I'm 63 he's 42

[ianoulla]

I am 63 but my ex is 42, he thinks I am 51, that's his estimate of my age. Well, I say ex, but after 3 yrs of him pursuing me, the last 2 weeks he finally wore me down and asked me to be his girlfriend, I agreed, but warned him I wasn't a pushover or desperate. He asked about my age, I said guess, he said 51, so I smiled and said yes, he was right, adding age is just a number, which he agreed. I am often mistaken for a woman in her late 40s or early 50s, I guess I'm lucky, it's not something I try to do, it just happens. When I was younger I was always mistaken for somebody much younger.....which is quite nice. I told him I'm not desperate because I'm older than him, or that I'm easy prey. I told him truthfully I had never had an affair in my life.

I held back all this time because I knew he was younger. We are so totally meant to be together, we fit in every sense, we are both married, we both know the score, but decided to try to share some time away from the eyes of people. From the moment he made it clear about his feelings and desires, it almost became impossible, he was elusive, phoning and txting me, full of desire and love. For 2 weeks the intensity of his feelings blew me away, he was like a drug...... I held back, I didnt sleep with him, I wanted him to prove himself to me..... at least that he cared.

Then after this intense period, he just disappeared - he was evasive for 2 days after we met and our physical meeting proved the intensity of the feelings between us us. I asked him always to be truthful, if I was a disappointment or he was, we were to say. Last things he said were plans for meeting in the future days. Then. Nothing. He was supposed to contact me about a business matter that he had strung out for too long, I said I needed to know info, he didn't so I texted him to ask what was wrong was he avoiding me, he was angry, said I don't need this now. I had warned him over the business matter, not to waste my time. He kept me on a string. He then said he was at a funeral with his wife, which of course I didn't know. He's so secretive, how would I know, I'm not a mind reader.

Can anybody out there help me understand what happened. We both live in a country where open affairs or being blatant about seeing other people would be the ruin of us, in every sense. I didn't want him to jeopardise his marriage, he didn't want me to either. It was a fantasy borne out of 3 yrs of strong attraction, playful fun, I loved being around him and he me, we made each other laugh, I told him I don't want anything from you, just show me that you care, that's all. He promised me all sorts, I want to love you, discover you, take you to a dream place, meet you in Milan, Rome, or wherever, totally indulge you with everything. He said I want to be with you, I can't take my eyes off you, I want to just look at you, you have an aura..... never once did I respond in kind, I held back, because it's my nature to be sure before I reveal myself, I was nervous of all of this.

It's now more than a week since we had contact, I feel totally bereft, as if I have lost somebody through death, the sense of loss and longing is unbearable. I haven't contacted him, I want to badly. I am upset but also angry that his pursuit of me has ruined our lovely friendship, what do I do now.

Can any man tell me, what goes through a man's mind when he looks at an older woman he finds attractive and who might respond to him. Does he think she's desperate, she hasn't got any feelings, or she's old it doesn't matter.......

I am trying to make sense of this, each day passes and I feel more confused. I just want to know then I think I can move on. I am now abroad, but will be returning to this country to work in 3 weeks, what do I do when I see him, say nothing, ignore him.

[xxazurexx]

Lucky you still being able to pull guys in your sixties. Hope when I'm that age, I have that 'touch'

If you had slept wit him, I'd have said he got what he wanted and came for, you served his purpose. But because you didn't sleep with him, I'm thinking that perhaps he just came to his senses and realised he has a wife who he married for better or worse and he has responsibilities. Or, because he never got what he wanted, ie: sex.....he lost interest. If they lose interest that easily though and because they didn't get sex, there was never truly that huge of an interest anyway.

Maybe he thinks it just wouldn't work with you, the age gap and everything. End of the day you may look years younger, look great, he desires you....but there is still nearly a 20 year age gap between you.

[ianoulla]

Hi - yes I think what you say makes sense - I didn't want to think this way, (well for a moment in time), but...... but we both knew it wasn't going anywhere, but we wanted to experience each other and give in to our instincts emotionally and physically, but we didn't only because I held back, wary of the damage this might do to me. But, I just want him to tell me, then I can move on.... My dilemma is, I will be seeing him soon and I want to get some kind of closure, any suggestions on how to do this. I just want him to tell me, then I will accept that is the end. Incidentally his wife is 29, so 34 years between his wife and me.

Thank you for your thoughtful reply, I appreciate it......

[xxazurexx]

I think the fact that he is acting differently around you now and doesn'tseem to have time for you anymore, gives you all the answers you need to be honest.

I'd just try to put him behind me, put it all down to an experience and move on. End of day, you are both married people.

[ianoulla]

Hi again, well I heard from my ex today, a pleasant enquiring txt. I confess I was waiting for this. At the moment we are both a few thousand miles apart. But in 3 weeks we will be in the same place. I accept it's time to move on, but as a rational person, I would just like him to explain the strange behaviour and his reasons for doing what he did, then I will feel I can accept everything and move on. The most important thing is that we are pleasant to each other, we live and work in a small place, people pick up on the smallest things. I want to feel comfortable when he's around and just be pleasant. What has been so difficult to handle, is the intense behaviour, all that love, throwing himself at me, so much outpouring on his part. However crude the explanation, I will accept, at least him trying to explain will be something. But to be subjected to 3 yrs of intense pursuit, love etc and then in 2 weeks, even more, then..... nothing without explanation - to be left hanging in the air as if I had committed a crime......

Well, let's see how things go......

[Chlorine]

..... to be left hanging in the air as if I had committed a crime......

Ianoulla------No, no crime other than showing him that you are madly in love with him.

You don't need an explanation from him. You want an explanation but actually you don't need it. You should just shut down completely and ignore him at work. Be thankful that he ignored you.It has shown you that he can and WILL drop you at anytime he pleases.

[Sonrisa]

you give me such great hope. i am looking forward to my old days of intensely pursuing love and being able to text.

[doppelgaenger]

You are old Sonrisa

You cougar, you.

[Sonrisa]

You are old Sonrisa

You cougar, you.

not old enough for "intense behaviour, all that love, throwing himself at me"

[ianoulla]

Thanks to all of you, it is helping me move forward. I am not responding, I am determined to keep my dignity. It gives me a great feeling to know that I can still stir a young handsome man to his very core. In my whole life I only ever experienced this twice, I married my husband following a love affair of this intensity 40 yrs ago, and now my ex. I'm just one of those people who never played around, I've been asked out many times, but the REAL thing doesn't come along that often, which is just the way it is for me. That is why it was hard in the end after 3 yrs of his pursuit, to resist!

I know I've always given sound advice to friends in similar situations, telling them not to let their heart rule their head, of course, people will do what they want. But when it's happening to you, your heart definitely takes over, that's the problem. You end up almost hating yourself for being so stupid, but turning away from one of the greatest joys in life is the hardest thing to do, even though you know it will all end in tears, it somehow seemed so worth the risks, for a moment or two in paradise.

Now, though I am hurt, I feel vibrant and alive again, people are reacting to me so differently, love definitely makes the world go around. I felt intensely alive, I still do..... I am trying to hang on to the positives, which aren't many when you get to my age, eg husband who just wants me to get old with him, sit and watch tv at night, just be content with boredom.....

I am still a girl and love to feel this.

[Infern0]

I am 63 but my ex is 42, he thinks I am 51, that's his estimate of my age. Well, I say ex, but after 3 yrs of him pursuing me, the last 2 weeks he finally wore me down and asked me to be his girlfriend, I agreed, but warned him I wasn't a pushover or desperate. He asked about my age, I said guess, he said 51, so I smiled and said yes, he was right, adding age is just a number, which he agreed. I am often mistaken for a woman in her late 40s or early 50s, I guess I'm lucky, it's not something I try to do, it just happens. When I was younger I was always mistaken for somebody much younger.....which is quite nice. I told him I'm not desperate because I'm older than him, or that I'm easy prey. I told him truthfully I had never had an affair in my life.

I held back all this time because I knew he was younger. We are so totally meant to be together, we fit in every sense, we are both married, we both know the score, but decided to try to share some time away from the eyes of people. From the moment he made it clear about his feelings and desires, it almost became impossible, he was elusive, phoning and txting me, full of desire and love. For 2 weeks the intensity of his feelings blew me away, he was like a drug...... I held back, I didnt sleep with him, I wanted him to prove himself to me..... at least that he cared.

Then after this intense period, he just disappeared - he was evasive for 2 days after we met and our physical meeting proved the intensity of the feelings between us us. I asked him always to be truthful, if I was a disappointment or he was, we were to say. Last things he said were plans for meeting in the future days. Then. Nothing. He was supposed to contact me about a business matter that he had strung out for too long, I said I needed to know info, he didn't so I texted him to ask what was wrong was he avoiding me, he was angry, said I don't need this now. I had warned him over the business matter, not to waste my time. He kept me on a string. He then said he was at a funeral with his wife, which of course I didn't know. He's so secretive, how would I know, I'm not a mind reader.

Can anybody out there help me understand what happened. We both live in a country where open affairs or being blatant about seeing other people would be the ruin of us, in every sense. I didn't want him to jeopardise his marriage, he didn't want me to either. It was a fantasy borne out of 3 yrs of strong attraction, playful fun, I loved being around him and he me, we made each other laugh, I told him I don't want anything from you, just show me that you care, that's all. He promised me all sorts, I want to love you, discover you, take you to a dream place, meet you in Milan, Rome, or wherever, totally indulge you with everything. He said I want to be with you, I can't take my eyes off you, I want to just look at you, you have an aura..... never once did I respond in kind, I held back, because it's my nature to be sure before I reveal myself, I was nervous of all of this.

It's now more than a week since we had contact, I feel totally bereft, as if I have lost somebody through death, the sense of loss and longing is unbearable. I haven't contacted him, I want to badly. I am upset but also angry that his pursuit of me has ruined our lovely friendship, what do I do now.

Can any man tell me, what goes through a man's mind when he looks at an older woman he finds attractive and who might respond to him. Does he think she's desperate, she hasn't got any feelings, or she's old it doesn't matter.......

I am trying to make sense of this, each day passes and I feel more confused. I just want to know then I think I can move on. I am now abroad, but will be returning to this country to work in 3 weeks, what do I do when I see him, say nothing, ignore him.

Its hard for me to say because im a lot younget than you guys but i'll give my opinion anyway.

I really like women to be a little older than me, in fact the woman i belive to be my soul mate is 30 (im 24) right now she thinks the age gap is too much, so im keeping things cool and hoping that in a few years the gap wont be as much of a problem.

On to your situation, there are a lot of possibilities, i mean if he persued you for 3 years he obviously likes you, trust me if he wasnt that interested he would have floated off before now, from what you put in your post i think the reason he is being quiet is obvious, things have gone up a notch. Where before it was the thrill of the chase he has now got what he wanted, and he needs to consider the possible consiquences of what happens next. My advice is to decide what you really want, there are other people involved in this but at the end of the day you have to look after yourself first and foremost. If you want to be with this man then you have to tell him that, all he has gotten is some physical fun, poured his heart out to you and you kept quiet.

I dont mean to sound rude, but its time you started acting more maturely, decide what you want and act on it, if you are not interested tell him, make him understand that and put an end to it, if you really do care about him, tell him that and move forwards.

[ianoulla]

Good morning, well I think you have come closest to my understanding + how I feel about the whole thing. You are one of those people with natural instinct and understanding of others, your soulmate is lucky.

It is now 2 weeks since my ex and I actually were physically together, that particular day sealed it for us. I believe you are right, from that moment, everything became so intense and possibly dangerous for him. As you know from my posting, I don't indulge in this sort of thing generally, so for me it was v meaningful. I was prepared at that point to meet with him occasionally, always in secret, I truly didn't want to disturb anything for him or myself. He said to me you will save my marriage!!

Where am I now, we have had 1 pleasant exchange of txt. In a little more than 2 weeks, we will come face to face. This is when I will ask him, what is our situation, what he says to me, will obviously affect my feelings. If he admits (not likely) it was a long complicated game which fizzled out, I hope we can remain, fun friends as we were before, our chance meetings (engineered by him I believe), were loaded with the most delicious pleasure, for me they were the highpoint of my day. These meetings left us both completely lovestruck, unable to sleep, restless, pining for a word from each other. If he shows the same interest, I will make it clear about my feelings, +we have to be honest with each other so as not to cause stupid misunderstandings, be clear about things, eg when we can meet, speak, etc.

It is likely both of us will be freer to meet in other countries, this was his intention, well he said it was what he was planning. I had come to the conclusion after 3 yrs of turning him down and not taking it seriously, so when he approached me so fully of love and desire, this was something I could not turn away from. I felt I was mature enough to deal with what came and look on the positives. I am now in a 40 yr marriage which had its highspots, enough lows, now we grind along to old age, that is my husband's wish. But the nature of my work is connected to the arts, music etc, so I feel constantly rejuvenated and I want to go with that flow. Incidentally, this is not the first young man to approach me, I have never been remotely interested in the past.

If it was all a game to get me into bed quickly, I will know when I look him in the eye, I will withdraw and continue with my life and work which gives me constant pleasant and access to a daily joy. In the meantime until I see him again, I am in limbo, but trying hard to be rational.

Thank you for your very thoughtful reply, it makes sense.

[Infern0]

Good morning, well I think you have come closest to my understanding + how I feel about the whole thing. You are one of those people with natural instinct and understanding of others, your soulmate is lucky.

It is now 2 weeks since my ex and I actually were physically together, that particular day sealed it for us. I believe you are right, from that moment, everything became so intense and possibly dangerous for him. As you know from my posting, I don't indulge in this sort of thing generally, so for me it was v meaningful. I was prepared at that point to meet with him occasionally, always in secret, I truly didn't want to disturb anything for him or myself. He said to me you will save my marriage!!

Where am I now, we have had 1 pleasant exchange of txt. In a little more than 2 weeks, we will come face to face. This is when I will ask him, what is our situation, what he says to me, will obviously affect my feelings. If he admits (not likely) it was a long complicated game which fizzled out, I hope we can remain, fun friends as we were before, our chance meetings (engineered by him I believe), were loaded with the most delicious pleasure, for me they were the highpoint of my day. These meetings left us both completely lovestruck, unable to sleep, restless, pining for a word from each other. If he shows the same interest, I will make it clear about my feelings, +we have to be honest with each other so as not to cause stupid misunderstandings, be clear about things, eg when we can meet, speak, etc.

It is likely both of us will be freer to meet in other countries, this was his intention, well he said it was what he was planning. I had come to the conclusion after 3 yrs of turning him down and not taking it seriously, so when he approached me so fully of love and desire, this was something I could not turn away from. I felt I was mature enough to deal with what came and look on the positives. I am now in a 40 yr marriage which had its highspots, enough lows, now we grind along to old age, that is my husband's wish. But the nature of my work is connected to the arts, music etc, so I feel constantly rejuvenated and I want to go with that flow. Incidentally, this is not the first young man to approach me, I have never been remotely interested in the past.

If it was all a game to get me into bed quickly, I will know when I look him in the eye, I will withdraw and continue with my life and work which gives me constant pleasant and access to a daily joy. In the meantime until I see him again, I am in limbo, but trying hard to be rational.

Thank you for your very thoughtful reply, it makes sense.

For now just relax a little and see what happens next time you see him, by the way I doubt if his intention was just to get you into bed, as i said before 3 years is a long time to persue someone if you dont have deep feelings for them.