NewlyBroken is saying 'hello'

[NewlyBroken]

Hello, all of you
For the past 2 months I've been trying to cope with nasty broke up with my long- term b'friend but I'm confused and hopeless and because of this I simply can't move foward in my love life. Or maybe I don't want.
We spent 2,5 years tgether and few mnths ago decided to move in. We are different as we're from different cultures and there's 5 years age gap between but we share a lot in common and we've got similar childhood stories. We met at work and it was literally love from the first sight, what I never believed in, by the way.
2 months ago, after afternoon spent in Ascot on drinking and horse racing betting, we had some disagreement as I got lost in the crowd on our way back and he went stroppy. Then, in teh train I was crying like the ast idiot and we argued. Finally, he said that wasn't sure what he wanted in his life and I became so upset that told him better to **** off if deosn't know what to do after 2,5 years of awesome and hard working time. He got issed off, I was drunk, so was trying to find the way back to my place, where I'm still living. And since then I'm on my own.
I couldn't cope at th beginning at all- I didn't go to wok as was crying all nights and days and wasn't eating like some teenager- jeez, I'm 28 years old! I still can't belive, be honest. We've gone through some difficult times and had an awesome ones, like most of couples but some of them were really trying and we preserved together, so finally I started believeing that it's 'this thing', this guy etc. Sine broke up he wanted to meet but I knew he was feeling guilty and didn't want to be back to me, so I didn't meet him to make him feel better and calm his guilt. But this week, in the morning on the platform, waiting for the train to work I heard his voice-he was talking to someone- I turned around and saw him stading there with some girl. They're waiting for the train to work-by the look of her I assumed she was the new worker who joined his team few months ago. I was shaking insie as couldn't believe that he started sleeping with someone- I looked at him ad he did the same. Was looking so embarassed and became red on his face- I came closer and using the calmest voice I asked hm if it was this 'I don't know what to do in m life'. He answered that didn't want to talk about it on te platform- I answered to shut up and went along the platform to wait for the train. When I hit the door of my office I received text message from him saying that it's not this what I'm thinking, tat she's the colleague from work and they're not lovers or so. That they went out and she was drunk, s slept on his sofa. I simply didn't give the f8ck- yeah. But was so shaky inside that decided to solve the bl88dy issue at forever, so agreed to see him the same day. After work I met him in the pub, we had a few drinks and both of us were crying all time. We're talking about what happened, I finally had the chance to tellhim how dissapointed I was and how bad I feel. He said that can't be in relationship as doesn't know what he wants from his life and would like to leave England at forever (right- few months ago offered me to marry him if it happens he'll get contract in Florida...- good old times..). I asked him why he wanted to meet me- well, apparently he didn't know why. Told me that is missing me much and wanted to know how I was doing. And then, that I'm still so sexy and had the best sex with me and one of hte best holidays and short- term breakswith me in Barcelona and Paris....Right- nothing much then. But on our way back, he started cuddling me and when I was leaving the bus we kissed. I felt all this evening s comfortable with him, even he did what he did. Later in the evening we exchanged some text messages, and started flirting little bit. I remember when I was going ths evening to the pub I felt so excited for a moment, like I was going to have a date- like 2,5 years ago...
Why am I writing about it? Right, as I underlined at the beginning, I'm cnfused as don't know what to do- to fight and have him back or just give up and trying to forget. But I'm so jeallous becase of this girl. i feel physically sick when thinking that they sleep together. And remember that all evening in the pub he was asking who I was texting back or wh was trying to call me. It means was jeallous too or it's just a man thing to check the territory..
Any assumptions? As I think that simply can't have the clear picture of all situation as I'm too involved and too emotional.
My friends (male and female ones) are teling me that he's immature and maybe needs time to grow up....

[ShannonMI]

Did he actually sleep with this girl he works with? I know you are probably thinking they did, but maybe they didn't. I would give him some time and space and like your friends said he may have some growing up to do. He says he doesn't know what he wants to do with his life, so just give him some time to think about it. I wouldn't have any contact with him because if you do, it will be too hard on you. Hopefully he'll figure himself out, but in the meantime you need to do what you need to do for yourself.

[NewlyBroken]

'ello

He says he didn't.

Yeah, probably it's true. When we're in touch he's talking to me like to a friend, not a person who had an intimate realtionship with. I feel then like was slapped in my face. But I'm not telling him how much I love him or so as it's pointless and it could only to push him away even more.
I mss him so much and i'm trying not to think about it by making myself busy all time- I'm going early to work ad staying after hours, at home after work I simply go to bed as i'm tired but befre I cry and manage to fall asleep somehow as all day of hard work in the office and emotional mess are making me exhausted. But hot to stop missing and how to stop killing myself by thoughts that he has someone.
My previous relationships weren't deep as I never manage to trust- well, my finace was sleeping with other woman, then the other one was dating with other girls the same time, this guy was faithful and I manage to believe that actually I can trust him.
I'm leaving South London where we both are living- there's the chance that the change of location is going to push away memories. But this jeallousy makes me feel sick. and it worries me as I'm not a person who can become obessed about someone. I'm going out with my friends a lot and trying to meet the new people.

[NewlyBroken]

I'm convinced now that it's over now as his messages and e- mails are 'dry', so what's the point. For me it's obvious that he's now with co- worker- funny thing is we started from office affair too (but not working together anymore as it was a nightmare), so the story starts from the beginning. But he did the same thing with his other long term g'friend- after 7 years he dumped her. I thought I was going to be different. Well, he won't be happy in his life. I'm angry but hey, my life is on. I trusted someone finally and paid high price but the time it doesn't have to be like that at all.
I'm fed up with going through this over and over again, so finally I'm saying 'goodbye' and forgetting as can't stand the pain. Not easy but the best solution.
I'm moving out in a month,so wouldn't have to face the memories while travelling home from work. I do feel sorry for leaving this but that over- the door is closed. I don't dare to open it again. God, no!

[NewlyBroken]

P.S. I'm doing rght, am I?

[NewlyBroken]

Right, now I need some advise how to control this shakiness insde. I know he's going out between our friends with this girl from owrk. And he said last Wednesday that they might end up together. It makes me hearthache. How to calm it down? I feel aggressive insde and nervous, shaky.
Any suggestions?

[ShannonMI]

Well, I know exactly how you feel. My boyfriend of 8 years dumped me 3 months ago and it's still a struggle everyday. I think about him all the time and I miss him like crazy. What you are feeling is totally normal. You really loved this guy, but it didn't work out. It's so crushing. My ex is acting the same as yours. Just wants to be my friend and doesn't show any "love" type feelings toward me. It kills me inside because I thought he had tremendous love for me. He always said he did. I still feel a lot of love for him, but he just doesn't anymore, I guess. If he does, then he is hiding it very well. I have since stopped all contact with him because it's way too painful. I suggest you do the same thing. Moving is a great idea also. It will help you move on and you will meet new people and build new memories in a new place. It's great that you have the opportunity to move. I wish I did. And your feelings of jealousy are totally normal as well. You have had issues in the past with boyfriends cheating so the jealousy is completely understandable. Just don't let it take over. You'll be ok. Moving will help this because you probably won't ever run into your ex and his new girlfriend. You won't have to see them together. I live in a small town in NY State and I'm always scared I'm going to run into my ex with a girl. It's something I worry about, but I have to just deal with it. I can't just hide in my house and not live.

My ex says he wants to be friends with me, but I told him no way. I can't go from these deep love feelings I have to being friends with him. We also had a dog together and he wants to see the dog. I took him when we split up. At first I let him see the dog, but then I had to put an end to that because I couldn't deal with the contact all the time. My ex wants me to contact him when I'm ready to be friends and let him see the dog. He's going to be waiting a very long time. Possibly forever! He plays games as well which is really annoying. He was supposed to drop off my things at my new house and I emailed him a list of all my belongings. He dropped off all of it except the most important thing on the list. My passport! I'm not traveling anytime soon, but it's still something I'll need eventually. Not bringing it is like his way of playing a game with me. Men can really be idiots! He's using my passport as a way to make me contact him. I know I should have just gotten all my things from his house when we broke up, but I left quickly because I was so upset and I didn't want to step foot back inside his house. I figured he should collect all my things anyways because he's the one that wanted to end the relationship. He should do all the work. That was probably stupid of me, but that's how I was feeling at the time. I was totally blindsided and devestated by breakup.

I completly know how you are feeling. It's hard, but you will get through it. Moving will help a lot. Keep me posted!

[NewlyBroken]

Right. It's been a week since I vowed my resolution about shutting the door to my broken relationship with Alex.
Lucky me as I'm so busy at work that I simply don't have any time to think about it. Also, I've been looking for a new place, so every evening after work I was going for veiwings. What happened: I got the new place- not studio flat but a room in a house where landlady lives downstairs and one guy is renting bedroom upstairs. Affordable and will help me to save lot of money for travels and other things to enjoy my new, single life. This weekend is bank holiday, so I made myself sure I'm busy as last year the same time I went with my ex to Paris, so I desperately needed people around me now to not to think about it. Yesterday I went to Soho to enjoy mad night and had really good fun. As I don't have many friends, my options for today are reduced to taking still current housmate for a drink but it's like cuddling past as he's Alex friend. So, it was a mistake. This morning I was so close to cry while having a shower as I remembered all weekends when we were getting up hangover and just enjoying chilling up after mad night party... And I reminded myself that actually her girl is doing the same thing now, not me. But I have to survive this weekend as I simply don't have a choice. The next difficult time will be 23rd September when his b'day is. and I've already made plans for that weekend- my friend is coming to London and we'll go for all night party to get drunk and wasted and just enjoying the moment. No time for grieve then.
I wish I had more friends as the current sitation would be more bearable- I'm trying not tothink about it as it makes me feel down and still jeallous about his new fling. But what's the point to to this? So, I need to engage myself in something new to make new friendships.
Everyone around is telling me that it will pass and I'll be happy with mself again and I think as everyone is saying this then it must be true... So, leaving South London for good is the first step as in the new place I'd have no memories related with Alex. What follows, less opportunities to be a masochist.
I don't think so if I could to be with someone now but I wouldn' mind to know that there's someone interested in me (well, in more than sex only).
But if I keep chin up all time I won't go deep down into the bucket of bursting pain and sorrow. Am I right?

[ShannonMI]

Yes you'll be ok! Moving will be a new beginning for you. I wish I could do the same. I just found out yesterday that my ex is dating someone else. It hurts pretty bad. I cried a lot when I found out. She's 8 years younger then him and 11 years younger then me. She's a college kid. He's reverting back to his college years. Going out to the bars all the time and dating this girl. I'm so disgusted with him. I wish I could tell him off. Tell him what a piece of shit he is. He's living the good life, fu*king this girl, while I'm miserable, going to therapy and taking anti-depressants. How is this at all fair? I hate him so much. I wasted 8 years of my life with him. I thought everything was good in our relationship. He said he had changed and we weren't right for each other and he dumped me. Is this 20 year old hes with right for him? Give me a break. I hope he gets burned and tries to come crawling back to me. If he does, I'm going to tell him to go to hell. He wants to be friends with me he says. Why would I EVER want to be his friend? After all the pain he has caused me. If he ever tries contacting me, he'll be told all of this. He makes me sick. I'm sorry, but I'm having a bad day. I have to vent!

[NewlyBroken]

Jeez... Shanon- I feel exactly the same. Poor you- big hug... I create in my mind sick thoughts like he's trying to be in touch with me as misses so much...
I update my Facebook website almost everyday with an awesome, super happy statements- and actually try to feel like these. That I can't wait to go out next weekend, that I plan to organise trip to Scotland and checking who's going to join me, etc. Just in case when he checs it will see that I don't mourn after him. Alex is dating with a girl from his office- she joined his team few months ago- and I remember when he was talking about her in this pub when we met the same day when I met them at the station n the morning... He was saying that her ears are big but it's cute as she looks like monkey... Jeez.. Like someone who's in love... I felt so sick then. I told him to stop as I was his monkey and all these stupid words which couples use.. Of curse I'd like him back as I still love him so much and probably would be able to forgive this fling but.. actually nothing would change- we would still seeing in the evenings at his place, still with hte same flatmate in the background, still doing the same things and we wouldn't move any further as he simply feels comfortable in his old place (where was living ith his long- term g'friend for 7 years, the it survived some short- term girls and his big love who dumped him after years- no reason given to me, and then it survived me for 2,5 years and now is the other girl..) and we wouldn't move anywhere- well, of course emotinally but I think the past still would be between us. But I don't have this chance anymore. I'd change a lot- I' be more independent socially and more proactive as there're my mistakes which I've done.
And this girlis younger than me to. Probaby a few years only but younger. It makes me feel like an old spinster. And we were working together too- it started in the same way... But what my and his firends are saying that actually he feels so guilty about our break up and never was able to be on his own as he can't cope with loneiness. So, she dumped her long term guy and he dumped me, so they feel like perfect for each other as know very well how they feel.
He wanted to be friends too but I told him to go to hell as I can't forgive him. I miss so much cuddles in the night and how he used to kiss me in my forehead when I was falling asleep and was telling me that I'm making him feel secure...Well, now the ther one has got all these things. My things. And this is why it's hurting me so much.
I just don't cope as I expected. I can't leave it.
Tonight I'm packing my books as have been postponing this as I just can't do it. I think I just don't want to slam the door but I have to as there's no choice. I'm telling mself every morning that it will pass. And ths is the only one hope for me at the moment.But when I was going back from the party this evening I felt so lonely as my firends went on their way and I was on my own waiting for the bus...
I told him last weekend that he's finished for me as has got smeone else. His answer sounded like I hurt him much and he keeps saying that nothing happened between him and her as they're just hanging around and that's all. But the same time underlined that it might be something between them in the future... Well, it's not me who's his monkey now. I just don't understand his behaviour. I think if I understood I could just let him go. But don't know how.
I know I'm not the perfect example but please, stop being in touch with him as the wound will never heal. I manged to do it and it costs a lot but I think is worth much more. Distract yourself- I now I'm lucky as I can move out but you also can do other things- just go and meet the new people- I'm trying. and it takes a lot of time. Focus on work, do overtime, even for free but do- at the end of the day you'll be so tired that will not have any chane to think about him before you fall asleep. It does help.
And no, it's not fair at all. I agree completely.

[ShannonMI]

Thank you for the encouraging words. It's just really painful right now. I was doing pretty good and now that I found out about this other girl, I feel like I'm back to square one. It just kills me that he gave up all that we had to be with a college kid. It makes me sick to my stomach. I honestly think a week before we even broke up, he was messing around with this girl. He was going out a lot, some nights not coming home and he was distant. I think something was going on. Up until the week before we broke up, everything was great with us. He must have met this girl and decided to just end our relationship. He gave the excuses that he had changed and we weren't right for each other and all that. It all happened so quickly that I know he was involved with this girl before he had the balls to actually end it with me. Maybe he was giving her a try before he actually dumped me. It makes me so sick. I feel like I don't know him anymore. He's been told by a mutual friend of ours, that I want absolutely nothing to do with him ever again and I want no more contact with him. He knows that I know all of it. He's a cheater and a liar. I just hope my pain goes away soon. It's driving me crazy.

[NewlyBroken]

Hello,

How are you ding, Shannon? Any better? Any light in the tunnell?
I'm missing him like crazy but there's not much I can do as he's having someone else, so she's probably his next 'big love'... I've been thinking to be in touch with him but what's the point? He'd probably tell me that he's fine and nothing else- it's me who's hopelessly in love and has broken heart, not Alex. He's being fine and will strat having great fun as his b'day will be in couple weeks- it's going to be a nightmare for me...No chance for anything with him again- what makes me cry almost every evening when I'm back from work- all day I'm laughing and being busy but before I fall asleep I just cry like an old cow... I'd like to get him back but there's no chance,so I'm this who's losing this game... I wish someone could give me a really good piece of advice (not only: forget about hm, move n etc.- as it doesn't help and I've done some changes: changed location- I'm living far away from my old place, planned trips, going out with frends- but at the end of party it's me who's going back home on my own..). What to do?

[ShannonMI]

Hello,

How are you ding, Shannon? Any better? Any light in the tunnell?
I'm missing him like crazy but there's not much I can do as he's having someone else, so she's probably his next 'big love'... I've been thinking to be in touch with him but what's the point? He'd probably tell me that he's fine and nothing else- it's me who's hopelessly in love and has broken heart, not Alex. He's being fine and will strat having great fun as his b'day will be in couple weeks- it's going to be a nightmare for me...No chance for anything with him again- what makes me cry almost every evening when I'm back from work- all day I'm laughing and being busy but before I fall asleep I just cry like an old cow... I'd like to get him back but there's no chance,so I'm this who's losing this game... I wish someone could give me a really good piece of advice (not only: forget about hm, move n etc.- as it doesn't help and I've done some changes: changed location- I'm living far away from my old place, planned trips, going out with frends- but at the end of party it's me who's going back home on my own..). What to do?

I'm alright. Just hanging in there. The only thing to do to get over it, is to just give yourself time. It's a painful process going through a breakup. I hope it doesn't take much longer. We just have to be patient and work through all the pain. There is someone better and more deserving of us out there. That's what I hang on to everyday. Then there are some days, I think I don't EVER want to date again. My emotions are all over the place. I just have to be kind to myself and I suggest you do the same thing. Just keep doing what you're doing and it will all work out.

[NewlyBroken]

Well, sounds reasonable and easy... I wouldn't mind to start date with someone- but I'd like to be more emotionally independent than the last time... Hmmm... Sounds like learning from mistakes..
Why do you sometimes think that don't want to date with anyone again? Because he was 'the one'? Or because no one else will be such a great person as he used to be? You're changed, so someone else could be like a fresh spring rain...

[ShannonMI]

Well, sounds reasonable and easy... I wouldn't mind to start date with someone- but I'd like to be more emotionally independent than the last time... Hmmm... Sounds like learning from mistakes..
Why do you sometimes think that don't want to date with anyone again? Because he was 'the one'? Or because no one else will be such a great person as he used to be? You're changed, so someone else could be like a fresh spring rain...

Sometimes I feel like I don't want to date because I don't want to get hurt again. I did think my ex was "the one" and now I know that isn't the case. I gave my heart and soul to him for 8 years and he left me. He actually cheated on me the week before he even told me he wanted a break. How will I be able to trust again? He was someone I trusted with my life and he betrayed me. It going to take a lot for me to ever give myself to anyone again. We shall see, I guess. I'm just giving myself as much time as I need. I'm not rushing myself. I'm alright with being alone, so if I don't find anyone right away, I'll be fine with that.