How to deal with hot and cold?

[BeDour]

Ladies I really need your help here. I have a long background story with my current ex, and it would be exhausting to read, so I'll summarize. About 2 months ago we broke up (we dated for 5 years) because I lied about something (I didn't cheat, but said some unfavorable things that she heard about). She broke up with me because I've done dumb things before and she said she'd had enough. We didn't talk for a month. We then began communication again, and it slowly escalated. At this point we talk everyday for most of the day (through texting and calls), we're very flirty, we hang out regularly, we've had sex multiple times, and she's said she loves me. All was going well. Then about four days ago she started getting weird. She pulled back and said she didn't want to move too fast and didn't know if she wanted to date me again. I said that's fine we can be friends and go at whatever pace she wanted. Then the next day she's back to normal; extremely flirty, comes over that night and we kiss and cuddle. Next day: back to being cold and saying we should be just friends. I said that I love her very much and will go at whatever pace makes her comfortable. She says she just doesn't want to jump back into things and act like we're dating yet. I said that's ok we can slow it down. This morning she calls me and asks if I want to go get coffee with her before she goes to class. So I go and she's acting normal again...

It's just been constant back and forth the past few days and I'm not sure how to act. I'm fine with going slow or going fast. The pace doesn't concern me, but she keeps switching it up so I can't figure out if I should take it slow and act chill and nonchalant, or express my feelings more like we were doing for a while there. She only seems to get in these "slow it down" spells when we aren't physically together. When we hang out we're immidiately flirty and affectionate like we can't help it. It's like im dealing with a split personality...

Another thing that bugs me is she has a lot of guy friends. This isn't something new though, and she's known most of them since she was like...10 (she's 20 now), so they're all childhood friends. But I still can't help but worry and get jealious. Then again I know since we aren't officially together, it's probably out of line to express concerns over any of this, as she is free to do whatever she wants. I'm just scared of losing her...

We dated for 5 years, love each other very much, and we planning on getting a place together before the breakup happened. We were very, very serious. How should I handle all this? I'm very confused, and need a girls advice.

[Lisa89]

The hot and cold is an internal battle with herself. The sounds like she wants you back but at the same time shes worried about getting hurt again. All girls (including myself) do the hot and cold thing and unfortunately thats just one of our annoying traits. If you give her space, you'll find that she comes running back to you, but theres no guarantee she wont go frosty again. All I can suggest is put to put up with it. You really seem to want to make it work and by giving her time she'll start to settle. Not exactly what you want to hear I guess! But at the same time, you need to make her aware of how this is affecting you because its not fair for her to jerk you around and play with your feelings.

With the guy friends thing, thats just jealousy that you should expect really. As theyre all childhood friends I dont think you have anything to worry about, if anything she probably talks to them about your relationship looking for help rather than doing anything more than friendly with them.

If you can show her youve changed aswell an really want to make a go of things, I think itll work out for you guys. Girls are a sucker for a fairytale ending

[Raven_Skye]

All girls (including myself) do the hot and cold thing and unfortunately thats just one of our annoying traits.

Ehh. I don't do this. Last time I checked I was a girl. So not all girls. But maybe I'm just a weird one. I try to be as consistent as possible. But anyway. How to handle this? Talk to her. My advice about anything that bothers you, TALK about it, tell her it's hard for you that she keeps switching.. it's true that it is probably an internal conflict thing, but honestly, that's no excuse to make another miserable.

Plus the guys thing, I guess that's where you have to trust her. Jealousy can be a good thing, even if it's hard, it shows you care. Again you can talk to her about it, put it carefully so she doesn't feel like your claiming her, but if she's even the slightest bit smart she'll see it's a way of showing you care for her.

For me, the being friends with your ex thing doesn't really work if you're hanging out much so there I can't give you much advice on, but just.. try talking, sounds simple, but it's not.

[breacliff]

i think you just have to study for that. so that you could deal when its cold and hot. hehe thanks for sharing