What on eath could he possibly be thinking...?

[Khryalasi]

Long story short: We dated for over a year and a half, had some great times as well as some pretty bad ones. Pretty madly in love, though. Dumped me last year over a misunderstanding, then swore it was the worst mistake of his life and he would never do it again because I was the best thing that ever happened to him. Also, as I mentioned on another thread, he has always said that no matter how many times he walked away in anger, he would always, ALWAYS come back (yeah, way to mess with someone's head, lol).

So 6 weeks ago today, he got angry and broke up with me. At first I did the begging and pleading but it just made him angrier, so I started leaving him alone.

Over the course of the last few weeks, he has been writing me more and more and more. In the past 2 weeks alone, we have talked on the phone more than 24 hours total. All at HIS initiative, not mine. I rarely contact him at all, he calls and writes me constantly. However, no mention of getting back together. The conversations are fun and friendly, with a little bit of flirting and some sexual comments here and there, but still no mention of getting back together, which he knows I want.

Oh, and I know he's not dating anyone else, because he would tell me quite frankly. He has no qualms about doing that.

So what confuses me is this: If he were just using me as an ego boost, or a "just in case" measure, wouldn't the phone calls and texts be getting fewer and further between, rather than more and more frequent? Wouldn't he be losing interest as his feelings for me waned, rather than increasing the level of contact?

[xxazurexx]

Reminds me of the kinda relationship I had with my ex. We were together, split and got back together a few times.

Then came a split for a couple of months and he got in touch. He called me all the time, up to ten times a day sometimes and we'd chat, laugh, sexual inneuendo, etc, etc......but no mention of us getting back together. This went on for a YEAR!!!....Every single thing was initiated by him and his contact remained regular and consistant.

I used to wonder the same as you. That I could'nt just be an ego boost, or he'd only call me once in a blue moon. I couldn't have been a 'backburner girl' either, else his calls wouldn't have come every day and more than once a day, for a YEAR!!

It's only been 2 weeks for you...who knows, things may work out and you might get back together - it is still early days.

But for me. Well I got tired of trying to figure out what it all meant and for what purpose he wanted to keep me around. After numerous attempts to break free and failing, I finally found the strength to break free and stick to no contact. This was four months ago and looking back it's the best thing I ever did. I'm with someone else now, ....I have no clue what he is up too.

Don't let it linger on. Give it 2 or 3 more weeks and if nothings changed, leave.....or else be resigned to the 'friendzone'. And it aint a nice place to be, when you have feelings for someone.

[cmacattack1]

Some people get caught up in the cycle of breaking up and getting back together and actually believe it's how relationships are. You are caught in it right now, it sounds like he is too and I think a lot of us at some point were as well. But it's not right, it's not how things are supposed to be, it's an indicator that things are broken. The more you try and get back together, the more it should be sinking in that "Nothing is changing no matter how many times we do this." And nothing is changing. He breaks up, he thinks he is right, he gets lonely, he wants what he had before. He gets it back and it's back to normal. Simple logic states that as long as you guys are the same people, no matter how many times you try and get back together, you won't work out. Even if you come a long way and change your bad habits and mistakes (you do things wrong too), if he doesn't change, it doesn't matter. You guys still won't work out.

Break ups are serious situations. While they are a part of the relationship, they are also a part of the relationship ending. They aren't something that shouldn't be just dropped when you feel like it and then taken back. He may not realize this, but every time he does it, he is breaking you down further and further. It's up to you to break this cycle since he's intertwined in it. I used to do the whole breaking up and getting back together thing, but nothing actually happened until we did break the cycle, I was on my own, I got my shit sorted out and that's when I really made a change. So for the both of you, you have to resist his attempts.

I know you can't help how you feel but you have to think logically here. The longer this goes on, the less chance you guys have a future. It hurts not to be with him, and it's lonely, but we all find a way to deal when we all go through breakups. For your best interest, to give yourself time to be apart, to heal, to find yourself again, to learn from this experience, you have to cut yourself off from this. He may not understand but he will at some point, you can try your best to explain, but most likely with all the emotions flying he won't. So don't get caught in a dragged out, overly long explanation. Just say you aren't happy, he don't know what you want and he has hurt you time and time again. Once he have proven yourself as a failure, it will be always set in stone. It's still not the end of the world for either of you.

[Khryalasi]

Thank you so much for replying. He's gone to bed now, but we spent the evening sending instant messages back and forth.. And I'm more confused than ever.

xxazurexx, you say this happened to you, and it went on for over a year. I was wondering, did you still have feelings for him during that year? Did you ever bring up the fact that you wanted to get back together? And when you finally quit replying, how did he respond? I assume from your comment about how you have no idea what he's up to now, that he eventually did quit trying.. I was just wondering how long before he gave up, and what kind of texts or emails or whatever he was leaving at the end.

cma, I'm interested in how you are equating my responding to his friendly overtures with "failure". On some level, I kinda know what you mean.. He's not stupid by any stretch, so he must know I want him back.. So for me to continue being friendly with him, to continue talking to him and flirting and responding to his sexual comments, in your opinion, I'm just looking like an idiot? I don't want to look like an idiot, but in some masochistic way, having him in my life as just a friend is better than not at all, even though I love him very deeply still..

I guess my concern here is that part of me sincerely believes we still have an extremely strong bond, and that we can overcome this breakup.. As we have before. If I quit replying to him, what chance do I have of ever getting him back?

That's what worries me.

P.S. I am extremely embarrassed that I misspelled "earth" in my post title... /facepalm

[weibin]

He doesn't want to hurt you anymore, everytime you two stay together, he will be angry and leave eventually. He wants to keep the relationship, yet he's afraid of losing his temper when you are together. In order to avoid his anger posed on you, he tries to write and call as a way to harmonize the relationship between you and him. If you could understand the cause of his anger and try to neutralize that, he would probably be back to you in a satisfied way.

[Khryalasi]

Honestly, weibin, he -is- an angry person and I have no idea why, but yeah, he does get angry with me a LOT. Every time we have ever broken up, it was because he got angry over some minor thing that happened, then he always cools off and comes back. I wish I knew what it was that makes him so angry.. I will give it some thought, thank you for mentioning it.

On that note, I have been giving this a great deal of consideration, and I have come to realize that I'm not ready to give up on him just yet. As mentioned above, I'm going to stick it out at least a couple more weeks and see what happens. However, I have also come to realize that I am being far, far too available for him since our breakup. It has been more than 6 weeks, and he has obviously "cooled down" since getting angry and dumping me, but the fact that he hasn't asked me back is, I believe, partly due to the fact that I am ALWAYS THERE for him, anyhow.

I honestly believe that to some degree, he very much wants me in his life. He is not a very happy person due to mental issues over which he has no control, and he has often told me that I make him laugh and smile more than anyone, which is probably why he always comes back after getting angry and doing rash things. I have very much maintained a cheerful demeanor when we do chat and talk, but the problem is, he has never really had a chance to see what life is like without me. Considering that a mere week or two before this most recent breakup, he was telling me how much he loved and needed me in his life, I believe it is time for him to see the potential consequence of dumping me yet again, which is losing my companionship permanently.

I'm not a very strong-willed person, so this isn't going to be easy, but for the next couple of weeks, I am going to strive to be much, much less available to him. I cannot cut off all communication, because he knows me well enough to know that when I'm not working, I'm usually in front of the computer, lol.. Going completely "no contact" will most likely only be seen by him as a game and an attempt at manipulation, so it does not seem in my best interest. I can, however, simply stop replying as much, or tell him in a friendly manner that I'm busy right now, maybe we can chat later. He has been using me as an emotional crutch, and he needs to learn whether or not he really wants to walk without his crutch.

Also, there is simply no chase involved when I jump to reply to his every text, instant message, and phone call. I know that men do like to chase to some degree, and I'm not allowing him to do that at all.

If, after a couple of weeks he still wants to be best friends but seems no closer to wanting me back, then I will have to go ahead and do what I previously considered unthinkable: Tell him that I simply can't be friends with him, and end all communication. It hurts just thinking about, but after reading xxazurexx's post, I REALLY don't want to end up being strung along as a friend for a year or so, and I can easily see that happening with him.

I will continue posting here and let you all know how it goes. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

[Khryalasi]

Well, I sort of lost it last night.

We were on the phone, at his request, and the conversation was going oddly.. I was in a bad mood, but trying to be cheerful.. He was going back and forth between saying weird, somewhat hurtful things, and being flirtatious.. We talk very bluntly and crassly to each other at times, and at one point, I said playfully, "**** you." That used to be a joke between us, because when I'd say it, he'd say, "Anytime, baby!"

Well, that's not what he said.. What he said was, "No, I don't think so." That kind of threw me off, and I said, "Um, OK.. Not **** you?" He said, "That's better."

Needless to say, my mood went rapidly downhill after that, and we only talked for about another half hour before he said it was time for him to go, saying, "Your mood has obviously gotten dark and grumpy."

That's when an idea that I've been forming in my head for a while came up, and I knew right then that I was going to do it.. I said, "I'm sorry."

He said, "Meh, you get moods at times."

I said quietly, "No, I'm sorry because.. I still love you.. I have to go.. Bye." And I hung up.

Now, before you all think I did it in order to win him back, no, just the opposite. I did it to push him away. I have come to realize that I don't seem to have the strength to walk away from him myself, and I knew saying that would either piss him off or disgust him or whatever, and that in all likelihood, I wouldn't hear from him again after that. And I probably won't, although there's also a chance he'll just start talking to me again today as if nothing ever happened.

The cool part is, I thought I would wake up this morning feeling a tremendous amount of regret.. I haven't. Part of me feels quite good about it, like maybe, this is it.. I can finally move on and start healing. Yes, I'm going to miss his company and conversation, but the amount of pain I was feeling at having to pretend I didn't still want him back was increasing exponentially, and starting to take over. So hopefully, this will take care of that.

IF he doesn't write me, that is.

Only time will tell, I guess. Thanks for reading this.

[cmacattack1]

I see that you've tried the "being friends" thing and while it all sounds great and dandy, it's pretty much impossible. When you have feelings there, and you are settling for something that's less than what you had before and what you want, you are settling for unhappiness pretty much. I know you want to have him as a friend in your life, but you can't sit there and tell anyone with a straight face that he is just a friend and he enhances your life in that role. He doesn't. You know this.

Friends don't really joke about saying "**** you to each other", and you were expecting him to respond to that how he used to.

It's just not that way anymore. No matter how badly you want it to be like it used to, it's not. And the longer you try this, the longer you will really keep the wound open. You can't say you feel good about yourself, and that you are happy. He's a part of this unhappiness. You need to remove yourself from him and the situation. When you stop calling and he inevitably calls you again, tell him in a calm voice you would prefer if it he didn't. You need to be on your own, you need your space and so on. It doesn't matter if he understands, this is about you. You don't need any long or drawn out explanation. Regardless of his reaction, do not be afraid of being on your own. He may respond with threats like "This is it, I'm never coming back" or whatever. Don't respond to it. Don't be afraid of it. He is not the only person in this world for you and you deserve better treatment. If you settle for this kind of shit treatment, you are only worth that much. Get your self respect back.

Stop focusing on trying to win him back. All your begging and pleading pushed him away anyway remember? You should be focused on how to live your life without him. One day at a time. You can do it. It takes a shitload of focus, mental strength, and you need to utilize everyone and everything at your disposal that's not him or his friends. Focus on schoolwork or your job, focus on going to the gym to work out a bit and feel better, focus on doing things that make you happy (volunteering, sports, crocheting, anything). Get in touch with friends you may have fallen out of because of your focus on this guy. Every day is a struggle and you have to find your way through. It will be easier and it will get better though. You will hit rough patches, and you will have to find a way to push through it. Everything will be okay, you will be okay.

[ConfusedAlex]

Long story short: We dated for over a year and a half, had some great times as well as some pretty bad ones. Pretty madly in love, though. Dumped me last year over a misunderstanding, then swore it was the worst mistake of his life and he would never do it again because I was the best thing that ever happened to him. Also, as I mentioned on another thread, he has always said that no matter how many times he walked away in anger, he would always, ALWAYS come back (yeah, way to mess with someone's head, lol).

So 6 weeks ago today, he got angry and broke up with me. At first I did the begging and pleading but it just made him angrier, so I started leaving him alone.

Over the course of the last few weeks, he has been writing me more and more and more. In the past 2 weeks alone, we have talked on the phone more than 24 hours total. All at HIS initiative, not mine. I rarely contact him at all, he calls and writes me constantly. However, no mention of getting back together. The conversations are fun and friendly, with a little bit of flirting and some sexual comments here and there, but still no mention of getting back together, which he knows I want.

Oh, and I know he's not dating anyone else, because he would tell me quite frankly. He has no qualms about doing that.

So what confuses me is this: If he were just using me as an ego boost, or a "just in case" measure, wouldn't the phone calls and texts be getting fewer and further between, rather than more and more frequent? Wouldn't he be losing interest as his feelings for me waned, rather than increasing the level of contact?

It sounds like he's either manipulative, or a bit unstable.

[ianoulla]

Hello - I hope I can put some objectivity to you, as I am trying to with my own situation. I have come to the conclusion there are people out there who only want what they can't have, the minute the unavailable becomes available, the thrill wears off. Of course, he's comfortable with you as you've been in a relationship with him, so you're an accommodating person to him by habit. Try to do, what I am trying to do, TREAT THEM MEAN, KEEP THEM KEEN, then eventually I hope both you and I will realise, we no longer care if they are keen!!

My advice is, let him eat his heart out and realise what he lost, maybe he will learn something and become a nicer person! You are straightforward like me, not everybody else is, that's our dilemma and problem, how do we deal with the others who invent the rules as they go along.

By writing out our thoughts here we are moving forward, as we realise we're not nuts........ you have played his games and he gets off on bringing you down! He's not worth it, though I know you know it, but you are pulled back constantly as memories of good times together have not faded. They will, as somebody on here said to me, get real, he dropped you just like that basically. I'm trying to get real.

Good luck to you.