Closing In On a Year Now...

[Kagerou]

Holy **** you need help, jesus! Look at yourself, would YOU want to be with you? No wonder she left, stop trying to ruin her life just because you are an obsessive psychotic creep.

[bluesummer]

I've done nothing wrong except want back the only woman who'd ever loved me. Is that so criminal?

No, but the way you're talking it may end up that way. Im no psychic, but I see a restraining order in your future.

[kitkitkitty]

I would bet any amount of money she has told him nothing of her marriage or me

...are you really that surprised considering... you?

[ChristianonLI]

Allright well, I'm done. I've had enough. This is the final straw.

I came to this forum about a year ago when this whole mess first happened. I poured my heart out and I got many heartfelt replies and words of wisdom and advice from those of you who had experienced such a horrible situation before. Others scorned me for not doing exactly everything Jenn wanted from the moment we were married even though I had never been married before and had never even been in a long term relationship to know what I should and should not do. Women are a far more elaborate and irrational creature than I had ever expected.

But like it or not, I'm done. Not with you guys. Not with life. I'm done with this situation. The last six or eight weeks had been the worst for me in a long time and it was getting to the point that my miserable self-pity was affecting my productivity at work and putting me at odds with co-workers I had come to call friends over the last seven months of working in that store. I entered that job with high hopes and much praise from my new bosses who have big plans for me, but I realized recently that I would have no place in their grand ambitions if I am an emotionally unstable wreck.

So I'm done. I'm finally saying it. All of you have been right about what needed to be done. I can't have revenge and I can't ruin her new relationship. Hell, if she was able to abandon her brand new husband, the one person on Earth who should have been the most important person in her new and freely chosen life, and spend months berating and chastising him for not having psychically known what she was feeling without ever telling him then she is capable of just about anything. If she can do this to ME, the man who loved her and was prepared to give up every last shred of his identity just to make her happy then she can do this to ANYBODY. So you know what?

I'm letting her ruin it herself. Statistically speaking she will abandon her new relationship eventually or her new boyfriend will be smarter than I was and catch on far earlier and make his exit. In spite of the fact they share all the common interests her and I never did, deep down she is a terrible, unsympathetic beast and karma will come back around to get her.

I've spent a year hating myself. I've spent a year blaming myself for just BEING ME. I loved video games. Perhaps a little too much but I showed a willingness to change and change never happens overnight. I loved smoking but at the drop of a hat I agreed to give it up and with the help of Chantix I had (after she left I went back to smoking but a week ago, with Chantix again, I quit for good). I had gained a bit of weight and agreed to go to the gym and eat healthier. Last week I stepped on the scale and discovered, without even going to the gym or changing my diet, I'd dropped 30 pounds. So somehow, in the midst of incessantly fantasizing about a multiple murder-suicide as the only logical payback I made all the changes she'd wanted all on my own. And I'd done it without her help. I never needed her help at all.

Yea, I said multiple murder-suicide. You guys really have no idea, I was out of my mind for quite a while but none of it was rational, it was blind rage and anger, it was an inability to accept something that I had convinced myself my whole life I never would have to face. But I've gone past the crazy stage because I've had all I can stand and I can't stand no more. In spite of what you all have read in this and previous threads, I believe myself to be a good person. I care about others and I know I possess the ability to be a good man to the right woman. First as a boyfriend and then as a husband and father. And now that employment-wise I'm on a better path than I ever had been before I am in the position to make myself financially capable of being that good boyfriend, that good husband and one day that good father. Maybe I just settled on Jenn because I hated myself then and figured she would be the best I could get. Maybe it had something to do with the fact I genuinely believe in the 2012 prophecies and I felt my time was running out. Whatever it was, it doesn't matter. She wasn't right for me. If she had been she would have worked with me, she would have been patient and she would have seen, in spite of my slow willingness to change my personal habits, that I was in my heart still willing. And she certainly never would have told me she felt I never loved her just because I was so devoted to a hobby that it had become an addiction. She would have seen past that to the truth if she were the right one. Instead she was just a shallow, superficial bitch who had her feelings hurt and then wanted to get revenge on ME.

So she can go f*** herself. She will ruin every relationship she ever gets into. And if she doesn't, if she does find someone she believes is better, great. Good for her. Because she'll still be a bitch and I'd rather it be someone else who sacrifices their life to satisfying her impossible-to-meet demands. I'm better than that and I deserve better. And one day, no matter how long it takes, I will find that nerdy, sci-fi loving woman who hates baseball, enjoys MMORPGs and has an insatiable appetite for all things science related. Well, she doesn't have to have all those qualities. Truthfully she doesn't have to have any of them as long as she's mature enough to accept them as MY hobbies and MY interests and not secretly wish I would completely change. I'm not a mind reader, God damn it. She never told me a single thing until it was too late. She refused to communicate then claimed she did communicate. Body language and subtle comments don't work with me and if she'd paid attention in the 2.5 years we dated she would have known that.

This is Christian, from Long Island, signing off. You've all been a great help. Except you, Vashti. You had nothing but nasty bile to say to me from the beginning. Maybe you just never read the whole story. Go find the link I put and have a read then maybe you'll change your tune. And if not, kiss my ass. To the rest of you, thank you. I think I can finally stop hating myself.

[Gigabitch]

Giga, I'm sad and lonely and I only want to ruin her future relationships as punishment. Isn't that my right as a human being?

No. No, it isn't. You don't get to punish people for leaving you. Jenn wasn't your life, Christian. She was your excuse for not having a life. You used her to focus on instead of what you should have been doing, which was learning how to be a whole person with the life you wanted.

Most people go through horrible romantic disappointment at some point in their lives. I've had a couple that still hurt to this day. The idea of punishing these guys never even occurred to me because I could see clearly that half of the problem was my own expectations being out of line.

I think your expectations of Jenn were out of line. I have no doubt that there were red flags all over the place in your relationship and you refused to see them, just like you refuse now to see that what you should be doing is that thing you find so difficult: taking a long look at yourself and taking some responsibility for what happened. Jenn left you for a reason, and she was good enough to explain it to you very clearly. Stop blaming her for the fact that your life isn't what it should be. That's YOUR fault.

[VincenzoG91]

Christian, I'm glad that you've made this crucial breakthrough. I wish you the very best of luck.

[kitkitkitty]

i'm curious as to how you realized this. was it a slow realization/ a sudden switch that went on?

[ChristianonLI]

I got pushed over that edge by a very specific incident which happened at my job. I'd been depressed for a few weeks and in turn it was making me lazy and unproductive at work. Co-workers began to notice and quietly complain and when confronted by it I essentially told them to f*** off and that I was going to do whatever the Hell I wanted.

This was the exact same situation which caused me to lose my job of 10 years, the incident which was the catalyst to driving my wife away. I gathered my senses, apologized to my co-workers and explained to them I had not intended to take advantage of anyone. Being rational adults they accepted the apology and everything was good once more. I thought to myself that I had handled it badly the first time around to the point it destroyed the future I was so certain couldn't be escaped if I tried and I wasn't going to let it happen again. There had to be a time to turn it around and it was now.

Don't get me wrong. I miss Jenn terribly. I wish things had not gone sour so quickly and so inexplicably. But if you guys read the link those warning signs mentioned in previous posts were blatant and obvious. The bitch literally was holding me hostage. A year into the relationship she said, "if you don't propose marriage to me I might have to go elsewhere", so I proposed. Then a month into the marriage she said, "you need to do A, B and C or else I might have to leave you in six months", so I did A, B and C to the best of my abilities and she was still gone in three.

So yea, I am hoping I can maintain this somewhat positive attitude long enough to meet someone new. I really want to meet someone new as soon as possible, but I want to meet a good woman, not a "good enough" woman. I still need that aspect of human existence to feel normal because as a single person I don't feel normal. I feel rejected by the world when I'm single. Don't ask why, that's just how it feels.

But I reiterate. If Jenn, at the start of a brand new marriage, can hurt me in the way she did, she can do it to anyone and she eventually will. Or her sinister plans will be smoked out and she will in turn be hurt first. I can only hope I'm able to see it when it happens so I can laugh at her. Because after all this I still want to laugh in her face when things go sour for her in her supposedly perfect little life.

[bluesummer]

I really, truly hope that this revelation is genuine. I can understand some anger on your end, but for God's sake don't let it ruin your life. If you let it ruin your life, she wins. Like I said before.....karma. What goes around come around. Trust it.

[ChristianonLI]

Trying, Blue. Really trying. But I'm still terribly lonely and that in and of itself weighs heavily on my state of mind.

[VincenzoG91]

The last time I went through a painful breakup, I adopted a cat from a local shelter. He was painfully shy and nervous at first, so it took me a couple of weeks to win him over. That helped me through a rough time by giving me something else to focus on, and once he warmed up to me, that was a new source of happiness in my life.

[RuntimeError]

Damn man, the sex must of been WONDERFUL to make you go this crazy over a girl. You were fine before her and you are fine now, you were not put on this earth for just one girl and if that was the case whatever you belive in a God, Energy, nature or whatever it maybe, would not have split you apart and she would still be with you!

Keep in mind love comes and goes on its own terms you can't make anyone love you they just do. And besides even if you could. would you want to make someone love you? I wish I could perscribe something for you, but these types of illnesses and hurt do not work like that. I would suggest no contact if you haven't already, a good 20-30 minute workout daily - this could be a walk or whatever and about 5-10 minutes of meditation daily ... lookup meditation for beginers. All three of these things have been proven to help aliviate depression.

I understand you are hurting and I care for you. You have to remember we ALL live under the bell curve and no matter how terrible you have it someone else has it MUCH MUCH worse and they make it through ... yes some people have it much better but be thankful for what you do have becasue it can always be worse!!

Take deep breaths and let her go. Oh yeah and one more thing any anger twords her just hurts you, you must let that go, she has gone one her way, thank her for loving you and allowing you to be part of her life for the time she did and say good bye.

[ChristianonLI]

Should I also thank her for being a shallow, uncommunicative bitch with unrealistic expectations she should have known I could never meet? How about I also thank her for taking a weekend getaway with her new boyfriend who is clearly inferior that has left me unable to sleep or eat? Oh, I know, I can personally thank her for putting me through a year's worth of miserable Hell when all she had to do was not be selfish and just stay and work things out like any other grown, mature woman.

That's not a relapse, btw. That's just me still a bit pissed off.

[vashti]

Allright well, I'm done. I've had enough. This is the final straw.

I came to this forum about a year ago when this whole mess first happened. I poured my heart out and I got many heartfelt replies and words of wisdom and advice from those of you who had experienced such a horrible situation before. Others scorned me for not doing exactly everything Jenn wanted from the moment we were married even though I had never been married before and had never even been in a long term relationship to know what I should and should not do. Women are a far more elaborate and irrational creature than I had ever expected.

But like it or not, I'm done. Not with you guys. Not with life. I'm done with this situation. The last six or eight weeks had been the worst for me in a long time and it was getting to the point that my miserable self-pity was affecting my productivity at work and putting me at odds with co-workers I had come to call friends over the last seven months of working in that store. I entered that job with high hopes and much praise from my new bosses who have big plans for me, but I realized recently that I would have no place in their grand ambitions if I am an emotionally unstable wreck.

So I'm done. I'm finally saying it. All of you have been right about what needed to be done. I can't have revenge and I can't ruin her new relationship. Hell, if she was able to abandon her brand new husband, the one person on Earth who should have been the most important person in her new and freely chosen life, and spend months berating and chastising him for not having psychically known what she was feeling without ever telling him then she is capable of just about anything. If she can do this to ME, the man who loved her and was prepared to give up every last shred of his identity just to make her happy then she can do this to ANYBODY. So you know what?

I'm letting her ruin it herself. Statistically speaking she will abandon her new relationship eventually or her new boyfriend will be smarter than I was and catch on far earlier and make his exit. In spite of the fact they share all the common interests her and I never did, deep down she is a terrible, unsympathetic beast and karma will come back around to get her.

I've spent a year hating myself. I've spent a year blaming myself for just BEING ME. I loved video games. Perhaps a little too much but I showed a willingness to change and change never happens overnight. I loved smoking but at the drop of a hat I agreed to give it up and with the help of Chantix I had (after she left I went back to smoking but a week ago, with Chantix again, I quit for good). I had gained a bit of weight and agreed to go to the gym and eat healthier. Last week I stepped on the scale and discovered, without even going to the gym or changing my diet, I'd dropped 30 pounds. So somehow, in the midst of incessantly fantasizing about a multiple murder-suicide as the only logical payback I made all the changes she'd wanted all on my own. And I'd done it without her help. I never needed her help at all.

Yea, I said multiple murder-suicide. You guys really have no idea, I was out of my mind for quite a while but none of it was rational, it was blind rage and anger, it was an inability to accept something that I had convinced myself my whole life I never would have to face. But I've gone past the crazy stage because I've had all I can stand and I can't stand no more. In spite of what you all have read in this and previous threads, I believe myself to be a good person. I care about others and I know I possess the ability to be a good man to the right woman. First as a boyfriend and then as a husband and father. And now that employment-wise I'm on a better path than I ever had been before I am in the position to make myself financially capable of being that good boyfriend, that good husband and one day that good father. Maybe I just settled on Jenn because I hated myself then and figured she would be the best I could get. Maybe it had something to do with the fact I genuinely believe in the 2012 prophecies and I felt my time was running out. Whatever it was, it doesn't matter. She wasn't right for me. If she had been she would have worked with me, she would have been patient and she would have seen, in spite of my slow willingness to change my personal habits, that I was in my heart still willing. And she certainly never would have told me she felt I never loved her just because I was so devoted to a hobby that it had become an addiction. She would have seen past that to the truth if she were the right one. Instead she was just a shallow, superficial bitch who had her feelings hurt and then wanted to get revenge on ME.

So she can go f*** herself. She will ruin every relationship she ever gets into. And if she doesn't, if she does find someone she believes is better, great. Good for her. Because she'll still be a bitch and I'd rather it be someone else who sacrifices their life to satisfying her impossible-to-meet demands. I'm better than that and I deserve better. And one day, no matter how long it takes, I will find that nerdy, sci-fi loving woman who hates baseball, enjoys MMORPGs and has an insatiable appetite for all things science related. Well, she doesn't have to have all those qualities. Truthfully she doesn't have to have any of them as long as she's mature enough to accept them as MY hobbies and MY interests and not secretly wish I would completely change. I'm not a mind reader, God damn it. She never told me a single thing until it was too late. She refused to communicate then claimed she did communicate. Body language and subtle comments don't work with me and if she'd paid attention in the 2.5 years we dated she would have known that.

This is Christian, from Long Island, signing off. You've all been a great help. Except you, Vashti. You had nothing but nasty bile to say to me from the beginning. Maybe you just never read the whole story. Go find the link I put and have a read then maybe you'll change your tune. And if not, kiss my ass. To the rest of you, thank you. I think I can finally stop hating myself.

Dang, just when I thought you were actually sounding better, you had to write that. I guess growth is a two steps forward, one step back process. Ah well, you are moving in the right direction it seems. Congratulations.

Thanks for singling me out in the end, though. To be honest, I was almost tempted to go back and look at what I wrote to provoke such passion. Almost.

[RuntimeError]

She sounds like one crazy bitch! You need to be thankful she is out of your life!

So two guys break up ... one guy cries in his beer and wastes a whole 6 months of his life depressed ... the other is happy as a clam drinking beer and eating pizza and partying with his friends both people are in the same position just with a different state of mind.

Tell me what was soo good about this girl???

If God gave you one thing in the world would you ask for her back???

After all this shit she put you through would you want her back even if you could have her?

She has shown you her character and it reeks she has shown you the shallow, uncommunicative bitch part and you need to cut her loose!