A wrong decision made i destroyed him i live with regret i need to fix this help me ?

[xxNickiexx]

Hi everyone, i really need some strong advice on my relationship please, long story short... i'll start at the beginning

I have known this man 23 years years he was my first love i was his because we were so young 16 at the time we separated and went down different paths, had different partners i had children he got married had children we live in the same town so we always knew through friends what was happening with each other, when i was 22 we got in contact he was going through a divorce i had split from my partner, so we talked like we had never been apart and both admitted that we had never stopped loving each other even though we had both taken different paths, we didnt get together because it was the wrong time both has messy relationships to deal with but we kept in contact.
we would meet for drinks email each other every day, and there was always such a strong bond between us....
anyway four years ago we got together everything was perfect i was so happy as he was, but as months ticked by my ex turned up threatening my relationship with him so to protect him i finished it i know what i did was wrong but i didnt know what to do as my ex was known for being violent, so i did what i thought was the best thing...

I stopped all contact and it broke my heart ii have never cried so much but i remained strong think what i was doing was right but knowing it wasnt a few months later i contacted him telling him i had made a terrible mistake telling him i still loved him !! he was silent and then dropped a bomb shell that i had destroyed him at the time and because months had passed he had moved on and was now in another relationship.. i was devastated but i deserved the hurt i was feeling because i knew what i did was the wrong thing...

It took some time but eventually we started becoming friends and talking i respected that he had moved on and thought even having him in my life as a friend was better than not having him atall, but i was hurting.

3 years he was with her but i remained a friend he told me that he would always love me but because i had hurt him he had to give this relationship ago with her which i understood..... after we became closer and closer and and only when there relationship became rocky me and him met up , and everything overflowed are feelings and we talked till early hours, a few weeks later they finished... and we met up as friends a few times and now we are back together.

we have been with each other 9 months we have been away i stay at his every weekend and at first i would get text saying i love you miss and i do still get them but not as often, it feels like i am sending them first now and he will replie miss you too love you too, we went out the other night and both got very drunk and i asked him why he blowed hot and cold on me and he broke down in tears saying that i destroyed him when i finished it those few years ago and he didnt trust anyone a and that he loved me so much when we was together last time and still does..but he was so upset and obviously i was upset to and told him that i made a mistake and i would never ever leave him again because i loved him with all my heart...
but what i can and cant understand is why was he so upset and why is he backing off is it because he feels he is getting to close and thinks that i will up and leave again ?? what can i do to reassure him i am never going anywhere again i made a mistake and i cant lose my soul mate again i am soo confused and really need some advice on this plz xx

[Agape]

The only thing that can reassure him is if you stay with him . . . you've cut contact and you've also broken up with him . . .so he's unsure of your actions.

But seriously, don't feel you've made wrong decisions and if he's unhappy with his life then you're not to blame - he could move on . . . I'm not so amazed by this "soul mate" thing, I don't believe in it and it might just be holding you two back - thinking you're meant for each other when the relationships is rocky and off-and-on

If things don't work out again then leave him and move on - don't come to him, again.

[sparkle_jello]

In regards to why he was so invested at first and then backed off, I feel I've had a similar situation I can relay...

My ex contacted me four years ago on facebook as a friend. This is an ex at the time I was never truly over even though I was married for four years. Eventually, after months of talking, we met up and hung out. My heart was all crazy, but I loved my husband. When we met up he confessed to me how much he always loved me, he wanted me back, he would care for my child, etc, etc. I am really lucky that I didn't do anything to hurt my marriage, but I said no, broke off contact, and got rid of myspace/facebook. It took me a while to tell my husband what he told me, I was really upset about it because I realized I was somewhat emotionally invested in my ex.

Anyways, after that all emotional feeling came to a halt. I satisfied my curiosity, and the feelings were just not there anymore. Its possible he felt something for you, satisfied his curiosity, and is kind of over it now.

[justcheckin]

guys CAN be very emotional. Its possible that you destroyed his trust.... and even though he loves you... he needs to get that back. Its a big deal to trust the one you love. If he thinks that you could leave him tomorrow, that can leave a very big hole in his heart, and he is probably preparing himself to be let down again... because he isn't sure that you wont leave him again. That feeling will be very hard to fix, and I would recommend trying to do something that really shows him you will never leave him. What that is, I have no idea

[IncognitoSir]

Its very clear that he still loves you, but he, like all of us, is in the business of "self preservation". Now he's giving you a shot here, but you must realize that second chances may come with some conditions. In ay other situation I would say stay away from a conditional relationship, but you're in a position in which you had his trust, lost i, and now trying to regain it. I could imagine what he's been trough with you up until now and it's pretty amazing that he's even with you right now. Its going to be a lot of work on both your parts to get the trust back in the relationship but if you really love each other it should be but a pebble in the sand so to speak.

[xxNickiexx]

Thankyou for your comment and i agree he did tell me that he cannot trust anyone as people always seem to let him down, and i think i am now in that circle of people that have let him down in his life, i asked him to stop blowing hot and cold lastnight and he looked upset and a little frustrated and replied i cant i just cant people let me down i dont trust anyone.... i think i have either got to stick with this always be there and prove i am not going anywere and hope in time he see;s that also xx

[xxNickiexx]

he tells me he loves me and says he always has and always will, and at a few months into the relationship he was full on and i think maybe he thinks he has to back of,f because his getting back to that part were if i left i could hurt him again so defences have gone back up for his own protection i cannot blame him, i would do the same if i had been truly hurt..

I am going to stick with this and prove to him that i am not going anywere and i am going to make this work thankyou guys much appreciated xxx

[Poetic_Partner]

Nothing you can say can reassure him. You should use the words, of course, but understand that he doesn't want words. The only possibility left is the thin hope that you can regain his trust through actions. You've burnt the bridge twice over and he was willing to walk over its burnt-out shell to be back with you - expect him to occasionally look back and see the wreckage he's just gone through.

I don't mean to be too awful down on you as you did what you thought was best, but know that there are scars there.

If you leave him again, by the way, do him a favor and let him be free.

-PP

[xxNickiexx]

I agree with what your saying but i did what i thought was right and i did let him move on with another girl, i was just his friend at the time when he was with her..... and yes they did separate and he did choose to give us another chance i never forced that with him and he was the one that use to text me when he was with her telling me he still loved me, but anyway i am not going to go anywere but if we did or do serperate then we both have to let go and let each other be free .
but i am hopefull that this is right and we will work through this even through the hard times thankyou x

[Incognito]

Live and learn. A lesson to us all to never let other people dictate what we do with our own lives. Had you simply contacted the police about your ex years ago all of this could have been avoided.