Splitting up because of mother-in-law!!

[Missy_B]

I desperately need some help! Apologies for the long-winded explanation but an awful lot has happened and would make no sense without the details.
I have been with my partner for 3 years. At first, I always got along with his mum despite her being a 'colourful' shall we say character. She has a reputation for being mouthy and opinionated but initially was always nice to me and we got along well. We would sit and watch TV shows together and she would go out with my mum to the cinema and for tea and drinks. My partner, who was 21 at the time, has been babied all his life and would get breakfast in bed every morning, his food would be ordered and his mother would go and get it that day, etc. I said nothing at first because, as only boyfriend and girlfriend and being in their home, it was nothing to do with me.
When we discovered I was pregnant my partner and I decided to get a house as this would be the best thing for our child. I was just finsihing my last year at university but my partner had savings and his mother and father had saved for him and were going to make a 'donation' towards his first house. (Also, note, my partner had no responsibility for his finances at this point and was given 'spend' from his own wages by his mother) As stupid as it sounds, this method had let him get a lot of savings and we openly told both our parents that we were looking for a house. That evening, my partners mum rang my house to tell my partner that she would no longer give him her 'donation' unless SHE approved of the house. For the next 10 months she argued about every house we looked at unless it was near to her own home. Eventually, we found one, shortly after my son was born, and it was only after my partners dad (who I found quite fair until recently) stepped in and forced my partners mother to 'cough up'.
Prior to this there had been many things said and done. My partners mother would state what SHE thought our child should be named and would argue until she burst if we mentioned a name she didn't like. She hounded me with text messages about her 'favoured names' and nearly throttled me when I said I was considering giving my child my surname and not my partners. His brother, who has always hated me, once said in front of me: "come on Mum, tell her to her face. You said it behind her back." I'm not quite sure what that was about but they had obviously been talking and I started to realise that they didn't 'love me' like they were making out to my partner.
When we eventually moved into the house I flatly said to my partner that I did not want my house turning into a social club were his parents were constantly round checking up and tidying things away and bring food around. We have split before over his mothers attitude towards me but had always managed to resolve it. I knew by this stage that his mother clearly didn't like me as whenever she came round she would ridicule how I had cleaned and would only offer help if I did it her way.
Strangely, when we moved in, his mum stopped calling around but instead his dad took over, complaining that I didn't wash up properly and that things weren't being done right. He even put out the washing, with my personals in it, and went into our bedroom to make the bed, moving my underwear and bed clothing. I spoke to my partner OVER and OVER yet he seemed to be terrified of upsetting his parents and instead seemed to make the concious decision to let me be miserable in my own home. So I took matters into my own hands and directly told his dad not to do things. He continued.
Eventually, it all got too much and after many vicious arguements and, admittedly, some awful things said by me, I finished with my partner. He was initially upset and then accepting. A few days later I wanted to patch things up hoping my partner would understand how I was feeling. Instead he was cold and seemed a completely different person. I even said to my mum that it wasn't him anymore and he seemed like he was a robot reeling off what others had told him. At this point I believed it to be his brother and his friends.
A month later and things started to get better. We decided to try and work things out and went out on dates together. I had at this point left the family home and moved back to my mothers although I had never been living there fully because they house wasn't completely ready. My partner would blow hot and cold but admitted to me on more than one occasion that he still loved me and wanted to see if we could work it out. After an arguement a couple of days ago I moved back to the house with my partners consent. The following morning an angry mother-in-law barges in demanding to know what is going on. (Let me add, I had asked my partner if his parents had said anything prior to this and he said no. I had also told him months if not a year earlier that I was convinced his parents didn't like me. He said they were so 'in your face' because they loved me and treated me as family). She stormed upstairs and shut herself in our bedroom with my partner who was sleeping at the time and then came bursting downstairs and started to railroad me. Telling me that they all thought I was bossy and needed to get off my 'high horse'. She basically said all the things I told my partner about months ago. She said I was 'lazy' because she is IMMACULATELY clean and I have a one-year-old and things are clean but not perfect. I've never earned a penny apparently despite recently getting a job and giving MY career for a year or so to care for our son. My partner's career has NEVER been affected my our childs birth. He didn't even take paternity leave. She also said that they have put up with MY shit for 3 years which I just had to laugh at.
My partner calmly asked her to leave and did say at one point that she was out of order. This is the first time he has ever stuck up for me. (Although he did, I think, say that we were BOTH out of order after!) She left remarkably easily which I thought after may be because my partner has said something about visitng her later when I was out of ear shot. My partner sat shellshocked and I tried to calmly say that this is what I have been saying all along. At this point I felt like he had 'seen the light' shall we say. However, 10 minutes later, he took his car keys and was very nice to me when he said that he was going for a drive.
This was at midday. I sat at the house ALL day. His father drove past God knows how many times and at one point our home phone rang which was installed only days ago and who no one, not even myself, knows the number to apart from his dad. I text my partner numerous times and he never replied. Remember, I was left in the house on my own with his son who he had not seen for 4 days prior to this. My mum came to see me and in passing drove past his parents house were they all were parked. His car, his mums car and his dads car. He obviously went running to his mummy and daddy. Although, the night before he had been on a 'bender' and had told me an hour before his mum burst in that he was knackered and needed sleep for my initial thought is that he went there to sleep as he knew he wouldn't get it at ours.
It is now over 24 hours later. I left our home and went back to my mums as all the calls and drive-by's were making me uncomfortable. His parents have keys and can easily get into the house whenever they wish. He has not contacted to see how our son is or to talk about the situation. I know she will have completely brain-washed him and feel the relationship that we were 'working on' is now dead in the water.
I feel mainly for our son as it is such a shame that he has a lovely house and to parents that love him and each other and a third party is stopping them being together. What do I do now? I still desperately love my partner but feel his family are making out that I am a golddigger and I am no good for him. I believe (or at least did believe) that he still loves me.
What do I do for the best now? I have decided not to make contact at all until he contacts me in regards to our son. Do you think he will come round and is just 'collecting his thoughts' or that he is being mind-warped by his mother? I'm at a loss and starting to feel ridiculously depressed!
Sorry for the big long message. I can do a lot of talking!!

[ecenur]

Mother in laws
are problems!

[Agape]

wow . . . that's a crazy read . . . a long read at that

Anyways. . . I'd say, as you're both adults, you should act like that . . . and if that means being more independent and distancing yourself from 'problem people' then you do it. . . if the relationship is good and it's not directly hurting anyone then it's a good relationship AND you SHOULDN'T split up because of someone else . . . that mother-in-law seems to have domineering/controlling problems, I don't know how it would work, but you two need to limit contact with her - she's only ruining something which is going okay.

[all alone]

Gah.. sounds like a nightmare.. plain and simple, your boyfriend needs to nut up and learn how to live his own life. But that won't be easy and will take time.. you're going to have to try and help him along as well as be prepared for more eventful days, because he won't be able to change over night.