Moved into a 1 bdrm with GF...her sister comes to stay for 1-3 months on day ONE!

[Indignant]

i was gonna say brown and red for rednecks

[Petit Papillon]

Hahaha no As far as I remember, Indians are being called a red race .
And Rednecks ... It must be because they are working a lot in the field and get sunburn on their necks - BUT they cover most of their bodies so they get sunburn just on their necks in contrary to red faces. They used to run half naked and got permanent sunburn allover their body - face too of course :p

[doppelgaenger]

Yes, I'm a redskin, and we are the red race. Don't confuse us with the brownies or the blackies.

[Indignant]

i've always considered myself a brownie...

[doppelgaenger]

I can make you a whitie if you want.

[vashti]

in her defense:

1. Her family let him live with them for a whole month
2. Family is sacred, thus a sister staying requires no "OKs" from anyone
3. Would you really charge your family rent? Especially sister?

I mean seriosly, boys come and go, but family is forever.

My sisters are American; they wouldn't stay so long, nor would I. But I agree with your stance in general. That's why living in a house is better than living in an apartment. It's less squishy when visitors arrive.

[Petit Papillon]

Oh yeah, my bf's friend just left yesterday after 2 weeks of a stay at our flat... FLAT THAT HAS JUST ONE BEDROOM!!
I was irritated and rude towards him all 2 weeks long, but you can understand how uncomfortable it is to live 2 weeks like on a camp... I could clean up but it was dirty and messy 5 minutes after. The worst was when I was coming back from work and he was alone at our flat... WITH CLOSED WINDOWS .Jesus ,he wasn't smelling like flowers , so it was a disaster when I was back home... Well my brother is coming on saturday and stays with us 4 or 5 days... At least it's my brother and I will be able to tell him to KEEP MY ****ING FLAT CLEAN or I'll kill him He will for sure :p He's a clean guy,even takes shower 3 or 4 times a day lol

[LailaK]

This is cultural. I grew up around mostly Asians all my life. It's a completely normal thing for family to crash anywhere for however long they need to (whether there seems to be an emergency or not). Asian families are a lot more tight knit than American families and they can depend on each other for help more without any stigma being attached to it.

I think that you've offended her family on this one. Good luck getting back in to their good graces.

If you can't handle this situation you may not be ready for an inter-cultural relationship.

[Indignant]

When we first came to this country, a nice familyof 4 took our family of 4 into a 2 bedroom apartment for almost 6 months till we could get settled. my parents have always taken people in who were new to this country and had no place to stay.

[VincenzoG91]

Thanks guys. I should clarify a few things. Her family is not very "typical" Vietnamese...not too traditional. Lots of in-laws from different races. Still though, her mom loved her ex because he understood all the cultural things that I don't. He put up with all her crap and was really sweet to her. I have too much of a backbone for that. If she can't be respectful to me I won't go out of my way to be respectful to her. Being able to communicate fully with her ex must be a big plus as well. Her English is not great. I'm sure her mom liked that fact that if the two of them ever had kids their culture would be preserved. I can't imagine what it must feel like to have such a strong culture and watch your kids marry it away.

As for making the "giant move"...I really didn't look at it that way. I have traveled around the country quite a bit the last few years. I have few possessions and love new experiences. The move didn't require much preparation - mentally or physically. I thought I'd give it a shot.

I just don't know what to do about her family. Her and I do really well aside from the issues with them. I do see behaviors that are worrying from time to time, a big one being that whenever she wrongs somebody and starts to feel bad about it, she twists it around and puts it on whoever has been wronged. Like how I was the jerk for not being OK with her family staying with us right away. I know deep down she totally knew it was wrong, but couldn't just humble herself and admit it. So she fights it. Anything, always. And right away. The only way things change is me telling her I'm done with the relationship. Then she says everything she should have said right away. I told her I can't break up with her every time I need her to do the right thing. Her sister does the same thing...she started feeling bad about her timing (eventually) and spent the extra $200 to fix the situation. She hated me for "making her" do it. Another perfect example of exercising poor judgment and then twisting it to put it on me. They will not let themselves feel bad about anything. I just want them to do the right thing.

By now, you must have noticed that she is very close to her family. Realistically, they are always going to be a big factor in your relationship with her. You need to decide if you can tolerate a lot of future situations that are similar to the current one, and also if you can tolerate her blaming tendencies. I personally wouldn't like it and would break up with her over both the intrusive and meddling family and the blaming thing that she does, but that's just me. My girlfriend is also very close to her family, but she realizes that her family is fairly dysfunctional, so she keeps them away from me and from our apartment, and I really appreciate that.

[N8oftheart]

Ok, plenty more things to clarify.

I have been in multiculural (thought mostly with Asian women) relationships for the past 10 years. I'm not sure why, because as mentioned by somebody before, many times the control Asians have over their grown kids and the guilt and shame they put them through is too much for me to bear. I feel it's some kind of weird paradox in my life, that I'm attracted to women who's family is probably going to disapprove of me. I'm a very unconventional and independent person...highly value my individuality. Seems this doesn't mesh too well with a lot of Asian culture.

I just can't believe that somebody mentioned that family *never* requires approval...they can just come without consideration for the people who live there?? Family is sacred...and my family would never do this to us. Especially not with this kind of timing. This is not just my gf's place...not just her mother's place. This is OUR place. There are two of us. I want her to think of me as a roommate. A damn important one! Haha...

Boundaries had to be drawn, they need to have some respect. I am not Vietnamese, and her and I are in love. In America. If I can learn to eat chicken feet with chopsticks, they can sure as hell learn to show some respect for somebody from a "different" culture. I'm all for family visits...just keep it respectful, please.

[VincenzoG91]

Boundaries had to be drawn, they need to have some respect. I am not Vietnamese, and her and I are in love. In America. If I can learn to eat chicken feet with chopsticks, they can sure as hell learn to show some respect for somebody from a "different" culture. I'm all for family visits...just keep it respectful, please.

That sounds reasonable to me, but then I'm not the one you will be dealing with. From what you have described, her family is going to be around as much as possible, and they aren't going to get along with you. You should probably acknowledge that this is a dealbreaker and move on, then dig deep to figure out why you keep forcing yourself into this kind of relationship. Years ago, I went through a phase where I mostly just dated asian women, and ultimately none of those relationships really worked out. Maybe I was attracted to the exotic look, and once it became familiar, it wasn't as exciting, so I had to deal with the reality of each relationship. And each relationship wasn't that strong. Maybe if you can step back from having a "type," you can evaluate your relationship more realistically.