Wife is no longer interested in intimacy

[CityDad]

I'm having trouble coping with my wife's lack of interest in being intimate with me and I'd like to hear what other people have to say.

My wife and I have been together for over 10 years, and we've had a great relationship until recently. We had children a few years ago, and over the past year or so, her SD has completely evaporated. She used to be the one with subscription to a porn site, and we had a wonderful sex life, but now she has seemingly lost all interest - not just in me but everything, she stopped masturbating, no longer watches sexy movies - nothing.

Just to provide some context: She is not a golf-window or anything like that. I'm home at 5:30 everyday and I do way more than most suburban dads do. I pitch in and perform at least 50% of all the work around the house including taking the kids to school, taking them out to play, etc. I even take them out on my own every Sunday morning to give her some free time.

I'm also not doing anything that impacts our relationship negatively - I don't chat with girls online or have buddies I go out with to Hooters. I don't smoke or spend money on stupid stuff and i'm not overweight or anything else that might decrease her sexual desires. The same goes for her - she has not gained a lot of weight or had any life changes that would make her feel bad about herself.

So, where are we at? Well, we've talked about this issue a couple of times recently. I would never go online and ask for advice without at least talking to her first, right? Although she was bothered by me being unhappy and she picked up the slack for a little while, she's back to being parked on the couch playing Farmville every night and not asking if I want to be intimate anymore. When we talked she said she doesn't want to leave or anything like that - in fact, she was actually rather upset that I even said we had a problem, so i don't think it's like the end of our relationship or anything so drastic.

If I flat-out ask to be intimate, shes willing to, but even then this just entails her basically laying on the bed while I masturbate, which is not even 10% of what we used to do. If I do not ask, nothing will happen for a long time, and even then I'm not convinced of the sincerity behind it - she may be in the mode of "I'd better do something before we have another talk".

I love my wife dearly and I want to make this work. We should be both be happy. We've got to do something though - it's humiliating to be undesired and only be approached for intimacy merely to avoid another 'talk'.

Has anyone else been through something similar? Can I expect things to improve over time? Should we go to counseling?

Thanks!

[sparkle_jello]

Sex is a very important part of marriage, I completely understand why you are frustrated. Being a new mom is hard, I have a six year old, and for the first year I only had sex like twice a week because I was exhausted all the time. After year one it gets a lot better. We have it more now than before.
I call getting your needs met emotionally and physically, "filling your bucket", so here goes.
She is getting her bucket filled in other ways. She is replacing physical intimacy, with things that help her 'escape'. When I worked I was never on the computer, now that I'm home though I'm so bored I'm on here a lot during the day while my kid is at school.
I know this sounds dumb but try setting a sex schedule. Start with two times a week, work your way up to the desired amount. Come up with the schedule on sunday, stick with it during the week. The more I have sex, the more I want it... if I went a month without it I would want it, but I don't think as much.

[girl68]

I think you need to explain how intimacy makes you feel. Being intimate with her is like jello says filling your love tank. You feel connnected, you feel like she loves you (if she's engergentic in effort) and you feel at that moment overwhelmed with love. Ask her then when she feels most loved? Is it when you help around the house, is it when you pay her a compliment? or is it when you give her a small gift, pay extra attention on her? What makes her feel totally and completly loved by you? Whatever her answer may be... you shall do. Next explain that for you, it's being intimate with your wife and when that fizzels out... your love tank is empty and therefore you don't feel very loved.

You must compramise, which I'm sure you do. But you need to ask her what could help her get in the mood? If the house is clean will she want to have sex? If she feels extra pretty or special will she be in the mood? Things like this...

[Spoonandfork]

you need to be more assertive. Let your wife know that your physical and emotional needs aren't being met and this is putting a strain on your marriage. Sex feels good but more importantly it promotes intimacy and bonding between partners. A sexless marriage wears away at that bonding. Your wife may resent you because she thinks this is all about you wanting sex but reassure her that it's more than that. You want to feel close to your wife

[vashti]

She sounds depressed. How old is she? Might she be demonstrating symptoms of menopause? It sometimes starts in your 30s. Also, is she taking birth control pills or antidepressants? Is she diabetic or hypertensive?

[CityDad]

Wow, thanks for the replies Sparkle, girl68 and spoon! Reading what you said gives me some ideas and some hope and optimism, which has been sorely lacking.

sparkle,
> The more I have sex, the more I want it
That is all kinds of encouraging to hear. I'd like to think we can work our back to where we were.

vashti,
Yes, we're both in our 30's, and she is still on birth control, not diabetic, hypertensive or on antidepressants though. If she is depressed, she's not sharing it with me (which I understand is common when you're depressed!), but I did ask. Thanks very much for the ideas. I'll investigate menopause symptoms.

I like the concept of a love tank. It's so much easier to talk about what fills each of us up instead of "Why don't you want me anymore?"

[girl68]

I refer you to the book about "love tanks" brilliant read!

"the five love languages"

-yours is very clearly physical touch
-hers might be acts of service

They don't have to be the same you just have to do hers and she has to do yours in the name of LOVE.

[Only-virgins]

Yes you want advice from the women on this one.

[vashti]

Birth control pills are well-known to mess up a woman's hormones and diminish libido. Ask her to check with her gynecologist.

[sparkle_jello]

Birth control pills are well-known to mess up a woman's hormones and diminish libido. Ask her to check with her gynecologist.

Which is incredibly ironic.

[VincenzoG91]

I refer you to the book about "love tanks" brilliant read!

"the five love languages"

-yours is very clearly physical touch
-hers might be acts of service

They don't have to be the same you just have to do hers and she has to do yours in the name of LOVE.

Why can't "acts of service" sometimes include at least a blowjob?

[IncognitoSir]

Man, I hope you can get back on track with it man, sounds like you've really been putting in the effort.

[girl68]

Why can't "acts of service" sometimes include at least a blowjob?

Because blow jobs is sexual sexual is contact and contact falls under affection which is a different love language.