Should I (and how can I) take back a CHEATER- Need Advice

[sevdreams]

I know all of our heart aches are original. Because of this, it is hard to find an example online that is similar to mine. So, I am going to post my story here, with hopes of advice. Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this.

I am 22 and my girlfriend is 20. We have been together for 6.5 years and were "settled down", speaking of marriage, kids, etc.. Unknowing to her, I was going to propose in the next few months. I have a good full-time job, I also have a part-time job, which is similar to a hobby, I just recently purchased an apartment building so that takes up time, and I just started up college full-time to better myself within my company. So, as you can tell, I am quite busy. She is in school full-time (struggling a bit), and she works part-time around children (she is very well with children).

Now for the story: We've known each other our whole lives really, being neighborhood friends. When I was 16 and she was 14, we started dating. Yes, we were young, but very happy. A couple of years into the relationship, we had our flaws. Being young and stupid, I would flirt with other girls on occasion, but nothing went further than that... and we worked through it. Around the same time (maybe 3 years ago), we were in a constant state of anger with each other. Fights would occur more frequently and our sex life seemed to diminish. When we have fights, I don't like to talk them out, and she does. Because of this, a lot of things go unanswered and unresolved. This, I believe, caused her to feel that I don't love her the way I use to (certainly not the case). Long story short, I realized she had been flirting and fooling around with my best friend for just a couple of weeks. Nothing went any further than 2nd base, but I was understanding and eventually forgived her for her wrongdoing. She was upset, wondering how our relationship was going, and my best friend simply turned her against me, telling her I was thinking about breaking ties with her. Needless to say, he is no longer a friend of mine.

Our relationship progressively got better from this point on, and for the past 2 years our relationship has never been better. We very rarely fight, and when we do, we simply laugh it off. Nothing lasts more than a couple of minutes with us. However, being the busy guy that I am, I believe I wasn't providing her with the love and attention that she deserves. All the while, I am doing what I am doing to better our lives in the future. Again, I think this made her feel lonely and needing for attention. Our sex life diminished greatly after the incident with my best friend. She wants it, I don't (yes... that's right). Whatever the reason may be, I don't know.

Anyways, a couple of nights ago I was playing around with her cellphone while she was out of the room. I have regained trust in her 100% after the first incident, so I surely was not snooping by any means. However, she walked into the room, her eyes got beaty, and she walked like a zombie towards me attempting to grab the phone. At this point, I new something was wrong. Long story short, I viewed her text messages, and one was to a co-worker of mine asking if she could she him since his wife was away.

After confronting her about it, she finally gave in and laid it all on me. Supposidly, she had relations with this guy (intercorse), about 4 times in the last 2 months. I cut ties right there... I was done. However, I still really truly love her, and I strongly believe that she truly loves me. She is begging me to take her back. I know in my heart that I will never forgive her for what she had done to me (we were each others first and only lovers), and I know it would take quite a long time to build the trust back up again... I don't know if it will ever be at 100% but I'm sure it will get better.

The thing is, she is a very kind and caring and loving person and does a lot for me. She truly does take care of me in multiple ways; my family loves her, my friends love her. She is generally a very good person. I feel that she may have some issues with possible attention problems or insecurity or something along those lines, so she agreed to get counseling. If she can get help herself, and eventually we do try it again, we would probably go to a counselor together. I admit that I haven't been as loving to her as she has been to me, but I can't view that as an excuse to cheat on me... not with our whole future planned out. Was it really a mistake that won't happen again?

I am writing my story for some advice. She wants me back, and you guys have the whole story right here (good and bad). I need to know what I should do. I love her very much, and she loves me (she does... believe me). Would I ever be able to get over the pain she has caused me this time around? She says it would never happen again, but that's what she said the first time. However, the first time and the second time have similar stories leading up to the cheating... so, I believe I played a part in them both. I am just lost. Someone please give some advice. If I do decide to work it out, what should I do to ensure it doesnt happen again?

Thanks so much!

[kitkitkitty]

with the history you gave, i don't know personally if i could forgive her. i'd be tempted to stay with her mostly out of habit... you've been together for a long time, have shared so much of your lives. but you're still young. i don't know if the phrase 'once a cheater always a cheater' is true 100% of the time but regardless. i think that you need a break from her to sort your head out. however much you love her you can't let her walk over you like a doormat which is what would happen if there are no serious consequences to her actions. not to sound mean, but can you really say she loves you after this? you love her, so you'd do the same thing? that's acceptable to you?

[sevdreams]

Thanks for your advice. I would never do the same thing, as I feel its the worst thing anyone can do to their partner. I've thought about the same thing you told me over and over again.. "how can she say she loves me"... but I truly believe she does. She loves me for the person I am (i think), and the life we had and could've continued to have. However, I may not have shown her the attention she so desires. So I ask myself, "what if I give her the attention and time that she needs?". This is something I will honestly never know.

You are probably right when you said that I am use to being around her, because its absolutely true. We did everything together. She was not only my partner, she was my best friend. I hope your advice and the advice of others will help me in my decision. It's just so hard breaking it off after 6.5 years, knowing it may be part my fault...

[girl68]

She's too young to be soo serious about you and this relationship. She has never even had a chance to have a man flirt with her and take it all in without there being a line that is crossed.

If you know you cannot forgive her you cannot take her back. That is one of the biggest things you must be able to do and if you can't then you cannot have her back.

[sevdreams]

girl68: Thank you for your advice. I don't think its that I can't forgive her... I could eventually forgive her, it's just that I wouldn't "forget". I don't think anyone could forget something like this. She has already told me that she knows there would be a trust issue. She said she will do anything she needs to do to regain my trust. I told her I would be very controlling for quite sometime, and she insists that she is fine with it. Whether im fine with it is a different question. I don't like worrying or being controlling. But, if it could save what we once had, then I will go through with it until I can once again trust her.

We did have our issues, and I think that's what caused this mess. You are right about her being young, but she is not like other girls her age. She doesn't drink, party, or anything like that. All of our friends are 40's-50's. We are around a very mature crowd most of the time and that is probably why she's the way she is.

Again, you are right about her being young, and that she hasn't experimented throughout her youth up until this point. It's hard for both of us sometimes, knowing that we didn't have a regular youth through highschool and college, but it worked out for the best, it kept us good up until now.

Do you think if I can find it in my heart to forgive her it might work out? Like I said, the trust thing would take a while, but she doesn't party or hang out with a bad crowd. I certainly don't want you telling me it's possible to get over this if it isn't. However, if the relationship can be saved, even after maybe a couple months of NC or limited contact, I would take that route.

If you don't think I can save it, do you think it would be acceptable to continue friendship for a while? Of course I'm upset with her for what she did to me, and I know many proponents of the NC Rule. However, as I said earlier, she is my best friend. She is the closest thing to me. If friendship after breakup isn't possible, then I understand. I just need to know.

Thanks again!

[kitkitkitty]

ok so maybe you could've given her more attention.. but c'mon look at what you're doing with your life! we're all growing up and we NEED to do something with ourselves right? find our own success and become better people for it. i really think you should back off for a bit and tell her. not 'i miss you' txts or calls, they'll just distract you from what you need to really be thinking about. tbh, you don't need to think at all for a few days, just relax.. i tend to find that by doing our i subconsciously make decisions and everything becomes a lot clearer.

[sevdreams]

Good point kiti. Thanks again!

[kitkitkitty]

that's what i was gona say til i started ranting... you could've given you more attention, but you've been together for so long. should she not be able to talk to you about what she needs?

[sevdreams]

I dont know what you mean in your last sentence, "should she not be able to talk to you about what she needs?" Can you explain that for me?

[kitkitkitty]

i mean, if she needed more love/ attention from you she should've talked to you about it. people use the excuse of 'i cheated because i wasn't getting enough love/ attention from my partner so went to find it else where'. if the person had spoken out and said to their partner 'i think we're lacking........in our relationship i think we need to make more of an effort'. if your girl had felt like this then she should've spoken to you rather than running into the arms of another man. i hope that makes sense.

[sevdreams]

The thing is, she did tell me. That is where I went wrong. I paid no attention to her requests, and I'm ashamed that I didn't. I got wrapped up into everything else, that I didn't realize what I had sitting right next to me. Communication is where I lack, and it's definately something I'll be working on.

[VincenzoG91]

The thing is, she did tell me. That is where I went wrong. I paid no attention to her requests, and I'm ashamed that I didn't. I got wrapped up into everything else, that I didn't realize what I had sitting right next to me. Communication is where I lack, and it's definately something I'll be working on.

No, don't blame yourself for her cheating. If she wasn't getting enough attention from you, even after asking, she should get involved with somebody else only after breaking up with you. Cheating on you is unfair to you. But that's what she has done, with two different guys, because she's a cheater and she will always be a cheater. Drop her and move on.

[sevdreams]

You are absolutely right Vincenzo! If anything she could have broken up with me. Maybe then I would have realized how much she needed attention, and I could have given it to her. What she did was completely wrong... and then hiding it? Even worse. I don't know how some people can live with their guilt. Thanks again.

[girl68]

No, I don't think you'll ever get over it, forget it or be able to trust her again. I just don't think you'll ever be able to do that. Ever.

Not only did she screw up once (which is somewhat forgivable she did it twice). It's as if the first time she didn't learn her lesson. As mature as you claim she is she is not emotioanlly mature. She doesn't know how to talk about her problems, doesn't know when to break up, doesn't know how to communicate effitively and doesn't know how to deal with major issues besides running into the arms of a man (MARRIED even). That's not mature, partying doesn't make you immature, partying means you're letting loose- plenty of mature people drink, smoke, and party.

I think you should walk away. If you could have lose you bestfriend (boy who she cheated with) you can lose another best friend. And no, remaining friends is a poor idea.

You have both exhausted this young relationship and I think it's time to just pick yourselves up and move on with that game called life. Guess what? Almost all of us had this first what we thought was undying, never-gonna-find-it-again-love thing going on. And almost all of us who did have found love a second time, third, forth and fifth etc.

BTW- chilling out with 40 old folk doesn't make you mature, in fact I think you ought to have a whole crap of young friends going on. Live your youth- it expires.

[sevdreams]

I appreciate the advice again girl68. I've decided to be done with her. You are right about not learning the first time, and she probably wouldn't have learned from this one either. Not starting a friendship is probably the best for both of us I guess, since the emotions will still be there. I wouldn't be able to accept her dating another guy anyway. Also, I do have younger friends, but I'm not into the bar scene like them. Thanks again.