Help?

[Jessop]

Hi i'm new and i'm having some problems, unfortunately I couldn't be more alone if I tried and have no one to speak to about my problems.

I have been with my girlfriend for 5 years, I love her like you couldn't imagine, we have lived together for most of the 5yrs so you can imagine she is a huge part of my life.

We have been through alot in the 5years but always overcome it, no cheating or anything silly just general relationship problems.

Last year I quit my full time job to go to university to turn my life around, she was doing a course that I was also interested in and off I went, we planned to do everything together, you know the usuall family, generally grow old together.

This year as part of her university course she got to go to Russia, by the time she had come back she had changed, she'd never cheat on me and I trust her, however she met this bloke who is much older than us (28) i'm 23 and she is 21. He has decided to be her agony aunt as such, he was in a long term relationship also, however he got out of his relationship because he likes my girlfriend, she told me this, anyway the story gets worse, this guys girlfriend was a manic depressive and he knew it, but he kept texting my girlfriend and being a general moron in my opinon what with knowing his girlfriend was a manic depressive and the fact my girlfriend has a lover (me)

My girlfriend is lovely and bubbly however due to her age, she is more uncertain than I am and seems to be in a rush to do everything travelling ect, and with his life experience @ 28 doing some interesting things he has begun to get in to my girlfriends mind, he tells her amazing storys of how life could be if she basically was free and single, and because she really wants to do things she takes it in.

Last week was the longest week of my life, she came round and wanted to get off her face with alcohol which isn't like her, she had something to tell me which I feared would be something like 'in russia I cheated on you' only because its out of her charictor to need to get drunk to tell me something. We anyway it was infact far worse, not only had she been texting him all the time 'flirting' but his manic depressive girlfriend went back to her home country to her family home and ended her life.

That is so sad, naturally although hurt to find out my girlfriend was getting really close to another bloke, and how things lead on to other things, I wanted to comfort her about this girl as the bloke in question text her, almost as if to make it out like she had something to do with it, the message read something like ' shes killed herself, i'm so sorry'

My girlfriend has been on a emotional downwood spiral since, and behind my back she went to see him because she had to know if he thought it was her fault ect. I never knew she did it but i would have let her because it could help her.

Shortly after she broke down crying saying she wasn't sure about us, everythings getting on top of her and she doesn't know what to do. I felt and still do like I had been ripped apart, I wanted to dissolve on the spot.

We are now on a break, while she clears her head, the bloke in question is still on the scene playing agony aunt which is highly frustrating for me, emailing her saying he misses her, which i think is so disrispectful considering his girlfriend was only burried 2 weeks ago, regardless to what he means by it, afterall although not completely the reason the girl died it still must have been a huge factor, if shes anything like me - i live for love- I want him to back off but he will tell her and I don't want to push her away further. But in the same breath I cant live like this, im getting depressed myself.

Although we are on a break, we are moving in together with some house mates at uni, but she said she doesn't know if we will stay together or not, but I agreed to live with her because there was a chance there, but after thinking on it, im really scared.

The feelings I have at the moment are so strong I don't know what im going to do the day she does end it with me, she might not but at the moment I feel on a major downer myself, and I have no one to talk too. literally. And I kind of don't want to either, please pray for me that it all works out. I suppose I should add in here that I too suffer from depression, and things get on top of me easily, im not going to kill myself I dont think because im too scared but if I feel this strong about it now, I go numb thinking about it.

Please don't tell me im stupid or anything for any of my feelings, there is so much more I could add to this. My bond with her is very strong and she loves me she just needs to get herself sorted, she keeps saying it could all be ok soon or whatever but I just want it to be ok now

Im seriously fragile at the moment, im a bloke and I often cry at work, I turn away so no one knows.

Why is this happening to me now? I love her so much, I dont want to pile on any other pressure on her by talking about it more.

I'm also sorry for the mess of a post.

I guess the only thing I can do is wait and see, only I can't operate properly in this state that i'm in.

We are so involved, if she dissapears she will take a huge chunk of me with her, I get most of my family life through her family (not that , its a good reason for me to want to stay with her) And i'm too imature to have her as anything other than my girlfriend, i couldn't live if I saw her with anyone else.

I'm so messed up. I just want her to know what this is doing to me, she thinks that girl was selfish because of what it has done to everyone around her which is fair call, but I understand why that girl did it and I feel sorry for her thinking of how bad it really must have been to get to that stage where she thought she couldn't live.

Is it pathetic to feel you love one person so much you would sooner die than live a day knowing it wasn't for them?

I'm expecting a mixed response, especially with talking about suicide but I think it's time I heard what othe peoples opinions on the subject.

Right now she is out with one of her friends, and is doing the same however my crowd of friends aren't people you can have a serious conversation with and would probably laugh at me.

[kitkitkitty]

i really think it's sad how all of this has happened. first and foremost, your gf needs to clear her head and she can't do so with this other guy buzzing around her the whole time. i think you should talk to her, face to face or over the phone and ask her to do as much as she can to ignore this guy even if it means her telling him to back off. i haven't been in this exact situation but my ex-now-best-mate knows he made the decision for us to break up partly because of this girl who couldn't keep her nose out while he was trying to concentrate on me and him. i think it's selfish of him to say those things and as you say, so soon after his gf has passed away. intentionally. i've had to watch 3 of my friends die and it's not something you can get over quickly. 1st step is what i said above about her telling this guy to stop contacting her FULL STOP. i think to some extent she already resents him for not leaving her alone. this is the main poit so i suggest you do it soon. and then, as planned, you leave her to think and at least YOU will respect that she needs to put the puzzle back together.

[Jessop]

Thanks for your reply, Unfortunately it's not that easy, 2 reasons

1. Hes a hell of a lot bigger than me (big irish lad @ 28), i'm not afraid of anyone, but if he didn't listen and it did turn violent (being blokes) I would have to do something 'serious' to make him understand and to back off - Which I don't want to do, i'm not like that but I would if I felt I had no other way. Which in turn would probably then make her feel sorry for him or something and drive her to him.

2. He is her' agony aunt', I told her to read between the lines as such, hes obviously going to be a great listener especially if hes interested in her, (doesn't help she is drop dead gorgeous)

But I don't want to always put a downer on everything for her, me saying he's only interested because he wants her, will make her feel like 'a thing' if you catch me.

I love her to bits, i'm so stuck.

I know I just have to go with it, and give her space, only she can decided our relationships fate, but I don't know how I will live with the decision if it's not good.

I can't believe he talks to her still, he should show some respect for his X who killed herself, partly because she was so distraught at the prospect of not being with him anymore, apparantly she tried to throw herself out a window at a party too before so she was obviously in no fit state to cope with him breaking it off, imo he failed her as a lover.Rather than worrying about himself, he should have been making sure she got help before he broke it off and made sure she was in a stable mental state. He obviously will be feeling down about her death and need to talk to people but am I the only one who thinks my girlfriend (the one he was texting/flirting with before his girlfriend died) is just plain wrong?