Simply Put, It's Complicated

[Garcity]

I began dating Nathalie around August of 2008. We began hanging out after she offered to cheer me up after a very rough day. Within a few weeks were in a relationship, my technical first. Of course, there came all the joys of being in a relationship; just having someone to call and care for, all that jazz.
About a year into the relationship, things were getting stressful. I was faced with the possibility that I might have to leave college because of a lack of student loans. Besides that, there were a myriad of stresses that came with school in general. We were arguing a lot and I wasn't used to this kind of stress, either. We decided to separate for a while, and we eventually came back together less than a week. From there, we decided that we need to communicate more about what's going through our heads. After that, things were going smoothly once again.
Months later, Nathalie would lose her job and things got really stressful for her. She was able to pick up two jobs; both of them were extremely taxing. At one job, she was required to babysit into the late hours of the night and the other job put her under the abuse of bad management. I wish I had been more understanding of her situation, but I was too caught up in my own problems. So when we would argue, I found myself resenting her presence. In retrospect, I wasn't sure how to act in this situation, for I've never experienced something like this. As we would argue, I began to wonder about the girl I could've asked out. Call it the "grass is greener syndrome" or whatever you want to name it. It happened that Nathalie, myself, and this girl shared this class. I found myself attracted this girl but didn't really know why. As I thought of all the negative things that had been happening in our relationship, I began to ponder the possibility that maybe I haven't dated enough people and should broaden my horizons.
Within a few weeks I dumped Nathalie. I decided to pursue a bunch of people that I always thought of asking out, but felt that I never could. Those never panned out. Within a few weeks of the breakup, Nathalie and I reconciled and got back together. Things were going well once again. Things were great, actually. I had to have surgery for a hernia, and during my recovery process, Nathalie flew down just to look after me. Things were great until we neared the two year mark. Around this time, we were arguing about other things, more often the subject was why I was being so guarded with her. She became more clingy, and even though we had talked about marriage, she began really pressing it upon me. I began feeling uneasy about the whole thing.
Then came one night where we were at a mutual friend's party and that other girl was there. I had about two drinks and suddenly felt attracted to this girl again. I was conflicted and confused about all this until we reached the end of our school quarter. I told Nathalie that we need to take a break so that I may think about things. By the end of our three-week break I decided to dump her a third time. With every negative thing I could think of, I used it all as a means of justifying my dumping her, telling everyone about this reason.
So began my time alone. I thought I would make another go at the other girl, but came to find that it was just an infatuation and that I was but a dog chasing a car. I suddenly began having nights where I was depressed and I didn't know why. Then came a night where I was drunk and I stumbled into the room where Nathalie was hanging out in. She was talking to my room mate and friend Ryan at the time and apparently she had been confiding in him about all this. In a drunken stupor, I blurted out "where is Hadidjah?" (the girl I was going after). She was hurt by this, as she would tell me later on. Before that night was over, she suddenly told Ryan "I like you!" From that point on, they began hanging out and he even told me that she was starting to grow on him. She started sleeping over at our place, and it bugged the hell out of me. I didn't know why, either. She didn't sleep with him or anything. All they'd do is talk for hours on end and walk along the beach. They even kissed once or twice, but nothing drastic.
I was feeling aggravated about this, and all my friends were simply telling me that I was angry because it was a messed up situation regardless. But one night, feeling I couldn't take it anymore, I went to her house. She was just finishing up a night class when I arrived at her place so I had to wait a while. I figured I would at least get the last of my things from her apartment. But as soon as she arrived I suddenly broke down and told her how wrong I was and hoped that she would give me a second chance. I had been unsure about these feelings for a while, for when I was feeling depressed those few months ago, I needed someone to talk to. She happened to be available so we talked. She asked me if I wanted her to come over, and as much as I wanted to say yes, I couldn't. I thought it was just me being sad with loneliness or that I missed having someone. Plus, I wasn't sure how it would be to say that I messed up. Call it pride, if you will, I don't care anymore. She told me she would give me a second chance but that she didn't know because of the time she spent with Ryan.
The next night, I bought her favorite flowers and left them at her doorstep. She felt guilty but then suggested that we could hang out the coming Sunday, just as friends, though. That was fine, I was willing to do whatever it took to spend time with her. Saturday came along and I was at work when she texted me. She asked me to text her when I got off of work. So I did and she asked me to go to this party because the guys who invited her were giving her weird vibes. Without hesitation I said yes. She later told me that she asked me because she felt she couldn't ask Ryan, who might've felt awkward going. The other thing was, he's more of an introvert and I lean more towards the extrovert. So we went. The party was alright and we ended up leaving around 9. We went into the city and just explored for a while, went to Borders, looked at some comic books, and she even bought me hot chocolate. We then went onto the trolley and took it all the way to the end of the line. We snuck our way to the base of Coit tower and simply enjoyed the view. We looked into each other's eyes and suddenly kissed. It was wonderful. It felt... natural. We were both caught off guard by this. We then went back down and made our way to the muni trains where we would part ways.
Sunday came at last and we ended up walking through Golden Gate Park. We talked for a long time. I knew she hadn't eaten so I packed her sandwiches. We sat by a lake while she ate her sandwiches. We made our way up to the top this waterfall where we talked some more. She then asked me why her and why I decided to change my mind. I told her that I worried too much about what other people though. She and I are from two different religions, and it had always been somewhat of an awkward subject, especially when it came to the idea of marriage. I told her many things, that I needed time to think. I told her that if she gave me another chance, I would spend the rest of my life making it up to her. After this talk, she told me she would give me another shot, but that we would have to tell Ryan. I agreed.
We went back to my place and she talked to him for about an hour and a half. When it was over, she came to me, crying. She was sad that she felt like she broke down his walls only to have him build them back up again. I tried to calm her, telling her that everything would be alright. I stayed over at her place to keep her company. The next day, I thought everything was beginning to move forward and work out alright. I went off to class and about midway through, I received a text from her saying "I don't know what to do." I asked what was wrong and she told me that Ryan told her he loves her. I instantly left for home to talk with him. Ryan and I agreed that the three of us need to talk about this. So she came over, but said that she wouldn't talk to any of us until we watched The Holiday (it's this romantic comedy starring Jack Black and Kate Winslet). The whole thing about this movie was that Nathalie felt like Jack Black's character, who had been cheated on. Note: I never cheated on her, but I suppose everything I put her through is just as bad. As the movie went on, I could see everything Nathalie saw in this movie. It made me cry, knowing how she felt. It was the hardest two hours ever. After that, we all began talking about how we got here and what the future holds for us. She decided right then and there that she wanted neither of us, saying "I have places to go and people to see. Whether you're there for the ride, that's entirely up to you." With that, she got up and left. Ryan went to go check the mail, but I ran after her. I told her that I wanted to go with her. She told me "if you do this, there is no going back. Are you sure?" I said yes and she then said "and that's why i chose you."
It was such an incredible moment. I went with her to Safeway so that she could get some food. I got on one knee and proposed to her for a second time. I proposed to her during our initial relationship. She said yes on both occasions. Ryan began texting and calling her like crazy. When she told him that I was chosen because I had acted, he talked about how he wanted to make up for it and that he couldn't stop thinking about her, etc. I spoke with him the next morning and tried to console him about the matter. From that day onward, Nathalie and I began hanging out more and it was great. We spent Labor Day weekend together; those were the best four days I have had thus far. She told her mom about the engagement. Her mom suggested that I visit their family for Christmas and break the news officially then. I told my parents too.
I know how much her religion was important to Nathalie, so I started meeting with representatives from her church and surprisingly enough, I really enjoyed what they had to say. I don't want to be preachy, but I felt like I needed to repair myself spiritually. I began meeting with them more and I was feeling better about that aspect of my life. About a week ago, Nathalie told me she isn't sure anymore. She told me that while she was with me, she felt great, but when she wasn't she felt lonely. She felt bad that she had to rely on my presence. She also told me that she couldn't stop thinking about Ryan, that she had a hard time listening to her music because they have similar tastes. Then she told me that she feels like she can't say "I love you" to me because it doesn't feel the same, that she doesn't feel the same way about me. She told me how much she enjoys his company and how he treats her like a princess.
I thought it was over, so I texted her mom and told her "thank you for everything." Her mom, shocked by this turn of events, called her. Her mom later told me that she was on my side and that Nathalie is conflicted and confused. It's true, Nathalie is conflicted and confused. She told me that she knows how I'm feeling, about having to wait for someone to make their decision, hoping they'd change their mind. But understandably, if she is going to make a decision, she has to be 110% sure. So I've been giving her time, and it hasn't been easy for me. I'm having a hard time eating. Most of the time, I'm only eating about one meal a day. The other day, I felt something inside of me. I thought of the life I could have without Nathalie and I didn't like it. I can't fathom my existence without her.
Suddenly, I realized, this is the girl I'm going to marry. Whenever I'm with her, I feel so complete and accomplished. We're in the midst of finals right now and have about two weeks until the current quarter ends. After that, we will have a one week break from school. And after that, I will be heading into my final quarter of school, looking to graduate by December. It's a lot that's happening to me right now: this thing with Nathalie, having to finish final projects, having to worry about graduation, having to worry about getting a job, and the whole thing about the possibility that I might be without a home within the next month. For the most part, all those other things are things I can deal with, but she is the most important thing to me. I'm trying to hold on, trying to fight for her without being pushy.
I don't want to pick this fruit when it's not yet ripe, lest I ruin everything. My last resort, should all else fail, whether she chooses him or neither of us, I will work my heart out to fly to visit her family. I will save what I can to get some sort of ring and right then and there, propose to her for one last time. She's not being manipulative, I know this, her mom knows this. She's not that kind of person, despite the fact that many of my male friends are saying that. Of course, they're just trying to look out for me. I've talked with so many people about this, even over-the-phone therapists.
This is truly a complicated and gray matter. Ryan's not a bad guy, but I just know that he can't possibly be the guy for her. She is the one. I know how crazy that sounds and perhaps even misguided. But I've never been so sure in my entire life. After everything I've done, Nathalie's a saint to even consider me. I can only hope for the best, here, and pray. It's just so hard, though, just to hang on. But this is my fight. So I ask you guys, do you think I deserve another chance? What do you think is going on in her head?

P.S. - when I said I'd spend the rest of my life making it up to her, I promised that I would buy her flowers once a month. She loves flowers. I bought her flowers just last weekend and left them at her doorstep. Her roommate remarked that it was "like from a movie!" When I met with her at church last Sunday, she couldn't stop telling me how good I looked. I want to take these, along with the fact that her mom is on my side, as encouraging signs and something to be glad about.

Talk about a crazy situation.

[VincenzoG91]

It's really important to break up your text into reasonable paragraphs. Reading the above wall of text is difficult, because it's easy to lose place without paragraph breaks as visual reference points. And the overall impact of your writing is lost, because the monolithic block of text sounds like a crazy non-stop talker who is turning blue in the face.

Until you edit this into something readable, all I can say is that good relationships are never complex, and bad relationships aren't worth the trouble.