Is it time to end things?

[Kirkland]

My girlfriend and I have been dating for almost a year, but she refuses to have sex before marriage. I’ve told her this was fine, I’m not about to pressure her into doing something that she doesn’t want to do, but at the same time she makes these sexual advances that are just killing me. When we first started dating she wasn’t really into me at all. She says I’m an extrovert and I would always draw unwanted attention to her, but even while alone in the privacy of her apartment she wouldn’t stand for kissing all. For the first 3 months of our relationship she gave me maybe 3 or 4 kisses, only because I had tried so many times on multiple occasions that I had thought were ideal romantic kiss-worthy moments. I would lean in and go to plant one on this girl of mine, with beautiful eyes and luscious lips, and then she’d turn to where I’d either get her cheek, or worse, just pull away completely leaving me surprised and embarrassed. Later on she flipped 180 degrees and really started participating in the relationship. I was so happy but also so very confused as to what had changed.

We’re both college students, poor college students at that, but I never felt that love had a monetary requirement. Working my day job wasn’t enough for our dates, so secretly I would donate plasma every week just to get enough date money to show her a good time. I couldn’t tell her that her outback steak house dinner she hated or movie ticket were all paid for and sponsored by my body. I’m squeamish as is, so doing that gave me a hard enough time psychologically, not to mention the stress of always worrying that she would find out, wearing a long sleeve shirt on hot days, hoping she wouldn’t find puncture holes in my arms and think I was some sort of weirdo heroin addict. Thanks to the economy I lost my job, so any money I make now goes to bills and school. We don’t go on dates a whole lot these days. I mean, I never expected her to pay for a date, and apparently neither did she.

Let me get back on track though, I’m treating this like a calculus equation, so bear with me. We don’t have sex. We have fooled around before, meaning other things like making out and… as crude as this can sound, hand jobs and I guess the female equivalent. I’ve also gone down on her before, but she didn’t seem to like it much. I’m inexperienced, so whatever. I suppose I’m no good at that yet.

She’s told me that she wants to wait until she’s married to have sex, when she’ll give her virginity to her husband. I’ve told her that’s fine, I’m a virgin too but I’d be giving it up for love not marriage, but I wouldn’t ever pressure her into anything. She’s always teasing me though, and I find it hard to separate myself from that physical aspect. It’s like she wants me to become aroused just to see me squirm, and I hate it. I feel like she’s playing some sick game of strategy to get me to marry her, just for the sexual release. I’ve told her multiple times “hey, it’s cool if you want to wait for marriage to have sex, but I am not getting married just to have sex. That’s a horrible reason to get married.” Now we’re not even doing what we’ve done before, and again she doesn’t like to kiss. I used to have these never ending romantic thoughts of her, an infatuation if you will, she could do no wrong. I could do no wrong. Now she’s always mad at me whenever I come over and complains it’s because she misses me so much when I’m not there, but she doesn’t like to be touched or hugged or anything. So when I’m away from her she needs me, she fantasizes about sex and dirty things, texting me all the time these scenarios that get me thinking bad things, and then when I arrive and I want to embrace her she’s just the opposite. I don’t know what to do. Every time I talk to her about it she just gets upset and even more irritable. Its’ like walking on eggshells whenever I’m around her.

[Spoonandfork]

break up with her

[Boisdevie]

Jeez, what is wrong with having sex, making love to another human being? It is a wonderful thing. You are two young people and you don't want to have sex - are you MAD?

[asdfg789]

Jeez, what is wrong with having sex, making love to another human being? It is a wonderful thing. You are two young people and you don't want to have sex - are you MAD?

that is nothing wrong with it. but there is nothing wrong with not doing it either.
sex is not the ONLY way to enjoy a relationship.
leave people to their choices.

what are you ? a sex starved 16 year old boy ?

To the OP, it does sound like some level of sexual incompatibility here. However, she IS interested as evidenced by her texting etc.
So it may be a matter of patience and getting her comfortable.
If you can't wait, you dont have to. Leave.

[Boisdevie]

that is nothing wrong with it. but there is nothing wrong with not doing it either.
sex is not the ONLY way to enjoy a relationship.
leave people to their choices.

what are you ? a sex starved 16 year old boy .

Not quite - I'm 46 if you really want to know. Imagine this scenario - you wait until you're married and then you find out your wife or husband just doesn't do it for you sexually. Surely best to find out before? Of course sex is not the only way - I quite enjoy holding hands - but sex is essential for a good relationship.

[Agape]

If you want to have sex then work out some open relationship . . . and if you can't do that then, if sex is really that important, then break up with her.

Respect her choice that she doesn't want sex before marriage, either live with this and grow your relationship in other non-sexual ways or just leave the relationship altogether and get someone who you can have a sexual relationship with

[asdfg789]

Not quite - I'm 46 if you really want to know. Imagine this scenario - you wait until you're married and then you find out your wife or husband just doesn't do it for you sexually. Surely best to find out before? Of course sex is not the only way - I quite enjoy holding hands - but sex is essential for a good relationship.

good ! then you are old enough to have kids ?
would you repeat what you said here to your kids : "dont wait, go ahead have sex on your first date ?"
cos that's what you appear to be saying around here ?

[Boisdevie]

good ! then you are old enough to have kids ?
would you repeat what you said here to your kids : "dont wait, go ahead have sex on your first date ?"
cos that's what you appear to be saying around here ?

They are college students so I presume they are at least 18 not children. And I never said have sex on your first date so please don't misrepreset me. My relationship with my two daughters is none of your business.

[ammi00]

Why arguing?
Partners (in a couple) are supposed to be overall, compatible. This involves the sexual side as well. Now, each to their own... some people have a big sexual appetite, others have a moderate one, some other people are asexual & so on. None of them (from my point of view) seems to be the case of your girlfriend.
If she really believes that waiting to have sex until after marriage is a good idea, and she has her own arguments for this, respect her choice. Personally, I don't judge people for choosing this, though I believe it's a bad idea (like Boisdevie said, what do you do if after you get married, you find out that you aren't compatible at all?). Plus that, sex is meant to be enjoyed (as long as both partners want this) and it's really important in a good relationship.
They're not underage, they're young and they've been dating for a year; it's normal for them to have sex (or for Kirkland to want to have sex).
The problem is, I think she's a bit (or more) manipulative. She's not like a complete innocent girl, that has no idea what sex involves. (By the way, I know a girl that wants to wait to have sex until after she's married, but she had no idea what oral sex is, she had no idea that a guy cums or what an erection is & other silly stuff you'd expect a 20 yr old girl to know).
Back to your problem - it's obvious she knows how to turn you on, and then completely abandon you. Maybe she's doing it hoping that she'll get something from you (eventually, that you'll ask her to marry you, or that you'll completely obey to what she says). if she's doing all of these on purpose, she's selfish, mean and manipulative.
I think you should have a serious conversation with her about this problem, tell her what you think and what bothers you, and see what she has to say about it. If you're not satisfied with her explanations, and if you'll see no change in her behavior, probably it'd be a good idea to break up with her.

[asdfg789]

And I never said have sex on your first date so please don't misrepreset me. My relationship with my two daughters is none of your business.

Ok my bad. But you did ask why not on 1st, 2nd, 3rd date ...

[url]http://www.loveforum.net/intimate-forum/46272-why-do-people-take-so-long-before-they-have-sex.html#post633716[/url]

I am just curious if you are aware that your kids may one day stumble upon this web-site and take your advice ?

[Boisdevie]

I wasn't suggesting in the other post that people should have sex on a first, second or third date (or 4th, 5th etc etc). Simply I was surprised that so many people seem to go out for months and not have sex and I thought it was a subject for discussion. Will me kinds stumble across this website - I very much doubt it. And on a personal note my eldest daughter began having sex with her boyfriend when she was 16 and I'm fine with that. Her body, her decision.

[TomBuilder]

My girlfriend and I have been dating for almost a year, but she refuses to have sex before marriage. I’ve told her this was fine, I’m not about to pressure her into doing something that she doesn’t want to do, but at the same time she makes these sexual advances that are just killing me. When we first started dating she wasn’t really into me at all. She says I’m an extrovert and I would always draw unwanted attention to her, but even while alone in the privacy of her apartment she wouldn’t stand for kissing all. For the first 3 months of our relationship she gave me maybe 3 or 4 kisses, only because I had tried so many times on multiple occasions that I had thought were ideal romantic kiss-worthy moments. I would lean in and go to plant one on this girl of mine, with beautiful eyes and luscious lips, and then she’d turn to where I’d either get her cheek, or worse, just pull away completely leaving me surprised and embarrassed. Later on she flipped 180 degrees and really started participating in the relationship. I was so happy but also so very confused as to what had changed.

We’re both college students, poor college students at that, but I never felt that love had a monetary requirement. Working my day job wasn’t enough for our dates, so secretly I would donate plasma every week just to get enough date money to show her a good time. I couldn’t tell her that her outback steak house dinner she hated or movie ticket were all paid for and sponsored by my body. I’m squeamish as is, so doing that gave me a hard enough time psychologically, not to mention the stress of always worrying that she would find out, wearing a long sleeve shirt on hot days, hoping she wouldn’t find puncture holes in my arms and think I was some sort of weirdo heroin addict. Thanks to the economy I lost my job, so any money I make now goes to bills and school. We don’t go on dates a whole lot these days. I mean, I never expected her to pay for a date, and apparently neither did she.

Let me get back on track though, I’m treating this like a calculus equation, so bear with me. We don’t have sex. We have fooled around before, meaning other things like making out and… as crude as this can sound, hand jobs and I guess the female equivalent. I’ve also gone down on her before, but she didn’t seem to like it much. I’m inexperienced, so whatever. I suppose I’m no good at that yet.

She’s told me that she wants to wait until she’s married to have sex, when she’ll give her virginity to her husband. I’ve told her that’s fine, I’m a virgin too but I’d be giving it up for love not marriage, but I wouldn’t ever pressure her into anything. She’s always teasing me though, and I find it hard to separate myself from that physical aspect. It’s like she wants me to become aroused just to see me squirm, and I hate it. I feel like she’s playing some sick game of strategy to get me to marry her, just for the sexual release. I’ve told her multiple times “hey, it’s cool if you want to wait for marriage to have sex, but I am not getting married just to have sex. That’s a horrible reason to get married.” Now we’re not even doing what we’ve done before, and again she doesn’t like to kiss. I used to have these never ending romantic thoughts of her, an infatuation if you will, she could do no wrong. I could do no wrong. Now she’s always mad at me whenever I come over and complains it’s because she misses me so much when I’m not there, but she doesn’t like to be touched or hugged or anything. So when I’m away from her she needs me, she fantasizes about sex and dirty things, texting me all the time these scenarios that get me thinking bad things, and then when I arrive and I want to embrace her she’s just the opposite. I don’t know what to do. Every time I talk to her about it she just gets upset and even more irritable. Its’ like walking on eggshells whenever I’m around her.

dude, would you buy a car that you never driven before?????

[Kirkland]

Right, well I've told her that I'm not about to get married any time soon. Sometimes I feel like she sees marriage as this fantasy vacation away from life. We have talked about what she wants a lot. She has absolutely no interest in working, wants like 5 kids, and a big house she never has to leave. I think its healthy to dream, but shouldn't she be interested in what the relationship is now rather than what she wants it to look like? I mean, she acts like she wants to be around me, and it was kind of like that in the beginning. Then I got her a puppy for her birthday, which was nice, but I noticed that she paid less and less attention to me. I became jealous of a damn dog. Its like that's all she ever needed. I wonder if I gave her a baby the same would happen.

I've been contemplating a break up for a while, I'm just tired of being pushed away. I'm just not happy any more. What's kept be on really was how cool her family members are, and I hate having to kill all contact with them. There would be no friendship if I broke up with her, she deals in absolutes, like a freaking sith. I'll just be another one of her past asshole boyfriends I guess.

[Spoonandfork]

We have talked about what she wants a lot. She has absolutely no interest in working, wants like 5 kids, and a big house she never has to leave

I'm sorry to laugh at your expense but your girlfriend sounds like she's in 4th grade. I can already tell that you two will break up. You can later tell me how much of a psychic I am

[Agape]

She's watched a bit too many Disney movies . . . doesn't sound like you two have a future together, that, or find a way to bring her to reality.