need urgent advice. what to do about my controlling bf?

[pamber]

I'm 18 years old and been with my boyfriend for 2 years next month. Anyway, when i first met him he was the local player. he had loads of girls, but he genuinely calmed down after we got together.
However, for the past year and a half hes been controlling. He doesn't like me wearing certain clothes. He says he doesnt like the shape of my boobs being on show (and this is in tops such jumpers or baggy tshirts) and makes me wear really long cardigans/coats to cover the shape of my bum. No flesh is ever on show, but he calls me a slag for how i dress. He says i only do it to get guys attentions and he only tells me what to wear so no men look at me. but i dont dress in a provocative way at all

Not only this but he doesn't let me talk to any of my old school friends who are all guys cause hes convinced i have been in a relationship with them all, despite the fact ive told him fully about my past.

He has been abusive and hit me a few times, but hes seemed to have controlled himself more now with the anger. He wont even accept me on facebook and put me as his girlfried because he doesnt want his friends to look at my face. :S

i really am madly in love with him, and he can be the nicest boyfriend in the world. but his anger and jealousy are too much. am i being stupid, or should i do something about it? please, im so confused its unbelievable

[cmacattack1]

First of all, I just want to point out that he does not make you do anything. I guess maybe you feel this way because he's been abusive, both emotionally and physically, but he does not make you do anything. You are choosing to do this to satisfy him. You are responsible for staying in this and I think you should find your way out as soon as possible.

I know you love him and you can't help how you feel. But as sick as it sounds, he probably doesn't think anything he has done is wrong. Some people have their own opinion of love and he very well think that he is a great person or a great boyfriend and loves you. What he is doing is not okay though. If he smacks you around or asserts his opinion on what you should wear, and you are still his girlfriend at the end of the day, he really isn't going to learn that what he is doing is wrong. A lot of people learn the hard way, and I think for both his and your sake, you should send him packing. You are only worth as much as you allow yourself to be treated as, and while he can be nice at times, you are basically sending him the message that you are worth as much as a piece of shit because you allow him to hit you and berate you in such a way.

Whats the first and foremost thing we want to be in a relationship with somebody? It's because we enjoy being around that person, you have fun, you have a great time. Do you guys even have fun anymore? When he is drilling you like your at boot camp in the military on what to wear, I can't imagine it being very much so. You don't sound very happy, you sound like you are walking around on eggshells when you are around him, and that creates much stress and tension in a relationship and goes against what you are trying to build here.

He is not the only person in the world for you. There are other people that can make you happy and treat you like you are a real human being and not some out of control person that needs his constant interference to keep you in line. And it is your fault to stay in this as long as you have and to continue to longer. It's scary being on your own but you will find somebody else. I promise you.

[pamber]

I completely understand what youre saying and i completely agree. but i dont know how to leave him.
i feel as if, if i try to leave him now i have no genuine there and then reason to do it therefore i have no foot to stand on in the arguement to leaving.
im also scared if i do try to leave him hell just threaten me and scare me into staying, and then im in the same position for even longer

[MerryH]

There doesn't have to be an argument about your leaving; don't allow for one to happen. Don't wait for something to happen that gives you a "genuine reason" to end it. You have plenty of reasons. He's a weird, controlling abuser. That's enough. And it's not like he's going to be ok with you leaving if you have a "genuine reason", anyway.

You're right to be scared of him threatening you into staying since he's been violent in the past. You're going to have to be careful about it, but be smart, be strong, don't give in, and you can do it.

So, how to leave him? Well, do you live together? Is there any reason at all you would have to see him after this, like having to attend the same school, or anything? Do you have close family or friends?

[cmacattack1]

Yeah, you can't talk your way out of this, and more likely than not, with his emotions running wild, he isn't going to understand anyway. But you aren't happy, right? That's reason enough. His interpretations of this aren't anything you really have control over, he's going to think what he wants to think. But you have to do this for you. You can't sit around and wait and suffer and keep your fingers crossed that he is going to cheat on you. You could but you are going to get emotionally beat down and more miserable by the day. That's not fair to either of you. You guys breaking up is an opportunity for you to find happiness on your own again, wearing clothes you want to wear because you like them and it makes you feel good. For you to associate with other males that are friends without him breathing down your neck. It is also an opportunity for him to really work on himself and fix his ways because him acting this way is what lost you in the first place. It will probably take a few tries and a few different girlfriends for him to realize he is the common denominator in all of his breakups, but it will sink in eventually.

Stand up to him and don't be pressured into staying with somebody you don't truly want to be with. He cannot force you to do anything you don't want to.

[sapphire109]

He's abusing you. That's wrong. He doesn't deserve a relationship with you. You should actually be calling the cops on him hurting you. Don't hurt yourself, you have issues walking away, and with yourself in general. Seek counselling. It has gotten beyond control and you need professional help xx