Toying or Testing? I'm very confused...

[Graham Berkeley]

I'm feeling quite confused right now. Thought I would post here and see what the general consensus on my situation is…

Last may I met a young lady on a dating website. We went out once and hit it off pretty well. She's very spunky and full of personality. Shortly there after I learned she was only 20 years old (I'm 27 going on 28) and in the process of moving to my City from L.A.

She went back down to L.A. for a couple months and we would occasionally talk online. Eventually she moved up here and played real coy and at one point totally dropped off the radar. No biggie.

About a month went by and I invited her out to a beach party I was having. She came and after the party it was just me and her.

Shortly there after we began dating. Our work/school schedules only gave us one maybe two nights a week to actually go out. Things moved REALLY fast and after a couple of dates we ended up in bed. She cried after saying it was the best she had ever had but how she feels trashy because she's been with more guys at 20 then I have women at 27.

The following evening when I took her home she asked me if we were just friends with benefits or if this was moving toward a relationship. I told her this was all happening so fast that its confusing. That I needed more time to really call her my girlfriend. She said lets knock off the physical till we know where we are at. I agreed. Very adult decision as I don't want to loose her because we moved to fast.

A week or two went by of meeting up once a week both times I went with honorable, platonic, intentions but we always would end up in a park or movie theatre making out.

One night the "teasing" got a little to much for me and I flat out told her I thought we were going to limit our physicalness till we knew what we wanted. Flat out asked her what she wanted. She said we needed to work on our friendship more. I told her I didn't understand what that meant. Her roommate came home so I left. She was quite angry at me but wrote me this long email the following morning how she didn't want to loose me that she respected me and felt such a connection with me but didn't want a relationship and even went so far as to say she wanted a non-sexual relationship with me. Basically she wanted to cage me up on the friend shelf for a rainy day. This angered me as if all she really wanted was me to be her emotional tampon and this is how she "catches" guys. I was short and a bit mean to her over the phone. the following day I apologized for my tone and the words I used. It was quite immature of me. Things seemed patched up but she said "well I like you a little bit but people come and go out of each others lives all the time. I can't love you." the last line threw me off and made it quite clear in my mind she was reliving an argument with an Ex or something. She did have a particularly needy ex in high school and seems to have boiled down guys into two categories, the ones she'll get physical with that treat her like crap and the ones that treat her good so they have to be in the friend zone because they get needy. I told her I needed sometime to get over her that I really hadn't intended on being just friends...

Haven't talked to her in a week as I needed time to digest everything. She sent me a text the other night at 2am at random saying "I think you are my guardian angel." I don't even know how to take that…

Honestly I do like her. But I'm not going to get into a situation where I am chasing anyone. I've done that many times in my life and it never ends up good for the chaser.

What do I do at this point? Am I just being used and toyed with for attention or is she just looking for some sort of proof from me I'm not a jackass like other guys she's dated?

[IncognitoSir]

I've been in this situation a few times man. A few things catch my attention: 1. Her sexual partners comment, 2. Very indecisive, 3. Very indecisive. Sounds like she has a problem with showing how she likes you. To her, getting physical mean she really likes you a lot. If you're not getting physical, then you're just a friend. She's confused as to how you can be such a good guy (friend) but not want to get physical with her.......which is what she's use to. My ex was like this at the start of our relationship.....we always ended up making out or getting frisky or something physical. She has to realize that you're not like the other guys she's dated and give you a chance to build a proper relationship before everything gets so physical. She has a lot going on in her head I bet. It's going to take a lot of explaining on your part and a lot of listening and understanding on hers. Sex is a bigger deal for her than actually building a healthy relationship.

[patrick74]

I don't know why so many guys think they need/want to know how many people someone else has slept with? Other than knowing if someone is clean or not, your only going to screw with your own head thinking how many people someone's had sex with.

As a person gets older, even if they're fairly straight laced the number of partners is only going to increase.

[IncognitoSir]

I agree ^^^, but HE didnt have an issue with her number, it's HER with the issue with her number. Im not even sure he knows her number, but she just feels guilty about it after they bumped uglies.

[xxazurexx]

I can't figure out this kind of woman, I really can't and because for me it's usually either black and white.....I either like someone or I don't.

I can't figure why a woman would tell a guy she wants to be friends, yet she will still wants sex with him. Because I've never wanted to have sex with any guy whom I thought of as just a friend. For me there has to be the 'emotional' connection and before I'd want to sleep with a guy and if the 'emotional' is there, then I'd want a relationship with him also....not just friends.

She either is just one of those females who will keep a guy around for sex, or she's testing you. Testing you and to see how hard you are willing to work for her and how far you are willing to go for her. A lot of females will test guys and to get some clue as to the real depth of his proclaimed love for her. I rarely get involved with a guy and until he's proven a 100% interest in me. But I've never slept with him meantime......that is the part I can't work out.

[Graham Berkeley]

We only slept together once. I think she was on the rebound from some other guy, whom I gotta say was a troll... She didn't expect to develop an emotional attachment to me and is now wanting to keep that with me but still go out there and "boy shop." At least thats one theory...

After last week we haven't had much contact but when we do her tone is like "Oh good my friend i've had for all these years whom i can trust is calling me."

Not a great feeling but I feel used and put on the shelf...

[HurricaneMax]

Yes she is !!

[Agape]

She sounds kinda flaky and not really relationship potential . . . the sexual partners comment, that's her problem - let her deal with it, it shouldn't really concern you at all.

[SapphireBerry]

Being the chaser as you said is never good so don't be that, chasing only ends up making you humiliate yourself and seem needy
trust me I've been there and to be honest she's only 20 yrs old and she has just left her teenage years, maybe she is still
young and doesn't know exactly what she wants right now, best advice is to stick with someone who isnt in a big age gap from
you, I mean if you two both loved each other age shouldn't really matter unless its illegal but you two don't sound like you were
meant to get together, you cant have her playing you around, the confusion is what probably made everything kinda fall out
of place. My true advice is to just leave her, you may be upset but time is a healer of wounds, its taken me long to get over
people before you need to see what happens. If she comes back and she knows what she wants then maybe you two can
take it from there, until then take it easy don't jump into the confusion pit, its a pain really..

Sapphire x

[Poetic_Partner]

"...Basically she wanted to cage me up on the friend shelf for a rainy day...." IMHO, it's more likely that she's completely inexperienced in relationships. After being toyed with by boys, she finally found an adult who liked her and she doesn't know how to react - "If I have sex with him he won't respect me, but if I don't he'll leave."

What's more, SHE is not completely mature in that way either. Stop viewing her as a rational actor and things may become clearer.

I remember a movie (sorry, forgot title) where a teen runaway is hitching and given a ride by a mid-aged man. He goes to drop her off and she bends over to give him head. He's offended and kicks her out. She gets confused, and the audience feels bad that she can't accept a simple act of kindness. I think your friend is in the same frame of mind, and is just as confused.

So, you have to ask yourself if you have the patience to be her rock as she figures things out? And are willing to take the risk that your (quite sensible and smart) actions will continue to be misinterpreted by her and may drive her away?

-PP

edit:
Realized a line was very confusing and changed.

[Incognito]

^^^ Awesome! Almost exactly what I was going to post, with the exception that his smart and sensible actions may also put him in the 'friend category'. Think of it like this Graham, she's not even at drinking age yet. Were you relationship material at that age? Probably not. She may be a good, fun person, but she isn't relationship material. Either you can help her become relationship material, or go on about your business and find someone who has more life experience.

[ianoulla]

Basically, this girl is immature, despite having slept with more men than she likes to admit. What does that mean? Nothing....... relationships are more than that. I don't think it's the age difference, she is just immature. I have met people double her age who are immature. I feel this girl is not for you, she is just complicated, some people are whatever age.

I think you either are attracted to someone romantically/physically and hopefully become friends, or you become friends first then discover romantic/physical attraction.

I hope this helps.

[girl68]

I think you need to leave her alone. This girl at 20 isn't ready for the type of relationship you'd ideally like with her. Drop her now while it's still somewhat easy.

[Graham Berkeley]

Wow, very articulate and thought out advice guys. I appreciate it.

It didn't bother me how many guys she has been with. Independent of things I do care about her. In some ways she is a sad case and breaks my heart she thinks this way about guys... At this point I am tempted to just delete her number and delete her off my myspace not because I am mad but because it feels like a lost cause...

[pr1076]

Sounds like she has problems man. you can be good to her and try to stick around long enough to find out but regardless its an uphill battle