad about her timing (eventually) and spent the extra $200 to fix the situation. She hated me for "making her" do it. Another perfect example of exercising poor judgment and then twisting it to put it on me. They will not let themselves feel bad about anything. I just want them to do the right thing.

Well, the move clearly required more preparation than you thought. Lesson learned, right? I hope so. I almost moved back home to be closer to my boyfriend who is moving to the East coast. After suddenly getting the promotion I'd been working so hard for, I decided to stay. I also have realized in the last week since making that decision that I should stay. Not just for the job, but also for the sheer fact that his decision to move had nothing to do with me. He said he would've stayed if I wanted him to, but I really don't see him staying and being happy here, and I can't be his only source of happiness in this world. He's gotta go and find out what he wants.

And her habit of deflecting blame will not change unless she completely understands why she does it, and what she's going to do to fix it. I can imagine communicating all of these things is rather difficult with the language barrier. You're in for a rough ride with all this stuff in the way of you guys progressing in your relationship.

[N8oftheart]

One more thing worth mentioning...she was born here, and in many ways is more "white" than me...

Her mom left Vietnam when she she was in her teens.

[lahnnabell]

One more thing worth mentioning...she was born here, and in many ways is more "white" than me...

Her mom left Vietnam when she she was in her teens.

This has absolutely no relevance whatsoever.

[7sins]

Incognito: Being Viet myself, I am insulted by your post. Not really, but do you really think that, you're from America, im sure their are alot of interracial relationships.

Lahna: I think their is abit of relevance to what he is saying. His gf is conflicted, I am similar to her born in a western culture, but parents are clinging on to their culture. thing i hate most about Viets or asians in general is the guilt trip parents put on their kids. "omg you dont listen to me, then they put on the tears" I just leave when my mum does that.

My point is. Unless your gf can make up her mind, you should leave, asian women are great if you meet the right one, but if you dont, they will make your life hell, but i guess thats just women in general. Your gf prob wants her privacy as well, but cant really say no to family. Unlike western family who understand their childs need for privacy asians dont.

my life eg... im 24, few days ago i just got out of the shower and was in my room drying myself off. My mum walks in doesnt knock. I cover up and i freak out "****en hell mum im drying myself go away", to which she replies "i took care of you as a kid, their is nothing i havent seen before", then she skitz it at me for swearing, and calls me a rude child... she completely turned it around on me, and goes off...wtf?

[Indignant]

I think this is a cultural matter.

I know a lot of people who have visitors from other countries that stay too long. I think the space and privacy expectations are different for non-Americans.

My own rule is longer than a week requires rent paying.

in her defense:

1. Her family let him live with them for a whole month
2. Family is sacred, thus a sister staying requires no "OKs" from anyone
3. Would you really charge your family rent? Especially sister?

I mean seriosly, boys come and go, but family is forever.

[Petit Papillon]

One more thing worth mentioning...she was born here, and in many ways is more "white" than me...

Her mom left Vietnam when she she was in her teens.

If America would be any skin color, it would be rather red Europe white,Africa black etc etc ... You should rather say - she's more red than me

[Indignant]

If America would be any skin color, it would be rather red Europe white,Africa black etc etc ... You should rather say - she's more red than me

why red though?

[Petit Papillon]

why red though?

Indians ... Red faces