He's ignoring me after treating me like a queen!

[Nybeauty02]

Hi all. I need help!

I am an attractive, 25 year old New York woman with 2 college degrees. It's safe to say I have alot going for me.

I am a very social girl, with alot of friends, and have friends from "all walks of life". A few months ago, I met a guy through mutual friends and after awhile, we realized we liked alot of the same things and began to hang out. I had no expectations, neither did he, but we wound up liking eachother.

We got along sooo well and were attracted to eachother - it seemed like we fit together like 2 puzzle pieces. However, we were complete opposites when it came to "on paper" - I have 2 college degrees, he didn't have 1. He is out of work right now, I'm employed. I grew up "comfortable", and he grew up poor. Nonetheless, we still got along great and he said he was gonna get his life together so I went for it.

For 6 weeks, we spent nearly everyday together. We had that movie "love" (we were not IN love but were obviously very infatuated with one another). Our romance was easy and effortless, even living 45 minutes away from each other. He took me to nice dinners, movies, made plans for the future, etc. I met his mother, and at his urging, he met my family as well. Everyone loved him. He made me so happy. People knew his "situation" but felt he was too good to pass up - the technical stuff could be worked out later.

Just as I got comfortable (because I was so secure because he was a prince until now), I started to notice more and more that he seemed a little depressed. However, he was still fine emotionally with me, so I brushed it off that he was just stressed because of his "situation".

I slept at his house one night last week, in the morning he made me breakfast and was smiling and happy. I went home and he was supposed to come see me for dinner. Hours later, he txted me and said his car broke down (yet again). I called him and I don't know what came over me, but I dumped him. I said I felt badly for him but it's not going to work. He seemed shocked. He objected, but said he understood. I hung up and cried. Then, in true "dumper" fashion, I had second thoughts.

I called him back and said maybe we could work it out (which he originally said he wanted to do). He seemed relieved, and I said as long as you get your life together, we are good. Then his tune changed.

He said he was positive he wanted me but he didn't know how long it would take for him to get his life together and he didn't wanna drag me down with him. I was so upset. He assured me it didn't have to do with me, because I was the best he ever had. He said basically I'm too good for him.

I said fine, but when I'm done, I'm done. He said he didn't want it to be so final. He said he wasn't ready to completely shut the door on us and he wasn't planning on moving on anytime soon. He said if i should ever change my mind, to please call him.

Then, I lost service, and just sent a txt that told him good luck with
everything. The next morning, I received a text from him in which
he apologized and he's just miserable right now, and he wished me
all the best. I still wasn't sure about this break up, and he didn't seem like he did either, so I tried calling him - after all, he said to call if I changed my mind! I called the entire day thinking something had happened - he would never ignore me like this! Well, make a long story short, he did. It's been 3 days and no word from him. Nothing.

I have obviously stopped calling awhile ago, but I'm devastated. My friends can't even believe it. How could someone be so crazy about me and just be so cold? It makes no sense and I have no answers. Why would he say he didn't want this and then do it? How could someone be so sweet and kind and considerate and then BOOM!?

I'm not a stupid girl. His actions clearly say he's done and he's not coming back. I'm just trying to make sense of it. I'm hurting so bad. One morning he was making me breakfast and the next, he was ignoring me like I was a piece of trash.

I don't want him back. Well, at least my head doesn't. My heart is hurting though. Can someone give me some advice?

Thanks.

[Paperclip]

You dumped him because his car broke down and he couldn't come see you after you'd just seen him in the morning? High maintenance much.

[Nybeauty02]

No no. He now had NO car, on top of having NO job, and NO plans to get his life in order.

[WICKED THOUGHTS]

I think his prolly happy now in his compfy life then in ur world. sorry u heart hurts.

[Nybeauty02]

Huh? I don't think I understand...

[WaiKru]

Sounds to me like you jumped the gun a little bit, and now you're paying for it. I'm not sure what advice to give, because he probably feels like trying to live up to your expectations was too stressful, and then you went and dumped him...

[AirbenderAang]

"I slept at his house one night last week, in the morning he made me breakfast and was smiling and happy. I went home and he was supposed to come see me for dinner. Hours later, he txted me and said his car broke down (yet again). I called him and I don't know what came over me, but I dumped him. I said I felt badly for him but it's not going to work. He seemed shocked. He objected, but said he understood. I hung up and cried. Then, in true "dumper" fashion, I had second thoughts."

It sounds like two people in different stages of their life started dating. Things seem to be going great. You have no major problems with the differences. Meanwhile, the guy is insecure about his current status but he still wants the relationship. Then, the guy's car breaks down and then you decide enough is enough. You break up with him. The guy gets hurt. His insecurities go way up, and then eventually he gets angry. I personally would be angry at a girl who broke up with me because my car broke down. Why did you do that? You started and continued the relationship knowing where he was at. Then when misfortune befalls him, you immediately dump him. In the future, try not to be so fickle.

[EvanHadkins]

Hi Nybeauty02,

What stood out for me was this para, "
I called him back and said maybe we could work it out (which he originally said he wanted to do). He seemed relieved, and I said as long as you get your life together, we are good. Then his tune changed."

He may feel that you were making demands and putting conditions on things and setting up hoops for him to jump through. If he is aware of social disparities between you this could be quite a sore point (especially if he is a bit of a traditional male).

That's my thinking - hope it is useful to you.

[Riku]

I'm sorry this is gonna sound harsh. You are really full of yourself and need to place blame where it should be and that is on you. You made the decision to accept him as he was. If you have only been together for a couple months that is hardly enough time for him to have completely changed his life around. It takes time and it's hard, especially when you become depressed. Digging yourself out of a hole is harder than staying out of one.

His car broke down, he was already depressed, it was the last thing he needed and made him feel even worse. Then he goes to call a person he trusts and loves for some support and you break up with him?! WTF? If his situation and his lack of effort bothered you, you should have talked about it with him not break up with him when he is down and needed your support.

I don't think he has done anything wrong and is probably better off without you. I don't think you are the kind of person that can handle the world he lives in because you obviously don't understand it and don't know how to be supportive and helpful. There is nothing wrong with that, you just need to recognize it and not go into another relationship like this. Let him move on and you do the same.

[VincenzoG91]

Although I mostly agree with Riku, it is possible that the two of you didn't really have that much in common and he was just playing a part to get close to you. Six weeks is still very early on, and not enough time to really know each other. While it's understandable that he would be depressed about his car problems and unemployment, he might have also struggled with feeling that he wasn't good enough for you. And you definitely had some difference in values, judging by the difference in education and career success. Maybe he feels that the relationship wouldn't work until he caught up with you in terms of education and career, which would take years. Or maybe he just wanted to hurt you back for dumping him over car trouble. I think that it would be good for both of you to have a conversation about what happened, at some point. But if he won't pick up the phone, then now is not the time.

[Nybeauty02]

I am not full of myself. I just know who I am and what I have to offer.

And I lied when he said he didn't have a job. He sells drugs.

And I was supportive and helpful in 6 weeks. I wasn't there tapping my foot against the floor wondering when he was gonna get his life together.

And I know I jumped the gun about the car. However, we live 45 mins away and I'm going to be starting school again. This is the second time in 6 weeks this happened and now the car is totally done. And in my defense, within minutes I realized I was wrong and took it back!!!!

I just don't get why he had said he didn't want this to be final and then went on to do this to me. To ignore someone is the most hostile thing you could do to someone.

And here's the other thing. He always talked about psycho exes - ones that vandalized his car, etc. and now I'm startin go realize that this must be what he does when he's "done", right? He ignores? I just don't think I can fix it if this is how he handles things.

[Nybeauty02]

I didn't mean he needed to get his life together that second. I just meant take some strides. In 6 weeks I never said anything about his situation. But now the car was done which meant that the burden would fall on me 6 nights a week to drive up there. It's not that the car broke down - the car was now finished. And he had no back up plan to get another one.

I just don't know why he said if I changed my mind to call him, and he didn't want this to b final and then wouldn't talk to me. I have been sick over it. Nothing will get him to answer the phone. I don't know if this is temporary or permanent. He didn't seem mad the night before but ignoring someone is hostile.

Does he just need more time? I know his feelings were real.

[VincenzoG91]

A successful drug dealer should be able to afford a decent ride. Is he really more of a small-time dope dealer? It's interesting that you're okay with the drug-dealing, many people would find that to be a deal-breaker, either for ethical reasons or even just safety concerns.

Maybe he isn't ignoring your calls. Maybe he's in jail and doesn't have access to a phone right now.

[Nybeauty02]

Yes, he is a small time dope dealer with no money. And I stuck it out because on our first date, he said he was getting out asap.

He's not in jail. Trust me, that first day he was ignoring me, I was worried SICK thinking he was in jail. Only to find out he's ignoring me.

If he's a runner, he's gone. But of he's doing this bc he's angry, I think I have a chance when he calms down.

[Riku]

Well that's a different picture you are painting. The way you talk about him though you have a very specific tone that you think you are better than him. You probably are so why do you care about this? It seems as though you aren't so much sad that the relationship is over but more so that HE is ignoring YOU. I'm sure you are thinking to yourself that he shouldn't be ignoring you, you should be ignoring him.

Dealing drugs is very different than just being unemployed. Move on, find someone that you can relate to and have mutual respect for. Don't spend your time, thoughts or emotions trying to figure out his thinking.

I will add though that he is probably ignoring you because he is realizing that you think you are better than him and that just pisses him off. It's one thing to tell a gf, you can do better than me, but when you realize they actually really think it, doesn't feel so good.