Pregnant girlfriend cheated, please help.

[Gary213]

I'm a 28 year old male and have been in a relationship with my partner for about 2 years. Our relationship was very rocky but I thought we loved each other.

Around 9 months ago we split up and 2 days later she ended up sleeping with someone and got pregnant with his child. We talked about getting back together and she eventually told me what she had done, mainly because she was pregnant and couldnt hide it from me I feel. She had an abortion which was an incredibly emotional and traumatic time for us both. I slowly learned to forgive her and then around 6 months after the abortion she fell pregnant with my child unexpectedly. I was over joyed as this is my first child and I loved her very much.

During a period of separation a month or two ago, to try and have some space and work at our relationship on a base level in preparation for our baby, she had the same guy who got her pregnant before stay at her house for a few days for "emotional support" because apparantly she was grieving for the baby she aborted. She lied to him and said she had lost it naturally and they obviously became quite chummy as it now turns out she has been sleeping with him behind my back and lying about it.

I am absolutely distraught that she would disgrace herself and our baby by sleeping with someone else and I dont know what to do.

I admit I havent been a saint, we have had several heated arguaments where I have said things I didnt mean but I havent cheated, been violent or tried to control her in any way. This news has devastated me, deep down I still love her.

She says she was confused, emotional and that it was a mistake but admits there were or are some feelings there for the other man. I have done everything I can to support her while she has been pregnant, I have forgiven her for what happened before but to me this is too much.

I'm not sure if she still loves me but surely she cant if she has done this ?

I'm so confused and I havent stopped trembling with hurt all day, please help.

[Gary213]

I wish I could get over it, never see her again and forget about it, but now she is pregnant with my child I am irreversably linked to her for at least the next 18 years. I wanted a family for my fisrt child, now I am going to be an estranged father and probably face another man raising my child and becoming its father figure, this is tearing me apart.

[Dargali]

You have to figure out what's more important, seeing your child grow up or not have her in your life - alternatively you could ask her if you could raise the child yourself, although as you are not are were never married to this girl (or at least from my understanding you are not) you have not legal jurisdiction over the child. Would you rather her have an abortion and find someone else more loyal to have your first child? As I don't believe life starts at conception.

[Gary213]

You are right, were not married. After the last abortion and all the grief it caused it is not something she would consider again. I'm not sure I could go along with it even if she decided she could. She is 20 weeks gone so it would be a particularly nasty experience to say the least. I want her out of my life but I cant anandon my unborn child or not be a part in it's life. She will definately not hand custody over to me either voluntarily. I cant believe she has destroyed my chance at having a proper family and denied my unborn child a proper father for a disgusting, sordid fling. No matter how emotionally messed up she was she must have known this was wrong. It seems to me as if shes on a guilt fuelled self destruct course and is doing all this on purpose to punish herself rather than me. I cannot forgive what she has done but how am I supposed to forget it and get on with my life when I am now tied to her through a child ? What happens if when my child is born all I see is a reminder of what she did ? and what happens when all my friends and family ask about the pregnancy/birth and congratulate me when all I want to do is break down and cry ?

[Spoonandfork]

sucks for you, broski. You put yourself in a shitty position by getting back together with an ex who throws caution to the wind. The first red flag was the circumstances that led to your break up. The second was her having unprotected sex with a guy 2 days after your break up. This tells me either she was already emotionally cheating behind your back or she doesn't respect herself. The third was her getting back in touch with the guy who got her pregnant and even letting him "stay" at her place. Hopefully you learn from your mistakes and find a girl who is loyal and values herself to be your wife and mother of your kid(s)

[Gary213]

Its kind of late for that now. My first child is already on it's way into a disgusting mess of a situation. I gave up alot to give her a chance and forgive her, it took alot for me to swallow my pride and she has totally disrespected me, herself and her unborn child. The crazy thing is if she called me in a week and genuinely sounded remorseful and sorry I don't know what I would do. I wanted a proper family more than anything, I dont want to be a live away father and watch someone else raise my child with their values instead of mine. Im not wet or a mug, I've never felt like this about anyone in my life and the fact we are having a child together just makes it all the more hard to forget her and move on. Normally I would drop her faster than a hot coal and get on with things but all I can think about is my unborn baby. I know she loved me, the times we shared you could not fake, so why did she do this ?

[Spoonandfork]

It doesn't matter why she acted the way she did. What matters is she demonstrated her true character before you two got back together and again while you two were dating. Do not act surprised if a dog acts like a dog. If you decide to stay with her, be prepared for a life of misery and regret. The best thing you can do for yourself and your unborn child is to find a woman who will love you and respect you; someone who will make a great mother for your kid(s) and won't betray you

[Dargali]

I do believe when children are involved men usually get screwed, the law at the moment only takes into consideration the impact it will have on the mother, the father more or less get forgotten. You could take her to court, but it wouldn't work in your favor - you going to have to pay child support to the mother until the child is 18. She could even ban you, by law, in not seeing your child. I know this shit all too well as I'm a produce of a broken home, my mother and father broke up when I was three, he left her the house so she would look after us, instead she sold the house, spent all the money on holidays (usually disappearing for weeks at a time) and boyfriends, then went onto benefits (again spending most of the benefits on holidays and boyfriends). She must realise how much she's ****ed things up for you, she really shouldn't of got pregnant in the first place if she was uncertain about staying with you. But it's no use saying that now. I don't really know what else I could stay to this, you've really got a tough one. Sorry.

[Gary213]

To be honest another relationship is the last thing on my mind right now. This is going to give me trust issues for a long time and I have lost all faith in "love".

[asdfg789]

i know someone who is going thru a similar thing - hanging around a crazy woman only because she has his child.
it is agonizing and i feel his anguish everytime i see him.

if abortion is out of the question, you should definitely get a DNA test done. based on her history, who knows if the child is really yours ?

just like some men who can love many women, there are women who can love many men. monogamy is NOT natural to the human species.

how old are you ? what are the chances that you can bring up the child without her ?

[Gary213]

I'm 28, I could bring up the child without her but she would never relinquish responsibilty to me. The way she see's it, shes carrying it for 9 months so its hers. For everything she has done she does not deserve to be a mother in my opinion, it's disgusting that men have so few rights in situations like this. It seems sexual equality only works one way.

[Gary213]

by the way, I told her I would need a DNA test and her response was "if you dont believe its yours, your NOT going to be there for anymore scans OR the birth". She expects me to trust her word when she has broken it so many times before over so many different things. Shes treating me as if I'm the one who has done something wrong.

[DerekColors]

If you want anything to do with that child you'll have to pay her child support, ultimately. Believe me child support is a hassle and 90% of the time that money never goes to the child but her personal needs...Don't be surprised if she spends it on her other BF either. That's if her love interest doesn't mind her being pregnant..Maybe he knows that its his? If not I don't possibly see him sticking around with a women that carries another child..

But yeah the red flags were there. Any women that goes out and sleeps with another guy two days later should be a indicator. This was probably happening behind your back from the start..

[Junket]

What a f*cking whore.

[asdfg789]

by the way, I told her I would need a DNA test and her response was "if you dont believe its yours, your NOT going to be there for anymore scans OR the birth". She expects me to trust her word when she has broken it so many times before over so many different things. Shes treating me as if I'm the one who has done something wrong.

maybe you should just assume that the child is not yours. in your country, is she required to provide DNA evidence if she wants child support ?