Should I put my foot down?

[duran_ii]

Hi everyone,

I made a thread sometime ago on suggestions on how to get my ex back. However, this is a bit different.

Just a brief overview on the situation: My ex gf and I broke up about a month ago after a 1 year relationship. Days after she broke up, she went into a rebound relationship with another guy who she only knew for 3 weeks and is still in college (she's 26, he's 20). He is pretty much my opposite in most areas. I know for a fact that she did not cheat on me, nor did she really talk to this guy before we broke up. I know this because I still had access to her cell phone account online.

Anyway, I forgave her for what she did and wished her luck. I then proceeded with NC for about a week. Afterwards, she contacts me. First it was just some texts, then eventually evolved into her calling me. She has told me before that she missed me and one time, she asked if I still thought about her. She also acknowledged that she kept all my stuff that I ever gave her. She never threw them away or put them in a box or whatever.

Over the past 2 weeks, I've spoken to her on the phone about 4-5 times. Each time lasting around 20-30 minutes. One time, it was for an hour and a half. Most of the conversation is friendly. Sometimes it gets heavy briefly. Whenever it gets heavy (i.e. talking about feelings, etc.), she tries to change the subject. For the most part, pretty casual. We talk about work, people we know and our favorite show. Sometimes I'd bring up some memories from our relationship, but nothing too crazy.

Last Friday, her and I hung out for pretty much the entire day. We had lunch, then went horseback riding (she always wanted to try it) and then saw a movie. I took her home. Sometimes I would catch her texting her rebound, but probably because he wanted to interfere. I don't think he even knows that she was with me specifically. She was also wearing a ring I got her. She brushed it off as "I wore it because it matched my clothes" She did ackowledge during the day that she missed me. When we were looking at the horses, we held hands here and there while walking around. She also sat on my lap twice. That's a little intimate I think.

At the end of the night, she told me she had more fun than she had for a long time. We hugged and I made it clear to her that I cannot pretend to be a friend. I can't pretend to be something I'm not. I told her that I need to move on with my life, and I am going to move on with her or without her. So she was saying like "Well, what do you want me to do? Break up with the other guy? So you're not gonna talk to me anymore?"

I told her "No, I don't want you to break up. As for not talking, we can still talk, but I just want you to know where I stand." I told her I've been making a lot of improvements in my life, and she said "Well, I'm sure your next girlfriend is going to really benefit." I believe she said it to gauge my reaction, so I said "Who knows. Maybe." I kept it cool.

Anyway, later that night, she wanted to know when I got home, and she asked how I was feeling. I said I was feeling fine. She posted on her facebook that she had an awesome day afterwards. Thing is, in our relationship, she used to post about us all the time and all the fun she was having being together. With this new guy...not so much, if ever really.

Since that day, she's contacted me pretty regularly. She obviously likes talking to me and derives comfort from it I guess. She tried contacting me all day yesterday because she was sick, and no one was taking care of her. I used to nurse her to health when we were together. Anyway, we had a 30 minute phone convo that was pretty casual. Made her laugh a bit, nothing crazy. When I saw it was going nowhere, I ended the call, telling her I "had to go". She said "where are you going?" Playfully, I said "none of your business." She was going to ask again, but then interrupted herself and said "actually, I don't care." I then ended the call.

So anyway, it's clear she's still infatuated with this new guy. I haven't seen any clear signs that the infatuation is wearing off yet. One thing I noticed though is that she hardly talks to him over the phone. It's usually just A LOT of texting (yes, I had been tempted here and there to check her phone activity...I really should stop doing that).

However, I'm tired of playing these games. I don't want to be her emotional crutch, nor do the rebound's job at all. I don't want her to have the comforts of our old relationship (talking, laughing, going out, etc.) without any of the commitment.

My idea was this:

The next time she calls me, I want to simply ask her "What is the real reason that you're texting and calling me?" She is either going to give selfish motivations (i.e bored, etc.) or maybe even spill her beans and just say she still has feelings for me.

If it's for selfish reasons, I'm just going to tell her that she already has someone that can help her with that (her bf). I am going to make it clear that we can't be friends, and that I just need space right now. Afterwards, I would go back into NC until she's sincere about why she's reaching out to me. I want to be her man, not her go-to guy whenever she's bored, etc.

If it's for sincere reasons (i.e. still has feelings), then that's a different story. At the end of the day, I just want to be real with her. I'm tired of playing games, and I want to get to the bottom of this. I don't want to help the rebound guy at all, nor help her transition from me to him by providing her support until she makes the full transition. I want her to miss me more and see more of this guy's flaws, not make up for his flaws.

Do you guys think this is a good idea? Or should I remain a "friend" and wait it out? I'm not sure what to do. I want her back, but at the same time, I don't want to waste my time either. I have been moving on with my life, and I would prefer to have her back, but my life isn't going to end if she doesn't come back to me.

[duran_ii]

I did it.

I put my foot down. I asked her why she wanted to hang out with me and contact me, etc. She was like "Why not? Why can't we just be friends?"

I made it clear to her that we can't be friends. We shared too much to just forget about what we shared and just "be friends." I didn't bring up her rebound boyfriend at all, that would have been a big mistake.

I told her that I needed my space. She got angry and said, "Fine, you'll never hear from me again." I kept it cool and said, "Sorry to hear that. Bye." I didn't have any anger in my voice or anything, I was levelheaded and accepted her decision. No begging, asking for an explanation...nothing.

Honestly, at this point, I don't really care if I get back with her or not. As the weeks passed since our breakup, I've missed her less and less. If I had remained friends with her, then all I would have done is been her crutch until she fully transitioned to her rebound. I wasn't going to do that. I'd rather lose her completely than be a victim to that horrible fate.

Who knows, she may be playing games with me. Honestly, I feel liberated. Now the rebound has to do all the work. I can go about my life. I wouldn't be surprised if she breaks down and contacts me again, especially if her rebound is going downhill.

I feel in my heart that I did the right thing. What do you guys think?

[cmacattack1]

Friends always sound good but they never work out. Too many feelings and hurt involved. She can't even talk about the relationship again without changing the subject. God forbid she be faced with her decisions and their consequences.

Maybe it felt good to "put your foot down", but you were pretty much her crutch the whole time. She got to have great conversation and hang out with you while hanging out with the other guy. That's bullshit. You tolerating it at all is toleration too much. She will have to face the loneliness and stuff on her own without you. You deserve better, and you deserve to put your time in with somebody where it's going somewhere.

No contact period. Not even if she does. Tell her to leave you be that you need space when she contacts you, if she doesn't get it, stop responding all together. Time to move forward and the quickest way is to cut her out. Let me know if she gets desperate and starts pulling out "we should get back together". That's a red flag, it's bullshit and you should know better.

[duran_ii]

Heard recently that she broke up with her rebound bf several days ago. Thank God I wasn't a crutch, she probably would have still been with him if I was still in the picture. Haven't heard from her, and my money tells me she'll just fling right into a new rebound. She's a serial rebounder after all. The more I think about it, the more I believe she's done me a favor.

Honestly, my experience is one of many lessons for anyone in this forum that is going through what I went through. Don't be friends with a rebounding ex...hell an ex in general. You're only going to make it worse for yourself and help the rebound indirectly by being her emotional crutch. Because I was no longer there, the rebound had to do all the work. He couldn't handle it I guess. I never found out the exact reason of the breakup, but who cares.

No Contact works. Really helped me move on. While I'm becoming better, she's only going to get worse as she goes from one failed rebound to the next.

[YouAreBeautiful]

Duran, I'm glad you've solved it and are doing ok =)

[duran_ii]

Thanks Just found out today that she bounced into yet another rebound with another guy. I feel sorry for her at this point, honestly.