Ex gets back in touch... what is my next move?

[Gavin]

My Ex got back in touch with me last week.... just two weeks after we last spoke and just two weeks after she had decided to enter into a new relationship!

This new relationship seems to be based on a poor foundation.... she actually met him before me (one date) but made the choice to start a new relationship with me instead. He then went back to his ex girlfriend who he had been with for a total time of 2.5 years before they split up again leaving him with some issues. Now he and my ex are together although the first few weeks were spent just as friends and as a shoulder for each other to cry on with nothing physical happening between them until later. It just doesn't seem to be a very good base to start with at all to me... and two weeks later she gets back in touch!

I know I'm babbling but this is the history which I guess you need to know... just so you know I always looked after my ex really well and provided her with support... we always used to go out and do stuff together at every opportunity - I don't feel she is getting this from her new boyfriend.

Anyway, she used a rubbish excuse to text me on the Tuesday to which I replied with a simple cool answer... then on the Thursday it was a full on computer conversation (messenger) that she again started - this is how it went.

The conversation started with her enquiring about my love life several times and she was full of praise... saying that it wouldn't be long until I had been snapped up etc. I said that I wasn't with anyone but had been dating etc... I said I needed time out. Anyway the conversation moved on and we were able to chat like old friends for a bit... she mentioned about me popping over her way to show her my new car when I get it etc... I later asked if she fancied popping over my way to which she complained that she had no money in which to make plans like that...

At this point I asked if her new boyfriend was supporting her and her response was a little defensive while also seemingly an attempt to make me jealous stating that he had said he would look after her and treat her like a princess! I praised what he had said and said how good it was but then she seemed to retract... saying that she would see and that it was still early days.

Now earlier in the conversation she had said 'I haven't been out out in ages' - I'm wondering why is this the case? Surely he should be taking her out places and doing things with her - why did she say this?

I actually regret the remainder of the conversation... I told her how he was better for her than me (due to distance) and said things had worked out for the best. I also mentioned this girl I had been dating and my ex was clearly jealous by her replies...

It ended fine... I had to go out to a meeting and I cut it short - at the end of the conversation she said 'speak soon xx'. I feel that I have screwed things up further.... I don't feel she is getting everything she wants from him and came to me hoping to have a different chat than the one that actually took place. It has all become games and she is the kind of girl to play them... I don't know what to do really... should I contact her and ask directly if she is happy?

My friends think it is a good thing that she is jealous... they feel that this will make her want me again because she will fear losing me for good and she knows we had a great thing going - that much I know is certain... it was the distance that killed us.

I still have feelings for her... I don't know what to do really - should I contact her again or wait for her to get in touch with me?

Please offer your advice - I have no idea what is in her head!

Gavin

[fi123]

I actually regret the remainder of the conversation... I told her how he was better for her than me (due to distance) and said things had worked out for the best. I also mentioned this girl I had been dating and my ex was clearly jealous by her replies...

I wouldn't worry about making her jealous, i think it's good to make women a little bit jealous in this situation (not good to make men jealous after a break up with this tactic tho - it eventually damages their ego and turns them off i think)


i think you spent far too long talking to her, you don't want her to think you're a pushover because she will not respect you and women aren't attracted to men they don't respect. And by "respect" in this sense i mean they're not attracted to men that don't stand up for themselves and be "manly".

However i think you can undo that slight bit of damage by waiting for her to contact you and then pretending to be unavailable perhaps by ignoring her initially. If she asks why you didn't get back to her straightaway you could say sorry i didn't get back to you straightaway i was busy with such and such.Then when YOU decide to contact her back only allow her a little bit of your time and keep the conversation away from talk about your feelings or the relationship, cut the conversation short at a point early on in it and pretend you have to go do something more important than talking to her ( i don't mean say it is more important imply that you can't talk to her now because you have to do blah blah blah and then say you will be in contact with her soon). And then...just don't contact her. If you play this game then you start to get your power back in the relationship between the two of you, and currently you have no power at all and you need some, if you are ever to get this relationship back on track. I know some people will say "oh you shouldn't play games" but let's face it they are necessary sometimes.

You need to do the push pull thing in the right manner and it will dial up her attraction to you no end. In other words maybe flirt a little with her and then immediately pull the plug and don't contact her for a few days, if this is done well for a while it really works.

[Gavin]

I acted in a nice way but firm manner... I certainly didn't wimp out and said that It was good she had found someone local!

The conversation didn't go on too long either and I was the one that cut it short just after I had made her jealous...

She was the one saying speak soon and leaving multiple kisses at the end... I left her wanting more - I did well I guess and will leave her to contact me once again.

I'm glad you think the jealousy thing wasn't a mistake... maybe if I had earlier in the conversation taken the chance to say yeah I will pop over one weekend - then her seeing me in the flesh and going out together would further sway things my way...

I guess the chance to still do that is there for the future anyway as she wanted to see me the other day, unless her new boyfriend has upped his game - who knows?

I have been told that highlighting the distance was bad... it once again reminds her of the reason we didn't work... the fact that I told her he was better for her than me... (she didn't respond - thus means she doesn't know) because he is closer is apparently another good thing as it pushes her further away from me, it's also saying that he is only better because he is more local. A female friend of mine said she would be gutted if an ex had said that to her.

I guess I just have to play it by ear... wait and see what happens next.

Gavin

[lovefool87]

She's dating someone else. Stop talking to her. If she wanted to be with you, she would be with you. A girl who always needs to be in a relationship (i.e. scoping out potential boyfriends while in a relationship) shouldn't be trusted anyway. There are plenty of awesome single girls out there, why don't you pay attention to one of them!?

[Gavin]

She's dating someone else. Stop talking to her. If she wanted to be with you, she would be with you. A girl who always needs to be in a relationship (i.e. scoping out potential boyfriends while in a relationship) shouldn't be trusted anyway. There are plenty of awesome single girls out there, why don't you pay attention to one of them!?

It's easier said than done... if you have happy experiences with that person and a past then its hard etc - nobody is all good or all bad.

I'm not talking to her.. she is now coming to me - I am over her enough to be friends (rare I think) and can do that, no point in just cutting someone out of your life forever if your on the same level - me and her click even after the relationship has ended...

[lovefool87]

I still have feelings for her... I don't know what to do really - should I contact her again or wait for her to get in touch with me?

Doesn't look like you are ready for a platonic friendship. Plus you giving us her history with this guy shows me how deep you are into her life, which is kind of weird. Leave her alone to have her relationship!

I don't think you would have appreciated her speaking to her ex when the two of you were dating. Not talking to her is being respectful for the person she is with.

[Gavin]

Doesn't look like you are ready for a platonic friendship. Plus you giving us her history with this guy shows me how deep you are into her life, which is kind of weird. Leave her alone to have her relationship!

I don't think you would have appreciated her speaking to her ex when the two of you were dating. Not talking to her is being respectful for the person she is with.

I am being respectful.... I have left her be... I have dates lined up etc... SHE IS THE ONE CONTACTING ME!

It puts me in a position because if I don't reply it is rude etc... or damages a future friendship or any second chance for us later on. Me and her have more history and it seems a deeper connection + our relationship was real and done properly from the start - not a sham, rebound situation like her new one.

Why should I just ignore her for the sake of someone I have never even met and who is clearly not treating her as well as I was... hence why she is obviously getting in touch!

Why should I do that?

In our convo my ex also mentioned about me coming over and me showing her my new car.... I bet her new bloke wouldn't be too happy about this either but I didn't say this - SHE DID!

[LailaK]

I wouldn't worry about making her jealous, i think it's good to make women a little bit jealous in this situation (not good to make men jealous after a break up with this tactic tho - it eventually damages their ego and turns them off i think)

Don't be silly. Women have egos that can be damaged by stupid games as well.

[Gavin]

making her jealous is fine... but with a long distance relationship problem? aint really worth to get her back.

I know but sometimes people just have something between them... she knows we do as well - even as friends whenever we talk on the phone it is there!

Not had it with someone else before... really we are soooo alike it can be scary - really really click together not like with anyone else before.

I will see what happens, I would take her back and give it another go.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Why would you give it another go, right now?

The problem of distance that separated you before has not changed.

[Gavin]

Why would you give it another go, right now?

The problem of distance that separated you before has not changed.

I will partially move to her, half a week there and half here. She created pressure by always insisting on a babysitter when it wasn't all necessary and I applied too much pressure to see her (my fault) - thus it can be different.

I have decided I want her back - if I can get her is another matter but I do think I have a chance.