should i break all contact?

[evicted]

I'd appreciate any advice, or help! and sorry but this ones gonna be long, but if you just read the last paragraph , the "bottom line".

Here is a little background:

Went out with my girlfriend for almost 3 years. 1st year of our relationship was picture perfect, we were in love, however, near the end of the 1st year, she moved away for 6 months, and we both worked hard to keep our relationship going and we did extremely well. so at around our 1 and three quarters of a year of dating, I began to not pay as much attention to her, I wasn't a GREAt bf (although i wasn't bad either). She was still great and i never doubted that she was fully in love with me. but she tried hard to keep our relationship going eventhough she felt as though i wasn't being as good as her.

anyways at the lowest point of our relationship almost at 2 and a half years. I was supposed to be going out with 2 of my friends, 1 of which was a girl that my gf did not like at all, because she was worried that , that girl liked me. To my luck, when i picked up the girl and was driving over to my other friends' place, he flaked. i went to the movies anyway (which was extremely awkward being just me and that girl..) I came home told her exactly what happened and explained that it was a horrible night. (btw she didn't want to go because that girl that she disliked was there) . After that we just went down hill, until we both mutually agreed to break up, because i wasn't fully dedicated to her, because i could not promise her marriage.

During this recent summer, (we always talk to each other) , she mentioned to me that she had developed a crush on this other guy, and that they had been in contact , texting each other. And she was wanted advice on how to proceed. ..... I was HURT! I understand that it might seem like it was jealousy, but it really wasnt. It was more of a realization of how much i actually loved, and still love her. i didn't want to lose her. And i explained it to her the next day.

She explained to me that she didn't know that i was in love with her still, and that i "finally" realized that i love her, and that she also still loved me. But from then on, she always seems distant, when i would want to talk to her she was always busy.

So basically she said that if i really love her, then i would have to prove it to her, and that it would take time for her to come around. She kept saying that she loves me and she wants a future with me, as long as i could build trust in her. I told her that if she loves me, then we should get together and we can work out everything, but well she didn't agree.

I just told her that if after all the stuff we've been through, through the good and the bad, if she could not commit to being my gf, it was understandable to me, but i just wouldn't be able to keep in contact with her because it would hurt me too much.

she cried and begged me to try and show her and give her more time to be able to trust me again, because she really did love me. She said that she wants a future with me, but is not yet ready to commit to being my gf again, because she has to build trust first.
(I don't know why she is telling me this, i mean as i saw it, if you love someone and you see a future with them , then there would be no reason to not commit to a romantic relationship. =/ is she just bs'ing me, because she is afraid to lose me as a friend? or do you think she is honest about her feelings. )

She agreed, that if i visited her for 2 days 1 night, and i could sweep her off her feet, that she would be my gf again. so i visited,and the visit went great! we both had alot of fun and were holding hands and we even cuddled at night on the same bed. but before i left the next day she explained that she still needed more time and that 1 day was not enough.

i seriously was like, are you serious!? i was really romantic throughout my visit... or at least so i thought..

i mean i wasn't really a good boyfriend to her, i didn't give her as much attention as she gave me. and thats how i supposedly hurt her.
Now she keeps telling me that I have to build trust back in her, by "wooing" her and by acting like a good boyfriend even though im not her bf.

btw, i asked her what she considers us then, and she says that we are "just dating", and that neither one of us , is allowed to see anyone else , hence she doesn't keep in contact with her "crush" supposedly.


Bottom line!:
I don't know if there is something else that is going on with her and maybe her crush? (although i doubt it, because she told me that the crush was stupid and she loved me way more and that she wasnt even talking to him anymore) , does she really need time?. And if she really does need time, would it even make her change her mind? would she ever fall in love with me again?

Will a girl who has apparently fallen out of love with her ex , fall in love with him again?

im confused. what do i do?

[lovefool87]

I call this the "Disney effect". Some girls think that men are supposed to sweep them off their feet and treat them like princesses and spend a boat load of time and energy making them happy.

The truth is that everybody is human, we all have our likes and dislikes and there is no fairytale romance!

I think she is just pulling your chain. She likes the attention from you, but if she hasn't pursued a relationship with you, she might be using you until the guy she is actually interested in becomes available.

[evicted]

it has been 2 weeks that the entire "crush" incident and me telling her how i feel about her happened.
so, and for as long as we have been dating, she was a great person, thats why it is so hard for me to believe that she would want to string me along.

and her telling me that "we" arn't allowed to see other people makes it so much more difficult for me to think that she is waiting for another guy.

but then again, my thoughts are clouded , and it is very hard for me to judge anything. That's why i need a 3rd persons perspective on this issue, so thank you!! if you could maybe tell me why she told me that we are not supposed to be seeing other people, and what you think her motives are. that would make me a little less paranoid about doing the wrong thing!

thanks so much!

[lovefool87]

For two people who aren't official, she has a lot of rules for you to follow! She is probably afraid that you will find someone before she does and she is telling you not to date others because of course by dating people you could possibly find someone else.

You seem to have the idea that she is very into you, based on your second post. If you don't believe that she is stringing you along, she might not be. I am basing my opinion on the facts you've given me. You also seem a little miserable, and relationships shouldn't make you miserable! You can have ups and downs, but confusion and worry when you aren't even together is rediculous.

Lay down the gauntlet. You don't need to wait another 6-18 months for her to get it together. Either she wants you or she doesn't. It really is that simple.

[evicted]

hmmm you're right.

how should i tell her? what should i focus on? and if she doesn't agree then go into the no contact phase? what if she says "just give me a week" or a specific time frame? thnx

[lovefool87]

If she asks for a week and you give it to her, she will ask for another and another. While she is getting her shit together, you should be able to date around, etc. Like I said, If she wants to be with you, then she would be with you.

You should tell her exactly how you feel. You are sick of waiting around, and you shouldn't have to do so. If she wants to be with you, then she needs to step it up or you are out of there. It doesn't matter that a long time ago you didn't pay attention to her. Seriously? She can't trust you because of that? That's stupid.

Move on!

[tooxshort]

I think you should move on ... You can spend all this time wooing her and trying to win her back, but sustaining that level of affection is going to be tough if you actually do win her back. Take it as a learning experience and work on making the next one work better.

[evicted]

i wanted to move on and for 1 day i completely broke all contact with her and explained in an email that i did not want to talk to her again, because i could not just be a friend to her.

She called me every single minute, texted me a few hundred times begging me to not give up on her. and that i should realize that she wants us together because she isn't giving up.

because of that incident, im even more confused. if she is trying soo hard to not lose me, then why won't she become my gf?

(btw , she wants to move in with me for a year, so what does that mean!? )

its hard for me to break contact with her, because i feel at times like she actually does love me, but for w.e unknown reason won't commit to my gf yet.

but as a 3rd person over looking this relationship, i think you guys could give me good advices, like you have. So thank you, and if anyone else has any advices , it would be GREATLY appreciated!!

[amon_nemous]

sounds like a tough one. but are you telling me she want to move in with you for a year, but doesnt know if she wants to commit to being your girlfriend ?! that just doesnt add up to me. she sounds a bit of a mess to be honest and ,personally, i dont think i would give her more than a couple of weeks if she doesnt know if she wants to be with you by then i dont think she ever will. still that might not be right for you. sh might really love you and you have to ask yourself what desision could i live with? either i gave it my all and still it didnt work or i walked away. but dont forget, you can always walk away.

[evicted]

ok i confronted her and explained how i felt. she agreed to being my gf , she told me that she definetly wants me, and wants a future with me.

but now i feel guilty. i feel as though she still feels the same way she did, because well for one, no matter what i say or anyone says i can't change how she feels about me right? and i can't currently c her cuz she lives in a different city which is a little far, so i can't tell how she would act. but it seems to me like i forced her to commit to being in a relationship.
or maybe im just paranoid now? she told me that she might not love me right now as much as she did before, but she still loves me enough to be my girlfriend and that she knows that her love is growing everyday and that soon she will be completely in love with me , especially if we are going to live together.

sigh.. i really want to trust her decision, i just hope she isn't as confused as i am. and i kinda do hope that im just being paranoid.