I need to share this, thank you

[Delphyne]

I set you free to discover yourself. You used me and took my soul.

By worshipping you I gave you the power to discover how worthy you were of taking to the skies and sailing the ocean. I gave you the courage to live your dreams. To leave behind the pain you endured all of your life and find your own happiness. I watched you grow to love yourself instead of hate the beast within. I helped you to accept your devil and make peace with it. I enabled you to find your piece of God and to enjoy life when you couldn't find a reason for living.

In return you took my soul. You took my love for myself and my family. You belittled me to the point I could not speak to anyone without doubt of my own words. You silenced my voice so that I thought it was a sour note. You forbade the music I loved to hear so that I forgot the joy it gave me. You neglected my body and ne'er spoke a word of my beauty so I thought I was hideous. You denied your love for me and made me feel not worth being loved. You scorned my love as if I was a chain around your neck. Our plans for the future were just a ruse you pretended to want just to keep me happy. Your promise to love and cherish til death do we part....a lie to trick me.

I will never be the trusting woman I was when I met you. I will never be able to believe a man's words again. My love for you lives on in my sad and broken heart. The love I gave so freely and innocently. Believing that you were unknowing of the harm you caused. Trusting that you were unaware of the hurt you inflicted by your words and deeds. Believing that your absences were caused by a broken heart needing to be alone and at peace to heal. Not to satisfy your disgust at having to endure life with someone as lowly and unworthy of you as you thought I was.

Why do I write this now. It has been exactly 4 months since the last time we spoke. I still cry for your body which lies about your feelings. I still cry for the love you give me whenever you first return. I cry for the dreams I have had for so long. I cry that now I will travel those roads alone and still in love with you. Confused between the reality of your disgust and the dream of your love. I cry for the years I deluded myself into believing that the kindness and love you took from me showed me you truly did love me. How could anyone take everything someone had to give and not feel as strong a love in return? How could anyone? It is a crime to take from someone and not return in kind.

To think that your body gives the love to anyone who would pass your way sickens me. To think I treasure the memories I had with you. To think I valued the love we made. When it is nothing but a physical act you would perform with anyone. To think you would give yourself to anyone after I thought so highly of you. To think you are nothing but a cheap, sick, twisted, sorry, excuse for a life. A life I thought I could save and who would love me until I died.

The loneliness you felt for all of your life was now eased. I was a person worthy of being loved, valued by many and given to only those who deserved to be my mate. I chose you to give my life to. I chose you to spend the rest of my life with. I meant those words I spoke. I treasured the thought that you loved me enough to spend the rest of your life loving me. You begged me to come back. How could you do these things to me when you knew I was trying to get over you. I was your friend! I loved you. Didn't you understand how precious that was? Don't you know you don't lie to your friends just to get what you want? I gave up the respect of my friends and family to take you back. Even your friends and family warned me that you would continue to hurt me. And they were right. You did. The only person who ever really loved you. You burned. You couldn't be an upright man and try to work out our differences. You had to have it your way even though you agreed to do it another way. You couldn't try. You just endured. You never tried.

Now I sit here. Seven years later. Lamenting. Grieving for the time I wasted. Grieving for the pain in my heart to heal. Now I know that the sorry man you were is who you are. Without that sorry existence, you have no identity. You know no other way to manipulate people into doing what is best for you.

Integrity is something you will never know. Standards are for fools you say? Values are something only republicans spew out as political rhetoric. Pride is something you give up when you have no other means of coersion. Love is what you say when you think you will have to do something harder than lying. Leaving is what you do when you are self sufficient. Giving is only done when you get more in return. When someone needs your help is when that person is not worth knowing.

You are scum. You are a liar. You are worthless. You have no value to anyone. You are a pothead and an addict. You have no ethics, no morals, no strength, no character. You have broken someone who has given you everything she had.

But yet, I still love you. I don't know why. I have no reason to. Noone sees what I see. Noone saw the dreams I had. The love I had was for the lies you told me. The promises I held so close. The love we made when I thought you loved me. The fantasies I built up in my head of how life would be as your wife. It was all a lie. A ruse you created to earn a living. I was just a nice woman you thought you could grace with a few years of your worthless lying life in exchange for room and board. As you said so many times, noone else wants you. I never saw what that implicated.

I was wrong, you saw things very clearly. You are not delusional.........I was.

[richardrli]

Wow, that was to the point. A little bit harsh but you needed to be anyway.

[Delphyne]

Thank you. I kept writing things day after day for a couple months and just storing them on my computer. Some are of love, some are hate. You know how you feel when you don't have closure? I am still in that fearful stage. I don't want to see him because of how hurt I will feel. I know if I just look at him I won't be able to speak. I will just cry. I can't send him these letters because it will just make things worse. I have been in such a depression that I lost my job 3 months ago. A friend even took me to Florida for 10 days to help me. I have been very sick for weeks now with a cold. I don't want to go outside because I am afraid I will see him. I have dated but it is too soon and I know he is sleeping with people. He had done this to me before and I know I couldn't take him back if I wanted to. So I am grieving. How I wish I could get the strength to put this behind me. He has no idea I feel like this and I don't want him to. I can't sleep, I have been up all night tonight or is it morning?

[cbee]

Yeouch, I really feel for you. I went through something similar with my ex, although we weren't married and were only together five years.

Just be glad you have finally seen him for the man he is.

Stay strong don't fall for it again.

[RuntimeError]

THESE WORDS ARE AMAZING, soo real and filled with PASSION and truth of what you felt, this is a MASTERPIECE. Thank you very much for shareing Delphyne. I am sure there is nothing I can say that you haven't heard before, but I assure you it will pass. And the fact that he is out screwing other woman, well this is a red light for you tell you to STOP, that that is the wrong direction. I really love these words that you have put together, you could write a song Thank you for shareing. Just remember you were fine before you met him so will be fine after he is gone.

[Delphyne]

Thank you RuntimeError, I just wish I knew what to do to forget. Maybe reading all the posts on here will give me some ideas. I am so used to giving advice I can't even see my way out of this.

[RuntimeError]

Maybe the idea is not to forget, maybe it is just to accept it, let it go and move on. I know when something like this happens we just want to erase that person out of our minds, but that is just not going to happen and maybe it isn't the best thing anyways, I know I wanted to but realized I learned sooo much from that person. So back to the old advice, accept things and let them go. You are a wonderful person and through the words that you shared, I get a sence that you are very passionate and when you love you love with full energy which is the best way to do things I am sure you will find some one that is better for you. I mean if he was meant to be with you and he would be with you, really belive that. We don't choose who we fall in love with and who we don't it just happens. I know it will pass, from a chemical stand point your body will stop needing the chemicals that are released when you saw that person. Ohh screw it maybe that is just a bunch of mumbo jumbo as well, Just know you are a great person and you will find someone wonderful, better then the last and I assure you it will pass, go hang out with friends, go on dates, and jump back in the game. You will make some guy very luck. Take care. From my point of view you are wasteing your energy, no need to worry I wasted a lot of energy, and now understand it just wasn't worth it.

[Delphyne]

Hi everyone,

It has been 3 months since I wrote this. I have since found a fabulous job that pays double what I am used to making. Funny how money seems to heal pain as well. It feels great to have all my bills paid and no debt. It also feels good to tell your ex you are not in love with him anymore. We saw each other again just before Christmas and of course, we slept together. But it wasn't like before. Yes the sex is amazing. But he is still the same man. And I don't really like how I feel when I am with him.

I enjoy being alone now. I love who I am. I have been asked out many times, but so far have only really liked one man who had so many insecurities he couldn't see that. He broke it off before it had a chance to begin. Which was fine for me.

Let me digress. One of the reasons I knew I was still in love with my ex is that every time we broke up, I could not let another man touch me. It literally would send shivers up my arm and spine. I just couldn't. I was so attracted to this new man I had no problem going very far with him very fast. It happens so seldom for me I just go with it. When I felt no guilt and no shame was when I knew I wasn''t in love with my ex. This was New Years Eve. Almost 6 months after we broke up.

My ex and I are friends now and I told him last night that I wasn't in love with him anymore, even though we are sleeping together again. I don't miss him like I used to. It is now sort of a friends with benefits type of relationship. I have crushes on other people (two right now) and I don't feel bad about it. I look forward to the time when I will have to tell him I can't sleep with him anymore because I am interested in pursuing a relationship with someone. Until then, I know I could never let it go any further than this. I still haven't gotten the divorce, but that is only because until now, I have been paying off my bills and I don't see the hurry. Next week I should have the time and the money. We will go to the courthouse together and cut that tie neatly and cleanly.

It feels good for the first time in my life, I am not in love with anyone. Except my new self. And I know I can count on her to stay and take good care of me.
To all those that are as heartbroken as I was. I never thought I could live through it, but I did. The key is to be good to yourself. And get out of the house! Dwelling on it only hurts you more. Eventually you will forget a little at a time. Fill the void with something else. Even a book or ten. Movies, TV, good friends, Karate. It all may seem boring at first, but very soon it becomes much more satisfying to accomplish something than to sit wallowing. Just don't talk about it anymore and find something else to talk about. It creates the same hormones as love does, only you control the dose, not your SO. So if you are feeling withdrawals (from sex or love hormones) go to the gym. It feels just as good to be in love with yourself and to accomplish something as it did to love.

[Cybog]

My ex and I are friends now and I told him last night that I wasn't in love with him anymore, even though we are sleeping together again.

Gee....I wonder where this is going...You really ARE over him aren't you!

Makes a lot of sense to **** someone who is "scum, a liar, worthless, has no value to anyone, a pothead and an addict, has no ethics, no morals, no strength, no character" doesn't it!

[Junket]

Ah, this crazy world we live...and die in.

[Delphyne]

I never said he wasn't good in bed.

[Delphyne]

You are right. I shouldn't be even speaking to him. But, as you can all see from all the other threads in here. The hardest thing to give up is the sex.
What does that say about me if I can have sex with someone I am not in love with? Someone I really don't even like anymore?
Maybe I have become a man. Or at least maybe now I can see why men do it? Maybe I have reconciled myself to a once a week "why not"? I don't chit chat with him during the week. We are not talking about the future in any terms other than friends.
If we both know the terms...someone please tell me the harm?

[Cybog]

You are right. I shouldn't be even speaking to him. But, as you can all see from all the other threads in here. The hardest thing to give up is the sex.

For me that has always been the easiest. It's the emotional and "lovey dovey" shit that has always been hard, same as 99% of everyone who posts here about their breakups and heartaches. You don't see too many "I hate my ex, but love sex!" posts, but more "How do I get over this heartache" junk. Not saying it isn't possible, but generally speaking, there are always 2 sides to that coin.

What does that say about me if I can have sex with someone I am not in love with? Someone I really don't even like anymore? Maybe I have become a man. Or at least maybe now I can see why men do it?

Just because some men do it doesn't mean all men do. Something you have to realize that ****ing for the sake of ****ing is one thing, but ****ing someone who you were in a relationship with, in love with, and had a really bad breakup with is pretty damn hard to swallow as it just being "casual".

One day you will stop and ask yourself "Why am I giving this prick the pleasure of USING me?". You two broke up for a reason. You even went so far as to call yourself delusional at the end of it all. Do you not think that you are pathetically trying to hold on to something that could still be there?

Of course, I don't expect you to answer that question rationally. EVERYONE thinks their situation is "different", and I don't expect you to feed me anything different.

If we both know the terms...someone please tell me the harm?

Because one of you, if not both of you, sees things differently than they present to the other one. Ignore it and deny it all you want, but it is impossible to rationally think otherwise.

[Pondman]

Delphyne

I worry about you. You really should find a couple really good friends and talk to them about this over coffee. Only you can decide whether you want to go with multiple partners, one partners, solo, or become celibate. All of these really are okay in todays world.

What really worries me is that you are willing to screw an A-hole. There are so many sexually active nice people-- why the A-hole. You really need to look at yourself and find out why. If someone doesn't give a shit at all about you and in fact doesn't want the best for you why are you in the some room with the person. Seems to me a modern day toy would be better.

I really think you should find people who you like, sit down have some coffee, and if over time you meet a guy who at least is interested in wanting to do the best by you, then screw around. Its often common that people will become promiscuous after a longterm breakup. But I think you will really get your heart ripped out doing this. Your writing is just too passionate. There is no way you could be a self-indulgent, sociopathic, sex maniac.

Best Regards
Dan

[Cybog]

Yeah! What he said!