Online distant relationship comes to a sad end.

[LonelyBear]

Hello!
This is quite an unusual story, and I hope that it being about me and another person who never ended up meeting, you will still read it. Last summer I tried online dating for the first time, I had been on dates, it was fun - I dated one girl for about 3 months but it didn't work out. There were people from all over the world on this website, and at the beginning of this year, I met a girl from Russia, who here I will refer to as "the Russian girl". Now, I know of all the stereotypes and reputations that in some cases (and this one) are not just. It started off as just chatting on msn. We then started talking on the phone, for hours sometimes, and talking on webcam - it was quite clear quite soon that we really liked eachother, and neither of us were fake. Of course the whole time, I had huge doubts in my mind, I am sure that you can understand that. Anyway, I had already made plans to visit a friend in Russia, and I mentioned this to the Russian girl, we decided to meet. However 2 weeks before coming, she stopped replying to my text messages, and it seemed no correspondance was happening anymore, so when I came over to Russia, I didn't make an effort to get in touch with her, feeling that my heart had led me on, and in reality, maybe I can't trust her and it's just one of those sad stories of desperately finding a partner in another country online. When I came back from Russia, we talked online and she seemed so disappointed that we didn't meet, I felt so sad. So we continued talking as we did at first, which was great. I really felt a connection. I sent her flowers from time to time, and asked her if we could still meet. At first she seemed unsure, although at the same time very keen on me. Then, one day, I was talking to her on skype on webcam. Clearly she was busy talking with other people too (and why not, I understand how it works!), but I was quite disturbed when I noticed her talking away, looking so happy and laughing and joking... then I see her stand up, and showed her bum to the camera and gave it a wiggle! then, the cam turns off, and I got no more response from her that evening! The next day I asked her about it, and she said that I was not supposed to have seen that, and said that she was talking to her sister - I am not stupid, I don't really believe that, but at the same time I wonder if it was true, it could be. Anyway, weeks go by and we kept on talking, I kept on asking to come over and she never gave me a green light. I understand partly that as she sincerely is quite a lady, she needed to feel that I was really serious, but what was I to do? I was talking to her a lot, sent flowers from time to time... I noticed also that on her msn, occasionally it would say that some guy is now friends with her.. (fair enough, why shouldn't she). Anyway there came a point where I lost patience, and having been on a lunch date with a girl, I decided, perhaps immaturely, to let the Russian girl know, I suppose really because I wanted some kind of reaction! she then seemed more keen and we kept talking. I hadn't been on another date with the lunch girl, and now that I was talking again with the russian girl, I really didn't feel much for seeing the lunch girl again. Anyway, it recently was the russian girls birthday, and I sent her flowers and some champagne. It felt great, we were talking and all was well. As a token of trust, the Russian girl asked if I could give her my facebook password, so as to see if I was being secretive - this I thought was really crazy, but I gave it to her, to show how serious I was. Then she asks me, who was this lunch girl I went on a date with, and can I message and delete her... now this is the stupid part - I honestly did like the Russian girl a lot, but in my mind I paniced almost, thinking, "yes I like the russian girl a lot, but she seems to be having backup herself, and isn't inviting me over, so why should I delete the lunch girl?", so I do the dumbest thing, I LIED! I said the lunch girl was infact someone else, and deleted this someone else. After a few minutes of questions and realization of my stupidity, I admitted that I lied. The russian girl was so upset. I told her who the lunch girl was, and deleted the lunch girl. The russian girl seemed so hurt, what was I thinking!
Subsequently, I wrote the russian girl a huge email, explaining who I am, why what happened happened, and also, I texted the lunch girl, and another girl who was a potential "backup" telling them both that I'd met someone and wished them all the best. I took a picture of the text messages and attached it to the email (I know how weird it sounds! just wanted to try to prove myself!). I sent the Russian girl 39 red roses, with some chocolates and champagne, in an effort to show that with the email (which was very very long), that I am happy to burn my bridges with "backup", even though she has not invited me over, to send a lot of roses and basically desperately try to patch this up. I know deep down that nothing will happen, and it has just died a very sorry death.
I never expected to have such an experience online. I truly miss her and regret the whole thing. I am an honest guy, I know I lied, but isn't it just the sort of thing that could happen? I mean after not inviting me, and seemingly having her own "backup", did she really expect me to go deleting friends on facebook?
I told her that I'm not going to stop sending roses until she tells me to stop, and I plan on sending a small bunch every week for a month! to show I'm sorry and regretful. All she has to do is tell me to stop and I will, and she knows it.
Please give me your advice on this situation? Am I a bad guy do you think? is there any hope of forgiveness?

[Lisa89]

Forget her! I don't think you're a bad guy at all. You weren't exclusive, not even that she wouldn't even let you meet up with her. You're more than well within your rights to see whoever you like, whenever you like and do whatever you like. It sounds as if she just enjoyed having the control over you... getting access to your facebook, having you delete people etc. If anything, she should want forgiveness from you because it sounds as if she's treated you horribly with no respect. You say you send her presents and flowers, has she ever sent you anything?

You seem like a genuinely nice guy, my advice is to stay away from girls like this because it's generally girls like this that turns guys like you into horrible guys! Online dating is a great way to meet new people but it's the same as dating face to face, you need to have respect from the other partner, it needs to be equal and you need to not be taken for a mug.

[LonelyBear]

Thanks for your reply, it feels good to read it! I needed to hear something like that from a total outsider. It will remain a mystery, and probably best that way, I'm not a bad guy, perhaps a little absent minded I suppose, and I won't let this experience change me.
Cheers

[ammi00]

I agree with Lisa. Forget about her and stop sending her roses & presents. What for? I'm pretty sure she won't tell you to stop. She liked playing with you, sending you mixed signals & controling you. On the other side, maybe she didn't know exactly what she wants either - but her behaviour ("now I want you, now I don't"), makes me think that she was simply mean and manipulative, she didn't really want YOU.
The world is plenty of other nicer girls... and you shouldn't let an experience like this to change you.

[LonelyBear]

Thanks! true she may have not known what she wanted, and then to critisize me for not being 100% - it's hypocrytical. And good advice - someone who deserves some flowers is going to get some instead some time!

[ammi00]

*raises hand* pick me! pick me!

[LonelyBear]

Ok there is a small development now :-)
I would like somehow to make it up to the lunch girl... she will see me again... but what should I say to explain myself? I would like to say the whole story, but am a little worried she'll get a bit scared!

[ammi00]

Tell her the truth, but don't give her TOO many details. You can tell her that you had a lady friend that you liked; that at one point she got jealous, and you wanted to prove her that you're a serious guy... but then you realized you made a mistake (towards her, the lunch girl) and that the girl you thought you liked, wasn't exactly what you expected.
It's still the truth, but there aren't too many scary details... plus that it doesn't put you in a bad light

[justcheckin]

dont tell her anything you are getting played by the Russian so you should just keep that to urself. Tell lunch girl you are sorry and that a jelous friend was being stupid. Good luck with your "backups" as you call them

[LonelyBear]

I like your thinking :-) Thanks! I clearly should have signed up here a while ago!

[Petit Papillon]

Russians....
Don't do online relationships Don't do them if you see that after few months there is not even a slight chance to meet IRL and to build a real thing. There's nothing better than a real touch and a real life partner Good luck with the lunch girl.
And if the Russian start to try to control you again, tell her to talk to us, we will show her what's an e-slap on the face Or just tell her to piss off She's not worth your effort

[Lisa89]

Yes definitely go for it with lunch girl! As ammi00 said don't give too much detail as she may feel that she doesn't mean as much to you (which was true at the time) but it can hamper the development of any relationship you may form with lunch girl. Haha yeah send Russian girl our way, we'll sort her out. Oh, and I'm expecting some flowers too

Good luck LonelyBear!