No sex, No trust?

[ElectricBlue]

Hello. First post.

Hoping someone can give me a bit of advice on a situation I'm in. I have been dating a girl for just over 4months. We get along well and see each other whenever we can. Usually 3 times a week because of work commitments. We contact each other daily - A few txts here and there and a call once a while (nothing over bearing). All in all, things are seemingly* going well.

Three weeks ago while I was staying at her house, things got a little more heated than usual. The passionate kissing etc ended up with us both in bed. I wouldn't be as bold as to say I was expecting sex, but it was going in that direction and fast. Especially seeing as how this was the first time we'd shared a bed. But, it wasn't to be. She insisted all we did was kiss and cuddle and said "you have to wait for good things".
Now, she had made it clear in the past that she has issues with trust and self esteem, so I thought - Fair enough, I like this girl so i'll wait...

And so I did. Three weeks on we share a bed again, but for three nights this time. The same thing happens again although without being naked. "Youve got to wait". "I need to be able to trust you." We ended up spending an hour writhing around dressed...
Now, I'm a patient person but certain things that have happened to me in the past have resulted in me questioning her intentions toward me.
My ex used to sleep around behind my back. She cut off sex with me because she was getting it else where. I'm not saying she's doing the same, but I can't help but worry.
I'm not 100% comfortable about telling her the details of my past relationship, but I do feel as though something needs to be said about how I feel. The fact is, I care for her and want to get closer. This barrier she keeps throwing up is making things very difficult. Trust always has to work both ways, and for me to trust her I think I need to be 100% certain of the reasons why she is doing this. The only problem is, I don't know how to ask without her thinking I only have one thing on my mind.

Bit of advice would be appreciated.
Matt.

[Boisdevie]

How old are you guys. Because unless you are both 12 years old I can't understand why you can end up sharing a bed and not having sex. Sounds like she has real problems. Perhaps try a bit of no contact because it sounds like she is messing you around

[ElectricBlue]

Both of us are 23. I was considering the no contact thing. Might be the best option.

[YouAreBeautiful]

Females can have different attitudes from males regarding sex. For females sex can be physically uncomfortable, extremely emotional, and a very big step. You sound like you are around college aged? Is that right?. If so, I think this kind of behavior is normal. Females are still adjusting to sex and everything that comes with it. Behavior will usually very from girl to girl. Some girl's will be more willing and adjustable to this, but the early 20s is a very big growth period sexually for a lot of girls.

I would not tel her that you don't trust her without sex therefore she should have sex with you. That could come off sounding like manipulation. Just talk to her about it, tell her it's something you really want and it's driving you crazy.

To the user above, there is nothing wrong with sharing a bed and not having sex. However, it requires maturity.

[girl68]

If you ask "how long until sex?" that sounds like you only out to get in her panties. If on the other hand you approach delicatley: "babe, I really need to talk to you about something that's been on my mind and is concerning to me. Whenever things get steamy I feel like I'm being teased, you keep saying you have to trust me. Well I need to know what exactly trust includes? If you're worried I'm a cheater well then I think we should discuss that, if you think I'm not clean, I'll get tested. If you think I'm in it just for sex, well to be frank- I would have left already. Listen, I really like you, and I'm not pressuring you buthow it is now... is hard. Not to mention that I also feel like I want to be with you emotionally and physically and I've been cheated on too, and it's hard for me to trust as well."

... blah blah blah THAT does not seem like just getting laid is the only thing on your mind. You'll have to get a lot deeper with her. Perhaps what she wants is kind caring words that affirm how much you like her. And perhaps you need to hear it back but both of you up to now have been too shy...

[Spoonandfork]

Refer to rule 403

"if your girlfriend makes you wait longer for sex than other guys she's been with, you are not special contrary to any bullshit she may feed you"

[Spoonandfork]

If a girl told me "you have to wait for good things," I would tell her she's delusional if she thinks sex with her is a priviledge for men

[ElectricBlue]

"If a girl told me "you have to wait for good things," I would tell her she's delusional if she thinks sex with her is a priviledge for men"

That's pretty much exactly what I was going to say to her. In fact if she says it again, I plan to.

[girl68]

If you do that you deserve all the blue balls she's dished to you. ^

[VincenzoG91]

Third date rule.

[Spoonandfork]

If you do that you deserve all the blue balls she's dished to you. ^

not at all. The girl's comment was arrogant. Telling her she's delusional if she thinks that would bring her back to reality

[girl68]

LOL ^ Okay. Goodluck to ya boys.

[Rixy]

Just talk to her... she was honest enough to tell you why she didnt' wanted sex right now. I think you should do the same. And who knows...your honesty might turn her on

[doppelgaenger]

I'm sure if you say the right things to her and push the right buttons, she'll give it up for you. Props to you, though, I would never wait 4 months for sex.

[Boisdevie]

I am seriously disappointed with all these young people - seems like us old farts are faster at getting it on! I cannot imagine being in bed with a nice attractive woman and not giving her one.