I love her but she is gone for now.. I need advice

[zion565]

NOTE: Please read 2nd page for update.

HALP!

I recently broke up with my partner of 2.5 years, (2.5 Weeks ago now). And I am struggling with myself. I am 20 years old and she is 25 Years old. We both love each other a lot and have even spoken of marriage and being together forever.

I organised a night with her because it was her birthday and she was going to her familys place up north for her actual bday. So I prepared a nice evening for her. Cooked a nice dinner, had a few cocktails and gave her presents. She looked like she was having the time of her life. When the clock struck 11:00 she asked me if its ok if she goes to town with her friend, I was confused and thought she would want to be with me for the night and foolishly answered yes thats ok. She told me to text her if I wanted to see her later, and she left.

I sat home alone for an hour or so, then started drinking more trying to understand what just happened, I texted her saying I was going to a friends place but I didn't actually go, I just went to town at 12:30am.

I texted her a few times and she didn't reply until 2:00am, she said she was at a certain club so I went there and could not find her.

I texted her again saying I was there and could not see her, she didn't reply so I started club hopping.

At 3:00am I finally found her at a random club, but to my surprise I saw another man behind her dancing, rubbing against her ass and hips, his hands were reaching round her waist and she was smiling and swaying her hips with him. She didn't know I was there at that point.

I noticed she had her handbag on the ground so she wouldn't have gotten my text messages.

I went bezerk at this point, because I was quite intoxicated and angry at this moment. I yelled at her F*** YOU! and pulled the fingers at her and the guy. I then pushed the guy over and tried to pull him off the balcony they were dancing on. She then jumped down and said what are you doing? we were just dancing!? I said to her "What the F*** are you doing? this is ****ed up". I then walked away.

She left up north for a week the next day as planned, during this week I didn't contact her and I put all her belongings that was at my flat into plastic bags and went over to her flat and put them in her room, including photos of us together and a book she made me for my 20th birthday.

I texted her on the 13th of October asking if she wanted to talk about shit, and she replied "Yeah", she asked me when I was free and I said, Wednesday, Thursday or Sunday, and she then said shes busy all 3 of those days (and shes never usually busy). I then said: "Bummer, another time then".

I didn't text her until today (the 19th of October) because there was an Earthquake today and all I said was "Hey u ok?".

I don't know what to do at this point, I know im super over analysing everything but I can't help it. I've kept busy with friends but its just not the same not being with her. I even had $3000 saved up towards an engagement ring and now I feel like she will never speak to me again.

What do I do now? I've tried no contact but I just blew it today because I was worried about the earthquake. I need her back in my life and I'll do anything to have her.

HAAAALP!

[Agape]

"At 3:00am I finally found her at a random club, but to my surprise I saw another man behind her dancing, rubbing against her ass and hips, his hands were reaching round her waist and she was smiling and swaying her hips with him. She didn't know I was there at that point."

That's pretty bad . . and then of course what you did was bad . . .mind you you're 20 and you were wanting to get married, do you think you were young?

How were things before then?

[zion565]

Thanks for the reply, yeah we both agreed that we are young and we wanted to be engaged for a long time then get married in Rarotonga. I am mature for my age, except for when I lose control of my anger like this. Im an IT Professional, I've already completed University at this age and this is one thing she loves about me.

Things were up and down the last month or so, we had a few fights but she planned on moving in with me on the 11th of October, of course this date has come and gone and I haven't heard from her.

I need to know what to do, I'm still in the depressed and grieving process and I don't know if she is even thinking about me or if she has a new man.

What I think I should do is just NC until she is ready to talk to me then go from there, but my fear is that she will never contact me.

[YouAreBeautiful]

I don't know what to say about this...I hope you work it out somehow, but there is a lot of work to be done on both sides and growth needed for this relationship to work.

[zion565]

We have already grown a lot over the last 2.5 years and the relationship was working fine, it was amazing. I know she found it amazing too because she told me every day.
I will give her some space then call her. I'll say I acted childish and didn't want to control her by forbidding her to go to town, and it was wrong of me to go to town with her. Thanks again

[IncognitoSir]

I can totally understand WHY you overreacted to finding her grinding up with another guy in a club after leaving you right before she goes out of town.......that's pretty ****ed up. I mean, you reacted badly, but I feel you man. If she were in your position, she would of reacted the same way. Anyways, I don't know her, so I can't say how she's gonna react to this, but you should be prepared for a permanent departure from here. What she did was pretty heartless if you ask me. Who does that, "Oh I wanna marry you and I love you forever and ever, btw, can I leave you now and go dry hump some guys with my single female friends and get felt up in a club"? At 20 years old, and you're an IT professional, don't let this be a henderance, but a stepping stone to move on to better things. I'm sure more will transpire over the next few weeks but when you can talk to her, make sure you let her know how her actions made you feel. Focus on yourself for now man. Keep busy and try your VERY best not to contact her. Also, don't be surprised if she's a complete bitch from here on out. It tends to happen when you catch your significant other in a sticky situation such as this one.

[zion565]

Thanks IncognitoSir,

Your input is very valid and I couldn't agree with you more. At this point we have already been almost 3 weeks apart and I am starting to see that she may not be the one for me anymore. I am at the letting go stage - FINALLY! it feels good to be moving onto new things. I will still contact her but only if she contacts me first and is willing to sit with me and talk, and yes I will tell her how ****ed up she acted, but I will portray it in a nice non-aggressive way - and just see how it goes from there. Marriage is completely out of my mind at this point, I already spent the $3000 anyway

[Agape]

"I am at the letting go stage - FINALLY! it feels good to be moving onto new things."

that's good, and it's also good that you're keeping communication somewhat open . . . remember, you're only 20 - don't get all bent out of shape.

So did you actually buy the ring? Or just saved up for it? nevermind, I see, you spent the money already. . . yeah, you were getting ahead of yourself there.

[zion565]

To be honest I've already proposed on new years 2008 when I was 18. She said no and said that it was too early but she DOES want to marry me. Then 6-7 Months later she said she wished she said yes on that day because she loves me so much, and ever since then things were great.

I spent the $3000 on drugs, alcohol, a new TV, a BBQ, New chairs and a table for outside, $1000 on concert tickets and a ski trip last weekend with my best friend.

Thanks again for your help, lonely nights are hard, as is getting up in the morning but I can feel it getting easier as time goes on.

[IncognitoSir]

To be honest I've already proposed on new years 2008 when I was 18. She said no and said that it was too early but she DOES want to marry me. Then 6-7 Months later she said she wished she said yes on that day because she loves me so much, and ever since then things were great.

I spent the $3000 on drugs, alcohol, a new TV, a BBQ, New chairs and a table for outside, $1000 on concert tickets and a ski trip last weekend with my best friend.

Thanks again for your help, lonely nights are hard, as is getting up in the morning but I can feel it getting easier as time goes on.

lol, when you say drugs I hope you mean weed....which is not a drug lol. If not, just keep it to yourself man.

[zion565]

ye just weeds

[inconf]

Hey Zion565, I would have done exactly what you did in the same circumstances. Seeing her with another man must have torn your heart out! But you have to ask yourself is she really the one for you. I know that when i'm in a relationship i would never do anything to upset, or make them suspicious of me......she was doing both! Right under your nose! Do you want to be with her forever, or are you just mega upset and wondering what you will ever do without her? Because if you are , trust me you will move on and find someone better for you. If you are certain she is the one, then, give each other some space (real space NO CONTACT), get a new hobby or take up an old one, get out with your buddies and have a laugh, then after a while reconnect with her.....but take it slowly....

Hope that helps
Mark

[66mustanggt]

whats up man i,m 42 years old...look you have to MAN UP....that dinner you cooked for her really did,nt mean that much to her.....you have a girl thats 25 years old....you have to get the respect...i dont mean being mocho..sometimes as men we do to much talking...let you actions speak...let her come back....don,t chase her...listen to me...you chase her she won,t respect you...i,ve been there

[zion565]

Thanks guys, yeah I need to be more of a man i know. I haven't contacted her since the earthquake which is good progress and I'm keeping it up. Yes I'm sure shes the one, I love her too much. And I know for it to work she has to feel the same way so I will give her a lot of space and let her figure it out for herself.

[inconf]

Thats the best thing you can do, in the meantime get out there and enjoy yourself!