Need Advice with LDR please...

[JoeInNM]

This is kind of long, but I need some outside help.

So here's my story. I met this girl in the gym I frequent and would have good conversations with her. After a month or so I got the feeling that she wanting me to ask her out and I did. She was an intern student out here for about 6 months and we connected immediately. We both knew that she had to go back to school to finish her graduate degree and would have to commit to a LDR (she lives in Indiana). We initially made plans to meet about every month. I went out there, we took a vacation together later in the summer and she came out to see me at the end of August. Everything was great, we had great phone conversations. I told her I loved her when she left back to school and we would tell each other that we loved each other at the end of our conversations. We had talked about moving in together when she is done as she has a job offer were I work or one back east in MAryland. My position is temporary, but I could probably get a permanent position here and I've been applying like mad to jobs back east.

She is hoping to finish her graduate degree before Christmas and after her last visit, we didn't make plans for a visit as she is extremely stressed over school. About 3 weeks ago, I told her that I wanted to see her and she said that she didn't want me to waste money on a flight if she couldn't spend time with me when I came (she works till midnight most nights on research and thesis writing). She reiterated that she wanted to see me though. Since that time our conversations have been lacking and there are periods of awkward silence. I know how hard the end of graduate school is and have been there myself.

Last night during one of these periods we opened up to each other about the awkwardness. She said that it is tough talking every night as she almost feels like it is on a checklist of things she has to get done for the day and suggested maybe we not talk every night. This hit me pretty hard and I kind of was not keen on this. I told her that I need to come see her and that I didn't care if she had to work on her thesis while I was there, I just needed to see her. We decided that after she gets back from a conference on Thursday that we will try and find a weekend for me to come. She was still hesitant about this as she has so much work to do. I think it is important at this juncture as she said the relationship had become almost static. I asked her point blank to tell me now if she didn't want me to come and she said that she did, she just wouldn't know how much time we could be together on my visit.

Not sleeping all night with some crying and thinking, I'm starting to think that if I want to salvage this relationship that maybe she needs space and we shouldn't try and talk every night. I'm hoping that I can visit her the first weekend of November and then tell myself that we can make it till christmas. Maybe talking every 2-3 days will eliminate these awkward silences.

Thing is, I always tell her about my day and she used to be a chatter box about her day and just everything in general. Now she just doesn't even want to talk about her day as most of her days are crappy do to trying to finish her thesis and graduate work.

I really feel that when she is done with grad school that things will change. Maybe this is just me in denial as I truly love this woman. We have never really fought and when we are together we have no issues. I'm hoping a visit will help things. A month ago if you asked me, I would have said this is the one.

I'm so torn right now and don't know what to do. I want to make this work, but ultimately I know that she has to feel the same way.

Anyone out there have any advice on what to do here? I don't want to lose her and feel that if I do that it is something that I did or should have done differently. I think not having a date to look forward to meeting since late August has not helped. We haven't discussed which job she is leaning towards as this stresses out our conversations. If I go there in November I need to find out which way she is leaning towards a job and just get a feel for if we can make this work. I just feel at the moment that my heart is just being slowly broken to nothing.

[MerryH]

Cutting down the nightly chats is a done deal. That's what she said she wanted, so you're going to have to respect that and work with it. It's understandable that she needs space and just doesn't have the time to chat every night. Maybe you can send her emails here and there, saying to have a nice day or whatever. Have flowers delivered to her, send her little care packages or something so she knows you're thinking about her and being supportive while not taking up all her spare time. This might also help with her feeling that the relationship has gotten static.

I don't think you should plan a trip out there yet. She pretty much told you not to come, and if you do she might feel like she HAS to spend time with you even though she really can't or shouldn't. You don't want to be a burden and stress her out more than she already is.

[Judie]

I agree with MerryH that sending her flowers and gifts sounds like a great idea! Though I would still plan to fly out to see her on a weekend as I imagine it wouldn't be too much time consuming or expensive for you. I strongly believe that the distance could really be a relationship killer as you don't get to see each other much and the idea about the other person becomes less real. I understand the pressure of graduate school; certain phases in grad school could be quite depressing but it should be more reason for you to be there for her, especially you have been through it, you can relate to her and help her out emotionally. You could even surprise her with a visit. I'm pretty sure that if she also loves you, she wouldn't mind spending time with you. In fact, she would be thrilled to spend time with you. Grad school lasts 5-6 years so taking a day or two off is no big deal. Good luck!

[JoeInNM]

Thanks Judie and Merry for the replies.

After thinking on this all day the next time I talk to her I'm going to suggest that we only talk around twice a week w/ maybe some nightly texting before she goes to bed of just a min or two.

I have sent her care packages in the past and usually get texts like "you're the sweetest man ever" in response, but it seems like this is a short lived pumping up her spirits.

I know how touch grad school is, especially near the end when writing your thesis. Maybe reducing our chats will help her concentrate on just getting done. I feel that when she is done, our relationship will change for the better (I was one bitter person near the end of grad school).

Really mixed feelings on the flight out to see her. I think one thing that kept us going was we prearranged our past meetings and had something to look forward to. Now with no prearranged meeting since late August and xmas the next logical spot - it is just tough. I want to see her so bad, but also don't want to push myself on her if she doesn't have the time to spend with me. Maybe I'll tell her that on second thought she needs to just concentrate on finishing grad school and we should start making arrangements to see each other at xmas.

I've never been so messed up with my emotions as I am now - LDR are tough.

[JoeInNM]

Anyone else want to weigh in? Should I go see her or give her space to finish her thesis?

[Agape]

"This hit me pretty hard and I kind of was not keen on this. I told her that I need to come see her and that I didn't care if she had to work on her thesis while I was there, I just needed to see her."

So you just want to be with her? . . . from reading it, it seems like a lot of work to maintain the relationship - and she just doesn't have the time or the energy . . .not to mention this is long distance.

I'm totally for seeing her during Christmas time, although it's a wait - it might be easier for her?

[abercromqt20]

I HAVE BEEN IN THIS SITUATION!!!!!

I know where she is coming from. I too started a long distance relationship when I was about 23 which ended a couple years ago now when I was 25. He lived in Chicago (where I'm from) for the summer playing minor league baseball. When the season was over he moved back out to Arizona. We were so in love after the 5-6 months we had together in the same city that we too decided to try to make it work. We traveled back and forth for about a year. Probably seeing each other every 2 months. No more than 3 month apart. He would try to convince me all the time to move out west but I was dead set on finishing my Masters first. If I transferred to ASU or another school I would lose too many credits and money invested. I have read up a lot on LDRs and most of what I have read states that these relationships can work but you need a plan to finally be residing in the same city after year one. After that you run the risk of the relationship going stale. That's what happened to me and how I feel that I am similar to your gf.

I ended up getting really annoyed by the conversations my bf and I were having. After being together a year LD and 6 months together in Chicago there wasn't much to talk about on the phone. Most of that initial getting to know someone stuff is out of the way so we were left having the same conversations over and over again. It basically becomes a retelling of what you did that day, work, what you ate. Really mundane. It really takes a toll on you. I started to become kind of spiteful and pulled away a bit. He wasn't as strong as I was so he started to become really clingly and only called more which just fuelled the cycle.

At the end of the day I think we could have made it work if we hadn't spent so much time apart. LDRs can work and if you love someone I say go for it but at the end of the day the telephone can only replace human contact for so long.

[JoeInNM]

Thanks abercromqt20

I have decided to tell her when we next talk to cut back our talks to 2-3 times/week. She needs space and as much as I love her and care for her, I don't want to lose her by being too clingy in a time when she needs her energy and space to get done with her PhD.

Also am going to tell her that as much as I want to see her (and I'm sure that she wants to see me), it is best to wait till christmas as she just needs to concentrate on finishing. Hopefully by Christmas she will have defended and have more time to spend.

I care for her too much and don't want to lose her by pushing too hard to see her and talk to her, when at this moment she needs space.